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Interview Jokes

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting
AI Image Generator

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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A man is sitting for a job interview when the question is asked by the interviewer,

“What is your biggest weakness?”


The job candidate thinks for a moment and answers “honesty. Honesty is my biggest weakeness.”


The potential employer replies “I don’t think honesty is a weakness!”


The man replies “I really don’t give a fuck what you think!”

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.

"I didn't" said the doctor.

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not" the doctor said.

"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you h...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday.

He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse, and I said no but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

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An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

Job interview at NASA, in 2123.

Interviewer : Can you explain this ten year gap in your resume?

Applicant : Oh, that was when we went to Proxima Centauri, with my previous job.

Interviewer : Impressive! But why didn't you write it in?

Applicant : Oh you know, it was just a two-days trip...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"

"What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

"I contradict myself."

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'

Starbucks job interview

"What's your name?".

"Alyssa".

"Could you spell that please?".

"L A R I S S A".

"When can you start?".

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Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

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A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village

"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"

"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village fucked Mary Jon...

A man walks into a job interview...

He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.

"So son, where did you receive your education?"

The man replied "Yale".

The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"

The...

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?

Applicant: It's completely full.

Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

The interviewer asked me what I’d been doing for the last 3 years

“Yale” I replied

He thought this was wonderful and he offered me the position

I replied “That’s fantastic. I really need this yob”.

A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman

"What's the secret to your longevity?", he asked.

"Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone."

The reporter laughed. "That's ridiculous. That can't be the real reason."

The old lady smiled a...

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and ...

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”

The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”

Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”

The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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A job interview

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word. Applicant: Hired. Interviewer’s assistant: Fuck, can he do that?

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

A man is running late to an interview and is waiting for a taxi outside of his apartment complex.

If he nails the interview it can land him a very high paying job that can change his life.With no taxi in sight the man starts to get desperate. He looks up and says "God please please help me get a taxi. I know I haven't been an exemplary human but please I need this break at this point in my life....

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An old pirate was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter

"I note that you have had a lot of injuries... I see you have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. What caused those?"

The old pirate nodded. "Piratin' is a rough life indeed. I was a mere deckhand on me first ship, and we met up with an British dreadnaught. Twas a fierce battl...

The interviewer said

"Your resume says you take things too literally."

I said, "When the hell did my resume learn to talk?"

A Swedish man shows up to a job interview

The interviewer says, "Mr. Gustafson, could you explain the 4 year gap in your resume?"

"I went to Yale", he replied.

"Outstanding! What did you go to Yale for?"

"Yacking off in the library"

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A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

A policeman was interviewing 3 guys who want to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh....

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A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now...

A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder

They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been bo...

Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow

"Hey dad, I've a job interview tomorrow. Can you call me an Uber tomorrow at 8am?"

"Sure thing, that sounds strange, but I can do it for you my son, love you, good night."

At 8am the next day.

"Uber, wake up now, aren't you going to an interview?!"

Went to a job interview today and the lady interviewing me told me she has 3 openings

Apparently “how many did you get filled over the weekend?” was the wrong question

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I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

It was the 117th birthday of the oldest man in the country, so a reporter went to interview him.

The old man looked really young, like a 60 year old. The reporter, surprised, asked him:
- Whoah, what's your secret to live so long and look so young?
- It's really easy sir, I never argue with idiots.
- Haha! That can't be the reason.
- Alright, alright, that's not the reason.

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Interview with a cow

Some guy just came along and pulled on my tits!

How dairy!

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

So I had an interview last year

The interviewer: You answers should be quick
Me: Ok
Interviewer: what is 1490/52?
Me:quick

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Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for interview.There he was asked...

Q 1. When did your country got Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1928.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence?

Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If...

I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying, "Come in, make a seat."

At a job interview

The interviewer routinely asks “what do you see as your greatest strength?”

“I easily find the best in people to the point that at times i fall in love with them because of it”

“That’s interesting. How about your greatest weakness?”

“Those beautiful blue eyes of yours”

Why did Dracula always fail job interviews?

He could never answer, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Interviewer: can I get your references?

Me: probably not. nobody else does

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

A man with a speech impediment sits down for a job interview

"Before we begin," says the man, "I think you should know I have a rare speech impediment."

"Shouldn't be a problem," says the interviewer. "Let's talk about your experience."

"I went to Yale," says the man.

"Amazing!" says the interviewer. "What did you go for?"

The man ...

Why did Leonardo DiCaprio stop doing interviews for the movie Titanic?

Because it turned 25 last year.

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The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."

The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"

"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

Man goes to a job interview.

Interviewer: see you have a recent employment gap of 5 years, what have you done in that time?
Man: I spent the first 4 years in Yale.
Interviewer: that's impressive, what have you done in the last year?
Man: I've veen looking for a Yob.

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What's something you can say during sex and at a job interview?

Is there enough wiggle room between positions?

Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

Newlywed Woman In Her 90s Is Interviewed

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than...

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

The college soccer team wants to interview me because I say I once ran two soccer teams on my resume

Yes I used to own a foosball table, I’m their best choice.

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A very old man is being interviewed live.

Interviewer : Sir, you lived all your life in a very remote village. We are eager to know what life was like in a place like this. Can you tell us about a day you remember particularly ? What was the best day of your life ?

Old Man : Well I remember one day we lost the most beautiful goat we...

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the...

I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

I said, "Sorry I'm late."

They said, "You're hired"

I had a job interview today.

They asked how well I performed under pressure.

"Not bad", I told them, "but I'm much better at 'We Will Rock You'!"

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How to nail a job interview

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drunk tried i...

I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.

Turns out they were a full grown adult!

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

A journalist was tasked to interview the best costume maker in the world...

So the journalist asked for an appointment with the costume maker, and luckily, he accepted.

Now this costume maker might be famous, but no one but himself and a few people know his real name. His identity was shrouded in mystery. The name he goes by is Mr. D.D., which are his initials. The j...

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

So a vampire goes to a job interview

And the interviewer asks him where he sees himself in 5 years.

The vampire pauses and thinks before saying,

"You tell me. I haven't seen myself in a mirror in over 500 years."

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What did Richard Spencer say when he got punched during an interview?

I did nazi that coming!

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

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Job Interview

I went in for an interview and was asked "Do you have any special skills?"

I said "I perform under pressure well"

He replied "Can you give me an example?"

I started "Mm ba ba de, Um bum ba de, Um bu bu bum da de."

The job interview

A young man went to his first interview. While sitting in the waiting room, he overheard a pair of men talking to each other at the receptionist desk.

"Man, I feel great today. Woke up at the crack of dawn again!"

"Oh yeah, I woke up at the crack of Dawn last week."

The secret...

3 people are interviewing for a job at the CIA

All 3 have interviewed and performed extremely well and it's time for their final test. They arrive and see a door leading into a sound proof room.

"Enter the room, read the note card, and carry out your orders" the interviewing agent says.

The first applicant enters the room, closes t...

I was in a job interview.

"Can you give me a time where you've wrongly taken the initiative?"

"Hey, I'm the one that asks the questions here," came the reply.

I got a job at Chipotle by telling this joke during my interview.

What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza with?

Little Ceasars.

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