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Newspaper Jokes

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

Due to rising costs, I stopped using toilet paper. Instead, I'm using newspaper now

Man, The Times are rough.

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

The Dating Ad

A woman places an ad in the newspaper. "Woman searches love: Must be respectful and never abuse me. Must be not run to the pub and return late drunk. Must be a great lover."

Sometime later that week the doorbell rings and she opens the door surprised to see a quadriplegic in a wheelchai...

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub

The Scotsman yells out "Drinks for the House, On Me!"

The newspaper next morning reads 'Irish Ventriloquist Found beaten to Death behind Pub'

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red ...

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at it and throws it in the bin. And so for a whole week. The seller couldn't stand it and finally asked:

\- Why are you doing this?

\- I'm looking for an obituary.

\- But the obituaries are on the last pages...

\- The one I'm looking for will be on the first one.

A land owner has caught a trespasser on his land.

"Didn't you see my sign that said, Private. Trespassers will be prosecuted?"

"Well, it's like this. I saw the sign, but when I read 'Private', I didn't read any further 'cause I thought it wasn't any of my business."



\-- Modern adaptation of a joke from a 1913 newspaper.

Who's black and white and red all over?

A victim of an industrial accident at a newspaper printing plant.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

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The Gorillator

So a guy wakes up one weekend morning, brew himself a coffee and goes outside to grab his newspaper. Only problem, there is a gorilla chilling in his front yard tree...

The man, troubled, tries to call the animal control agents but they just tell him they cannot do anything about the gorilla ...

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The g...

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TIL that Charles Dickens first published A Tale of Two Cities in two English local newspapers:

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It was the Bicester Times. It was the Worcester Times.

There was a concert in Joe's farm

The horse, the cat and the dog were really impressed by their performance.

The next day, the horse asks the cat and the dog if they would like to create their own band and go to Europe to perform live.
"Are you stupid, we are animals" said the dog.
"Don't worry, I saw an announcement...

what happens when the newspaper editor meets the cannibal chief?

He becomes editor-in-chief.

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

Obit

This printed in a Texas newspaper :

The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106.

On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 childr...

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

The newspaper had a story of two raisins that each cheated on their partners together.

I thought that was odd, but then I realised I was reading about Currant Affairs

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Owing to fog a steamer stopped at the mouth of a river.

An old lady inquired of the captain the cause of the delay.

"Can't see up the river," replied the officer.

"But, captain, I can see the stars overhead," she argued.

"Yes," said the captain gruffly, "but until the boiler busts we ain't a-goin' that way."



Source: 19...

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… I rang the door bell, didn’t I?

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that
read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICA...

A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Sa...

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The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.

And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.

I went to the shop today and picked up a loaf of bread, a pint of milk and a newspaper, I went to pay and said “I’m sorry but I only have a £50 note”.

She said “ok well you’ll have to just put one of them back then”.

Moscow newspapers

In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. So it goes day in and day out, one morning...

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left nipple"

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit suicide, shoots he...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

Honeymoon

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the can...

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the newspaper.

So I entered my sister.

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author's Club, said:

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Why don't you marry her?

She has a slight impediment in her speech.

What is it?

She can't say "Yes".



Source: 1913 Newspaper

AN old man asks to borrow his son's newspaper

The son points out that this is the 21st century, and nobody wastes money on newspapers anymore. He lends his dad his iPad instead.

That spider never knew what hit him.

Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…

STOLLEN STOLEN!!

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

A man was relaxing, reading his Sunday newspaper...

There was a knock on the door, he begrudgingly got up to answer. There was no one there. He looked around, and just as he was about to go back in, a voice said "hi, how are you doing today?"
He angrily stared down at a Snail, who was smiling up at him. He picked up the Snail and gave it a hefty ...

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So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.

Well?

He has no life-insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother.



Source: 1913 Newspaper

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

Good for ...

"Now, Tommy," said Mrs. Bull, "I want you to be good while I am out."

"I will be good for a nickel," replied Tommy.

"Tommy," she said, "I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine, unless you are good for nothing."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

What is your age, madam?

Asked the Enumerator, taking details for the census.

Lady - "Thirty, sir."

Enumerator - "If I don't mistake, you were thirty at the last census, ten years ago."

Lady - "Well, my man, I'm not the person who says one thing today and another tomorrow."



Source: 1913 n...

Young man, we need brains in our business

"I know you do. That is why I'm looking for a job here."



Source: 1913 newspaper

A young lawyer who recently hung out his shingle, was retained by a criminal with $5 and a very poor defense

"Well, you got a case, son," said his proud father.

"Yes, dad."

"And what advice did you give your client?"

"After listening to his story I collected what money he had and advised him to retain a more experienced lawyer."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."

Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Two lawyers before an American judge recently got into a wrangle

At last one of the disputants, losing control over his emotions, exclaimed to his opponent, "Sir, you are, I think the biggest fool that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon."

"Order! Order!" said the judge gravely. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."



Source: 19...

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"

The man strips naked and runs into the cave.

"What was all that about?" The redneck asks...

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

In Self Defense

Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"

Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"

Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. ...

1913 Driving Joke

A salesman of ironware, well known in the downtown district, bought a new automobile several weeks ago. He got one of the newest models, and on the first decent day we had he invited a small party of friends to take a spin through the country roads with him. He wanted to show off.

Well, he ...

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

Don't get lost in the mountains

Disclaimer: I know this is a childish joke, but I like it and when you tell this one at a party with drunken people, you can almost guarantee a laugh from everyone.

A journalist went to a village in a mountain range to learn about their traditions. He walks up to the village elder and asks: "...

Seriously

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips, and even that I take with a pinch of salt

Is he cheap?

He'd marry a thin girl because she could wear a smaller sized engagement ring.



Source: 1913 newspaper

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Canoeing

Bob: You get a great deal of amusement out of your new canoe, I suppose?
Joe: Well, my wife does.
Bob: But she never rides in it!
Joe: No. She says it's safer and funnier to watch me from the shore.

Source: 1913 Newspaper

A teacher to her students,

"Lets talk about associate, or association. It means things that go together. You can associate plants with soil, and birds with trees. Now, can anyone tell me what we can associate with fish? Yes, Tommy?"

Tommy: "Chips!"



Source: Adapated from a joke in a 1913 newspaper

Son, why don't you play circus?

"It is great fun. First you make a sawdust ring."

"Where'll I get the sawdust, Dad?"

"Here's the saw. Just saw some of that cordwood into stove lengths. You can have all the sawdust you make."



Source: 1913 newspaper

A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.

He says, “well, good thing it wasn’t a $2 store”

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

What profession?

The father of a bright young son went to a wise friend for advice as to what profession the youth should be fitted for. The sage was brusque.

"Let the boy choose for himself," he said.

"But," protested the father, "he's too young."

"Well," responded the wise man, "put him in a ...

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A national newspaper recently participated in a contest to discover the funniest pun

The paper collected ten different submissions from their staff and submitted all to the contest certain at least a single entry might be good enough to win.



Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Have you lived here all your life?

asked a salesman of a lean, lantern-jawed Tennessee mountaineer who stood idly leaning against a rail fence.

The mountaineer shifted his weight from one foot to the other and replied, "Not yit."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Some homeless man got overly angry with me when i said i have never heard of the newspaper he was selling

I don’t know what the big issue was

So poor old Jobson has failed. Too bad! He promised me something yesterday ...

... but now in his trouble I won't hold him to it."

"That's very generous of you. What was it?"

"His daughter's hand in marriage."



Source: 1913 newspaper

two clean Irish jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper. "Newspapers are old" she said, and gave him the ipad instead.
The fly did not stand a chance

Carrying a saw

He had stolen a saw, and on his trial he told the judge that he only took it for a joke.

"How far did you carry it?" inquired the Judge.

"Two miles", answered the prisoner.

"Ah! That is carrying a joke too far", said the judge, and the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three m...

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

Research

Guy in a bar reading the newspaper: “Wow. Listen to this! A ‘highly regarded research laboratory’ was just found to be using lawyers instead of rats.”

Barman: “Why would they do that? Aren’t lawyers a lot more expensive?”

Guy: “Sure, but there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...

Make your own breakfast

Two youthful artists having a studio in Philadelphia, wherein they not only work but lodge as well, were obliged to make shift, not long ago, during a period of financial stress, with such meals as they could themselves prepare in the studio.

One morning, as the younger of the two was 'sketch...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

A rubber company recently built it's 200,000,000 tire

Of course, the directors celebrated the occasion with a blowout.



Source: 1933 Newspaper

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

A young man was sitting outside a pub...

....having a drink and generally feeling good about life when out of absolutely nowhere he was struck across the face by a newspaper wielded by a furious nun. She began sounding off to him about the evils of drink.

"How dare you, you scoundrel! Have you no shame?! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol i...

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

A boy selling newspapers on the street

Keeps walking around the streets with newspapers while waving one around and shouting: Mass fraud! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled! Mass fraud! One hundred people have been fooled!

One guy quickly runs to the boy and buys a newspaper. as soon as he has it in his hand he starts...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

Okay; this is one I concocted myself:

''Talking about lamas...did you know lamas have their own newspaper? It's called the Daily Lama.''

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Three devout Italian nuns passed away…

Alt the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia...

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

An old man in stalinist russia gets newspapers every day from the stand like clockwork.

He always turns straight to one page, and thereafter throws the paper in the bin.

Curious, the vendor one day asks him, "what are you looking at in those papers every day huh?"

The man replies, "the obituaries."

The vendor asks, "so how come you only ever look at one page of th...

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

fish and chips jokes

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

-----------

Did you hear about the fight outside the local fish and chips shop?

The fish got battered.

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

I was visiting my boyfriend the other night when I asked him if I could have a newspaper.

“I don’t waste my money on newspapers. Just use my MacBook Pro."

I can tell you this: That roach never knew what hit him.

A man decided to enter a local newspaper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that one would win.

Unfortunately no pun in ten did…

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not look...

A newspaper kiosk in Russia

Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.

This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"

"An obituary"

"But they are way back in the newspaper...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

A newspaper recently hired a new Italian capital correspondent

They were the Times' new Roman.

Three nuns died in a fiery bus crash....

St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them to heaven. "Welcome, my dear sisters. We are glad to have you here, but unfortunately, we are having some issues with restructuring at the moment, so all souls that come here for the next week will be allowed to live a week in the life of a pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting with his friend reading the newspaper.

He reads an article that the sex offender living in their city died in his bathtub. He reads this article out loud to his friend. Then he asks "I wonder what his last words were?"

His friend says "Hey, put down that toaster."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind loca...

Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?

It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"

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