Good news! I am about to publish a Reddit Jokes Book with all the different jokes ever posted on this page!

I'm just waiting for the first publisher to agree on publishing a book with only 4 pages.

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

Why didn’t the Soviet Union publish any Where’s Waldo books?

It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was asked to publish a book

"I'll write, I'll write, I'll write..."

Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

I heard Xi Jingping is going to publish his own little red book of quotes like Mao....

It's going to be called "That's what Xi Said".

What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "What are you celebrating?" the bartender asks. "I just got my first novel published," the guy announces. "It's a thriller about a flock of 2,000 mockingbirds." "What's it called?" "2 kilomockingbirds," the guy replies.

If you ever publish a book, make sure it's a hard cover.

Otherwise, it will be tearable.

World Health Organisation just publish some information

-Who?

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

Albert Einstein once published a paper about why he married his second wife.

I call it: The Theory of Relativity.

A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife

Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.

Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?

Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.

Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.

Shlomo: Hmm ok...

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who publishes his findings?

Articles

My publisher didn’t like my Erotica...

He said the plot was full of gaping holes

Apparently it is impossible to find out the true number of Americans hospitalized due to hippo attacks...

Publishing that information would be a HIPPO violation.

[Cite: heavily inspired by a recent XKCD comic].

Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?

It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter

I've published a book on propaganda.

You won't find a better one for the price.

Chinese doctors published their findings on the corona outbreak...

It’s gone viral

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

My friend just finished writing a book called “how to make money.” But he needs money to publish it.

I told him to read the book.

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

Einstein: Dad, my paper on the Theory of Relativity finally got published!!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

What does a polar bear need to go through to publish a book ?

The seal of approbation.

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

Penguin books seem to only publish extremist literature...

For them, everything is just black and white.

What do you call an Islamist who publishes propaganda about Sunnis?

A Shiite poster.

Did you hear Bill Cosby’s publishing a memoir?

It’s titled “the Coma Sutra.”

After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

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I Have Decided To Publish My Sex Journal

in two volumes.

Volume A: Thinking About It

Volume B: Talking About It

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a New York publishing house last Thursday.

According to the Associated Press,
witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, 
overwhelme...

I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs

It's a step-by-step guide

I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher.

She brags at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walks up, confronts her by the bar, plots down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffs the bill in her pocket and says “thanks” and walks away.

A disabled bald eagle gets canceled

I recently signed a publishing deal on my inspirational children’s book about Ebert the one winging eagle who overcomes his disability and learns to fly. It is quite the heartwarming tale but I had to call it off due to all the backlash. People were outraged that he was literally a right wing extrem...

I just published my first book about poltergeists...

...and the store told me they're flying off the shelves.

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

New York City just published its annual index of the death rates caused by plunging from balconies

Sadly, they're still falling

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

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A man's wife falls suddenly into a coma and is unresponsive

She is rushed to the hospital where she lies unresponsive for over five days. Her husband, red-eyed and distraught, refuses to sleep or leave her side. He reads to her, talks to her, entreats her, all to no avail.

Finally, in the middle of the sixth night, he reaches out in desperation and g...

The New York Times recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....


NAME - Greg Bulmash


DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be a...

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Charles Dickens was at his publisher's office.

CD: "I'm going to be honest with you, Howard. It's almost complete and I have most of the elements of the story figured out. Great characters, a terrific setting, some good conflict and a theme. But something's missing, and I can't figure out what it is"

Howard: "The plot, Dickens?"

David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words...

it was published posthumeously.

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

Dickens: I wrote a book about ghosts

**Publisher:** we need a christmas book

**Dickens:** *[adding, like, 4 words]* I wrote a book about christmas ghosts

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An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

Heir of a world famous laundering business in the 19th century...

took control of his fathers business after the father's passing. Mr. Bartholomew Nutts was not like his father. He used to flirt with all the young ladies who used to wash all the dirty clothes. After a little while things escalated, and it appeared that more than a few of the workers were in child'...

A Native American just published a novel

Critics consider it a Seminole work.

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

I'm all ready to blow the lid on nepotism in today's society!

Had some trouble interesting a publisher, but my uncle reckons he can have a word in the right ears.

(EDIT: This was the third time I tried this. The first two got auto-modded, possibly for "self-promotion")

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Have you read the book Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by...

Willie Makit,published by Betty Don't,and illustrated by Doris Lock?

An inspector visits a school in England one day....

One day, an inspector visited a school and asked the teachers how things were going.

He entered a class where an English lesson was in session.

"Very well, looks good", the inspector said. "Teaching's of a high standard, classroom looks good, things seem to be going well."

He th...

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

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TMZ has reported that they have explicit pictures of Donald Trump.

They plan to publish the pictures online starting tomorrow.

When ask for comment the President just said, “Fake nudes”.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

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I'm writing a book on the history of tampons,

My publisher wants technical writing but I'm thinking of doing a period piece.

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

A man writes an OP-ED for his local newspaper.

He goes into great detail explaining why everyone in his town is an idiot and they are ugly too.

Unsurprisingly, it gets a VERY strong reaction. People hate him!

So the next week he calls up his local paper and asks them to publish his OP-ED again in the next week's paper.

th...

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

Niche joke for us academics...

The Devil was wandering through the Physics building late one night when he happened upon the lab of a hard-working assistant professor.

“Could I interest you in a deal?” the devil asked. “Suppose I fix things so that for the next ten years you publish every piece of research you do, ground-b...

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

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