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last week, i saw the obituary of a dairy farmer.

he's in a butter place now.

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

Moscow newspapers

In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. So it goes day in and day out, one morning...

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

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mort dies suddenly is his sleep.

Mort died suddenly in his sleep.
Beryl, his wife of 55 years phones the local paper to put her loving husbands passing in the obituary.

"Ok my love," says the guy from the paper, "it's a pound a word. What do you want it to say?"

There's a silence for a moment before beryl says, ...

A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.

The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"

Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.

The recently widowed OAP thinks for a seco...

A man in Moscow goes up to a newsstand and buys a newspaper…

He then glances at the front page, then turns aside and tosses the whole newspaper straight into the trash.

Next day, he turns up, and does the same thing. Buys it, glances at the front page, throws it in the trash.

Next day, same thing. The newsstand worker is increasingly puzzled, bu...

Obit

Woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read...

two clean Irish jokes

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper
and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
...

My 89yr old grandma told me an old cold war joke

A Muscovite goes to a newsstand every day and buys a paper. He reads the front page, and then throws it away in the nearest bin, day after day.

The guy running the newsstand notices this, and curiosity finally compels him to ask, "Why do you buy a paper each day when you never even open it a...

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i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary.

she went out with a wimple and not a bang.

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

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Bigfoot’s Wife called me to write his obituary

I said “more like ‘Oh bitch you hairy!’”



Needless to say I was uninvited to the funeral

A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife

Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.

Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?

Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.

Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.

Shlomo: Hmm ok...

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Obituary...

...of a Premature Ejaculator:

"He left as fast as he came."

A newspaper kiosk in Russia

Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.

This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"

"An obituary"

"But they are way back in the newspaper...

I saw an obituary for the owner of the world's biggest stone quarry...

"He left a deep hole."

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

Obituary

Schwartz dies and his widow calls the New York Times and asks the price of an obituary. She is told it’s $10 per word. Okay, she said, have it read, “Schwartz dead” The clerk then tells her there is a $50 minimum, for which you get 5 words. Okay, she said, have it say, “Schwartz dead, Cadillac for ...

Did you see the obituary for the guy who killed himself?

His name was Patrick Kilpatrick

Ever wonder why they don't include the cause of death in an obituary?

It's because they want you to show up and ask how they died in person. Why do you think they include the service times?

*This is a joke. Please do not disturb a family who had a loved one pass away.*

I just delivered an obituary for a woman and her kids told me she would have loved it

It's a shame; she only missed it by 2 days.

A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper...

... He rings them up, asks how much it costs.
"One dollar per word", says the clerk.
"Ok, here's the message: "Martha dead"
The clerk pauses and replies:
"You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."
"...

An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "...

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RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great

From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student revue in 1955.

>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at ...

Moishe Cohen and his wife Sarah were married for 50 years. Then one day, sadly, Sarah passes away of natural causes...

Moishe wants to put an obituary in the newspaper and calls up the office.
“Yes, I’d like it to say just that: SARAH DIED. I thought people should know.”

The person on the phone, his heart breaks. The poor man’s wife of 50 years!...
“Mr. Cohen, I’m so, so sorry. Are you *sure* that’s al...

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

What do you say to a dead woman with gas

Obituary

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A Jewish man's wife dies.

He purchases a single line of space from a local newspaper to post an obituary for his wife.

The editor asks him about what to write and the man replies: "Susan Goldberg died. R.I.P."

After typing the words, the editor says: "Hey, we can fit a few more words into this line."

T...

Man found dead in family home...

...having killed his wife and three children before taking his own life.

His obituary reads: "always put others before himself".

Jamie the Jewish man died

His wife Ida rang the newspaper to put in his obituary

‘It’s $10 per word’ said the man at the newspaper

‘In that case please put “Jamie died”’ she said

He said ‘unfortunately it’s a minimum of 5 words’

‘Please put “Jamie died. Volvo for sale”’

An Old Scottish Couple

Once there was a couple in the far north of Scotland named Angus and Edith. They were married for nearly sixty years until Angus fell ill. Knowing he was not long for this world, Angus told his wife "Edith, when I die, I want nothing special. Just a funeral as simple as can be without any big thing ...

A jewish man's wife dies

So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.

"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."

"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"

"Oh. Let me think about that.."

He phones back a few minutes later and says...

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