A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

A woman's husband dies and she wants to submit an obituary....

.... to the local newspaper (yes, she's old school). She calls the newspaper and asks what it would cost. The ad editor informs her, "we can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100". She says, "eh, I didn't love him that much, what else ya got?" The editor says "Ok, well we can do 3 lines...

A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.

The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"

Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.

The recently widowed OAP thinks for a seco...

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day.

Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DE...

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Obituary...

...of a Premature Ejaculator:

"He left as fast as he came."

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

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Bigfoot’s Wife called me to write his obituary

I said “more like ‘Oh bitch you hairy!’”



Needless to say I was uninvited to the funeral

I saw an obituary for the owner of the world's biggest stone quarry...

"He left a deep hole."

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife

Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.

Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?

Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.

Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.

Shlomo: Hmm ok...

Obituary

Schwartz dies and his widow calls the New York Times and asks the price of an obituary. She is told it’s $10 per word. Okay, she said, have it read, “Schwartz dead” The clerk then tells her there is a $50 minimum, for which you get 5 words. Okay, she said, have it say, “Schwartz dead, Cadillac for ...

Did you see the obituary for the guy who killed himself?

His name was Patrick Kilpatrick

Scottish Obituary

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The Editor informs her that there is a charge of one dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.' "
Amused at the Woma...

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

Ever wonder why they don't include the cause of death in an obituary?

It's because they want you to show up and ask how they died in person. Why do you think they include the service times?

*This is a joke. Please do not disturb a family who had a loved one pass away.*

I just delivered an obituary for a woman and her kids told me she would have loved it

It's a shame; she only missed it by 2 days.

A guy unfortunately becomes a widower, wants to put an obituary in the local paper...

... He rings them up, asks how much it costs.
"One dollar per word", says the clerk.
"Ok, here's the message: "Martha dead"
The clerk pauses and replies:
"You know, people normally say a bit more. If it's the price, yaknow, we have a special on now, pay for 3, get 3 free."
"...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

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A Jewish man's wife dies.

He purchases a single line of space from a local newspaper to post an obituary for his wife.

The editor asks him about what to write and the man replies: "Susan Goldberg died. R.I.P."

After typing the words, the editor says: "Hey, we can fit a few more words into this line."

T...

What do you say to a dead woman with gas

Obituary

An old Jewish man dies.

His last wish to his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.

He says then print "Solomon dead". The newspaper tell him they require minimum 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it "...

Jamie the Jewish man died

His wife Ida rang the newspaper to put in his obituary

‘It’s $10 per word’ said the man at the newspaper

‘In that case please put “Jamie died”’ she said

He said ‘unfortunately it’s a minimum of 5 words’

‘Please put “Jamie died. Volvo for sale”’

Man found dead in family home...

...having killed his wife and three children before taking his own life.

His obituary reads: "always put others before himself".

An Old Scottish Couple

Once there was a couple in the far north of Scotland named Angus and Edith. They were married for nearly sixty years until Angus fell ill. Knowing he was not long for this world, Angus told his wife "Edith, when I die, I want nothing special. Just a funeral as simple as can be without any big thing ...

A jewish man's wife dies

So he decides to place an obituary in the newspaper, and phones their agent.

"Just put 'Sarah died' in the paper."

"But Sir, for the same money of only one line, you can add another four words!"

"Oh. Let me think about that.."

He phones back a few minutes later and says...

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