Read this on an anniversary special edition of Reader's Digest

Julius Caesar was coming out of a fast food restaurant when Brutus bumped into him and asked,"How are the burgers, Julius?

Julius replied, "Ate two, Brute!"

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

Who are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims, they went through more than 50 stories in less than 10 seconds!

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

What do you call a blind gynecologist?

A lip reader

What do you call a bad mind reader?

Telepathetic

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

A women is out golfing (the magic frog)

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but...

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

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The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

How do you know if you’re smarter than a Buzzfeed reader?

Click here to find out!

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

Why do cannibals hang out in libraries?

Because Readers Digest

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

Reader : Is there a book on " How to Commit Suicide"

Librarian : Who will return the book ?

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

My wife and I's love life got a whole lot more interesting ever since we got an e-reader.

You might say we've rekindled the fire.



(Just thought of it, probably terrible, and probably something someone's already thought of, but hey-ho.)

Who is the best reader in the word?

Our Grorious Reader!

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader

What are your thoughts?

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I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely"

I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand"

Guy asks a Tarot Card Reader, "How's Business?"

"Unpredictable", she replied.

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Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

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Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

Why did the psychic cross the road?

How the hell should I know.? What am I, some kind of mind reader. Go ask him yourself.

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A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

What state has the fastest readers?

New York, they set the world record for fast reading in 2001 for going through 110 stories in about 10 seconds.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

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I went to see a palm reader.

"Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently."

"Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."

How to keep a reader in suspense?

[removed]

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

A mind reader walks into a bar.

"Just a shot of tequila for me." The mind reader says.

"Hi, what would you like today?" The bartender says.

(This was redone because of a wrong title)

Russian literature is built on suffering.

Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece.

After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.

He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what it feels like."

Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

Who were the fastest readers in history?

The survivors of 9/11 who cleared 84 stories in under 2 minutes.

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

A husband returns and tells his wife he spent her money at the strip club

The wife is angry and asks? "You went to the strip club and spent my money? I told your to spend my money on some fruit from the grocery store!"

And the husband sighs and says, "No, you told me to spend it on a pair of melons. Do I look like a mind reader to you?"

Petition to change "readers" to "Jokesters"

Readers just isn't appropriate for this sub-reddit, c'mon guys.
For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you can change this: http://i.imgur.com/uoRoH.jpg

Who are some of the best readers in the world?

World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!

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How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

How does a one liner hurt its readers?

With its punchline

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

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Who was appointed as a proof reader of Hitler's speeches?

A Grammar Nazi

I don't know why everyone's complaining about chip card readers.

I have bad credit.

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

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