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Reader Jokes

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

Since we’re doing Readers Digest…

This is a true story, and one that my dad submitted and had published in RD back in the early 80s. It takes place in the early 60s. I’m typing it here from memory.

“My friend and I were driving between 2 rural Indiana towns during a winter blizzard when we ran out of gas. With only $5 to our ...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

My Adobe Reader is hanging continuously

I guess it's cause it is an Acrobat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a palm reader today

He said "looking at your palms i can see you masturbate frequently".

"Sorry" i said "i probably should have wiped that off first ".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

What do a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book reader and someome good at pleasing women have in common?

They are both willing to keep as many fingers inside until they get to a good ending.

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

How do you know if you’re smarter than a Buzzfeed reader?

Click here to find out!

The number of readers this book hit hard wasn’t surprising…

That’s just what happens when you toss out free braille.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader..

What are your thoughts?

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

What do you call a bad mind reader?

Telepathetic

What do readers of Steven King and Russia have in common?

They have both learned to be afraid of Clowns.

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

Who is the best reader in the word?

Our Grorious Reader!

How to keep a reader in suspense?

[removed]

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

Guy asks a Tarot Card Reader, "How's Business?"

"Unpredictable", she replied.

Reader : Is there a book on " How to Commit Suicide"

Librarian : Who will return the book ?

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

What state has the fastest readers?

New York, they set the world record for fast reading in 2001 for going through 110 stories in about 10 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely"

I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand"

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

Who were the fastest readers in history?

The survivors of 9/11 who cleared 84 stories in under 2 minutes.

What is a readers favorite fetish?

_Book_kake

Petition to change "readers" to "Jokesters"

Readers just isn't appropriate for this sub-reddit, c'mon guys.
For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you can change this: http://i.imgur.com/uoRoH.jpg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who was appointed as a proof reader of Hitler's speeches?

A Grammar Nazi

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

Who are some of the best readers in the world?

World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!

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