UPJOKE
readingsubscriberreviewerwritingtextviewerlistenereditoraudiencebooklecturerlectorbookwormscannerprinter

Who are the fastest readers in the world?!

9/11 victims. They went through 60 stories in 4 seconds.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

What do readers of Steven King and Russia have in common?

They have both learned to be afraid of Clowns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

I'm considering becoming a mind reader..

What are your thoughts?

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

How do you know if you’re smarter than a Buzzfeed reader?

Click here to find out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

Did you hear about the poker player that frustrated the palm reader?

He refused to show his hand.

What do you call a bad mind reader?

Telepathetic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

Two nuns and a dog!

Two nuns walk into a diner to try hotdogs for the first time ever. The first nun opens up her bread, see what’s inside and throws the meat away! She looks at the second nun and asks ‘What part of the dog did you get?’


*Im sure this is an old Readers Digest joke

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

Reader : Is there a book on " How to Commit Suicide"

Librarian : Who will return the book ?

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

Who is the best reader in the word?

Our Grorious Reader!

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

My wife and I's love life got a whole lot more interesting ever since we got an e-reader.

You might say we've rekindled the fire.



(Just thought of it, probably terrible, and probably something someone's already thought of, but hey-ho.)

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely"

I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand"

How to keep a reader in suspense?

[removed]

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

Guy asks a Tarot Card Reader, "How's Business?"

"Unpredictable", she replied.

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a palm reader.

"Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently."

"Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.

He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what it feels like."

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

What state has the fastest readers?

New York, they set the world record for fast reading in 2001 for going through 110 stories in about 10 seconds.

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

What do you call a blind gynecologist?

A lip reader

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

Petition to change "readers" to "Jokesters"

Readers just isn't appropriate for this sub-reddit, c'mon guys.
For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you can change this: http://i.imgur.com/uoRoH.jpg

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

Who were the fastest readers in history?

The survivors of 9/11 who cleared 84 stories in under 2 minutes.

Who are some of the best readers in the world?

World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

What is a readers favorite fetish?

_Book_kake

Why do cannibals hang out in libraries?

Because Readers Digest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who was appointed as a proof reader of Hitler's speeches?

A Grammar Nazi

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.