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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

What do you call a bad mind reader?

Telepathetic

Who are the fastest readers in the world

9/11 victims went through 80 stories in 10 seconds

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Not a very good mind-reader

Not a very good mind reader



I was at crappy work related function when the act - a kind of magician/mind-reader - asked me the old "think of a card, any card" routine, and that he would be able to read my mind and name the card.

Him: Do you have the card in your mind?

M...

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The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

How do you know if you’re smarter than a Buzzfeed reader?

Click here to find out!

What type of mixed drink is great for alcoholic readers?

Tequila Mockingbird

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

Reader : Is there a book on " How to Commit Suicide"

Librarian : Who will return the book ?

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A story is told of a Londoner, a Jewish man who was riding on the London Underground reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same underground car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moishe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moishe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what di...

My wife and I's love life got a whole lot more interesting ever since we got an e-reader.

You might say we've rekindled the fire.



(Just thought of it, probably terrible, and probably something someone's already thought of, but hey-ho.)

Who are the worlds fastest readers

The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

Who is the best reader in the word?

Our Grorious Reader!

A husband returns and tells his wife he spent her money at the strip club

The wife is angry and asks? "You went to the strip club and spent my money? I told your to spend my money on some fruit from the grocery store!"

And the husband sighs and says, "No, you told me to spend it on a pair of melons. Do I look like a mind reader to you?"

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I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely"

I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand"

I'm considering becoming a mind reader

What are your thoughts?

Guy asks a Tarot Card Reader, "How's Business?"

"Unpredictable", she replied.

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

What do you call a deaf gynaecologist?

a lip reader!

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Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

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A Heartwarming Christmas Story in Limerick Form

Santa's reindeer were all in a rut
and desperate to just bust a nut
So horny ol' Blitzen,
he jumped atop Vixen
And once mounted, went straight up the butt

But it turns out that Vixen's a guy
So fast and so strong and so spry
He's a sexy young buck
who...

Mind readers in Harry Potter

If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?

I'm a bit of an amateur mind-reader

I know what you're thinking...

"Fifty Shades of Grey" gives its readers unrealistic expectations.

It makes them think that Vintage Books will publish anything that gets sent to them.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish...

What state has the fastest readers?

New York, they set the world record for fast reading in 2001 for going through 110 stories in about 10 seconds.

A mind reader walks into a bar.

"Just a shot of tequila for me." The mind reader says.

"Hi, what would you like today?" The bartender says.

(This was redone because of a wrong title)

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I went to see a palm reader.

"Judging by your palms," he said, "I can tell that you masturbate frequently."

"Sorry," I apologised, "I should probably wipe that off."

How to keep a reader in suspense?

[removed]

After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money.

He held the note up to the light and frowned. "This is fake," he said.

I said, "Now you know what it feels like."

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

Who were the fastest readers in history?

The survivors of 9/11 who cleared 84 stories in under 2 minutes.

My wife wanted to visit a jubilant psychic, and I wanted to see a jovial palm reader.

Thankfully, we managed to find a happy medium.

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

Mod Announcement: Due to complaints from our fair-haired readers, blonde jokes are no longer allowed...

...because they couldn't read them.

How did the deaf gynecologist make it to the top of his profession?

He's a great lip reader.

I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business

The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."

Guys, I don’t know about this novel coronavirus.......

I was never much of a reader, I think i’ll wait for the movie.

I used to think I was a fast reader

And I was quite proud of it until I heard about these so called "9- 11 Jumpers" who went through over 100 stories in 10 seconds


...Incoming repost comments

Petition to change "readers" to "Jokesters"

Readers just isn't appropriate for this sub-reddit, c'mon guys.
For those who have no idea what I am talking about, you can change this: http://i.imgur.com/uoRoH.jpg

I want to write a memoir about how my medication makes me thirsty all the time. Thinking about calling it “My Life as a Desiccant”.

Don’t think I will, though; I’m worried that readers might think it’s too dry.

Who are some of the best readers in the world?

World Trade Center workers, some of them can read 50 stories in just 8 seconds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think a girl just said she got a word tattooed on her pussy

But I'm no lip reader

What do you call the outcome of someone reading a book on the toilet?

Reader's Digest.

I recently saw a psychic, a mystic, a palm reader, and a fortune teller all laughing together at something I couldn't understand.

Must have been an insight joke...

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A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horney.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he ...

I don't know why everyone's complaining about chip card readers.

I have bad credit.

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Who was appointed as a proof reader of Hitler's speeches?

A Grammar Nazi

Password Savvy

Scene: A bar.

**Me:** What's the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first.

**Me:** OK, I'll have a Coke.

**Bartender:** Three Dollars.

**Me:** There you go. So what's the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** "You need to buy a drink first." No sp...

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