Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

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A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.

Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

A man walks into a bar with a gun..

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”


A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...

My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

What do reddit and Playboy magazine have in common?

No one actually reads the articles.

A guy is buying some game DVDs, some magazines and a six pack.

Cashier : "You must be single."

Guy: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

I posed naked for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes?

Ten issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is sitting in bed, reading a magazine while her husband walks in drunk with a sheep under his arm....

... he says: look darling.. this is the PIG I fuck when you don't feel like having sex!
Wife: B.. but honey.. that's a sheep!
Husband: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

Mom Cleaning Son's Room and Finds a BDSM Magazine...

This mad her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.

He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'

Dad paused and said, 'Well I don't think you should spank him.'

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

The reason men aren't allowed to run advice in "Love Columns" in magazines and newspapers..

Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about two miles from home and my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another ca...

I subscribed to a great new magazine the other day.

There's just one issue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly widows were on a walk. Ethel said, "Well, Mabel, I've been reading these Cosmopolitan magazines at the doctor's office. But all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!

-Emo Philips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you playboy magazine?

Cause holy fuck you have a pile of issues

A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.

Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"

Dad replies, "Well we can't spank him!"

Why do pirates love Playboy Magazine?

You'd think it's for the booty, but they really read it for the arrrticles.

I feel sorry for people who sell magazines.

Seems like they got a lot of issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.

What can I say, I have issues.

A magazine asked three people who work for celebrities where all their talent comes from

The celebrity trainer responded, "Years and years of hard work!"

The celebrity chef responded, "What he said! Also, experience and education!"

The celebrity psychic responded, "What they said! Also, Google and Wikipedia."

I went through three magazines on a train yesterday.

I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.

When I was a kid, you could go into a corner shop with $1 and come out with 2 cokes, 3 Freedos and a magazine.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a Cosmo magazine that said "Best Sex Ever!"

All I got was a bunch of papercuts.

I just got subscription to a Magazine About lettuce...

...I mean, It's fun to leaf through, and full of crisp facts -*And that's just issue 1!* The publishers assure me that it's only the tip of the iceberg! Gee, I can't wait for issue 2 to see what facts romaine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery is interviewed by GQ Magazine...

and the reporter breathlessly asks his idol, "Mr. Connery your fans have three questions for you, do you drink martinis shaken or stirred?" In a deep Scottish brogue Sean Connery replies, "Shaken."
"And which do you prefer, Octopussy or Pussy Galore?" to which Sean Connery barely lets him finish...

What do you call a cow that starts it's own nudie magazine?

Hugh Heifer

50% of a woman's magazine is telling you to accept yourself - you're beautiful just the way you are!

The other 50% is telling you how to lose 5 lbs in a week.

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Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover?

Because sex cells.

I read this joke in a 1974 Playboy magazine today.

An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed St...

I once dated a girl that collected magazines.

We had to break up because she had too many issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet

Uranus...

What would the Pilsbury Doughboy be if photos of him were constantly being put on magazine covers?

A roll model.

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A Wall Street playboy has seen it all

Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”.

Why not, he thinks to himself before...

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband the...

Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. L...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 virgin daughters

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a ...

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid shows up to class with $2,467...

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Suzie led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the...

A man was bragging about how good he was

He said that he was the time magazine's person of the year in 2006.

Old but gold!

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he  wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. 

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

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St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, what is the difference?

An eleven year old boy comes home from school and tells his Dad, "Dad, I keep hearing the boys at school use the bad words Pussy and Cunt but I don't know what the difference is."
Dad: "Go get that Penthouse magazine in my nightstand and I'll show you."
The boy runs off to get the magazine...

An old couple won the lottery...

An old man and his wife; simple, salt of the earth folk, who never lived beyond their means, won the lottery.

Not wanting to lose their way with this sudden windfall, they decided to keep humble.

But as time went on, the husband wanted to treat his wife to expensive things - the thin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter, a foodie and a commando are captured by terrorists

The terrorist leader tells them that they each get one request.

The reporter says "Well I have been a proud reporter all my life. I would like to make a video and report the situation one last time before I die"

Terrorist says "OK" and allows him to make the report.

Then he asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is at school

and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and
their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.

"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "So...

The Reporter in the Appalachian Mountains

Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals. On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.

"Good morning, sir. I'm a reporte...

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at h...

A blonde is taking a trip by airplane.

Over the speaker the captain addresses the passengers saying, "Folks, it seems one of our four engines is having difficulties. We are going to have to shut it down. There is nothing to worry about, this will just add an hour to our flight. Thank you for your patience."

The blonde looks out th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My older brother always went out of his way to protect me when I was a child…

So much so, that he used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on his way into the pub when a nun steps in front of him...

...and says, "Stop! For the sake of your soul, I implore you!"

The man takes a step back and says, "Can I help you with something, sister? I was just on my way in for a pint."

"A pint?" she asks, "Twenty pints is more like it! You were going in there to get drunk, and drunkenness is a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'll take the red one."

A woman enters an adult toy store. She wanders around a bit, looking at lingerie and videos and magazines. She spends a long time at the section selling dildos, carefully examining packages and peering into display cases.

Finally, she approaches the sales counter. The clerk asks her, "Have yo...

Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.


I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory.

What did Zelda tell Link when he couldn't unlock the door?

Triforce.

*Not my joke, discovered it in my old 90's Nintendo Power magazine*

*EDIT* just realized someone found the same gems that i did

https://www.reddit.com/r/zelda/comments/3t1qt4/some_classic_zelda_jokes_from_an_old_issue_of/

What's a Trump supporter's favorite reading material?

MAGAzines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy was always a big fan of tractors

He absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control tractors and even tractor board games. All he ever wanted to do was one day own his own tractor. When Jimmy was 15 he even managed to find himself some tractor porn, which was not easy to come by. One day whilst Jimmy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An assassin had seen some porn where a guy fires his gun in the air when he ejaculates.

'I'll give that a go' he thought

He tried it the next day with his girlfriend but his gun jammed.

'Damn it' he said 'I've got to stop using those dirty magazines'

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

Between me and you, we need a haircut.

(I got this from some UK magazine years ago)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is cleaning her 12-year old son's room...

...when she finds several BDSM porn magazines stashed under his bed. Concerned, she takes her find to her husband and asks "What do we do about this?"

"Well," says the dad "We obviously can't spank him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blind pilots

Can't remember where I heard this - it was ages ago and it changes every time I say it...

Two blind pilots were greeting passengers at the door with their guide dogs. The passengers where quite worried about blind pilots flying a plane and were staring down the aisle as they settled in their ...

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up ...

A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom

A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of bondage gears and fetish magazines.

She asks her husband, "What do I do?"

He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't spank him!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

military jokes

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping ...

3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

Each of them can only speak 1 sentence of English. The eldest can only say "Maybe, maybe not."

The second can say only "One dollar-fifty."

The youngest, "If you don't, somebody else will!"


A customer walks into the store, and takes a magazine from the display rack to the c...

Trump calls Comey "a crazy, nut job"

Reports Pot-Kettle magazine

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