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Watson Jokes

Holmes and Watson are out camping in the woods one night

As they're looking up at the night sky, Holmes asks, "Doctor, what do you think when you look at the night sky?"

Watson replied, "Well, sir, I first imagine all the stars I can see, and all the emptiness between them. It really brings home our insignificance in the grand scheme of the univer...

What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite type of rock?

Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

What does Emma Watson put on her sandwiches?

Her mionnnaise

I'll see myself out!

Sherlock Holmes returned to 221B Baker Street

He was carrying a box of lemons in his arms.

When Doctor Watson saw the box, he asked "Well where did those come from?"


And Holmes answered "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."

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What did Watson say to Sherlock Holmes when they found an empty diaper at the crime scene?

No shit Sherlock

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"
...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping.

As they lay down in their sleeping bags, Sherlock calls out to Watson and says 'The stars are quite visible this evening. What do you think that means?'

Watson replies, 'Well, I think it means that there's a whole universe out there that remains unexplored and filled with mysteries and world...

A mosquito was flying around an Oscars party.



First it bothered Emma Watson, then it landed on Natalie Portman. It then flew over to pester Jessica Alba and finally Gal Gadot before it was caught by security. During its interrogation, it confessed "I can't help it. I'm a sucker for a pretty face."

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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

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Dear Mr. Watson, please inform any potential customers I can't see them now due to a severe Constipation

"No shit, Sherlock?"

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Dr. Watson approached the infamous detective and informed him about his uncomfortable state of prolonged constipation.

"No shit, Sherlock.'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

Watson: Which tree do we get lemons from?

Sherlock: Elementary, my dear Watson

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

Sherlock Holmes constructs an entire door out of lemons

Watson approaches him and asks why he did that

Sherlock replied “ Lemon entry dear Watson”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

Who's there?

What was said on the first telephone call?

"Mr. Watson--come here--I want to see you."

What was said on the second telephone call?

" Hi, this is Nicole from Dealer Services..."

Did you hear what Emma Watson's new pronouns are?

(Her, My & He)

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

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Dr.Watson has constipation

*watson returns home after a visit to th doctor*


Sherlock: " So was I right about your stomach issues."


Watson: " Yeah no shit Sherlock!"

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...

...Then Who is.

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Sherlock & Watson

Sherlock and Watson are walking through the park one fine day when they spot 3 women sitting on a bench eating bananas.

Watson says "Sherlock look, there are 3 women over on that bench eating bananas". Sherlock responds "Oh, the Nun, prostitute and the newlywed"? Watson is amazed with his st...

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

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“I’m constipated, Mr. Holmes.”

“So then you haven’t been able to move your bowels, Dr. Watson?”

“Yes, no shit Sherlock.”

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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Two Americans named George and Ted were vacationing in London one day. While Ted was using the bathroom at a restaurant, George saw two familiar-looking men enter the restaurant.

"Where have I seen you before?" asked George.

"You may have read our stories," replied one of the two men. "I'm Dr. John Watson, and this is my roommate, Sherlock Holmes, who is absolutely perfect at logic."

"Logic?" asked George. "What's that?"

"Tell me something about yourself...

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What did Dr. Watson name the product he invented to successfully cure his partner’s chronic diarrhea?

No shit Sherlock

What did Sherlock Holmes say to his sidekick once they had found the stolen Sandstone statue?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson!

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson

On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"






Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping.

They pack their camping gear into the car and drive into the countryside. After a long drive and a light dinner they pitch their tent, climb inside, and are soon fast asleep in their sleeping bags.

In the middle of the night Sherlock shakes Watson awake. He points to the full moon and says, "...

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

What did Sherlock Holmes say when Dr. Watson asked him what grade an eight year-old was in?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around?

Holmeless

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

Sherlock and Watson were investigating a home robbery.

They were going around the house looking for any clues or fingerprints. They were also going off tips from people who witnessed the crime. "One of the people said the guy was in here for a good fifteen or so minutes" said Watson.

"Fifteen minutes? What was he doing here for that long?" Sherlo...

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Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

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Sherlock and Watson go camping

They set up their tent and crawl inside. At about 3:00 in the morning Sherlock woke Watson up.

Sherlock: Watson look up. What do you see

Watson: Stars

Sherlock: And what do you think that means?

Watson: Well it makes me think that maybe...just maybe... with a universe tha...

Sherlock's son tugs at his robe, screaming: "Daaad, dad!"

Sherlock looks at him and says: "Watson?"

Son: Dad, that’s Emma Watson

Dad: Emma, what son
Son: yeah, that’s what I said

Sherlock and Watson are browsing the market, when they come across a stall selling lemons.

"I wonder," says Watson, picking up a lemon and examining it closely. "Exactly where do these fruits come from?"

"Well," says Sherlock, plucking the lemon out of Watson's hands. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Just wanted to share an old joke I read a long time back.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson once go camping. In the middle of the night, Watson is woken up violently by Sherlock. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." "The stars are shining so beautifully tonight." To which Sherlock replies,"No, you idiot! Our tent's been stolen."

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what would you call it when holmes and watson have sex?

they would be in a holmosexual relationship

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking home one night

when Sherlock Homes suddenly stopped.

"Dear God. I just stepped on something brown and icky. Tell me Watson, was it mud?"

Watson looked back at what Holmes stepped on and said "No. Shit Sherlock".

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Sherlock is waiting for Watson to come out of the bathroom.

Trying to pass the time, he decides to work out what is taking Watson so long. He makes a list of all the variables, and calculates the probability of each one. Finally, he comes to a conclusion.

"Are you constipated, Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock!"

Just wrote this

How does Sherlock Holmes find out what TV shows are on?

He just asks Watson.

(Works better out loud)

Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching.

Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!"

This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.

Sherlock Holmes and his partner are walking in the woods...

...they happen upon a tree bearing yellow fruit. Watson asks, "What the hell is that?", Sherlock responds, "A lemon tree my dear Watson."

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go Camping

They spend the day tracking small animals, fishing, and having a grand time by the shores of a remote lake, before cooking up their dinner and settling into their beds and drifting off to sleep.

Sometime after midnight, Holmes wakes up feeling insightful.
He wakes Watson up.

"Watson...

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Holmes and Watson

... are each having a piss behind the corner.

"Holmes, why is my pee so loud and yours so silent?"

"My good doctor, that is easy. Because you are pissing on my shoes but I am pissing in your pocket".

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were investigating a case.

Suddenly Dr. Watson started having constipation and he retired to the nearest lavatory.

After some time passed, Holmes went to check up on Watson.

"You all right in there, Watson?"

"Yes, Holmes."

"Still having bouts of constipation, don't you?"

"Yeah, no shit, Sher...

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Dr. Watson is performing an autopsy. Holmes ask if he’s found the cause of death.

Watson: It would appear the decedent had a bowel obstruction. It caused a rupture in the intestinal wall, creating a septic condition and ultimately, death.

Holmes: Wait, John, are you saying he died of...

Watson: No Shit, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night...

Sherlock Holmes was at home one night, when he gets a call to investigate a crime. So he rings Watson, and asks him to meet him at the scene. Sherlock arrives, and finds the body of a woman dead in the middle of the kitchen floor. He also quickly notices a giant lemon next to the woman, and a hol...

Watson: what is another name for the digestive tract?

Holmes: Alimentary, my dear Watson.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were going camping.

They set up their tent, started a campfire, and laid down their sleeping bags inside of the tent. After a few hours of playing cards and joking by the fire, they extinguished the fire and went to sleep. Holmes awoke Watson in the middle of the night and they looked up at the starry night sky.
...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are watching an orchestra

All of a sudden, a high- pitched trumpet was heard. The auditorium went silent. Holmes whispered to Watson,"who do you think played the wrong note?"


"I think it was the tuba player", Watson replied.


"How do you figure that?", asked Holmes, confused.


"Why, the man fa...

Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh.

Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?

Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.



P.S. My dad told me this today.

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