UPJOKE
nebraskaminnesotamissouriillinoiswisconsinlouisianasouth dakotaohioindianakentuckypennsylvaniaarkansasmichigansiouxhawkeye state

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

What does Iowa corn and Iowa football have in common?

They're both better that what Nebraska has to offer.

Iowa

I was going to tell you a joke about Iowa but I thought it would be too corny;

Plus I doubt you’d *EAR* me anyway.





Q:Wanna know why most creeps live in Iowa?

A: Because they’re always stalking around


(These are all original jokes)

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. ...

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had giv...

Do you guys wanna hear a joke about Iowa?

Nevermind, it’s probably too corny.

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus ...

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

A farmer in rural Iowa knocks on his neighbor's door....

A boy of about 9 answered the door, and the farmer asked, "Are your parents home?"

"No," said the young man, "Mom and Dad went to town."

"Well, what about your brother Billy? Is he home?"

"No, Billy went with Mom and Dad into town."

The farmer scowled and said, "I need t...

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?

Prom

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

Fact: Xi Jinping once slept in a house in Iowa

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
...

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A blonde was driving her car down an Iowa highway in August

As she drove down the road, she had her radio tuned to an all talk channel. The dj on the radio was telling blonde joke after blonde joke non stop, and finally the blonde woman got angry. She turned the radio off and tore the knob off the radio and threw it out the window. A few miles later she came...

Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation

Anna Cornacoba

Iowa, the only state where you can...

watch your dog run away for 3 days.

Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team?

Because then Minnesota would want one.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Iowa. Iowa who?

Iowalotta money to the IRS.

I was going to tell you a joke about Iowa

But I thought it would be too corny

An old Minnesota farmer found out the Minnesota and Iowa state border had been surveyed incorrectly.

When they told him his house was actually in Iowa by 10 feet He said, "Thank god. No more Minnesota Winters!"

What do you call a cube-crafting game that takes place in Iowa?

Des Moinescraft.

A wind generator in Iowa says asks the wind generator next to him "What is you favorite music?"

The wind generator responds: "Well, I'm a Heavy Metal Fan"

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

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A YOUNG SALEMAN'S FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Iowa ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid...

A few of my friends took a road trip from Iowa to California

Things were great as they drove through Nebraska. But driving through Wyoming was a disaster! First, one of them got sick and they had to pull over. Then they got to the Great Continental Divide and it was all downhill from there.

I've got a joke about Iowa.

But it might be too corny for y'all.

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

This week a John Edwards of Des Moines Iowa passed away at the age of 102.

Mr. Edwards was recently asked in an interview what he attributed to his long life and he replied:

"Well every morning I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and before I eat it I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it. I believe the gunpowder keeps me young and vibrant."

Edwards leaves b...

If pirates from the Pacific North West say "Shiver me timbers!", what do pirates from Iowa say?

"Shiver me kernels!"

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3 men enter a public restroom

All three stand at the urinals, doing their business.

The first shakes his final dribbles and zips up, then heads to the sink, where he proceeds to wash his hands thoroughly with soap and water - twice. As he is scrubbing away, he explains - "I'm from Wisconsin, and we have been taught to be ...

Whats the best place to drive to in Iowa?

The Middle. That way, you're always driving out of Iowa.

During the protests outside the White House, part of the new fence gets torn down.

Being as the repair is a government job, the secret service is tasked with getting three bids.

They post the job, and receive three responses. One is from a contractor in Kentucky. The second is from Texas, and the third is from Iowa .

The three contractors meet with the secret service...

Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...

...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.

Bananas ...

George, a farmer out of Iowa, decides to visit the Big Apple.

Taken in by all the wonders of a big city, in his wandering comes across a dude holding bananas to his ears.

He stops him and ask: "Sir, why are you holding bananas to your ears?"

The dude replies: "To keep the allig...

The Out of Towner

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bar...

I met an exotic dancer the other night...

Pretty cool, I've never known anyone from Iowa before.

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A young priest is hearing confession one Saturday

And in walks a man who sits down across the screen, saying “father forgive me for i have sinned. I’ve been making illegal whiskey.” The priest, being new to the profession and the parish, thinks for a minute before saying “I’ll have to speak to the Monsignor for your penance.” The priest goes to his...

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Elderly couple is driving down the road and get pulled over.

The officer says "sir. You were doing 65 in a 45".
Old lady in the passenger seat says "What did he say?"
Man says "he said I was speeding"
Officer says "I'm gonna have to issue you a citation."
Old lady, "what did he say?"
Man "he's giving me a ticket"
As the officer is filling ...

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit ...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

You know why corn leans to the east in illinois?

Because indiana sucks and iowa blows

My Brother has 2 tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl -- HELP!

My brother has 2 tickets to the upcoming Super Bowl! He was so excited and paid the $3,500 for each ticket as soon as they went on sale. However, he didn't realize that the game would land on the day of his wedding..

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.. It will...

Three giants are boasting...

...about who had the tallest father.

The first giant says: "My father was so tall, he was, when he took a step, his left foot was in Ohio and the right one was in Iowa."

The second giant says: "That ain't nothing. When my old man got up in the morning and had a good stretch, he'd hav...

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Topical Jokes for April

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)

4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.

Billionaire Richa...

A man counterfeits $18 bills...

...and needs to get rid of them, so he takes a trip through rural Iowa. Coming to a small general store at a remote crossroads, he goes in and asks the old man behind the counter if he would please break his bill. The old man replies, "Sure, would you like 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

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