UPJOKE
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Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

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An Alabama girl sees her mother showering

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?"

The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"

Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's tha...

Say what you want about Alabama...

They know how to put the “kin” in “kinky”

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What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

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A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

What is an Alabama family's favorite game?

Spin the bottle!

How People In Alabama Pray

"In God We Trust In Family We Thrust"
-Sweet Home Alabama
"Amen"

What do they call an extra-large bottle of lube in Alabama?

Family size

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

What pickup line do guys use to get girls in Alabama?

You’re like a sister to me.

What is the most confusing day in Alabama?

Fathers Day.

How did the Alabama redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive

A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...

It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams.

How do you bang a nun in Alabama?

Tell her you're God, which makes you her Father, then it's business as usual.

How do you circumcise a guy from Alabama?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

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Why are people from Alabama such generous lovers?

Because family always cums first

Why is “reverse cowgirl” illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

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What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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Alabama vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doc...

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

My wife won a beauty pageant in Alabama last night.

I was so proud. She and I also won the loveliest father and daughter of the evening too.

Alabama is a really progressive state...

Because when a woman gets married in Alabama she doesn't have to change her name!

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.

What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?

It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.

Somewhere in Alabama:

\*siblings fighting\*

Brother: "OH YEAH, WELL I WANT A DIVORCE!"

What do Olive Garden and brothels in Alabama have in common?

They both use the slogan “When you’re here, you’re family”

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What do you call a priest in Alabama?

Holy Motherfucker

Why cant people from alabama have any viable offspring?

They're all relatively screwed.

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama

One Mississippi

Why are sandwiches so popular in Alabama?

They're inbread

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

There were these two guys from Alabama ...

Who loved to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada and they took off for up there.

The lakes were frozen nicely! So they stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop to get all their tackle. Bob looked at Ed and said, "We're going t...

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

why is Alabama the sandwich capital of the world?

Because everything is inbread

Why shouldn’t you steal from a family in Alabama?

Because their kids might have eyes in the back of their heads

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Why wasn`t Jesus born in Alabama?

They couldn\`t come up with three wise men and a virgin.

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

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Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

Why are Alabama weddings so small?

They've only gotta invite one family

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A couple from Alabama got engaged

The wife was still friends with a lot of her exes, but her fiancé didn’t mind. He just didn’t want them at the wedding.

The wife agreed it would be awkward, saying that it would be weird if she invited someone she’s slept with. Her exes were a little upset about not being able to go to her w...

What's a seven-course meal in Alabama?

A possum and a six-pack.

How does a baker in Alabama describe his occupation?

“I’m in bread.”

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

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What’s the most popular proverb in Alabama?

Cum is thicker than blood

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Alabama is the stupidest country in the world.

what did Einstein say when he attended the Alabama orgie?

"It's all relatives"

Alabama.

Where Ancestry and eHarmony are the same website.

I'm drunk and I might've made up a joke?

What do people in Alabama do on Halloween?




Pumpkin.

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

What do they call an orgy in Alabama?

A family gathering.

[NSFW] Why is prostitution cheaper in Alabama?

Family discount

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

Why are there so many orgies at monasteries in Alabama?

Because the monks and nuns are all Brothers and Sisters.

Which Greek character is from alabama

Oedipus

Why is Alabama college football so strong?

Because they are all one big family

Why do people from Alabama make the best paleontologists?

They're amazing at relative dating.

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

I recently found out that wheat in Alabama

is actually in-bread

Why can't you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can't take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.

How do people from Alabama refer to their ancenstors?

Incestors.

A couple from Alabama is lying in bed together.

Suddenly, without thinking, the woman says, "You are much better in bed than our son!"

The man stops and stares at the woman. "I, uh, take it back!" she stammers.

"Don't worry," says the man. "Our daughter said that too!"

What do you call road kill in Alabama?

Breakfast

Two guys immigrate to Alabama

Two guys immigrate to Alabama and decide to have a small bet regarding which one of them can integrate better. They decide to meet in one year to decide the results.

After one year they meet up and the first guy goes: ''Every sunday I go to church and then Walmart. I only eat chicken, shrimps...

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What did the Alabama cop say about the black man shot 16 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen.

When did the father from Alabama know his son was maturing?

One day his son just started coming into his own.

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We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.”

It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose

Why does Alabama love the month of October?

Because the get to pumpkin

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Congratulations to Alabama for making same sex marriage legal

Now the men can finally marry their brothers

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