UPJOKE
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Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

Jeff walks into a magic shop.

He walks up to the man at the counter and asks “What magic can you do”

The man at the counter replies “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and-“

Jeff interrupts him and says “Wait, go back”

Jeff walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him “That’ll be $30.75”

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Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump

Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and ma...

Doctor: Don’t be nervous Jeff, it’s gonna be a quick surgery.

Patient: But my name isn’t Jeff..

Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

In the future, Jeff Bezos will give away his fortune.

Elon started two weeks ago.

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

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Jeff, we got a Problem!

Man finds magical lamp.
Man rubs lamp.
Genie emerges.

Genie (bored monotoned voice required) : I am a genie. As you probably know I bestow wishes. There are a few ground rules. No wishing for reviving the dead, No wishing to fall in love, and you only get 3 wishes, so no wishing for li...

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

What's the difference between God and Jeff Bezos?

God doesn't think He's Jess Bezos.

How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?

“Doc, I feel like a million bucks.”

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly.....

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law ex...

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”



Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”



“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving d...

What does Jeff Bezos does before going to bed?

He puts payjamazon..

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

If you think Jeff Foxworthy is funny

You might be a redneck

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

I now know why Jeff Bezos divorced with his wife...

He needed space.

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What happens when Jeff Bezo's Rocket and Richard Branson's Rocket collide?

Branson's rocket is no longer a Virgin...

They say Jeff Bridges donated a good sum of money to charities after The Big Lebowski…

The Dude Provides!

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

When You Realize You are Material for a Jeff Foxworthy Special

If you spend your entire Christmas gift budget at a Tractor Supply...

You might be a redneck.

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

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Hey Jeff Bezos, next time, can you fly that phallic-looking rocket...

up Uranus?

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos’ marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

Jeff bezos

Jeff Bezos : I'm really bummed about my divorce

Friend : you probably need some space

Jeff Bezos : ...you're so ... right...

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

George and Jeff watches TV

George: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Jeff: "What happened?"

George: "An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!"

Jeff: "That *is* terrible."

Jeff: "I hate counting too."

A man named Jeff walks into a bar

He walks into the bar and then a bright light shone on him from above. He looked up and saw another man. The other man was elevated up in the sky sitting on a desk that was shaped like an '8'.

Jeff: Who are you?

The other man: I am the Narrator

Jeff: The narrator of what?
...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

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The FAA said that Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut.

Since he went to space and came back in a giant dick isn't he a seaman?

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

Jeff Bozos was cleaning his bedside lamp when a genie popped out.

Genie: One wish only, my good sir.

Bezos: Name it.

If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is

I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.

Glasses to see people naked

Good ol' Joe buys a pair of cheap Chinese "infrared" glasses online despite many warnings from his buddy Jeff

He wears them to office in the morning and sees everyone naked.

He takes them off and everyone has their clothes on.

In the evening, he wears them to the mall and see...

Do you know why Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott got divorced?

He told her she looks like a million bucks.

Last week Elon Musk surpassed Jeff Bezos as richest man in the world.

This week, Tom Brady's referees surpass Elon Musk as the richest men in the world

Jeff Bezos’ next big project is to have custom made suits delivered to your house within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

Jeff just had a pillow fight with death...

He faced the reaper-cushions

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven’t. Do they call him that because he runs fast?" Jeff replies, “Nah, they call him that because he doesn’t wear pants.”

"Is anyone here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"

Jeff goes to the grocery store.

Jeff - (to the clerk) can I get those dog biscuits?

Clerk - sure sir, would you like to eat in or take out?

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

If you can say nothing else about Jeff Goldblum, you can say this.....

He's pretty fly for a white guy.

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An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream...

...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.

Ted Bundy: Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

Jeff Goldblum, William Shatner, and Christopher Walken walk into a bar...

*dramatic pause*

What would Jeff Bezos’ currency be called?

Slavery.

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Bob and Jeff buy 2 horses

Bob: So how do we recognize them?
Jeff: I'll cut mine an ear so we will know which one is which.

*Jeff cuts an ear from his horse.When he looks back he sees that Bob did the same thing to his*

Jeff: You idiot! How are we gonna recognize them now? I'm going to cut the other ear.
...

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

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Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Elon Musk are golfing together

Out of nowhere, Bill puts one finger in his ear and points another at his mouth and starts talking. When he’s done, he explains that he has a microchip in both fingers to act as a phone. Not long after that, Elon starts talking but to seemingly no one. When he’s finished he explains that his microch...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Did you know Jeff Bezos has trouble sleeping?

Unless he has his Pajamazon.

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.

That‘s a really expensive net!

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

Jeff Bezos found a genie in the wild

Genie: One wish...

Jeff: Just tell me directly, I'll get it done.

Genie: ...

Why Amazon bought Whole Foods

Jeff Bezos: Alexa buy olives from Whole Foods

Alexa: Buying all of Whole Foods

Jeff: No Olives... Meh I can afford it go ahead.

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

Jeff Bezos isn't a great guy...

...But I enjoy his company.

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

Jeff Bezos paid a Brazilian arsonist

Desperate to get #AmazonFire trending.

Jeff asks his mom if he can go swimming

J: Mooooom can i go swimming, they are opening the 3m jumping tower today.

M: ok

* Jeff comes home with a broken arm *

The next day Jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are opening the 5m jumping tower today.

M: ok, but be careful

* Jeff comes home with...

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

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Phone call with Jeff.

Me: Hey Jeff, wanna here a joke?

Jeff: sure, fire away

Me: what has a tiny penis and hangs down

Jeff: What?

Me: A bat, what has a large penis and hangs up?

Jeff: What?

*click*

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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John’s arse.

Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.

Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff’s arse....

What do Jeff Bezos and Jamal Khashoggi have in common?

They were both hacked by Saudis.

I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.

Bill Gates now richer than Jeff Bezos

Now he can look down on Amazon from his Windows

Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

Two cannibals are eating Jeff Dunham.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny?"
The other cannibal says "No".

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Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The ...

I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife.

Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

Did you hear why Jeff Bezos' wife is leaving him?

He was caught cheating with Alexa.

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I like to remind myself,

At least I'm closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!

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Jim, Jeff and Joe are having a few beers at the local watering hole....

and seeing as their wives aren't around to tell the REAL truth, they start talking about what happens when they get in an argument.


"Well, when Jessica and I get in an argument about what to watch on TV, I tell her I bought the damn TV so I get to pick what we watch and when we watch it...

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

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A joke

Jeff and Tim were sitting at a bar drinking, and Jeff turned to Tim and said, “y’know i never got me a proper education. I think I’ll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes”.
So Jeff later that day went to the community college and spoke to a man and the man told him “I’ll ...

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A young man, named Jeff, recently joined a marketing company

And he was doing kind of well. His ads were always slightly overperforming in contrast to many others who had "hit or miss" situations, but his good work were completely by John Avoh, who knocked it out of the park constantly, receiving praise, companies asking for him personally and so on and so fo...

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

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A man is sitting at a bar talking to his buddy

And he turns to his buddy Jeff and says man what a day I have had. Jeff says hey tell me about it. So the guy starts telling the story.

So I was walking along the railroad tracks, and I saw this woman tied upon the tracks.
I rushed over as fast as I could and untied her.
I dusted he...

I think it’s safe to say Jeff Epstein’s last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

Jeff Bezos at a meeting:

"We might have to hold up on the release of the new Amazon Fire."

I asked Jeff Bezos’ wife why they were getting a divorce.

She said now that he’s out of this prime it takes him more than two days to come.

Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

Today we learned 2 things about Jeff Bezos: He has big cojones...

And there might be pictures of them

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