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Bob and Jeff buy 2 horses

Bob: So how do we recognize them?
Jeff: I'll cut mine an ear so we will know which one is which.

*Jeff cuts an ear from his horse.When he looks back he sees that Bob did the same thing to his*

Jeff: You idiot! How are we gonna recognize them now? I'm going to cut the other ear.
...

Jeff Bezos isn't a great guy...

...But I enjoy his company.

Jeff asks his mom if he can go swimming

J: Mooooom can i go swimming, they are opening the 3m jumping tower today.

M: ok

* Jeff comes home with a broken arm *

The next day Jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are opening the 5m jumping tower today.

M: ok, but be careful

* Jeff comes home with...

Ted Bundy: Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

Jeff Goldblum, William Shatner, and Christopher Walken walk into a bar...

*dramatic pause*

What do Jeff Bezos and Jamal Khashoggi have in common?

They were both hacked by Saudis.

I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife.

Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Bill Gates now richer than Jeff Bezos

Now he can look down on Amazon from his Windows

Jeff Bezos paid a Brazilian arsonist

Desperate to get #AmazonFire trending.

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

You might be a necropheliac if...

Shout out to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration. Here we go.

You might be a necropheliac if...

Your version of tinder is the local obituaries.

You have detailed knowledge of the security setup of every funeral home and cemetery in your city.

The contents of your trunk i...

Jeff Bezos at a meeting:

"We might have to hold up on the release of the new Amazon Fire."

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

I think it’s safe to say Jeff Epstein’s last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

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A radio station

ran a contest for listeners to pick English words that are no longer in use but should be brought back. A caller called...


Hi, my name is Dave


Hi Dave. What's your word?


Goan, spelt G O A N


Ok it's not in the dictionary. How do we use this?


Goan...

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

If Jeff Bezos worked for the government

he’d be a prime minister

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

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Deaf Man Steals Chicken

There once was a deaf man named Jeff who lived in the countryside. He had this neighbor, Brad, who raised some chickens in his front yard.

One day, Jeff was was walking by his neighbor's house and saw one fat juicy chicken that caught his eye. Seeing that there was no one around, Jeff stole ...

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Phone call with Jeff.

Me: Hey Jeff, wanna here a joke?

Jeff: sure, fire away

Me: what has a tiny penis and hangs down

Jeff: What?

Me: A bat, what has a large penis and hangs up?

Jeff: What?

*click*

I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.

Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

Is there anybody named Jeff in here

Jeff: Yes

Geoff: Yeos

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Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Elon Musk are golfing together

Out of nowhere, Bill puts one finger in his ear and points another at his mouth and starts talking. When he’s done, he explains that he has a microchip in both fingers to act as a phone. Not long after that, Elon starts talking but to seemingly no one. When he’s finished he explains that his microch...

Who is Mexico's richest man?

Jeff Pesos

I asked Jeff Bezos’ wife why they were getting a divorce.

She said now that he’s out of this prime it takes him more than two days to come.

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Jim, Jeff and Joe are having a few beers at the local watering hole....

and seeing as their wives aren't around to tell the REAL truth, they start talking about what happens when they get in an argument.


"Well, when Jessica and I get in an argument about what to watch on TV, I tell her I bought the damn TV so I get to pick what we watch and when we watch it...

Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

Today we learned 2 things about Jeff Bezos: He has big cojones...

And there might be pictures of them

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos are getting a divorce after 25 years

.....Well you know she is not leaving him for someone richer....!

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Did you hear about the time Jeff Wayne caught his wife masturbating with a chocolate bar?

“The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one”, he said.

Jeffrey Epstein dies and goes to Hell.

Satan sees him at the gates.

Satan yells "Hey Jeff, how's it hanging?"

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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John’s arse.

Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.

Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff’s arse....

How good is your knowledge of Demodicidae?

Jeff: Do you want to hear a demo, dex?



Dex: Eye Mite.

How do you track down DJ Jazzy Jeff in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints

Two cannibals are eating Jeff Dunham.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny?"
The other cannibal says "No".

My mate Jeff met a girl on Tinder who invited him back to her flat for a threesome with her twin...

Apparently her brothers moustache was really tickly.

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A young man, named Jeff, recently joined a marketing company

And he was doing kind of well. His ads were always slightly overperforming in contrast to many others who had "hit or miss" situations, but his good work were completely by John Avoh, who knocked it out of the park constantly, receiving praise, companies asking for him personally and so on and so fo...

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Jeff Goldblum is a given a chance to go back to Jurassic Park

Against all advice he decides to go and is airdropped from a plane on the island. On his way down he gets awe struck by the beauty of it all and forgets to chute till it's too late.

Luckily he ends up landing on something soft and squishy. After a brief moment of relief he realizes he's stuck...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

What is sitting in a tree and makes "Haa Haaa"?

An owl with a speech impediment.

\-------------

Dentist to the patient: This might hurt now a bit

Patient: Don't worry

Dentist: Ok... I'm having an affair with your wife!

\------------

Wife to husband: You look aweful with these new glasses

Husband: B...

My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.

I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

“I don’t recall.”

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Bill was a horny man who had just been deployed to a US army post in another country far away from the US.

Bill slept in a room, that had lots of bunk beds, about 15 and it was usually silent at night. You could hear a pin drop. Bill had his urges but he would not surrender, the power of the nut would not defeat him.

Well, eventually it did and one not trying to be as silent as possible he tried t...

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Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The ...

The 3 robbers

There was a group of 3 robbers, one named billy, one named, bob, and one named jeff. One day jeff suggested that they rob a bank. They all thought that this was a good idea so they found a bank and the next day after they planned t out they went to rob it. However once they got to the safe the reali...

I heard a Jeff Sessions joke yesterday

But I can't recall it now.

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day.

Steve suddenly fell off, and it killed him instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them will have to tell Steve's wife about the incident. Bob said he was good at the sensitive stuff, so he volunteered for the job.

After two hours he returned...

A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes."

Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."

Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him

He did not recall

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Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do

Like fucking the president.



\-Jeff Ross

Me: "So Doctor, you are saying I can touch myself anytime I want to?"

Doctor: "No, Jeff. I said you could have a stroke at any time."

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A rich man is looking to start a new hobby.

He heard that Warhammer 40k is a fun pastime so he decided to pay a visit to the local GW store.

"So what exactly do I need to start this hobby?" He asked.

"Well," the manager replied calmly."You will need to sell your kidneys, half of your liver and one of your lungs. I know a doctor ...

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

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[NSFW] The nun and the pervert

Jeff was on his morning commute when a beautiful young nun walked on. He couldn't help himself and began trying to flirt with the nun, who just sat there in silence and got off at the next stop.

The bus driver overheard Jeff's attempts and decided to let him in on a secret.

"She prays...

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and notices several lines of people getting beaten. Curious, he walks to the bartender.

Man: “What’s with these people getting beaten?”

Bartender: “Oh, those guys refused to pay their tabs so we kidnapped ‘em and let people hurt them for money, their punishment v...

Define asinine?

I will give her face a five and her asinine!!!

Source: Thanks Jeff Foxworthy!

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Two Couples Were Playing Cards

Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refre...

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Going to Cleveland

Night nurse at a mental hospital is doing rounds and sees one patient sitting up going
"vrrrrrooommm"
and she asks " Tom what are you doing?"
He replies "driving to Cleveland!"
She tells him to have a nice trip and continues on.
Later she is doing rounds again and Tom is looking ov...

Bob, Tom and Jeff are walking through the forest.

They come across a large hole in the ground. Jeff picks up a stone and throws it into the hole.

They listen closely and never hear the stone hit bottom.

Bob goes over and put picks up a larger rock, needs two hands to throw this rock down the hole.

They listen closely and nev...

A mother-in-law

stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-...

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Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost to...

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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The little rooster

It is a beautiful summers day when Rocky the rooster is taking his son out of the house for the first time.

"Son" the rooster says, "today you will become a man!"

The young rooster jumps up and down in pure excitement. "What are we going to do dad!?"

"Well son, my buddy Jeff tol...

I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said,...

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Two men were talking at a Bachelor party

The first man says to the other "Did you know that, statistically, one in twenty men are gay? I wonder which one it is?"
The other man said, "I hope it's Jeff, he's cute"

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

Now that he’s divorced, what does Amazon’s CEO do when he’s feeling lonely?

Jeff pays hoes.

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