Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do

Like fucking the president.

​

\-Jeff Ross

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask...

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

Is there anybody named Jeff in here

Jeff: Yes

Geoff: Yeos

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

I see Amazon boss Jeff Bezos’ wife is leaving him.

With a neighbour, presumably.

What title would be given to Jeff Bezos if he were a politician?

Prime Minister

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

Today we learned 2 things about Jeff Bezos: He has big cojones...

And there might be pictures of them

I asked Jeff Bezos’ wife why they were getting a divorce.

She said now that he’s out of this prime it takes him more than two days to come.

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Lauren Sanchez was having sex with Jeff Bezos when her cell phone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was my husband Patrick, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos are getting a divorce after 25 years

.....Well you know she is not leaving him for someone richer....!

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

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Did you hear about the time Jeff Wayne caught his wife masturbating with a chocolate bar?

“The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one”, he said.

Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

How do you track down DJ Jazzy Jeff in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints

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Two Couples Were Playing Cards

Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refre...

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I think my friend Jeff is gay. But I don’t know.

I’m not good with names.

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

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Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Elon Musk are golfing together

Out of nowhere, Bill puts one finger in his ear and points another at his mouth and starts talking. When he’s done, he explains that he has a microchip in both fingers to act as a phone. Not long after that, Elon starts talking but to seemingly no one. When he’s finished he explains that his microch...

My mate Jeff met a girl on Tinder who invited him back to her flat for a threesome with her twin...

Apparently her brothers moustache was really tickly.

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

They both had a great time.

Two cannibals are eating Jeff Dunham.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny?"
The other cannibal says "No".

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John’s arse.

Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.

Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff’s arse....

3 Men standing in front of the gates of hell

Suddenly Satan appear in front of these three men and started reading the scroll he was holding.

You three have commited serious crimes during your life,

John, you have raped many womans

Michael, you have robbed many liquor stores.

And Jeff, you apparently smoke too m...

What's the difference between Jeff Sessions and a book about Jeff Sessions?

The book has a spine.

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A young man, named Jeff, recently joined a marketing company

And he was doing kind of well. His ads were always slightly overperforming in contrast to many others who had "hit or miss" situations, but his good work were completely by John Avoh, who knocked it out of the park constantly, receiving praise, companies asking for him personally and so on and so fo...

Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him

He did not recall

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

“I don’t recall.”

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

I heard a Jeff Sessions joke yesterday

But I can't recall it now.

A man enters a party and says "Is anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff raised his hand and said "Yes."

Geoff raised his hand and said "Yeos."

One day while scaffolding...

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive ...

Oh Jessica...

A fatal stabbing left a man bleeding to death just outside of an apartment complex, alone. As he started to lose consciousness, the man began writing the name of his killer, Jeffrey, his next door neighbor. The name was left incomplete, as he'd succumbed just after almost finishing the first "F"....

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Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The ...

Now that he’s divorced, what does Amazon’s CEO do when he’s feeling lonely?

Jeff pays hoes.

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

Long

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," ...

What do you call an operative late to a meeting with Jeff Sessions?

A Rushin Spy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas Party

Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost to...

Two robbers, Hank and Jeff, break into a jewelry store.

They start taking everything they can get their hands on without triggering the alarms. Hank spots a gold necklace with a huge emerald, the price of which would allow them to live in luxury for the rest of their lives. It was obviously well-secured, however, and Jeff tries to convince him that it's ...

Bob, Tom and Jeff are walking through the forest.

They come across a large hole in the ground. Jeff picks up a stone and throws it into the hole.

They listen closely and never hear the stone hit bottom.

Bob goes over and put picks up a larger rock, needs two hands to throw this rock down the hole.

They listen closely and nev...

Bill Gates: "You owe me one!"

Jeff Bezos: "What do you want?"

BG: "I don't care how you pull it off but I want my title back. I need to be the world's richest man again."

JB: "I got an idea. Be right back."

Traumatized son

A young boy, an only child no more than ten years old, wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

As he is walking to the restroom, he opens his parents' bedroom door and sees them copulating quite vigorously. The boy screams in horror. The mom throws the dad off and attempts...

Surgeon and patient

Surgeon: This is your first time Jeff, but it's gonna be alright.
Patient: But my name is not Jeff.
Surgeon: I know. Jeff is my name.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....

When they both suddenly die part way through the song.

They are reincarnated as ass-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."

Who became second richest person on earth thanks to their wife?

Jeff Bezos

What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

A grasshopper walks into a bar

the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Jeff?

Trump and Macron are discussing leadership and decision making...

Donald Trump asks Emmanuel Macron how he's able to make such great decisions all the time.

Macron says "I make sure to communicate with intelligent people and ask their advice."

Trump: "Well how do you know they're smart?"

Macron: "I ask them riddles. Observe."

He calls ...

I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Americans decide to open a bunjee-jumping business in Mexico.

They set up in the middle of a small village where they gather all the locals to preform a demonstration. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A drunk guy staggers into a bar and orders a beer.

He goes up to the barman and shouts, "Wow! There are A LOT of hot women in here".

Filled with Dutch courage, the guy says, "I bet you 50 bucks I can go up to any hottie in here, squeeze her boobs, slap her ass and still get her number!"

The barman agrees and they put their money under ...

An Asian walks into a bar...

An Asian guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :

• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?

• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?

• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

Jenny was walking home from school one day.

Suddenly she saw her little brother Tom running from school to home. She got worried and asked:

"Tom, why are you running?"

"I'm trying to prevent a fight between two boys"

"And who are those boys?"

"Jeff and I"

Smee goan get some Karma

A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren’t in the dictionary but could still be used in a sentence and make sense.

DJ: “96FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi my name is Dave!”

DJ: “Hey Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Freudian slips

Jeff and Bob were talking about Freudian slips

Jeff: Man I was trying to order two tickets to Pittsburgh from this big breasted woman and accidentally said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" I was mortified.

Bob: Oh, that's nothing. I tried to ask my wife Karen to pass the salt at dinner th...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" sh...

"Hey Bill, how come I can see through you?"

"Well, you see Jeff, My son told me this morning that he's transgender, so that makes me... trans**parent**"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friedrich Nietzsche opened a club.

Overnight, it became the hottest new place in town. It seemed like everyone was turned away at the door for not meeting dress code. Eventually, one guy shows up and fights the bouncer after being rejected. When he won, the bouncer stripped naked, handed the guy his clothes, and told him he could hea...

Donald Trump has a phone call with Queen Elizabeth II

Struggling with problems in his Cabinet, he asks her "I hear you run a very tight ship over in England. Would you mind giving me some advice or telling me some secrets?".

The Queen replies "It is very easy and simple. Just surround yourself by smart people. For example, listen to this".
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Guru (potentially NSFW depending on words used)

Bill and Jeff are sitting at the local - Bill is complaining to Jeff that his elbow his hurting him and that he will have to go to the doctor and pay the high medical bills/etc that will come with it...


Jeff tells Bill to forget that, he should visit 10th and 3rd and see The Guru! Basical...