UPJOKE
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Jeff Jokes

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”



Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”



“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.



The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving d...

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Jeff walks into a magic shop.

He walks up to the man at the counter and asks “What magic can you do”

The man at the counter replies “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and-“

Jeff interrupts him and says “Wait, go back”

Jeff walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him “That’ll be $30.75”

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." "Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

"Anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"

Geoff: "Yeos"

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

what's the difference between Jeff Epstein's plane and a normal flight ?

on a normal flight you're only getting screwed by the airline

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

Last week Elon Musk surpassed Jeff Bezos as richest man in the world.

This week, Tom Brady's referees surpass Elon Musk as the richest men in the world

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Jeff, we got a Problem!

Man finds magical lamp.
Man rubs lamp.
Genie emerges.

Genie (bored monotoned voice required) : I am a genie. As you probably know I bestow wishes. There are a few ground rules. No wishing for reviving the dead, No wishing to fall in love, and you only get 3 wishes, so no wishing for li...

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Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump

Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and ma...

Jeff Bezos is just a bad Santa.

He has drones, our addresses and our wishlist, yet he refuses to do his duty.

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

What's Jeff Bezos' favorite meal?

Prime Rib

I now know why Jeff Bezos divorced with his wife...

He needed space.

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Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The ...

Jeff bezos

Jeff Bezos : I'm really bummed about my divorce

Friend : you probably need some space

Jeff Bezos : ...you're so ... right...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

A man named Jeff walks into a bar

He walks into the bar and then a bright light shone on him from above. He looked up and saw another man. The other man was elevated up in the sky sitting on a desk that was shaped like an '8'.

Jeff: Who are you?

The other man: I am the Narrator

Jeff: The narrator of what?
...

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

Doctor: Don’t be nervous Jeff, it’s gonna be a quick surgery.

Patient: But my name isn’t Jeff..

Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

Oh, you´re surprised Jeff Epstein committed suicide?

Imagine how surprised Jeff must have been.

Jeff Bezos stepped down as CEO of Amazon.

Quit when he was in his Prime.

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

George and Jeff watches TV

George: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Jeff: "What happened?"

George: "An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!"

Jeff: "That *is* terrible."

Jeff: "I hate counting too."

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?

“Doc, I feel like a million bucks.”

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What happens when Jeff Bezo's Rocket and Richard Branson's Rocket collide?

Branson's rocket is no longer a Virgin...

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos’ marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

If you think Jeff Foxworthy is funny

You might be a redneck

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

Jeff goes to the grocery store.

Jeff - (to the clerk) can I get those dog biscuits?

Clerk - sure sir, would you like to eat in or take out?

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A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village

"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"

"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village fucked Mary Jon...

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Hey Jeff Bezos, next time, can you fly that phallic-looking rocket...

up Uranus?

Jeff Bezos is no longer the President of Amazon.

But he's still the Prime Minister.

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Bob and Jeff buy 2 horses

Bob: So how do we recognize them?
Jeff: I'll cut mine an ear so we will know which one is which.

*Jeff cuts an ear from his horse.When he looks back he sees that Bob did the same thing to his*

Jeff: You idiot! How are we gonna recognize them now? I'm going to cut the other ear.
...

What would Jeff Bezos’ currency be called?

Slavery.

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

When You Realize You are Material for a Jeff Foxworthy Special

If you spend your entire Christmas gift budget at a Tractor Supply...

You might be a redneck.

Nearly 3,000 people in Rotterdam plan to throw rotten eggs at Jeff Bezos' superyacht.

Great idea.

Getting underpaid people to clean up his mess.

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Phone call with Jeff.

Me: Hey Jeff, wanna here a joke?

Jeff: sure, fire away

Me: what has a tiny penis and hangs down

Jeff: What?

Me: A bat, what has a large penis and hangs up?

Jeff: What?

*click*

Jeff just had a pillow fight with death...

He faced the reaper-cushions

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The FAA said that Jeff Bezos is not an astronaut.

Since he went to space and came back in a giant dick isn't he a seaman?

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

Jeff Bezos isn't a great guy...

...But I enjoy his company.

Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

Jeff Bezos paid a Brazilian arsonist

Desperate to get #AmazonFire trending.

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

Did you know Jeff Bezos has trouble sleeping?

Unless he has his Pajamazon.

Jeff Bezos found a genie in the wild

Genie: One wish...

Jeff: Just tell me directly, I'll get it done.

Genie: ...

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

Do you know why Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott got divorced?

He told her she looks like a million bucks.

Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

They say Jeff Bridges donated a good sum of money to charities after The Big Lebowski…

The Dude Provides!

So a woman walks into a pet store...

and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "...

Jeff Bozos was cleaning his bedside lamp when a genie popped out.

Genie: One wish only, my good sir.

Bezos: Name it.

Jeff Bezos at a meeting:

"We might have to hold up on the release of the new Amazon Fire."

Two cannibals are eating Jeff Dunham.

One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny?"
The other cannibal says "No".

Bill Gates now richer than Jeff Bezos

Now he can look down on Amazon from his Windows

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

What's the difference between Alex Jones and Jeff Bezos?

Alex Jones was on Joe Rogan

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven’t. Do they call him that because he runs fast?" Jeff replies, “Nah, they call him that because he doesn’t wear pants.”

Why did Jeff Bezos divorce his wife?

Because he found out marriages are classified as "recognized unions."

Jeff Goldblum, William Shatner, and Christopher Walken walk into a bar...

*dramatic pause*

What's the resemblance between a battery and Jeff Epstein?

They both die in a cell!

Jeff asks his mom if he can go swimming

J: Mooooom can i go swimming, they are opening the 3m jumping tower today.

M: ok

* Jeff comes home with a broken arm *

The next day Jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are opening the 5m jumping tower today.

M: ok, but be careful

* Jeff comes home with...

If I had one dollar for every time someone complained about how rich Jeff Bezos is

I still wouldn’t be as rich as Jeff Bezos.

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law ex...

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

What do Jeff Bezos and Jamal Khashoggi have in common?

They were both hacked by Saudis.

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream...

...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.

I am the Smartest President Ever

So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said,...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

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A young man, named Jeff, recently joined a marketing company

And he was doing kind of well. His ads were always slightly overperforming in contrast to many others who had "hit or miss" situations, but his good work were completely by John Avoh, who knocked it out of the park constantly, receiving praise, companies asking for him personally and so on and so fo...

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Two Couples Were Playing Cards

Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refre...

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

If you can say nothing else about Jeff Goldblum, you can say this.....

He's pretty fly for a white guy.

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An Irish radio station was running a competition

Words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N p...

Did you hear why Jeff Bezos' wife is leaving him?

He was caught cheating with Alexa.

Jeff Bezos’ next big project is to have custom made suits delivered to your house within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

I heard a Jeff Sessions joke yesterday

But I can't recall it now.

I asked Jeff Bezos’ wife why they were getting a divorce.

She said now that he’s out of this prime it takes him more than two days to come.

Bob and Jeff are at the funeral for their friend Larry

Bob: I can't believe this, were you as shocked as I was to hear the horrible news?

Jeff: Actually, I was with him when he died. We were playing golf and on the 10th hole he had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Bob: Jeez, I'm so sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Jeff: It ...

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos are getting a divorce after 25 years

.....Well you know she is not leaving him for someone richer....!

Today we learned 2 things about Jeff Bezos: He has big cojones...

And there might be pictures of them

Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him

He did not recall

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

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