Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited.

Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast?

They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

In Minnesota, it gets so cold...

...that you can eat softserve directly from the udder!

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Two old Minnesota farmers talking about the weather.

One asks the other if he knows the temperature outside. The other one days "At 70+ degrees, my dick's name is Robert. 50 degrees, it's Bobby. 20 degrees, it's Bob. I'm not sure, but right now Roberta says it's damn cold outside.

Ollie, one of our favorite Minnesota doofuses, calls the airlines information desk and inquires, “How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?

“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.

“Vell, said Ollie, “if it goes dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus.”

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

What do you call gangsters from Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

What do you drink with a small lunch?

A Minnesota!

Four men are in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

Did you hear about Minnesota's new law against importing soft drinks?

It's soda-MN hard to get a drink there anymore.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota...

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Sad news from Minnesota

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to ...

How can you tell when you've found a really good rock n roll band in Minnesota?





They have two accordions

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Cock fighting is legal in Minnesota.

As long as you don't use chicken's.

I know it's an old one, but there was a cock fight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft-drinks?

Minnesota.

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

You know it's cold in Minnesota when....

Everyone goes to ice arena to warm up.

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota

Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway."

Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. D...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. ...

The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota. He had giv...

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Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get in...

What do you call a very small bottle of soda?

Minnesota.

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Norwegians in Minnesota

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company ...

Why don't University of Wisconsin football players ever date University of Minnesota cheerleaders?

Ever seen what a badger does to a gopher hole?

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Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my f...

Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota?

Because that's where the mini apple is!

If we legalized marijuana in Minnesota...

... we could afford to fill in our potholes.

Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred earlier today...

...when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian cemetery there early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Who are the Minnesota Vikings' toughest opponents?

November and December.

Three guys are in a boat on a lake in Minnesota, fishing.

It's an extremely hot day so they drink a lot of cold beers. One of them stands up to relieve himself over the side, and he falls in and sinks. After a minute, the other two dive in and look for him. Finally one of them finds him at the bottom of the lake, and hauls him to the surface, where the two...

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

An old Minnesota farmer found out the Minnesota and Iowa state border had been surveyed incorrectly.

When they told him his house was actually in Iowa by 10 feet He said, "Thank god. No more Minnesota Winters!"

BREAKING NEWS: Adrian Peterson has been traded to the Minnesota Twins

They needed a switch hitter

A Chicago Bears' fan, a Minnesota Viking's fan, and a Detroit Lions' fan find a genie in a bar...

The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of vodka the bartender opens.
[](/sp)
The genie says to the bartender: "Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires an...

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Bear removal

A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looked up in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for “Up North Bear Removers”. He called the number listed and the bear remover said he would be over within the hour.

The bear remover arrived, and go...

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

where can’t you buy a large soda?

minnesota

What does a dog from Minnesota say?

Woof da.

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!”



“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”



A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets!”
...

Sven the farmer

A Minnesota farmer named Sven had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Ajax Company.

In court, the Ajax Company's hot shot attorney questioned him thus "Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Sven responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat...

Three guys are in a hospital waiting room

Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy. The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!" The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing. Twins! Imagine that! You know what's funny, though? ...

Doctor wants to Deer hunting, asks for Ole's help. Northern Minnesota joke, read in accent for more fun.

An old man came into the restaurant I work at the other day and told me this story. I thought it was pretty funny.

A Doctor wants to go deer hunting. He's asking to get someone to cover his shift, but none of the other doctors would come in for him, and he already made plans and everything an...

I really hope the Boston Celtics don't sign Taco Fall to any contact in the NBA.

So he could join the Minnesota Timberwolves. With Jordan Bell in the team, we will have the Taco Bell frontcourt.

The end

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Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward.

edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap

They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man.

"Congratulations, your wife had twins!"

The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence...

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Wheres the library at?

So a guy from Minnesota goes to Harvard and he goes up to one of the students and asks, "hey could you tell me where the library is at"? and the student snobbly replies, "This is Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions". To which the student form Minnesota replies, "okay, could you tell...

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Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars...

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Ball Club, Minnesota."
The bear, angry, replies "What?! Give me a beer right now!"
The bartender shrugs. "I'm sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Ball Club, Minnesot...

Walking on Water

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants 
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up 
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesu...

Craft Beer

About six months ago, I joined the craft beer craze by setting up a back porch brewery, mixing my own corn mash and hops and water. It took me a few batches, by trial and error, but I finally got a good balance of bitterness, color, carbonation and “buzz.”

The stuff tasted pretty good, so I s...

Late Lent/Easter Joke

Eino, a Finn from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…..and since it was Lent, they were forb...

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean west?

Minnesota sucks.

So I was reading licence plates...

The first car was from Minnesota, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom said "10,000 Lakes". I thought to myself "They must put the State Slogan there." The next car was from Arkansas, had 6 numbers, and at the bottom, it read "Disabled"

Ole the Norwegian Insurance Salesman

Ole, the smoothest Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty. Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the ...

What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?

Minnesota

Winter weather emergency

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can ...

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The Peanut Gallery

Somewhere back in the era of grainy black-and-white TV, there was a Saturday kid's show called "Riddle Griddle." It was hosted by Jimmy Valentine, who is now in the Minnesota Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

The show had bleachers where the kids sat, like the "Peanut Galleries" of Mickey Mouse and ...

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Body Transplant Operation

A family has a son who, due to an unfortunate accident in his youth, is now a disembodied head.

His mother and father take care of him year after year, trying to make his life as good as they can under the circumstances. Despite their efforts, however, their son is quite cynical and bitter a...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

The only joke I've ever heard from my mother

my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke)

Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?"
"I do."

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st ca...

Being football fans ... Why do all the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south ?

Because Minnesota blows & Chicago sucks

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Tickle Me Elmo!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at th...

Olie v. Devil (a bit long)

Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well b...

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