The 17+ Best Maryland Jokes

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

Police say a Maryland man stole $369 worth of erectile dysfunction and insomnia meds from a pharmacy

Apparently he wanted to stay up but not stay up.

Driving in Maryland

My girlfriend was next to me in my car the other day. We're driving through Baltimore and she says "Did you know Maryland is the third worst state to drive in?" over and over and over. About six miles later I get pulled over by a cop. The cop says "uhh sir? You do realize your girlfriend fell out of...

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."

A woman from Maryland who fell in love with the DJ from her first wedding day has married him five years later...

she originally asked him three years ago, but he said he wasn't taking requests just then.

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

What do Marylanders call their ex-girlfriends?

Old Bay.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

There many similarities between the JFK and Lincoln assassinations

For example the night before Lincoln was assassinated he was in Monroe,Maryland. Well not many people know this but the night before JFK was assassinated he was in Marilyn Monroe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes for 11/2

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Alabama, a man who robbed a Subway said he did so because he tried the “Subway Diet”, but didn’t lose weight. Police describe the suspect as armed and extremely gullible.

In New York City, a health department wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Northern Virginian dies and wakes up in Hell

He is surprised that Maryland can wake the dead.

I ran into your mom in Baltimore and she gave me a present...

Real Maryland Crabs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

A pregnant woman

A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brothe...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

Topical Jokes for 6/20

(For best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night personality)

In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937.

In Illinois, a university is offering ...

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