The 45+ Best Missouri Jokes

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska.

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

A Missouri Farmer

A Missouri farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

*"Is your Dad home?"* the farmer asked.

*"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."*

Persistent, the farmer asks the boy *"Well, is your Mother here?"*

*...

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri...

Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Did you know only one US president has been born in Missouri?

It's true, man.

The Missouri state legislature is considering a ban on female legislators' clothing that leaves their arms exposed

I never thought I'd see a Republican state trying to overturn the right to bare arms

(Yes, this is actually happening)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

In 1946, Winston Churchill travelled to Fulton, Missouri.

He was there to deliver a speech and to present at the dedication of a bust in his honour.

After his speech, an attractive and ample woman approached the wartime Prime Minister of England and said, "Mr. Churchill, I have travelled over a hundred miles for the unveiling of your bust."

C...

Ever heard of the Missouri Compromise?

It's when you want to get McDonalds for lunch but your buddy wants Pizza Hut, so you compromise and get both.

Here in missouri.

We call it the midwest, but looking at a map you’ll notice that it’s more east than west. It made me wonder why we call it the Midwest, but then I realized that we are mostly a red state, and I can’t imagine those folks wanting to call it the Mideast.

I heard Missouri is having some great Black Friday sales this year...

100% off everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

Missouri’s new travel slogan.

Missouri Loves Company

My companies biggest customer is the state of Missouri.

I guess it's safe to say Missouri loves my company.

A blonde says "Not all blondes are stupid, and I can prove it!"

"...Give me any state, and I'll tell you it's capital."

A person yells out, "Missouri!"

"M" replies the blonde.

TIL that in the 1820 Missouri Compromise, Missouri wasn't able to become a state unless Maine was also granted statehood.

As it turns out, Missouri loves company.

Since I moved to Jefferson city

I'm in state of Missouri ):

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

I started taking fish out of Kansas City and bringing them into Kansas. The local vegans and fishermen got mad at me.

I said, “What, I’m just putting them out of their Missouri”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Missouri congressman order out at a Japanese restaurant?

Ramen and ra-women.

Did you hear about Missouri’s plan to draw more business in?

The new motto is “Missouri loves companies”.

Not a single person at those Memorial Day swim parties in Missouri was social distancing. They were packed in there, shoulder-to-shoulder, splashing around, making a...

...second wave pool.

A recent study shows that the best place for corporations to do business in the US is St. Louis.

As they say, ..Missouri loves companies.

How many Missouri Police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just shoot the room for being black.

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

A fun little hike

Mississippi asked Missouri “What did Delaware?” She replied, “Idaho, but Alaska”. Turns out she wore her New Jersey.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

You know what I felt coming to the States?

Missouri

Which state of misery can be the worst to live in?

Missouri

What did the depressed teen say in the Midwest?

Please end my Missouri

Donald Trump's favorite song is 'Dust in the Wind.'

He said he loves anything by the band Missouri.

Why is the 24th State so depressed?

It’s a constant state of Missouri

The Red Cross knocked on the door...

of an elderly Bostonian, and asked if he could contribute towards the floods in Missouri. He replied he'd love to, but his garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: Missouri.

I: What state are you in now?

M: Apathy.

I: That's not what I meant.

M: I don't care.

Continuing the apparent theme of incest jokes...

How do you circumcise a boy from Missouri?

You kick his sister in the chin.

Why do so many sad people go to Jefferson City?

Because Missouri loves company.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time there was two farmers

One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Plato, Missouri. They was always good friends, and Biil’s oldest boy had been a-charmin’ one of Sam’s daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty god damn mad. “Bill,” says he, “from...

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