UPJOKE
wisconsinkentuckychicagoiowaindianamissouricaliforniaohiounited statespennsylvaniamichiganutahillinois riverwyomingvermont

Illinois Jokes

Why are there so many Latina's in Illinois?

Because that's where the Chica go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“There once was a priest from Illinois,

Who liked to touch all the boys.

He ran from the co..”

“God damnit Bob the ‘s’ in Illinois is silent, so your fuckin joke doesn’t rhyme and the shit ain’t funny”.

Illinois has corn, Wisconsin has cheese, what does Michigan have?

Lead poisoning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from Illinois

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-ma...

What's the most popular website in Illinois?

Cornhub.com

One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair...

There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.

Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."

Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $...

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge......

.....George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide...

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois.

When I was twelve, I found them.

What US state do people get most sick in?

Illinois.

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Man and his Wife get Pulled Over

An old man and his wife are driving down the interstate one day when they begin to get pulled over.

The old man who is driving says “Damn, we’re getting pulled over!”

The old woman, who is hard of hearing cups her ear and mutters “Eeeehhh?”

The old man replies “WE’RE GETTING PU...

You know why you should never hang out with that guy from Chicago?

Illinois you.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

Four best friends graduate from college and promise to meet up with each other once every 10 years despite taking different paths in lives.

When they're all 35 years old, they discuss where they should meet up. One friend suggests they should go to the cabin located at the outskirts of a smal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a guy out hunting and he shoots a duck.

The DNR warden comes out of the woods and says, whachu got there? Got a duck, got a duck? He sticks his finger up the ducks butt, nods his head and says, thats a Wisconsin duck, you got a Wisconsin hunting license? The guy pulls out his wallet and shows him a Wisconsin hunting license.

The n...

Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago?

Because 'Illinois you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Freighter carrying Viagra sinks in Lake Michigan

Now instead of drooping limply into Illinois, the Greatest Lake now projects majestically into Wisconsin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men enter a public restroom

All three stand at the urinals, doing their business.

The first shakes his final dribbles and zips up, then heads to the sink, where he proceeds to wash his hands thoroughly with soap and water - twice. As he is scrubbing away, he explains - "I'm from Wisconsin, and we have been taught to be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get in the deer hunting spirit

For the past 20 years ten of my closest friends have been spending deer season in the same camp in the UP (Upper Peninsula). This year one of the members got married; worse yet, his brother in law wanted to join the camp. The problem was the brother in law was a FIB (fucking Illinois bastard).
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family First (original joke)

Mr. Scott Lood was a poor little farmer from Illinois who paid the bills by churning butter all day and all night. He came from a family of dairy farmers: his father was a cream maker, and his father before him a cheese maker. There was little money to be made in this line of work- so little in fact...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.