UPJOKE

Always Remember Jokes

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

If you ever feel down, always remember

Mongolia has a Navy

Amber will always remember this as

The day she almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow

Always remember — you’re unique.

Just like everyone else.

Always remember, it takes 2 wipes to know you need 3...

But 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

..I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me before he died,

“You holding the ladder?”

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

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Fellas, always remember the importance of foreplay...

...when done correctly, a boob in hand gets two balls in the bush!

Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

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I’ll always remember grandpa’s last words.

“Stop shakin’ the ladder, you little bastard!”

Before crossing the road, always remember to look both ways twice.

First for cars, then for cops.

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

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I'll always remember the first time I had sex ...

I kept the receipt.

I will always remember my son's first words

"Where the heck have you been the past 16 years?"

If you call a girl fat, she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS :)

Organs are extremely expensive in the black market. :)

A child asks her mum if she will always remember her ...

****My sister told me this joke the other day****

Daughter: "Will you remember me in 1 hour?"

Mum: "Of course i will"

Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 day?

Mum: "yes dear"

Daughter: "will you remember me in 1 month?"

Mum: "to the end of time, i will alwa...

Always remember the Blanket Statement

Smallpox

Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you.

Push and pull.

Always remember that money cannot buy you love

It can, however, buy you a mansion, a yacht, a nice suit, and a fancy European sports car. After that, you'll be beating love off with a stick.

I'll always remember what my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed:

'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'

Always remember that you have better taste in things than your spouse

If your spouse has better taste, they wouldn't have chosen you

The best way to always remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once

Always remember that there’s no “i” in “team”.

I learned that the hard way during a game of scrabble.

I’ll always remember where my wife and I had our first kiss

It was on the mouth

Always remember that other people aren't responsible for your happiness.

They're responsible for your unhappiness.

I’ll always remember my grandfather’s favorite saying: Be envied, not envious.

Every day, I wish I was the one who thought of that quote.

No matter how rough things get, always remember, never be ashamed of yourself...

That's your parents' job.

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

Always remember that the key to a happy marriage is to use those three magic words.

You're right dear.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol (gas) station

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol station …. Back in those days it wasn’t self service , so my job was to put petrol in cars when a customer arrived.

I always remember this one particular day when an old chap pulled in and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out...

I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

A clock maker had new students come to his workshop today. As he was in the middle of one of his projects he told them to always remember one thing to do when he was at work.

To watch and learn

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

Why can’t a squirrel ever forget his ex?

He always remembers where he put his nut

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery

One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell o...

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If you think that you're too powerless to change the world...

... always remember that a single idiot who snacked a bat managed to shutdown the whole fucking world for 2 years.

Just a bit of motivation for all of you out there

Always remember, you're never completely useless...

You can always serve as a bad example!

My 7 year old daughters new favourite joke..

Daughter - Mum, will you always and forever remember my name?

Me - Yes.....?

Daughter - knock, knock..

Me - who's there?

Daughter - you said you'd always remember my name!

(Daughter walks off in a theatrical sulk.
It's been a week.. I still fall for it almost da...

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.





George Bush? Im be a banana man.





Barack Obama? Im apple.



<...

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A Girl was towelling her wet Pussy..

She enjoyed it very much, and started rubbing it vigourosly..

until the pussy cried 'meoww'
and Ran Away....

ALWAYS REMEMBER -

1. Be kind to animals
2. Keep your thoughts clean
3. Good that she was not towelling her wet ass

Asses can be dangerous animals &...

If you can’t remember that “mnemonic” starts with “M,” just repeat: “ARMSWiM,”

“Always Remember Mnemonic Starts With ‘M.’”

What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?

Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember.

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

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This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

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