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Constantly Jokes

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?

A predditor.

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

John constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism…

No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even John could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,...

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My girlfriend was getting upset that I was constantly horny...

... so she broke it off.

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

As an East Asian guy, I constantly get asked what's my background

It's Windows standard.

"It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison."

"Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."

What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?

Half a dog.

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

Why was the director's wife constantly anxious in public?

Because her husband was always making a scene.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage...

...a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large life insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie expla...

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Why do monks and nuns in Alabama constantly have sex?

Because they‘re all Brothers and Sisters.

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

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My dick is constantly hard

Hard to find

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

I used to be constantly chased by women.

Then I stopped stealing purses.

I'm constantly getting tire'd just from lying down...

I probably should stop lying down on the street.

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I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it's a German thing

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

I'm constantly losing my jello

I mean I can't remember where I keep pudding it.

My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn't listen.

And now, the end is near.

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Joe was constantly suffering from headache since long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

I’m tired of people constantly being so condescending about everything

(That means to talk down to someone)

I constantly have to remind my wife to not breast feed our son for so long. She always seems to forget that it causes bleeding…

… she has a tearable mammary.

(Sorry just a random dad joke I thought of today while in the shower. Not a true story)

Which pasta is constantly locked out?

Gnocchi!

All my friends are constantly complaining that I’m too frugal.

I’m not buying it.

Growing up as the youngest in my family, I constantly got beat up by the two oldest

mom and dad

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

I constantly get misunderstandings and Chinese philosophers mixed up.

It’s so Confucius.

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them.

Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

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What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

What do you call a person that constantly agrees with everyone?

Agreesive.

What do Superman and constantly watched employees have in common?

supervision

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

Biden looked like a prisoner constantly having bad behavior.

'Cause he couldn't finish a sentence.

What do you call someone who smokes weed constantly?

A chronic smoker

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I hate it when my girlfriend constantly cheats

It’s the only way the stupid bitch can beat me at Mario Kart.

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her…

Or something like that. I dunno I wasnt really listening.

So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life

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My older sister was constantly pressuring me to have sex

She was incestent

A man constantly annoys his wife by.....

...referring to her as "Mother of 5" in social situations. Whenever he introduces her or when they are leaving a party, as in "ok, "Mother of 5" time to go home"...one day she has had enough and when he called this out at the end of the church picnic she yelled back "Ok let me get my purse and we'll...

My friends are constantly asking me to stop signing Oasis songs.

I said maybe.

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry?

Because they were no-mads

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A woman is constantly bragging about what a beautiful butt she has.

Every day, several times a day she brags to her husband, friends and family what a beautiful butt she has.
One day she decides to get B tattooed on each butt cheek so her husband is reminded what a beautiful butt his wife has.

Well after it's done she comes home, turns around, drops her p...

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

After turning off the constantly beeping machine, my grandpa finally slept better

No idea why the doctors and nurses were screaming though

Tired of me constantly pretending to be a detective, my wife has said that she wants us to split up...

I told her it was a good idea.

We can cover more ground that way...

I know this guy, who's constantly gloating...

He inherited this ancient ming dynasty table from a dead relative and he wouldn't shut up about it. He didn't even seem to care that a family member had died. So one day I went over to his place to see this "amazing, priceless table" and when he went to the bathroom I sawed off all of it's legs. He ...

My neighbor leave his sprinkler running constantly sometimes days at a time..

It's really irrigating.

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies?

The ruler.

I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse.

When do I get Adult Supervision?

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

An oldie my Dad constantly tells me

Two men walk into the the theatre to watch a charlie chaplin film. Guy 1 makes a bet: "I bet Chaplin gets bopped the moment he walks around the corner" and guy 2 accepts.

They watch the film and as predicted, Chaplin get hit on the head so guy 2 has to pay up.

The first guy returns th...

I hate people who constantly yell at me for stupid reasons.

Like: "Billy, you're so stupid."

"Billy, why do you always mess up?"

"Billy, where's our son?"

Such stupid reasons...

I used to own two pairs of pants I played golf in constantly.

Sadly, I got a Hole In One.

I was constantly praised and flattered by a colony of ants....

It turns out that they were sycophants!

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

My boyfriend is kicking me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

I tried to make a living as a comedian, but I constantly bombed every sets.

So I joined Al Qaeda instead.

Now that I'm wearing a face mask all day, half my face is constantly hot.

Not too bad being a 5/10

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Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.

Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sa...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

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My friend constantly over-reacts to people's little quirks

And that drives me bat-shit crazy!

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

What do you call someone who's constantly making jokes about their sausage?

Someone with the wurst sense of humor.

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

My English teacher constantly makes fun of me because I confuse my prepositions.

He's always rubbing it out.

The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter constantly wear a burqa, is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife.

What do you call a salad leaf that constantly works out?

Shredded lettuce

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My wife is constantly trying to talk to me through the bathroom door while I'm using the toilet.

It always annoys the shit out of me so I can't complain too much.

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