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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

Why was the pizza shop constantly vandalised?

It was owned by Germans

You’re shown four kids, named Seven, Eight, Nine, and Eleven, and told that one of them is constantly bullied at school. Which one, and how do you know?

The answer is Nine, because they’re always the closest to the mean.

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

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My dick is constantly hard

Hard to find

I’m tired of people constantly being so condescending about everything

(That means to talk down to someone)

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Tired of me constantly pretending to be a detective, my wife has said that she wants us to split up...

I told her it was a good idea.

We can cover more ground that way...

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

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What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

My wife constantly complains that I don't listen to her

Or at least, I assume she does.

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

I'm constantly losing my jello

I mean I can't remember where I keep pudding it.

Ted had been on his phone constantly at every funeral he had been to.

It was quite disrespectful of him. So at this most recent one, I told him: “I think you’re addicted.”

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

A rotting clementine, but I like where your head’s at.

What do Superman and constantly watched employees have in common?

supervision

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.

Which pasta is constantly locked out?

Gnocchi!

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?

Half a dog.

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

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[At the therapist] Man: Doc, I think I have finally overcome my weird fear that I’m being constantly chased by alcohol bottles.

Doctor: That’s the spirit!

Man: Holy shit! Where?

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there’s no flow it’s just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can’t perform for too long

we truly have Electile Dysfunction

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

What do you call a person that constantly agrees with everyone?

Agreesive.

Karen was furious!

She will chew someone's had off.

Karen: This is outrageous. I need speak to whoever in charge of this flight.

Air Hostess: What seems to be the problem, mam?

Karen: Who designed the interior of ths plane? Surely some guy, because his work shows the lack of decency only a guy co...

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her…

Or something like that. I dunno I wasnt really listening.

Why is Winnie the Pooh the worst hacker?

He constantly falls for honeypots

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

Biden looked like a prisoner constantly having bad behavior.

'Cause he couldn't finish a sentence.

My boyfriend is kicking me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them.

Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

A small town is constantly suffering catastrophic flooding when the nearby river crests...

The mayor puts out a solicitation for someone to offer a solution to this problem. Three men respond: a civil engineer, a chemist and a literary critic. They arrive to the town, and the civil engineer and the chemist go to the city hall to present their approaches, but the critic checks into a nearb...

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When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

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A woman is constantly bragging about what a beautiful butt she has.

Every day, several times a day she brags to her husband, friends and family what a beautiful butt she has.
One day she decides to get B tattooed on each butt cheek so her husband is reminded what a beautiful butt his wife has.

Well after it's done she comes home, turns around, drops her p...

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

My friends are constantly asking me to stop signing Oasis songs.

I said maybe.

A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday

and every year the wife says no.

This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.

“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”

George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works i...

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My older sister was constantly pressuring me to have sex

She was incestent

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

Now that I'm wearing a face mask all day, half my face is constantly hot.

Not too bad being a 5/10

People are constantly calling me a swinger...

That can't be true because I am not allowed within 30 feet of a play ground.

I used to own two pairs of pants I played golf in constantly.

Sadly, I got a Hole In One.

My neighbor leave his sprinkler running constantly sometimes days at a time..

It's really irrigating.

A group of Americans were touring Ireland

One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your day...

Why did the people who moved constantly never get angry?

Because they were no-mads

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

I tried to make a living as a comedian, but I constantly bombed every sets.

So I joined Al Qaeda instead.

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Car accident

A man is called to the hospital, his wife and mother in law were in an accident. His wife held over for observation, and the doctor asks if his wife has any siblings.

He replies "no she an only child"

Dr Says "well than I am sorry to tell you you mother in law is very bad off. She has ...

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I hate it when my girlfriend constantly cheats

It’s the only way the stupid bitch can beat me at Mario Kart.

In a bus packed with passengers, a woman and a man stood glued together and the driver was constantly hitting the brakes!

Woman: You have something that's poking me.

Man: Oh sorry, that's my salary money in the pocket of my pants.

Woman: Your salary has increased a lot in the last five minutes.

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There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

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My wife is constantly trying to talk to me through the bathroom door while I'm using the toilet.

It always annoys the shit out of me so I can't complain too much.

What do you call it when you're constantly nervous that there is an antivaxxer out to steal your kids?

Karenoid.

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I had sex with this girl that would constantly remind me of her age

I guess it's a German thing

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

All my friends are constantly complaining that I’m too frugal.

I’m not buying it.

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"

As they stepped off the curb a speeding car ca...

I hate people who constantly yell at me for stupid reasons.

Like: "Billy, you're so stupid."

"Billy, why do you always mess up?"

"Billy, where's our son?"

Such stupid reasons...

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

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An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

What do you call numbers that constantly move?

Roamin’ Numerals!

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

I dislike people who constantly make Harry Potter references and I hate the use of malapropism for comedic effect but...

I’ll admit I’m a bit of a hippogryph sometimes.

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

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Joe was constantly suffering from headache since long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter constantly wear a burqa, is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife.

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What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?

A predditor.

I was constantly praised and flattered by a colony of ants....

It turns out that they were sycophants!

A man constantly annoys his wife by.....

...referring to her as "Mother of 5" in social situations. Whenever he introduces her or when they are leaving a party, as in "ok, "Mother of 5" time to go home"...one day she has had enough and when he called this out at the end of the church picnic she yelled back "Ok let me get my purse and we'll...

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