Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than from a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs!

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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

because they are more likely to be dead

Why are vaccinated kids more likely to have autism?

Because the ones that aren't are dead.

Historians believe circumcision likely ensured the survival of the Jewish people.

Its been found Jewish women can't say no to anything that's 10% off.

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

A group of adventurers on Mount Everest have banded together to clean up the stuff left behind by past expeditions. It will likely take them at least 3 years.

More if there are any vegetarians. Less if they develop a taste for freezer burned meat.

I was voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.

I hate being a teacher.

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You've likely heard the VISA slogan, "It's everywhere you want to be."

So I guess that means there are a lot of women walking around with credit cards up in their vaginas.

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on?

A pull out couch.

What's an anarchist's most likely cause of death?

Prostate cancer

If you commit sin 90 times you are most likely to be caught half of the time

Coz sin 90=cot 45

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year.

My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be rebellious?

11

Which fruit is most likely to have a big, traditional wedding?

Melons, those cantaloupe.

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

Q: With Britain likely to leave EU, how much space will be freed?

1 GB

It doesn’t make sense that you’re statistically more likely to die when you’re old

The older you are, the more experience you have not dying

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So in 2018: my love left me, my dream is likely unreachable now, my future plan is shit and I have $15 in my bank account...

My life fits this sub so well.

Studies show that the person most likely to kill you is yourself

Not if I kill him first!

Apparently, married women over sixty are "more likely to become furries".

I think it's an old wive's tale

Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.

monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed...

... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs

If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

A newly released scientific study has found that pregnant women who use vibrators, are 90% more likely to have a child...

...that stutters.

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

Why is the letter S likely to prove dangerous in an argument?

because it turns words into swords

Someone has most likely made this dad joke before but I'm still proud/ashamed to have come up with it myself.

Man 1: Did you hear about my neighbor who jumped off a cliff?
Man 2: Yeah, it's really unfortunate, he seemed like such a down to earth guy.

Which country's people are least likely to use cash?

The Czech Republic.

So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton.

That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever.

Not.

In a room full of potatoes, which one is the most likely to sleep with you?

The one that says 'Idaho'.

They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed suicide...

So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.

I told my boyfriend that people with lower IQs are more likely to believe in conspiracy theories...

He said “Thats what they want you to think!”

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

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Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?

White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.

What is a good measure of how likely a girl is to let you f**k her in the ass?

Rule of thumb

A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"

The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

There is a person who is seven times more likely to kill you than anybody else and that's you

Not if I kill him first

Black friday tomorrow and SW Battlefront 2 is most likely to appear.

Please, carefully avoid getting trampled by people moving as far as possible from stand displaying the game itself.

Where are you most likely to drown?

*Deepends*

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York.

What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

I was considering posting a joke that nobody had heard of, but I realized that it is actually pretty likely that...

...you already have reddit.

What Star Wars character is most likely to get cancer?

Leukemia Skywalker.

I asked my friend why he only smokes pot right outside of his front yard where he'd be more likely to be caught...

He said
"Because my dad said it's a gateway drug"

A new study came out today showing that kids who are NOT vaccinated are actually more likely to have autism.

Turns out autism is hereditary.

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an...

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Men are three times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.

We get the shit done right.

Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York city?

That's because you don't live in New York City

What website are the germans least likely to laugh at?

Neingag.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson...

Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack

mainly because their hearts are already broken

A coworker just asked me if I was voted most likely to take a joke literally by my high school yearbook committee...

That wasn't even a real superlative. I swear, this guy...

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we ca...

Scientists say you're more likely to die of what your grandparents died of rather than your parents

If anyone sees any German snipers let me know

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A dumb American is on a vacation to the Netherlands

When he came a cross a Dutch man in the bar who asked him if he knew what logic was. No said the American. So the Dutch man asked if he had a fish bowl. Yes said the American. So the Dutch man asked:
So if you have a fish bowl you probably also have a fish?

Yes said the American

So ...

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A new study finds that women who claim to enjoy giving blowjobs are less likely to be bitches.

In other news, University comes under attack after conducting terrible research. Chairman of the Nobel prize selection committee, James J. Jameyjames made this statement earlier today: "Well, fucking duh."

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

Most likely joke ever!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold ...

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If you see a condom, a tampon and a bra walking down the street..... which one is more likely to say hello?

ans: the bra. The other two are stuck up cunts.

Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!"

And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."

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Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

Based on Trump's History, if elected, he is likely to get divorced and remarried while in the White House

It will be "Marriage Apprentice" White House Edition

What type of pasta is most likely to cheat for a musical award?

Rigatoni

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more.

So men are better at it!

\- George Carlin

Never pick a fight with a redditor.

He is likely to riposte

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

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Three Doors in Hell (more than likely repost)

A man dies and is sent to Hell. When he arrives he is met by Satan and told that he will join the other sinners in eternal punishment. He is also told that he has some say in this and has a decision to make as of which of three punishments he recieves. These would be behind three doors, and he would...

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women

Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen

People are worrying about Huawei stealing personal info but it's the Western technologies (Apple, Blackberry, Raisin, Raspberry pi) that we should be concerned about.

They're much more likely to be inciders.

Fedoras most likely.

Two hats are on a hat rack in a hallway. One says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

What do you have in common with bread dough?

If you get baked you're more likely to loaf around.

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mis...

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

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Movie Quiz

Try this quick and easy test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It Really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 19 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

\- Pick a number from 1 to 9

\- Multiply by 3
...

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