They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers

Virgos are next

CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

I caught my daughter chewing on our neighbour's electrical cable...

Thankfully, they didn't press charges

But, I had to ground her and keep her at ohm

She's doing better currently

And conducting herself properly

But she's still on a short fuse, as there seems to be some confission as to what she did wrong.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

A giant globe fell on my son's face.

He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

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Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

A new global map (Mildly NSFW)

With the recent changes to Afganistan
plans are being drawn up to rename it
the currently suggested new name is:

Talibanistan

"You can be whoever you want to be!"

Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

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I'm currently having sex with twins and its great!!!

My friends were all amazed when I told then. They asked "how can you tell them apart?"

"That's easy" I tell them.

" Rebecca's left breast is slightly larger than her right one. And Randy has a huge cock. "

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I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.

Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

I'm currently doing whatever I can to give myself and my girlfriend the best chance of having our own house.

But so far her grandma hasn't eaten any of my "wonderful" muffins.

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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I'm currently testing a penis enlargement method I found on the internet where you put tight o-rings on your dick for some days.

I think it's starting to work, my penis already turned black.

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.

I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

A man named Jeff walks into a bar

He walks into the bar and then a bright light shone on him from above. He looked up and saw another man. The other man was elevated up in the sky sitting on a desk that was shaped like an '8'.

Jeff: Who are you?

The other man: I am the Narrator

Jeff: The narrator of what?
...

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She's going for the ribs.

I might try a duck.

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I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

I told my boss he better give me a raise because three other companies were currently after me. He didn’t believe me and asked which ones.

“Gas, electric, and water.”

TEACHER: you're currently failing english, are you reading for extra credit?

**ME:** I'm reading Animal Farm, the author is so good.

**TEACHER:** orwell?

**ME:** yeah... I meant the author is so well.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

/u/username hates the hotel room he’s currently staying in.

Username checks out.

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is currently no cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it is coming quickly.

I asked my friend in North Korea how things are going there currently

He said he couldn't complain

I'm currently suffering from laziness

So I'm gonna try and sleep it off for the next few days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walked in on my parents having sex last year

Currently 3 million views on xtube.

[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

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