UPJOKE
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Currently Jokes

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.
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I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.
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I’m currently writing this from the hospital.

But don’t worry! Doctors said I should be fine. However, I feel I should warn you that “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading name.
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They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...
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I'm currently reading a book about antigravity.

I can't seem to put it down.
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A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.
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My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.
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A political party promising free beer are currently third in the polls in Austria...

A tonic wine party was tried in Scotland, but people thought it was a con, with the organisers just trying to make a Buckfast
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I am currently renting a really crappy furnished apartment.

All the appliances suck.

Except the vacuum cleaner.

I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.

It’s an autobiography.
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My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.
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3 of the 5 members of Sum 41 are currently 41 years old

Leaving an opportunity for a more accurate band name: Mode 41.
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Kim Jong Un is currently..

The Shrodingers cat of dictators.
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I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase
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Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”
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"I am currently reading my autobiography," I told my friend.

"What page are you on?" he asked. I said, "All of them."
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so I am currently working on a new Cologne as a little side project! it's aimed specifically at introverts, and while I don't have a definitive smell, I got the name down.

"Leave Me The Fuh Cologne"
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I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

I'm currently dating a utilitarian.

She knows that I'd rather not, but she insists we date anyway.
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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
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I'm currently studying the Ancient Greeks.

I'm sitting in an elderly home at Athens.
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25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.
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I'm currently hiring teenagers with expertise in time travel.

20+ years of experience required.
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I'm currently suffering from laziness

So I'm gonna try and sleep it off for the next few days.
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I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.

I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

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Sat on the toilet at 11:59PM. It’s currently 12:01AM.

Same shit, different day.

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

The three girls named Ann I am currently seeing are

Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.

The Love Guru
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[NSFW] Russian cam models are currently being investigated.

They're accused of meddling in U.S. erections.
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Why are iron and lead currently losers?

They are meta-L’s
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A pianist is currently on trial.

He was accused of fingering A Minor.
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I asked my friend in North Korea how things are going there currently

He said he couldn't complain
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I'm currently moving house. Has anyone got some spare cardboard boxes?

My ex won't let me live with her.
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I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.
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If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.
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There is currently no cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it is coming quickly.

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!
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Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big
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I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.
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Currently I'm dating a anorexic chick.

but lately I've been seeing less and less of her.
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I'm not currently sexually active because i'm saving myself...

...Some Money

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TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo
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What is Beethoven currently doing?

Decomposing.
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I'm currently reading 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

Which freaked me out because I didn't think he knew anything about my life.
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NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.
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I'm currently a recovering alcoholic...

But I prefer the term "hungover."
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NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.
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Currently, the Olympic host country has...

One brazillian medals.
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/u/username hates the hotel room he’s currently staying in.

Username checks out.
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Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding

It's a good thing frogs can swim
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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.
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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
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I’m currently experimenting with open relationships with my SO

It’s open to anyone but me.
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I’m a scientists currently studying bestiality between humans and dogs.

You can find me in my lab.
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I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

I'm currently trying to remove all Cancers.

Then I'll move on to Virgos.
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My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
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I'm currently doing whatever I can to give myself and my girlfriend the best chance of having our own house.

But so far her grandma hasn't eaten any of my "wonderful" muffins.
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I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.
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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

I'm currently learning English (not my native language) and my teacher keeps wearing pentagrams, bathing in lamb's blood, and praising Lucifer

I'm not sure, but I think it's TEFL worship
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I'm currently dating a boxer, but I'm not sure if she's my type.

I think she needs to let her guard down.
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I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."
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(Late Joke) Islamic State: People who are currently in Cuba,

You are all in Fidel's.

.

Sorry.
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