UPJOKE
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Initially Jokes

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.

My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, its growing on me

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

Initially the US was way behind other countries in COVID-19 cases.

Little did those countries know, the US had a Trump card.

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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle......

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horr...

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Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

I wasn't going to get a brain transplant initially

but then I changed my mind

An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None

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Initially, I was excited about my mini butt plugs business.

But it's really fallen between the cracks.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

I’m beginning to realize that my dermatological issues run deeper than I initially thought

Until now I was just scratching the surface

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

Did you know Canada was initially spelled Cnd?

But when they pronounced it, the word came out "C-eh" "N-eh" "D-eh"

The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it.

But then I had a change of heart.

I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to

I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Superman initially flew with his right arm outstretched and his left hand at his hip. Later he started flying with both arms out.

He switched from manual to auto.

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

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A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

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Watching porn is like taking a shower

You're initially impatient as you wait for it to get hot, you experience 10 minutes of satisfaction and relief, and when you're done, you wish you could keep going.

Jefferson, a disgraced yet incredibly successful basketball coach, is asked to return to help lead his team to victory.

On his first day back, he organizes a meeting between himself and Anthony, the coach that took over when he initially left. When Anthony arrives to his office, Jefferson is already there, holding a large oak box.

"What's in the box?" Anthony asks.

Jefferson opens the box to reveal a sn...

A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien

For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.

This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.

Three western spies are captured in the USSR

Three western spies are captured in the USSR. An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy.


First they interrogate the English spy but he refuses to speak. So they tie him up, torture him for a day and in the end he speaks.


The same thing happened with the French spy. Initia...

A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

A newly arrived First Lieutenant stationed at a military camp in the midst of a vast desert...

When arrived, he noticed something peculiar. He observed that his fellow soldiers were diligently taking care of a camel. They were bathing it, feeding it the best food, and treating it as if it were a goddess. Intrigued, the First Lieutenant inquired with a Sergeant about what made this camel so sp...

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It’s a rainy Tuesday and a dwarf lady runs into a doctors office in tears.

She sobs and tells the doctor “I can’t stand it any more, every time it rains I get a terrible pain in my crotch! Can you help me?”

The doctor is rightly baffled by this, so he asks the lady to get on the table so he can examine her. Straight away he says “Ah I can see the issue, and I’m sure...

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt, m8

A man gets his test results back from his doctor

Doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news, as we initially feared I regret to tell you that it’s terminal.

Man: Oh no, how long do I have left to live?

Doctor: Five.

Man: Five what!? Five years? Five months!? Five weeks!?

Doctor: Four.

A Man Goes To The Emergency Room

He is severely hunched over and looks embarrassed.

After he is given his room, the nurse asks him what happened and he refuses to tell her.

Next a physician's assistant comes in and asks what happened. The man again refuses to say what happened.

Finally, the doctor comes in and...

What has 13 hearts but no organs?

A deck of cards.

"What is inflation?" asked the CA's wife

"Initially you were 36-24-36, and now you're 48-40-48. So technically, you have more than you had earlier, but your value is less than earlier. THIS IS INFLATION"

Economics is not so difficult if we have the right examples.

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

After several months, the guy approac...

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