UPJOKE
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Level Jokes

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

I went to the doctor this morning and he told me that my cholesterol level was way too high.

He then told me to stay away from fatty and unhealthy foods. Thus, with a heavy heart, I made a profound decision. I decided that I will never be going back to that doctor again.

My dad unlocked a whole new level of joke

He opens the camera app, and screenshot it instead of taking a picture

How do you get your Cadillac to the 2nd level of a mall?

You use the Escalader.

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My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

Multi-level Meta Joke

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell ...

The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.

Only the other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level...

And let me tell you
That was no easy feat.

Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's.

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My gynecologist told me my ph-level is too high

Would that make me a basic bitch?

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

-Because the other fish were crying.

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

The Boy Scouts just added a level after Eagle

Plaintiff

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer is dribbling out of both sides of his mouth.

Levels of stress.

1) You pick up a hitchhiker, A beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car. You take her to the hospital.

-Stressful

2) But hospital says she is pregnant and you are going to be a father. You swiftly say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are!!

-Ver...

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A joke on many levels

What's gripping from start to finish?

"The Rock Climber's Guide to Masturbation on the climb"

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

How can you tell if a stage is level?

There’s drool coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

What is the highest level truck driver?

A Roads Scholar

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What Power Level does Goku use in the bathroom?

he goes Pooper Saiyan

How do you measure different levels of pain?

In hertz

first grade level joke

why did the banana put on sun screen?

answer: so it wouldn't peel!

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

GenIus math level

I have an imaginary girlfriend. Does that mean I’m in a complex relationship.

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

The new Australian short-sleeved, marsupial shirts are REALLY good! In fact, you could say they have a high level of…..

Koala-t

The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.

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College Level Logic

Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, having a brew.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two le...

Corona crisis reaches new level:

Iran out of toilet paper.

Two siblings are arguing, then one puts his hand level with his head and says “I’ve had it up to hear with you.”

The second sibling steps back takes a breath and speaks. “You know what? Fine.” He leaves, and years later is set to go to the moon. Once there on the televised broadcast he tells his brother, with his palm facing the earth, “I’ve had it to here.”

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There was an earthquake, and the Christian Brothers Monastery was levelled.

All fifty brothers were transported to Heaven at the one time.

at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said "Let's go through the entry test as a group. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands shot up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go to Pur...

Some Cadillac dealerships have two levels. How do they get from one level to the other?

They take the Escalader

A Level Physics lmao

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields so much more handsome than the one studying electrical fields?




Electrical Fields are repulsive sometimes, but Gravitational Fields are always attractive.

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

I finally leveled up my coffee game.

All that grinding was worth it.

I thought the fixture was perfectly level,

but the wedge beneath proved to be a Sham!

Entry level job ad

Minimum 8 years of experience

Rude on many levels

I was a receptionist at a hotel, and the phone started ringing. I could see by the screen that it was the extension for the elevator's phone. I picked it up, and a voice I recognize as a particularly rude and troublesome guest, immediately starts yelling: "What the (beep) do I press to get out of th...

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

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If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position. His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?" "Not even a little," said the young man. "How about alcoholic beverages?" "Never touch 'em," he replied.

The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."

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For sale: Beginner's level sketchbook of male nudes

**May contain traces of nuts*

Rising sea levels have lowered the value of my home.

Now my mortgage is underwater.

My friend, Pandora, wants to "take our friendship to the next level"

I said I'm not really ready to open that box.

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

TIFU: My uniform fetish has been escalating to unhealthy levels. Today I set the apartment on fire just so I could call 911, and I didn't realize my girlfriend was still inside.

Don't worry. I came to her rescue.

I took NNN to the next level

I haven’t nutted all year!

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?

The ground floor.

You can't go around saying that the polar ice caps are causing sea levels to rise.

That's glacial profiling.

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

What is the highest level of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other.

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

Why are ocean levels so high?

sea weed.

Pollution levels have come down so drastically

That my wife is now seeing things from my point of view!

As a Final Fantasy fan, I always wondered why Big Bang Theory only ever referenced the Third Level Spell.

They never even mention Bazin and Bazinra.

I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...

He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.

So i got 2 ‘O’ levels in Biology and metalwork...

So if your Dog needs welding I’m your man...

My wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

A Levels

Despite my A Level results being A B B A, it still seems no employer will Take a Chance On Me.

What Makes A Man Attractive On A Scientific Level?

It's in his jeans.

People say the mean sea level is going down.

I agree, the sea is much calmer these days.

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How does one become a level 99 stripper?

A lot of grinding.

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

Teacher: "How would you describe your level of programming?"

Students: "Low"

Teacher: "Ok, fine, you can write programs in assembler then"

Take her down to 3000 feet below sea level...

...oops, wrong sub.

My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

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Checking your levels

A woman observes her husband as he enters the kitchen, opens the sugar box, looks inside and closes it. He does it again and again. So she asks him why?

He answers: "Because the doctor told me to check my sugar levels regularly."

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

Scientists have announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels.

So that pushes women down to third place.

"The Russians wouldn't lie about radiation levels, would they?"

"Sure, no bull."

Which region of New York has the lowest cholesterol levels?

Statin island

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Indian motorcycles hired an outside accountant to figure out their declining revenue. the board of directors required all C-level executives to attend the reporting. He found that the executives were overpaid limiting production.

In summary: too many Chiefs not enough Indians.

The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

The Ocean' Sea Level should actually be a lot higher.

Thank God for them sponges.

An archaeologist and his gorgeous new intern are in the lab checking the levels of carbon-14 in a skull they found.

The archaeologist's jealous wife walks in and demands to know what's going on. "Honey, it's nothing! We're just dating!"

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My gf complained that I’m always taking shit to the next level

So I promised to stop pooping in elevators

What do you call a journal, found in a shipwreck, detailing the hydration levels of lumbejacks?

A waterlogged logging water log.

The FBI are doing an experiment to test the level of people's patriotism ...

They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wif...

I maintain my car with the same level of diligence and care that I would maintain an aircraft.

Which is why they won't let me maintain aircraft.

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level..

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes th...

Girlfriend: At least with the quarantine, the air pollution levels are down

Me: Well I kinda like the air pollution, it adds to the atmosphere.

What do you call a band with high level of sugar?

The Diabeatels

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A guy goes to an interview for an entry level position..

HR Manager: "We've done a small background check on you. Your current boss tells us that you have no technical or business skills. You report late to office every day, spend 3 hrs on lunch/breaks, 2 hrs on checking mails and remaining time on useless meetings. Your colleagues also describe you as a ...

A C-Level, a middle manager and a worker talk at the Christmas party of their company.

They discuss what to do with the Christmas bonus.

"Well", said the C-Level, "I'm probably gonna do a trip around the world, expand my villa in Malibu and with the rest, well, maybe a new Ferrari"

Said the middle manager "Well, I'm gonna make a vacation in Malibu and get a pool for my h...

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

My friend just told me that he "took that s**t to the next level"

he s>!ha!<t himself in an elevator

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on...

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

Day three of quarantine. I can feel my fitness level depleting and my body fat increasing.

I have not been to the gym for three years.

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

What do you call an Hispanic that's reached their level cap?

A Maxican.

I know a guy who takes denial to the next level.

He doesn't believe in stairs.

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

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