UPJOKE
endeavoressaytryendeavourefforttesttrialseekattackstrugglemovechanceintentionintentshot

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...

...But alas, it was all in vein.

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink…

Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

Turning Red is a film that attempts to be more culturally sensitive of Chinese people...

You know, the people with the government who still can't handle seeing a black person on a movie poster.

I took my first attempt at stand up very seriously.

It was no laughing matter.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

Three women are trapped on a deserted island

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a deserted island, but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.

On the first day the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can't make it and...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...

Stranded on an island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.



Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,



“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we ...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

### A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.


Another two blondes drive past and see her struggling.


The driver says “look at that idiot! She gives smart blondes like us a bad name!” ...

The bus stop

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly em...

As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...

Two chemists walk into a bar

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O please.
Chemist 2: I’ll have some water also.

Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed.

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Today is NOT my cake day

But when it comes I will NOT attempt to farm karma with it.


April fools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

A man walks into a bar with two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The man asks the bartender "why there is meat hanging from the ceiling?" , and the bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you att...

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife was attempting to prank him.

A mans wife was attempting to prank him.

She decided that her twin should have sex with him as a prank, and so one day she hid under the bed and called her husband over with the lights off to the bedroom whilst her twin was on the bed.

The man had little light and never noticed a thin...

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Attempt to remember and retell an old Danish joke

In the middle of the night, a man wakes up in a prostitutes bed after a wonderful evening with her. Thinking back he still marvels at the beautiful artwork the woman's pubic hairs had been turned into. Then suddenly he notices that his wallet has been moved, and on inspection he finds that a 500 bil...

Wife: "When I was talking to you, I saw you yawn 5 times. Am I boring you?"

Me: "I wasn't yawning. They were unsuccessful attempts to speak. "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

Someone told me cake jokes are cheesy.

I'm pretty sure mine's batter.
(attempt at a cake day joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

In continuing attempts to reduce the worlds CO2 emissions, top scientists have found a way to make cars run on Parsley...

A spokesperson for the group has stated that they are now doubling their efforts to make trains run on Thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.

However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.

Southern

A University of Alabama student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where y’all go to school? " The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or sou...

A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

Deep trouble

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she ...

First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

I got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" too many times

They lock you out after 5 Loggins attempts.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.

Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...

The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.

Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

A man attempts to enter a pub but is stopped at the door.

The bouncer tells him he's not allowed in without a neck tie on tie night.

So the man goes back to his car in search of a tie and the closest thing he could find was a pair of jumper leads.

He decides to tie those around his neck and as he attempts to enter the pub again the bouncer sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition?

Capitol Punishment

I have many stories about my unfortunate attempts to bring horses to a halt.

They're my tales of whoa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an attempt to make up for poor sales, the Willy Wonka company is branching out and making a line if chastity belts

They're calling them "Everlasting Knob Stoppers".

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

Spelling

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first. "My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

Next came Tommy. "My d...

I have started referring to my household chores as “Workle”.

It usually takes me a minimum of 3 to 4 attempts to get things right.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What spaceship got a participation trophy for attempting the Kessel run?

The Millenial Falcon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Island life

A man got a nice new high performance boat for seafaring. On his maiden voyage, he decided to take his two most trusty companions, his dog and his goat.

While at sea, a massive storm hits, and man, dog, and goat end up stranded on a desert island. The man finds wood and builds shelter, fishes...

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

Here's my attempt to translate a joke

Two friends meet each other and one of them is holding a small tennis court with two dwarfs playing. The other asks: „Man, that's cool, where did you get it?“
„Well, there's this old man sitting on the rock, and he fulfills wishes.“ answers his friend and points the way. So the guy walks there an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arabic joke translation attempt

A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the shop guy, do you have cucumbers?

Store guy replies: yes I do

The man replies: put it in your ass

The next day, the man does the same thing, walks in, asks about cucumbers and tells the store guy to put it in his ass.

The follo...

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

My first attempt at a dad joke

You loose ya phone and ya wallet but Alicia keys still there

Did you hear about the guy who launched himself in a home-built rocket to attempt to prove the Earth is not a globe?

You could say he became a flat earther.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.