I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago....

...since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Did you hear about the guy who launched himself in a home-built rocket to attempt to prove the Earth is not a globe?

You could say he became a flat earther.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it.

Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”



“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized ...

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After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

One time, A lone woman walked into hailed for a cab. A cab had picked her up and they were on their way back. During the drive, the car had broken down. The cabbie had gotten out to attempt to fix the car. The woman then said, "Do you need a screwdriver?"

The cabbie then responded "Thanks for the offer, but i need to fix this first"

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

Whenever I tell people about my suicide attempts, they all say that I should get help.

Literally no one is ever actually willing to solder the wires or tie a proper noose for me though.

I started keeping a Glock with me since the attempted robbery years ago...

I've been more successful in taking people's belongings since!

My attempt at a Rodney Dangerfield-style joke:

I tell ya, I get no respect. Last night, my wife said she wanted to try a new restaurant. I asked her what was wrong with what we had at home.

She said everything at home was old and stale, and the food wasn’t great either.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.

Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

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Two men are attempting to escape a mental asylum...

their plan is simply to access the asylum's roof and hop from rooftop to rooftop until they reach freedom.

On the night of their escape they make it to the roof and realize the distance to the next building is farther than they had anticipated. Never the less the first guy makes the jump easi...

My wife asked me to provide her with encouragement as she attempts to lose weight next year.

I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"

The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."

The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

In 1940, the German Army was sieging a french city in a last ditch attempt

They had nothing Toulose.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.



They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.



The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceed...

I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times in a row.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

An old king was about to pass away

He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.

The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straws. Despite his best effort, he only ...

I recently attempted to contact the mods of r/anarchy...

But I couldn't find any!

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

A guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling...

A guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you can't reach, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks."
Later that ...

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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<...

A husband and wife were having problems...

A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their breakup.

The judge asked the husband,"What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this ma...

A man walks into a bookshop

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box

He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.

Moments later, a tall, slender man with pa...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop,

A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus d...

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

In an attempt to appeal to a wider audience, Hollywood remakes footloose for the Muslim and Jewish world

Its basically the same movie, just without Bacon

Tim and Edward decided to team up in an attempt to steal an expensive jewel.

It belonged to a woman in their neighborhood. Her house was fairly isolated so they decided they could proceed during the day. The woman seemed a bit careless and had no security system set up, so they easily got in and out of the house with the jewel.

Back to a safe place and out of view o...

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My attempt at an original joke: did you hear about the entrepreneur who opened a sperm bank?

He has a lot of spunk.

I have survived an attempted murder

It was all going so well until the police came

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

A Physicist, an Engineer and a Statistician go out hunting together...

The three of them are hunting for deer and manage to see one. The physicist attempts the shot by shooting directly at it.

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

7 years ago today I pleaded with my snowman not to attempt the river crossing but he wouldn't listen and is lost to me forever.

It's all water under the bridge now.

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

Cardio B's attempt to register "Okurrr" as a trademark has been denied by the U.S. Patent Office.

Luckily, she has a backup plan: "Mediocrrre".

If a group of crows is called a Murder, what are 2 or 3 crows together called?

An attempted murder

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Man walks into a bar on the roof of the Time Warner Center

After a few drinks he looks across at the second tower with awe, and notices a gentleman with black glasses doing the same. "Pretty cool, huh?" He says to him.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it...Did you know they specifically engineered these buildings to catch the wind and create an updraf...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

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A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

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Did you hear about the Leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?

He pulled it off!

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

I witnessed an attempted murder yesterday.

Luckily, only one crow showed up.

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

\*Poof\*



He disappeared without a tres!

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can’t take jokes!

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A man washes up shore a deserted island after a shipwreck

He finds himself stranded on the island, and the only other inhabitant is a monkey. Over time, the man's lonliness and horniness became unbearable, and he decided to catch and have sex with the monkey. The monkey, however, is just a little too fast and always managed to get away each time the man t...

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

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I challenged the President of the United States to a contest, to see who was better musically.

I challenged him on strings, and he strung me along. I tried percussion, and he beat me senseless. I even attempted to best him on woodwind, but he just blew me away. Ready to give up, I gave my best attempt on brass...

...and he just couldn't Trump it.

What do you call a bunch of crows organizing a gang?

Attempted murder.

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

I’ve never understood the stereotype that Asian people are good at math,

so I decided to test it out.

I went up to at least 100 different people in China and asked them a couple of math questions

The first was “What is 109 squared?”. Around 68% of them answered correctly, which I was shocked about.

Then I asked “If 2 lengths of a triangle are 37 and ...

What do you get when you attempt to mix human and goat DNA?

...Kicked out of the petting zoo.

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One day a scientist had a brilliant idea

He thought to himself, "People are so preoccupied with talking animals, why don't i make the first ever talking food!". This was a momentous idea that he just had, and he thought it best to experiment on his favourite food item: Matzo balls.

The scientist made a matzo ball, and after much tri...

Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out

The confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk r...

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

After some serious drinking and three attempts to walk home upright, some guy decides to crawl home instead...

The next morning his wife yells at him; "Come on, how much did you drink yesterday?!"

"Why, not that much, i guess?"

"The bar just called, you forgot your wheelchair"

Buying Flowers

A man went to the local market to buy flowers for his wife. Another man was already standing there looking at flowers and contemplating the prices and varieties.

The first man could tell the man already standing there was feeling uncomfortable standing in front of flowers. So the first man...

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

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