UPJOKE
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Attempt Jokes

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...
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Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me...
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A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...
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An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
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First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

I've been attempting a murder

But I can't get more than 1 crow
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My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...
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i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.
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I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.
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A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape, but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."
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First attempt

An angel saw a man standing at the gate of heaven. The man was asked how he died. He replied saying he was on the 8th floor of his flat and saw a man trying to enter the 6th floor through the balcony. So he took the fridge and threw it at him. Shortly after that he died. The angel let him through....
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He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.

Well?

He has no life-insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother.



Source: 1913 Newspaper
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What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.
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After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...
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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.
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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

What do you call a stoned poem that attempts to overthrow the government?

A high coup
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The inventor of Dulex weathershield exterior paint has perished while attempting to climb Everest …

Rescuers said he could have done with another coat
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A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"
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A man attempted to steal from a bookstore by hiding a book in his shirt.

One of the customers, and off-duty judge, saw him and ratted him out. Moral of the story: Don't cover a book by the judge.
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Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
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Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016
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In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...
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My son and I did a science experiment for the end of the school year. We attempted to weigh a rainbow.

It turns out, it was pretty light.
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How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
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A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...
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I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.
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Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)
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A man’s wife was attempting to prank him.

A mans wife was attempting to prank him.

She decided that her twin should have sex with him as a prank, and so one day she hid under the bed and called her husband over with the lights off to the bedroom whilst her twin was on the bed.

The man had little light and never noticed a thin...

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)
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I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...
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I took my first attempt at stand up very seriously.

It was no laughing matter.
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Arabic joke translation attempt

A guy walks into a grocery store and asks the shop guy, do you have cucumbers?

Store guy replies: yes I do

The man replies: put it in your ass

The next day, the man does the same thing, walks in, asks about cucumbers and tells the store guy to put it in his ass.

The follo...

What went wrong with Trump's Suicide Attempt

Fake Noose
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An old man was walking on a park adjoining the cliff famous for suicide and saw a young woman standing at the edge contemplating suicide

He approached her.

She: "Dont come near me!!"

Old man :" Since you are anyway going to die,why cant you make this old man happy with a quickie?"

She shrieked "Over my dead body,you filthy pervert"

Old man "Ok,if thats the case, I will walk down and wait for you at the bot...
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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.
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The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.

Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...
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Attempt to remember and retell an old Danish joke

In the middle of the night, a man wakes up in a prostitutes bed after a wonderful evening with her. Thinking back he still marvels at the beautiful artwork the woman's pubic hairs had been turned into. Then suddenly he notices that his wallet has been moved, and on inspection he finds that a 500 bil...

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...

.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you ...
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My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."
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Here's my attempt to translate a joke

Two friends meet each other and one of them is holding a small tennis court with two dwarfs playing. The other asks: „Man, that's cool, where did you get it?“
„Well, there's this old man sitting on the rock, and he fulfills wishes.“ answers his friend and points the way. So the guy walks there an...
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A man attempts to enter a pub but is stopped at the door.

The bouncer tells him he's not allowed in without a neck tie on tie night.

So the man goes back to his car in search of a tie and the closest thing he could find was a pair of jumper leads.

He decides to tie those around his neck and as he attempts to enter the pub again the bouncer sa...
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My first attempt to tralslate a Russian joke.

Russian is my second language, English is 3rd. I don’t pretend I speak English well, but never less – here is my attempt to translate a joke. I tried to keep same style.

BTW: Feel free to make it more English sounding.


2 friends that haven't seen each other for a long time meet i...

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".
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A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...
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A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

### A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.


Another two blondes drive past and see her struggling.


The driver says “look at that idiot! She gives smart blondes like us a bad name!” ...
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A cult attempted to indoctrinate a hair stylist...

But despite their efforts, they just couldn’t condition her.
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A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
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Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.
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A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.
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My first attempt at a dad joke

You loose ya phone and ya wallet but Alicia keys still there
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I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
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Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have H2O."

The second one says, "I'd also like water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
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My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

If you attempt to rob a bank

You will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next 10 years, regardless of your success.
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I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
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What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition?

Capitol Punishment
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Turning Red is a film that attempts to be more culturally sensitive of Chinese people...

You know, the people with the government who still can't handle seeing a black person on a movie poster.
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A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.
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My attempt to translate joke from my language.

Two men are sitting on the river bank, fishing.

Hedgehog walks out of the woods.

-Hey, guys! Do you have a duct tape?

-Nope...

Hedgehog goes away.

Two hours later hedgehog emerges again.

-Hey, guys! I got a duct tape for you!
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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...
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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.
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After another attempt at lovemaking was ruined by my premature ejaculation, the wife was sat on the edge of the bed in floods of tears..

"Please baby, don't cry like that." I said, taking her hands from her face.


"Why? Why the fuck not, Barry?" She howled. "It's every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Am I not allowed to be upset about it?"


"Well of course you are sweetheart, of course you are." I reassured her. "But ...

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.
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My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.
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Desperately, the doctor attempted to extract even a drop of his life-saving vaccine from his first patient's arm...

...But alas, it was all in vein.
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A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

Today is NOT my cake day

But when it comes I will NOT attempt to farm karma with it.


April fools.
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A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...
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Attempted to exercise this morning...

Didn't work out
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Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.
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A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...
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Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English

2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see...
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My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

After 10 years of attempting to lure wemon

I've become a master baiter
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Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.

Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
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Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.
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OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children.

In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote "Hey, they’re still alive, aren’t they?"

- An ol' chunk of coal
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Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose

Citizens: Dam!
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There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...
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Blonde attempts Suicide

One day she comes home and says "Today is the day I will hang myself." She leaves behind a suicide note for her husband on the table which read "I'm sorry honey, I cannot go on any longer." The husband comes home and sees the note and runs outside in a panic. He sees his wife hanging from a tree. "H...
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illegal immigration attempt

an extremely black african man is trying to get to europe, he makes a fake passport with leonardo dicaprio's name and photo, at the airport the Airport Agent checks the man's passport and he is confused, he looks at the man's face again and rechecks the passort, still confused he calls his coworker ...
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I have survived an attempted murder

It was all going so well until the police came
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I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin
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I attempted suicide today

Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself
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Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.
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What happened when the strawberry attempted to cross the road?

There was a traffic jam
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Three Englishmen spot a Welshman alone in a pub...

They say to each other "I'm bored, let's pick a fight with him."
The first Englishman walks up to him and says "St. David wore frilly pink knickers."
"Interesting, I didn't know that," said the unfazed Welshman.
Flustered by his failed attempt at angering the Welshman, the first Engli...

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"
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Henry would have recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house

There was a man named Henry who would having recurring nightmares that someone was attempting to break into his house. While the nightmare would always end with the burglar failing to enter, Henry still feared that this could be an omen. Every morning after checking for signs of a break in and findi...
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I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.
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I have many stories about my unfortunate attempts to bring horses to a halt.

They're my tales of whoa.
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A Spanish magician was about to attempt a vanishing act...

"On the count of 3, I will have vanished from the stage!"

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

\*Poof\*



He disappeared without a tres!
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If the Americans took 40 attempts to get WD-40 recipe right

Then the Chinese did very well for getting Covid in 19
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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

I saw an attempted Murder today.

Just 2 or 3 crows; not a full murder yet
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Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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What do you get when you attempt to mix human and goat DNA?

...Kicked out of the petting zoo.
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Did you hear about the attempted art robbery at the Tate?!

They ran out of fuel halfway through their getaway, and were found two streets away. When they were interrogated, they said:"We didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"
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BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."
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A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.
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An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.
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Since translated jokes are becoming a thing now, I will(attempt) to translate a Turkish joke...

One day Temel goes to the local caffe with his friends. While playing games and drinking tea a Japanese dude walks in and says "Does anyone in here got the balls to beat me ?". After this Temel gets up and says "I do", then they both head outside. 5 minutes later Temel comes back with a broken nose ...

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
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Attempted theft of my motorcycle

I've just pulled up on my driveway to see some thieving lowlife leg it and jump over my back fence. Think the piece of shit was after the bike!

My wife must have put up a good fight though because she's lost most of her clothes, is drenched in sweat and can hardly walk.

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