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Intended Jokes

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

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Old (no pun intended) but funny

One day at a home for the elderly, a man visiting his grandfather, goes to one of the public toilets.

As he is peeing, he notices an old man standing next to him at the urinal, peeing with two streams, instead of one.

The elderly man sees the confused look on the man's face...

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God !!!

OFFICER: Most likely yes

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

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What's the difference between model trains and titties?

Nothing, both are intended for children but it's the dads who are playing with them.

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Q. What do boobs and Legos have in common?

A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.

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Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

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A priest and a rabbi are spending a day off together at a lake..

Since they're alone, they decide to swim naked as god intended..

Just as they leave the water, two busses pull up, parking right in front of them. Members of the priest's parish pour out of the first bus, members of the rabbi's parish pour out of the other.

In shock, with nowhere to h...

If god hadn't intended us to eat animals...

...he wouldn't have made them out of food.

I intended to put all my money in to electric stairs...

but the costs kept escalating

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

Intended Grandchild!

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so lo...

What do you call a noodle bowl that was accidentally made much smaller than intended?

A pho cup

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

I only drink water the way jesus intended it to be drunk

Like wine

I went to a store with a lot of clothing intended for skinny people.

They had some XS.

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

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This test is intended for males to test their sensitivity:

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

- a) Lovemaking
- b) Screwing
- c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

- a) Your views about what you expect from a s...

Whenever people ask me if that pun I just made was intended...

I reply, "Nope unintended!"

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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What do toys and boobs have in common?

They were both intended for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

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What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway. (rim shot…no pun intended)

When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

Once Upon a time

Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I bo...

Jacob and the Lottery

Jacob is a well to do Jewish man with a beautiful wife and 3 children. He owns a start-up business that has been doing quite well recently.
However, his business suddenly goes bankrupt and Jacob goes to God for help.

Jacob kneels at the altar and says: "Lord I have always been faithful and...

A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater w...

I take my puns VERY seriously

(no fun intended)

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Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

A: They were originally intended for C*hildren*,

but it's M*en* who play with them the most.

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What do womens' breasts & toy trains have in common?

There're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.

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What’s the similarity between boobs and Raspberry Pi computers?

Both were intended for kids but it’s the adults that end up playing with them more

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What do train sets and breasts have in common?

They're intended for children, but it's usually the adults who end up playing with them

What does a baker says after cracking a wordplay joke?

Bun intended

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Masturbation is a touchy subject

Pun completely intended

Did Did Did Did Did Did Did Did Did Did

No pun intended.

An Australian is aboard the wrong airplane

The flight attendant approaches them and says “I’m so sorry. I’m not sure how this mix-up happened but this plane is arriving in an entirely different country than your intended destination.”

The Australian says “No way.”

The flight attendant replies “Sweden, actually.”

Reminder

Dear Mr Putin,

As a quick reminder, the Geneva convention is not intended as a checklist.

Sincerely yours,

Everyone else

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?'
He answered, 'No.'
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was 'Why?'
The applicant answered it anyway:
'Never got caught'

I had a joke about bad snipers

but I am afraid it won't hit the intended audience.

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Meeting St Peter

Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there.

He says to the women,

\- "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers

\-...

Is a hot dog a sandwich or a sub?

It’s just a hot dog. No bun intended.

Forgetful preacher...

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher lived in a small town.

Being quite young ministers, they rode their bicycles to the town’s only service station every Sunday morning to eat breakfast and discuss their sermons before riding off to preach to their respective congregations.

On...

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

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New Apple Product Announcement: The iBra

Apple announced a new product: a bra that can store and play music. The iBra. The product is being praised as a step toward better relations between men and women. It is intended to address the complaints of women about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

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