FINALLY A QUALITY PUN (Un intended)

FINALLY A QUALITY PUN

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God !!!

OFFICER: Most likely yes

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

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Masturbation is a touchy subject

Pun completely intended

No Pun Intended!

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win, but no in ten did!

What do you call a noodle bowl that was accidentally made much smaller than intended?

A pho cup

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

What did the well-intended but lazy pimp tweet out after a hurricane?

“I’m sending my thots and prayers.”

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

I intended to put all my money in to electric stairs...

but the costs kept escalating

I had a joke about bad snipers

but I am afraid it won't hit the intended audience.

Bill Gates dies and meets God at the Gates of Heaven (pun intended)

God says: “Hi Bill, now in your life, you’ve had an equal amount of good and bad things in your life, so I’m going to show you around Heaven and Hell and let you choose where you go.”
Bill says: “Ok” and follows God into Heaven.
Now Heaven is the stuff you’ve heard of, clouds, angels, animals ...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

I went to a store with a lot of clothing intended for skinny people.

They had some XS.

If god hadn't intended us to eat animals...

...he wouldn't have made them out of food.

Some well-intended people like to use a lot of hyphens in their writing, but not me.

I prefer just a dash

Being the king of an extremely rich nation can get to you sometimes...

Don't get me wrong, I love the pampering, the amazing food and the world class treatment I get wherever I happen to be. However, it does get a little too much when you constantly see people wait on you hand and foot. I get assistance in almost all the activities I perform. I am a grown adult for cry...

I only drink water the way jesus intended it to be drunk

Like wine

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Steve went to doctor and after an exam he picked his prescription

When he came home, he opens the box and sees that "pills" look a bit strange. Asks wife and she cannot figure them either. So he calls doctor.

\- "Hi doctor, I got prescription today but pills are strange and don't look like something I could swallow."

\- "That's because those are not ...

Whenever people ask me if that pun I just made was intended...

I reply, "Nope unintended!"

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This test is intended for males to test their sensitivity:

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

- a) Lovemaking
- b) Screwing
- c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

- a) Your views about what you expect from a s...

One day, a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more then he intended, he won the bid- the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the ...

Intended Grandchild!

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so lo...

Is a hot dog a sandwich or a sub?

It’s just a hot dog. No bun intended.

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A man at the zoo is watching the Gorillas

A big silverback is right up to the edge of the cage, and the man goes over to it.

He scratches his head and, to his surprise, the gorilla does the same. The man sees this and then scratches his armpit. Again the gorilla does the same. The man beats his chest, and again, the gorilla does ...

A frog walks into a bank...

So, one day a frog walked into a bank. He hopped on over to a teller and quickly eyed her name tag: Patricia Waak.

Frog: Good morning, Miss Waak. Such a lovely day outside, isn't it?

*teller just stares at him, because, well, he's a FROG.*

Teller: Uh, yes. Yes it is. How can I h...

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2 guys are on a flight from London to Tokyo...

It’s about half way through their flight and the 2 guys hear a bang from outside the plane.

The pilot: Sorry folks, one of our engines has gone out, we still have 3 engines left so all is good, we just have to fly a little slower now so the flight will be half an hour longer.

*10 minut...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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Moishe the Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Chinese, a Japanese and Moishe. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first ...

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Coming Home Early

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed....

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

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Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

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No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

I scrolled through 10 puns to see if they could make me laugh

No pun intended

Chemical Plant Fire

One dark night outside a small town a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of ou...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

A priest sits next to a well dressed woman on the plane.

Woman: Father could I ask a favor of you?

Priest: Certainly.

Woman: I bought a hairdryer for my mother but I am afraid that my purse is becoming too heavy and that airport security will confiscate it when we land. Could you hide it underneath your robes?

Priest: Very well, but I...

Pun walks into a room and shoots ten people

Pun intended.

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

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What do toys and boobs have in common?

They were both intended for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

Aladdin and his monkey, Abu, find a magic lamp.

The genie emerges and offers three wishes. Aladdin laments, “I’m just a poor lonely thief. My only friend is my monkey Abu here. I wish I could cover my eyes with my hands and when I uncover them, a new friend would appear.”

The genie says, “It is granted,” and Aladdin tries it out. He covers...

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Duct tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

A baker I know got rich by accident and now he’s rolling in dough.

No bun intended

Even if Netherlands might go underwater due to climate change

The people might still get high enough to go through this challenge.

\*pun very intended

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