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Intent Jokes

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

I'm tired of people misunderstanding my intent.

I'm going to start using /s on my posts to mark sincerity. /s

Of course it was not my intention to insult you!

Though it turned out to be a huge bonus.

Is good intention enough to be an organ donor?

No, it also takes guts.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

My dad always told me that if a bee is bothering you, stare at it intently instead of trying to swat it.

Because ….seeing is bee leaving.

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted “What the hell, man” as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

“No ...

Mistaken Intentions

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?".

Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."

He invites her ...

Despite their best intentions...

Owning a personal paper shredder says a lot about a person

Did you hear about the guy with a foot fetish who would intentionally lose?

He loved the smell of da feet!

I had intentions on exercising

It didn’t work out

What is the difference between intentionally and by mistake?

The presence of a witness.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Thats why I always intend bad things.

If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions

they should kill a lion.

Misquoted Intentions

Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch.

Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend.

White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said...

Black Guy: What!? That is...

About good intentions...

Hoping for life to treat you nicely because you're a good guy is like hoping for a fighting bull to not run you over because you're a vegan

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a word puzzle

Chances are, you'll hear some cross words

Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive,

Don't stand in her way.

Why is Donald Trump so intent on building a wall with Mexico?

To stop the workers at his construction site from running back!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him...

Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground” said the instructor.

After ponderi...

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand

The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."

How did the private eye use math to find the intent of the crime?

He solved for y!

Thought this one up myself and thought it was post worthy

Only one man has ever entered parliament with honest intentions...

... Guy Fawkes

Police: Sir, did you or did you not just intentionally make that woman fall down?

Man: Yes, I was trying to prove a point.

Police: what point?

Man: I don't need to leave the country to trip abroad.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

When he was arrested, the mafioso was intent on not ratting anyone out. But he had ebola, so...

...he spilled his guts to the cops.

My girlfriend was so intent on going shopping for a dress that she wouldn't even think about seeing a movie.

I swear, she's such a clothes-minded person sometimes.

Which transportation industry was accused of having wrong intentions?

Loco-motive industry

(first post: don't be mean please)

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

This guy visited my house with the intention of creating his own large scholarly book.

When he arrived I said, 'Make yourself a tome'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend's father I have only the most honorable intentions for his daughter.

I didn't tell him my penis is named Honorable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says:

"Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So he shoots her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first night of the newlyweds in their wedding suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting.

"Aren't you coming to bed, darling?" , she says sexily.

"Not in your life!", he replied. "My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I am not going to miss it for anything!"

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "t...

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

A mathematician and an engineer were placed in a room with a beautiful naked woman on the other side.

The proctor says over the intercom, “every time the bell rings you can move half the distance to the woman.”

The mathematician gets furious and leaves, saying to the engineer on the way out, “You fool! Don’t you understand you can never actually reach the woman?”

The engineer smirks, “...

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy? Tertible! His wife divorced him and left him without a single penny!

\- Well, I have it far worse. Not only is my wife ileaving me without a single penny, she also has absolutely no intention to divorce me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he's going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He's pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he's just too tired to continue, and just can't make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride ...

A husband and wife were visiting the zoo.

They were admiring the various animal exhibits and exotic plant life. When they arrived at the gorilla enclosure, the silverback immediately took interest in the woman. He began beating his chest and all sorts of grandstanding activities. If the woman moved to the left, the gorilla followed. If she ...

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

Kim Jung Un responds to why he doesn't let people leave North Korea.

Kim Jung Un has said "The intent is to provide people with a sense of pride and accomplishment for escaping North Korea"

What does the cake say at the government printing office retirement party?

This cake intentionally left blank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know where home is. (Smiles was my intention sorry to anyone I offended)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was time for the day of revelations. The Apocalypse.

The Lord said, "IS ALL IN PREPERATION?"

And his angels said, "Yes, oh, Alpha and Omega! Shall we break the seals?"

And the Lord said, "LET IT BE DONE."

Conquest, War, Famine and Death were then unleashed. As one, they asked in their terrible voices: "Shall we unleash the final ...

If you think of something you seriously wanted to do while inside of your camping shelter,

you're thinking in the tense in-tent intent tense

What do you call a murderer who goes camping?

Criminal intent

Confucius say...

Difference between camping and being homeless is intent.

A mondegreen courtesy of a four year old

I was listening to pop, folk and soft rock music from the 60s and 70s the other day, artists like Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, and the Doobie Brothers. My granddaughter came in the room, climbed up on the bed, and cuddled up next to me.

She was listening very intently to the lyrics of on...

Wife asks her man a serious question one day...

It was a beautiful morning, however wife had a serious question to ask her husband.

"Babe", she reckoned. "If I die tomorrow, how will you be affected by my death?"

Husband did not question the intent behind asking such a question, indeed he was smart.

"Babe, if I lose you, I'll...

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