This guy visited my house with the intention of creating his own large scholarly book.

When he arrived I said, 'Make yourself a tome'.

If ISIS would really like the world to take notice of their intentions

they should kill a lion.

Only one man has ever entered parliament with honest intentions...

... Guy Fawkes

President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court

"I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!" said an excited Obama.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Mistaken Intentions

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?".

Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."

He invites her ...

Misquoted Intentions

Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch.

Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend.

White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said...

Black Guy: What!? That is...

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A prince in a distant and very rich kingdom decided it was time to get married.

After announcing his intentions, three beautiful noble women showed up as candidates.

Not knowing which one he should marry, the prince had the idea of proposing a contest. He gave 1000 golden coins to each woman and told them: "You have 5 days to spend all of this coins, then come back to me...

Swiss Army Knifes

A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.

The next day, he called her ...

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "t...

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An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speak...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

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A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

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I was offered $5,000 to sell my account to an advertisement firm

It was a tempting offer, but in the end I had to decline. My morals are strong and intentions are good, just like the wonderful people at Nestle.

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

A dad’s three daughters are all going on their first dates.

Obviously he is a little worried, so he asks for the three guys to come to his house so that he can see that his daughters are in good hands.

The first guy comes along. He says, “Hey I’m Jake and I want to take your daughter out for steak.”

The father thinks that this guy has good inte...

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Psychology Definitions....

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
* The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
* A neurotic is a person who has di...

Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un were all fishing on a lake one beautiful summer day.

Putin got hungry so he got out of the boat and walked on water to the shore and bought some sandwiches and walked on water right back and got in the boat.

Trump was amazed at what he saw and for once he was speechless.

Later Kim Jong Un was thirsty so he got out of the boat and walked ...

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A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep...

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A sad story...

A radio reporter decides that he would like to introduce how people lived before to his younger audience, so he goes to a remote village and seeks out the older living person there. After explaining his intentions he starts with the interview.
- Sir, I would like to ask you to tell me a happy st...

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A boy named Flayer

In ancient times, back when modern woes and tragedies were instead replaced by orcs, goblins, and bandits, there was once a lonely shepherd boy, known by the locals as Flayer, a young adventurous lad, forced by his father to tend to his flock.

"Oh tending to sheep is such a bore! I should be...

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A Married Man Walks into a Brothel..... NSFW

A man gets dropped off by his wife at a brothel, and when he walks in he asks for the biggest black woman that madam has available.

The Madam proceeds to offer the man his pick of any young, gorgeous, and skinny women. But he insists on a large black woman.

The madam eventually sends ...

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?

Nun: I would lift up my dress

Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?

Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down

Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?

Nun: I wou...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

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A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling...

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the ...

The 5 stages of Election Day

The 5 stages of presidential election ending.
1) Denial(while results are being tallied) - this isn't happening. No this can't be.

2) Anger (after the results are in) - the words described are not repeatable and may not be suitable for young children.

3) Bargaining (a few hours a...

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A man, Tony, breaks up with his girlfriend...

...and decides the best way to get over her is to go to the bar and pick up a new chick for the night. He buys drinks for all the ladies and none of them show interest. At the end of the night the bartender makes the last call and Tony, disappointed, makes his way out the back to head home. As the d...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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A life-serving prisoners...

...(for the sake of the story, let name him Scofield) manage to escape from prison after 15 years underwent the punishment. He managed to break in into a young couple's house not far from the penitentiary.

At first, Scofield intend to steal some money but his intention changed after he saw t...

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

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I was alone

on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me. I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.



She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I co...

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So a man is a little drunk at the bar

And he has decided that he's feeling a little randy, and there is a prostitute at the same bar that he wants to approach. So he asks his buddy for 20$, then goes and approaches the girl. He asks her how much to get laid, and she says "100$". He frowns, knowing that he doesn't have that much and i...

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The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

The simple rules of dating

A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants....

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>30 pounds.

This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?

----

EDIT: Thanks for the response...

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Once upon a time there was a princess.

This princess could never get her father, the king, to approve of any man she brought home. She brought home a baker, a farmer, a lord, even a few knights, but no matter their social standing, wealth, or intelligence, her father would not approve. Exasperated with trying and failing to find a prince...

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Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die...

Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn't have before - to move to Israel where he can end his days.

Over a sm...

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Little red riding hood

Little red riding hood is walking in the forest when she hears a rustling in the bushes. She turns, and says “who’s there, oh who’s there?” Suddenly, the big bad wolf jumps up and runs off…

Later, little red is walking deeper in the woods and she hears a rustling in the bushes, so she turns a...

Johnny and Nancy

Johnny had a tree house that was really high up. He decides that it's the perfect place to kiss a girl so he invites his favorite female friend Nancy.

She agrees to go up to the tree house with him.

Once they meet up at the tree house, johnny gets excited; she is wearing a skirt too!<...

There was once a man who had a curse put on him by a witch....

There was once a man who had a curse put on him by a witch because he insulted her. With this curse he could only communicate by saying one word per year, or, if he didn't speak for several years he could build up a sentence.


Several years after being cursed, he meets the most beautiful w...

Most bizarre suicide.

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, ...

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Opporknockity, and a short collection of other terrible music jokes

Mr. Opporknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He got a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hour...

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One of the jokes I remember a friend telling me when I was a kid.

So there's this guy who can never say anything right.

He goes to the pet store with the intention of buying a Cocker Spaniel, but when he walks up to the store clerk, he says "Do you have a cock for sale?"

The woman says, "I'm sure you mean a Cocker Spaniel sir." And she hands him a ...

Strings

Three pieces of strings are standing outside a bar with the intention of having a drink. The first one walks in and the bartender asks, "are you a piece of string?". He answers, "yes". The bartender yells, "get outta my bar". The second goes in and the same thing happens. The third then says to the ...

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the squirrel

Two hunters were walking in the forest, with the intention of killing some squirrels. When they see one, one of the hunters shoot at it, and misses by mere centimeters. The squirrel is so scared that it faints. At the same time that the two men approach it, they hear two forest guards coming their w...