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A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

For goodness sake you've had your nose in that book all day long, why?

I lost my bookmark

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I have a question. Is it for fuck's sake, or for fuck sake?

Like, should I put an apostrophe to show possessive? I guess the question would be, is it for the sake of all fucks, or just this fuck in particular?

Idk, so let me know because I'm at work trying to send an email, and I wanted to sound professional.

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Quick Question Guys. Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"?

It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

Practicing

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he ...

Awkward phone call:

"You put it down!"

"No, *you* put it down!"

"No, really, you put it down!"

"I can't, you put it down!"

"No, you put it down!"

"You put it down."

"No, you!"

"No, you put it down."

"For goodness sake, it's an old dog and you're a trained vet!"

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

Cow is climbing up the tree..

Crow asks her -" Cow for f sake! Why are climbing on that tree?"

Cow - I want to eat some apples.

Crow - What? That's a pine!! It doesn't grow apples!

Cow - It's ok i took some apples with me.

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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Fred came home.....

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly gates, where st Peter said, "you died in your sleep, Fred".

Fred was stunned. "I'm dead?? No, that can't be! I've got too much to live for. You have to send me back!"...

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"Your happiest memory.."

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village. The reporter asks him: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life...

"Well, th...

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The talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"
...

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.
...

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Last night I was bored so I entered a drinking competition in a japanese restaurant

It was only for the sake of it

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

An old wife talks to her life-long husband. She tells him “do you remember when we were a young couple? We used to be a hot couple, you used to tell me things that would make me want you. Talk to me dirty. For old time’s sake. Tell me something dirty again!

He replies : the kitchen

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

Two Irish friends leave the pub.

One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goe...

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

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Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas....

were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child wa...

People who cook breakfast in a t-shirt are dumbasses.

Use a pan,for God's sake.

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

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What's the difference between Japanese sake bars and doctors in Oregon?

One of them serves adults in Asia...

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

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A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

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3 guys have a sleep over

3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl wa...

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

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A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

Duck Food

A guy walks into the pharmacy and approaches the pharmacist.

"Do you have any duck food?"

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell duck food."

The man leaves and returns the next day. Again, he asks:

"Do you have any duck food?"

"Uh, no, like I said yesterday, we don't carr...

I came home to the sight of my best friend on my bed with my wife.

It really made me appreciate our friendship so much more that he went through all that trouble of digging her out of the grave, just for the sake of a threesome.

It's remarkable that he was able to do that despite being a dog.

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

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I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.

Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:

"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!

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To commemorate the occasion with a Japanese wine I decided to go down to the cellar

for old time's sake

American wife: Look, i haven't wore this in ten years and it still fits!

Husband: For God's sake. It's a scarf...

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Jesus turns up at a stoning.

And asks what the person is getting stoned for. “Adultery” is the response from the crowd. Jesus replied “let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
A voice from the crowd replied “for fucks sake Jesus, you always want to go first!”

An alien landed on my farm and asked me to take them to your leader.

Can we wait a month? I asked for the sake of humanity.

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A priest kept chickens at his village.

One evening, the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, "Who has a cock?"... all the men stand up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?"... all the women get up.

"No no no! Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?"... Half the women stay standing.<...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night.

An intelligent drunken Aussie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Kiwi clock...seriously?!...

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I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

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It's 2am. This guy is walking back his date to her apartment building...

They're standing in front of the building entrance

"C'mon Mary, you know I like you. Just give me a little kiss on my dick before you go? Just a quick bj, that's all..."

*"I'm not like that, Jonh. I don't think I should"*

"Mary, you know I like you a lot. We had a great date. Wh...

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

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Paddy buys a bath...

... But comes back the next day to complain that the water runs out. The salesman asks "did you put the plug in?"

Paddy says "Fer fuck sake you never said it was electric"

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

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A guy calls in sick to work on a Tuesday morning...

His boss becomes irate:

“Joe, for God’s sake! This is the 8th Tuesday in a row you’ve called in telling me you’re sick! What’s going on?!?”

“Well, remember I told you my brother-in-law left my sister a couple of months ago?”

“Of course I do. But what does that have to do with...

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

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Joke translated from arabic

Three men were at a woman's house while her husband is at work. But he decided to come home early. Hearing the sound of the car, the woman told them to hide. With not enough time, they hid under garbage bags. The man walks in and asks his wife "What are those bags?"

The woman says:"my father ...

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

Series of jokes translated from Armenian

Some context: Abaran is a city in Armenia, and there's this stereotype about the "Abarantsi" (person from Abaran) who is supposed to be stupid and there's a bunch of jokes about it, kind of like blonde jokes (this is all for the sake of the joke, however, and we love and respect the people of Abaran...

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Getting oral sex from an ugly person is like bungee jumping.

You know it’s gonna be fun but for fuck sakes don’t look down!

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What a better way to start off a flight

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude the captain announced:
“ ladies and gentlemen this is your captain. Welcome to flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, rela...

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Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians...

Two guys are captured by a group of barbarians, and the barbarian leader says: "We will offer you two options: first option: you die. Second option: our strongest warrior will flick your dick 100 times."

Without hesitation, one of the captured says: "I'll get the dick flicking option, I don't...

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NSFW Two elderly ladies are rocking on the porch of the old folks home.

With a reminiscent look on her face, one of the old ladies says to the other,

"Oh Martha I was just thinking:
Do you remember the minuet?

"Oh for goodness sakes Henrietta. I can even remember the men I fucked!"

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A farmer went out to check on his chickens and saw that the cock was missing.

Well he also happen to be the pastor of the town and the following Sunday before they started the sermon he asked
"Who has a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock?" All the women got up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" Half the women stood up.
"...

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

Old lady walks into a pharmacy while shaking vigorously and breathing heavily.

Old lady: Excuse me?

Pharmacist: yes? How can i help you?

Old lady: Do you have a XXL Super Large vibrator with alkaline batteries?

Pharmacist: yes, we do.

Old lady: For gods sake, tell me how to turn it of!

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

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Grandma joke

3 teenagers are walking in their neighbourhood, when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts:“Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”
<...

I was invited to a dinner the other night.

The host warned me ahead of time, "Just so you know, we only serve vegetarian dishes. I hope you're alright with that."

I told him, "Of course! I have no problem with vegetarian dishes. In fact, I prefer them. But for the sake of conscience I do prefer it if the vegetarians were free rang...

An elderly, forgetful couple . . .

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ...

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

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A Catholic priest visits Japan

One day, he goes to a bar, and the bartender (who speaks English quite well) asks

'Hold on, you're a priest. Why are you here?'

The priest answers 'I have been asked by the Lord himself to give him your finest rice wine'

The bartender is a little confused, but nonetheless, gives...

A man dies and goes to Heaven.

He is stopped in his tracks at the pearly gates by St Peter.

"My child, you are not yet permitted to enter Heaven," St Peter says.

"May I know why not?" the man asks.

"Well, you see, our database has not been updated yet and the current indication here is that you have not done ...

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

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Reincarnation - My favorite joke of all time.

Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he's been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he's woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of t...

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Rosy and Sunday school

Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class!

One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question:

“Who created the universe as we know it to be?”

At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sittin...

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A group of mates leave a bar to go back to one of their houses for a few more drinks

When they get there one of them asks the host, "what's that massive brass gong on the table there?"

The host replies "it's my talking clock"

The mate says, "how does that work?"

The host grabs a claw hammer and smacks it and a voice from next door says, "for fuck sake its tw...

My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

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A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

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A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

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I like drinking in Japan.

For its own sake.

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

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Three samurais compete with each other

Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" - he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half.

The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces.
<...

I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years

I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me

My father is very religiuos.

He tells me to do everything for Christ's sake.

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An Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys

So an Englishman's got a vanload of monkeys; he's taking them to the zoo. About half way there his van breaks down, so he pulls over. Anyway, he looks in his rear-view mirror and he sees Paddy comming up behind him with an empty van, so he pulls him over. The Englishman says "Paddy, if I give you 50...

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Elderly couple

An elderly couple were at home watching TV. 
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

A priest has a weiner dog which he loves.

One day when he woke up to feed him, the priest didn't find him. So he asked the local residents to come so he can ask about his dog.
He asked them:

"Does anybody have a weiner?"

So all the men stood up,

"No no that's not what I meant, has anyone seen a weiner?"

So all...

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My 8 year old son asked me for a bookmark

I said “listen you little shit, were not going through this again just for the sake of imaginary karma on a goddamn website”

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.

The man began sobbing and said:

"You can take anything you want...

I hate when baby’s kiss eachother

...It’s like, get a womb for god sake

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Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

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