This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day you will ask me what's my first priority ― you or shit jokes?

I will say "You" and you will stay, not knowing that shit jokes are number 2.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

What’s a horse’s top priority when voting?

A stable economy.

My girlfriend used to be my first priority

But she dumped me for my sister.


I can never seem to keep my priorities straight.

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

We decided to call our dog ‘low priority bugs’

That way people will understand why we don’t plan to get him fixed.

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Pamela Anderson goes to see her plastic surgeon

And asks him if he can be discrete about a surgery.

Of course, he replies, you've been a great client and your privacy is top priority.

She continues, it's just that this next alteration is a bit embarrassing, you see, as I'm aging, things seam to droop and get loose etc, and, well, my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if someone has priority boarding on a budget airline?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best Friends (NSFW-language)

My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when prior...

A man once got locked inside a mailbox. Everyone rushed for his rescue,

Because he was a priority male.

The King asked one of his advisors to find the biggest five idiots in the kingdom and bring them to him within a month.

King Bob asked his advisor Simon to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Simon brought to the court only two people!

"But I asked for five," King Bob shouted angrily.

"Give me a chance to...

the fourth!

Remember - the liquor stores are closed tomorrow so buy your fifth for the fourth on the third right this second as your first priority!

A soldier walks into a barber shop

and, seeing that both the barbers are busy but there is no-one else waiting, takes a seat. Just as one of the barbers finishes with his customer, in walks an officer. The officer quickly appraises the situation and sits straight down in the one vacant barbers' chair. "An officer on a weekend pass to...

[Request]Lance Armstrong Jokes

So I know it's strange, but apparently I've been asked to find some, so I'm turning to the internet's first authority on jokes. Other non-PC jokes are also welcome, but Lance Armstrong jokes are my top priority, if you would all be so kind. Thank you in advance :)

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