I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

When the target range was asked when they would be fully open again

They said they were shooting for the fall

The Ohio million dollar vaccine lottery is just targeting people who are bad at math.

But then again, only people who are bad at math wouldn't get the vaccine.

Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Cos there is a target on every corner

did you know that at shopping centres for hitmen there arent any kmarts or walmarts?

thats because there are only targets.

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs!

That's the last thing I need!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

What's the best part of being a hitman salesman?

Their target audience never complains.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq?

They're all targets!

Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I’d like a pistol. Maybe a Glock?”
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

The Two Drunkards

Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree, they start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a life time missing the target, one says to the other, ''Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take...

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

What do you call a coronavirus that targets crows and ravens?

Corvid-19

I tried to go to Target once.

I missed.

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

Archery

When asked what they are aiming for,

A newbie will say precision,

A pro will say grouping,

And dads will say "the target."

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

A father and his daughter work together at target

One day, the father asked, "Do you want to bag items or work at the register?"
She responded, "I'll bag daddy,” and was taken out by U.S. special forces.

A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, sai...

What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

The crowd was tense with excitement as the final three Samurai faced off;

After a long day of competing it was the final round of competition to find who was indeed the master swordsman.

In a final challenge the three men had to show their prowess and concentration by slicing the finest of targets, a mere fly.

The first Samurai steps up to the stage a fly is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

I decided to do some target practice. But instead of my target sheets, I accidentally used my business planner!

Now my whole week is shot.

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

A fool wearing an eye patch enters an archery contest

The contestants are told to hit the target in the distance. The guy wearing the eye patch picks up his bow, pulls back an arrow, and releases it. The arrow completely misses the target, goes in a totally different direction, and buries itself in the hat of one of the judges. The judge jumps up, shoc...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

What’s the difference between target practice and having cow computer problems?

You shoot with a bullet and troubleshoot with Bull IT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two little girls play in a park with their dolls.

Two little girls play in a park with their dolls. One of the two little girls says to her friend: "Where did you buy your doll?"
The friend replies: "At Walmart, mom got it for 200 dollars; and you?"
The first responds: "Mum got it for 300 dollars at Target".
They then see a lady pass by wi...

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

What do Stormtroopers call target practice?

Shooting the breeze

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I tell that the targeted advertising is working

Usually I can tell when they start putting up those dick enlargement pill adds.

There's a new terrorist group targeting gorillas

It's called Boko Harambe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am a Hitman

I was going after a female target. When she and I were together and I was planning to assassinate her when my knees went weak and butterflies were in my stomach. Then I realized that I poisoned the wrong glass.

What do Catholic Priests and Target have in common?

They often have little boy's pants half off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex toy companies should target their advertisements at virgins.

It's an untapped market.

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because there are to many targets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

Why do guys go to bars to meet women?

Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job gu...

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

Hunters should always know what's behind their target

Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a serial rapist started targeting nuns, one company started marketing armored robes with the tagline:

"It's a hard habit to break."

[Discussion] Regional targets

I am wondering who are the preferred targets of jokes from where you are from, I have done a little research and have come up with the following so far:

| Region | Target |
|:--|:--|
| Canada | Newfies |
| England | Irishmen |
| America | Polacks |
| France | Belgians |
| Br...

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

I shouldn't have agreed to be a cowboy's target dummy for lasso throwing practice.

How did I get roped into this?

‘North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US’

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

I tried to walk into Target

But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A President walks into a classroom.

In the classroom, they are discussing some words and what they mean.

The teacher asks the president to help them discuss the word "tragedy".

The president then chimes into their discussion, saying, "Alright class. Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A girl raises her hand and a...

A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad

Florida man fires gun at a retail store.

It was target.

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Scientists recently developed a weapon that directly targets the Higgs Boson

It's classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."

"Were we at least close?"

"Not even remotely."

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face


Btw I'm not trying to target homos

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.