Target Jokes - 78 Hilarious Target Jokes

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, sai...

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Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

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I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

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A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

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The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

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Q: Why do thieves never target politicians' homes?

A: Professional courtesy.

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Elderly folks looking for love should considering targeting archeologists.

They tend to date really old things.

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I know Dorian Gray is a common target for jokes...

...but let's be honest - jokes about him NEVER get old!

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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

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"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

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How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

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I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

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I tried to go to Target once.

I missed.

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did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

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Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

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Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

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When the target range was asked when they would be fully open again

They said they were shooting for the fall

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Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do japanese miss the target while they are having sex?

Because they censor the holes.

What's the stormtrooper's favorite store?

The one next to Target.

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This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

(Sorry)

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

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A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

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I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

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Which beer cans do cops shoot at for target practice?

Black and tan.

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Back in my day we had to fly those bombs to the target. They didn't ride on these fancy rockets.

Ok bomber.

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A father and his daughter work together at target

One day, the father asked, "Do you want to bag items or work at the register?"
She responded, "I'll bag daddy,” and was taken out by U.S. special forces.

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Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A robot priest, an assassin, and his target walk into a bar

The assassin goes in for the kill, but the robot notices he has a knife, however, there's not much he can do - He's a rusty robot already, so he prays.

The assassin, now really close to the target, tries to stab the target. Suddenly, an angelic hand appears and stops him at the last moment. T...

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

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What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

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What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

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A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

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I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs!

That's the last thing I need!

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Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

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The Ohio million dollar vaccine lottery is just targeting people who are bad at math.

But then again, only people who are bad at math wouldn't get the vaccine.

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A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

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[Discussion] Regional targets

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The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

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What do Catholic Priests and Target have in common?

They often have little boy's pants half off.

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What do you call a coronavirus that targets crows and ravens?

Corvid-19

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There's a new terrorist group targeting gorillas

It's called Boko Harambe

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I tried to walk into Target

But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex toy companies should target their advertisements at virgins.

It's an untapped market.

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

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Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there's a Target at every corner.

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Hunters should always know what's behind their target

Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

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A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job gu...

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How I tell that the targeted advertising is working

Usually I can tell when they start putting up those dick enlargement pill adds.

"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."

"Were we at least close?"

"Not even remotely."

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The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

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TIFU by mis-targeting my torpedo

Whoops, wrong sub.

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

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‘North Korea plans nuclear attack targeting US’

At first I was alarmed at reading this, then I realised they meant United States.

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I shouldn't have agreed to be a cowboy's target dummy for lasso throwing practice.

How did I get roped into this?

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In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

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Did anyone see Apple's new device targeted for women consumers?

Its called the MaxiPad

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News: the creators of reddit are creating a dating app targeted to people who give up easily

It's called "fuckit"

What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

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Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today...

Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager.

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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

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A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.

● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.

● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.

● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.

● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

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A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

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The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

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In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

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Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

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When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

The fastest dad alive

Three kids were on a school playground bragging about their fathers.

The first kid said, “ My dad is the fastest man alive. He can shoot an arrow at a target and run and catch it before it hits the target!”

The second kid said, “That’s nothing! My dad can shoot a gun and catch the bul...

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A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

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