The 91+ Best Target Jokes

Why are there no Wal-Marts in Ukraine?

Because they're all Targets.

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

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Little known fact...

The first time whale semen was studied by a marine biologist was actually at the request of one particular sperm cell. The following conversation took place.

Sperm: I just want to be taken seriously. I think that reproductive cells are an easy target for crude humor made by the mindless immat...

I remember the last time I had some target practice.

I took one shoot and then one of the store employees asked me to leave.

The fastest dad alive

Three kids were on a school playground bragging about their fathers.

The first kid said, “ My dad is the fastest man alive. He can shoot an arrow at a target and run and catch it before it hits the target!”

The second kid said, “That’s nothing! My dad can shoot a gun and catch the bul...

I know Dorian Gray is a common target for jokes...

...but let's be honest - jokes about him NEVER get old!

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

(Sorry)

John was attending his buddy’s wedding and everything was normal…

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced ...

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany…

When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

Men need to start going to target to meet women

The women to men ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

What’s a stormtrooper’s favourite store?

The one right next to the Target

Back in my day we had to fly those bombs to the target. They didn't ride on these fancy rockets.

Ok bomber.

Which beer cans do cops shoot at for target practice?

Black and tan.

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Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

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There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

Two generals

During WWII, the German and Italian General were standing on a cliff in Northern France, watching as the Allied Troop carrier ships were approaching the coast.

The German General yelled,

\- “Capitan, bring me my red coat.”

The surprised Italian General said,

\- “But a w...

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

I've been receiving a lot of targeted ads about male enhancement lately....

Never have I been more offended and grateful in my life.

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

When the target range was asked when they would be fully open again

They said they were shooting for the fall

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

Did you hear about the knife thrower who started using volunteers as a part of his show?

Yea they're a part of his target audience

I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs!

That's the last thing I need!

A duke was hunting in the forest

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest fo...

A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, sai...

The Ohio million dollar vaccine lottery is just targeting people who are bad at math.

But then again, only people who are bad at math wouldn't get the vaccine.

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Why do japanese miss the target while they are having sex?

Because they censor the holes.

Why do people hate jokes about the world trade center?

Because its an easy target

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit. Genius hits a target no one else can see.”

So not trying to brag, but my baby has learned to count to "soup".

I tried to go to Target once.

I missed.

What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfecti...

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

Two IT techs are at the local gun range.

After about 10 minutes of practice, one of the techs isn't able to hit the target. The other looks at him and says "What is your problem?"

The embarrassed IT tech puts his head down and says, "Troubleshooting."

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

Speedy

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate! "
One of the other bo...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I’d like a pistol. Maybe a Glock?”
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

A father and his daughter work together at target

One day, the father asked, "Do you want to bag items or work at the register?"
She responded, "I'll bag daddy,” and was taken out by U.S. special forces.

Why should you be nice to cats and dogs?

So you are not the target of pet-y revenge.

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

An RAF pilot was telling stories about WW2 at a school

"One day, I and my wingman were escorting some bombers to their target. A swarm of fokkers came out of nowhere and started shooting at us. I managed to shoot one of the fokkers down, but another fokker was right on my tail. My wingman shot down that fokker..."

The students started giggling he...

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

What do you call a coronavirus that targets crows and ravens?

Corvid-19

What do Stormtroopers call target practice?

Shooting the breeze

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

There's a new terrorist group targeting gorillas

It's called Boko Harambe

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Father shark teaches the son shark how to eat human

"Look boy, when you target a swimming human go close with your fin out of the water. Take a few laps around the target then you can eat. Does it make sense?"

"Yes, father. Thank you." the son replayed.

"Now go find your lunch" said the father.

The guy went in one direction and c...

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News: the creators of reddit are creating a dating app targeted to people who give up easily

It's called "fuckit"

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Sex toy companies should target their advertisements at virgins.

It's an untapped market.

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

What do Catholic Priests and Target have in common?

They often have little boy's pants half off.

What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job gu...

If you men want a shot at something in life,

Paint a target on the back of a urinal.

Hunters should always know what's behind their target

Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

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How I tell that the targeted advertising is working

Usually I can tell when they start putting up those dick enlargement pill adds.

A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

I shouldn't have agreed to be a cowboy's target dummy for lasso throwing practice.

How did I get roped into this?

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Being in the military, my kids are used to moving around a lot.

Because I use them for target practice.

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

A statistics major drops out of college and joins the army

During marksmanship training his first shot flys a meter above the target, his spotter tells him “miss. one meter high, aim lower”

His second shot lands really low below the target. His spotter says to him “Miss. One meter low”

“Oh so I hit it?” Says the statistician.

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."

"Were we at least close?"

"Not even remotely."

[Discussion] Regional targets

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today...

Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager.

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