The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

I decided to do some target practice. But instead of my target sheets, I accidentally used my business planner!

Now my whole week is shot.

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because they're all Targets.

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

What do Catholic Priests and Target have in common?

They often have little boy's pants half off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I'm tasked with assassinating an Indian target, I fail.

Some bastard with a laser sight always beats me to it.

What do you call a duck that always hits the target?

A quackshot

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

I was at the firing range when a family walked right into the lanes while people were firing to hang their targets.

That’s one family no one will miss.

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

What do Stormtroopers call target practice?

Shooting the breeze

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

Why is there no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because there are targets on every corner!

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Syria?

Because there is a target in every corner.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas?

The Walmart that got turned into a Target.

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex toy companies should target their advertisements at virgins.

It's an untapped market.

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, sai...

There's no need to target airlines with jokes.

That's just plane rude.

What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason Anne's Franks hasn't been very popular with the target audience.

Hunters should always know what's behind their target

Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

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A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

I shouldn't have agreed to be a cowboy's target dummy for lasso throwing practice.

How did I get roped into this?

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job gu...

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

I tried to walk into Target

But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

[Discussion] Regional targets

I am wondering who are the preferred targets of jokes from where you are from, I have done a little research and have come up with the following so far:

| Region | Target |
|:--|:--|
| Canada | Newfies |
| England | Irishmen |
| America | Polacks |
| France | Belgians |
| Br...

Scientists recently developed a weapon that directly targets the Higgs Boson

It's classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."

"Were we at least close?"

"Not even remotely."

Why you shouldn't take your husband shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from t...

Where is an assassin’s favorite place to shop?

Target.

Hunting Trip

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?

A mechanical engineer designs weapons. A civil engineer designs targets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Why do thieves like Walmart?

It's their best Target

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Why are there no Walmarts in the Middle East?

Because they’re all targets!

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today...

Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager.

Why did it take so long for Labour to expel Alistair Campbell

It's really difficult to draw a pentagram around a moving target.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you could kill one person in history who would you kill?

Myself, I’d target the person who killed Hitler.

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in ei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] One day I went waterfowl hunting...

As I sat still in my boat, I quietly scanned the area. I heard a rustling in the bushes along the shore. As I looked over to where I heard the noise, I saw two beautiful Mallards step out of from the cover of the shrubbery. As they were walking they stopped briefly and started pooping. I knew this w...

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

What grocery store chain is the most similar to American Schools?

Target.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.



One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner always shopped at...

What's the difference between an american school and a firing range?

The school has moving targets.

[Long] I was at the fair and I saw this drunk guy at the shooting range.

He was completely wasted but somehow managed to shoot all the targets. The guy at the stand gave him the first prize :a turtle. I watched the guy leave happily with his prize while bumping into sober people.

Later on, the guy came back swaying to the shooting range, even more drunk. The guy a...

Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan?

Targets.



I’ll see myself out.

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