What do you call a duck that always hits the target?

A quackshot

Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because they're all Targets.

What do Catholic Priests and Target have in common?

They often have little boy's pants half off.

What do you call a shuriken that never hits the right target?

An unsure-iken

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Syria?

Because there is a target in every corner.

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

Why is there no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because there are targets on every corner!

I was at the firing range when a family walked right into the lanes while people were firing to hang their targets.

That’s one family no one will miss.

What do broken saws have in common with targets of neckbeard affection?

They're not reciprocating.

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex toy companies should target their advertisements at virgins.

It's an untapped market.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.

I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.

So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, sai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I put a home pregnancy test in the shopping basket of a teenage girl & her mom at Target.

I'm a terrible person. I should have offered to pay after they finished slut shaming each other.

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

There's no need to target airlines with jokes.

That's just plane rude.

What did the throwing star say when I asked her if she could hit her target?

Of course, I'm shuriken.

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Hunters should always know what's behind their target

Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sniper looks over a large crowd of people from his hidden perch. Over his earpiece, he is told to fire at will. He carefully spots his target, and shoots.

"Crap, that wasn't Will."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

I shouldn't have agreed to be a cowboy's target dummy for lasso throwing practice.

How did I get roped into this?

Target audience

A nine year old kid disappeared after using a cream that makes you look 10 years younger.

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice

The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job gu...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags.

Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.

​

One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner alway...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

What grocery store chain is the most similar to American Schools?

Target.

I tried to walk into Target

But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

[Discussion] Regional targets

I am wondering who are the preferred targets of jokes from where you are from, I have done a little research and have come up with the following so far:

| Region | Target |
|:--|:--|
| Canada | Newfies |
| England | Irishmen |
| America | Polacks |
| France | Belgians |
| Br...

"Sir, the UAV strike bombing missed the target."

"Were we at least close?"

"Not even remotely."

A Target inspired joke

I got fired from Target but it was worth it. My coworker Alfred was stocking shelves and I was at front. A large lady came in and inquired about the mobility scooter. Hmmm I thought. A mobility scooter for fat people.

I got on the intercom and announced "Alfred, please bring around the Fatmo...

[Long] I was at the fair and I saw this drunk guy at the shooting range.

He was completely wasted but somehow managed to shoot all the targets. The guy at the stand gave him the first prize :a turtle. I watched the guy leave happily with his prize while bumping into sober people.

Later on, the guy came back swaying to the shooting range, even more drunk. The guy a...

Why you shouldn't take your husband shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a Truck Driver Tells You He's Hauling Toys... (True Story)

When I was younger I drove a semi-truck and on a fine spring day I was driving through New York when I came up on a service plaza that had been converted into a weigh station for the day (New York does this unlike most states that have dedicated weigh stations). I pull in without any worries - I'd o...

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

What's the difference between an american school and a firing range?

The school has moving targets.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today...

Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This really isn't a good joke but...

In an alternate universe, Hitler gains power of the whole world (somehow) and he is so full of himself, he changes the official title of a man from mister to the first 3 letters of his name.

In this alternate universe, Hitler doesn't believe in Aryan supremacy but supports LGBT (bear with me)...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Guess what stores are opening in Afghanistan?

Targets.



I’ll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good party/bar joke that doesn't work well in Reddit format.

So, this doesn't work here, but I figured I'd post it as it's a good joke to have in the bag for when you're with a group of friends, or as an icebreaker at a bar or gathering or something. It's the long-story format, so you can adlib as much as you like to extend it a bit, but I'll give the framewo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

I came up with this a few years back.

Yo mommas’ so fat, the Death Star used her for target practice.

Communications Tech

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his...

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

I said to my boss "nice new mercedes" . He said..

.. "Well if you hit your targets, work hard, stay focused next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one"

Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


Upon entering,...

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

At a joint NATO training excercise,

An American officer is overseeing a firing range. There a soldiers of all nationalities present. However, the officer takes particular interest in a young Australian soldier. Whilst his peers are firing at targets, he struggles to load his gun and then it jams. The officer whispers to his fellow Ame...

A Father meets his old friend, the Major after many years.

The Major wants to show off his shooting skills to his friend. He fires at the target, and misses by a distance.

"Damn! How the hell did I miss?", exclaims the Major.

"Mind your language, Bruce. You know that God is always watching", says the Father.

The Major ignores him and fi...

Hundreds of years ago, there was a brave ranger who went on many adventures.

There was also an evil sorcerer named Danny who claimed he could enchant arrows to follow their targets. Mysteriously, anyone who made the journey to the sorcerer never came back. Of course, the ranger decided to make the journey, to figure out what was going on. He made sure to take an arrow as wel...

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horny rooster

A farmer wakes up to find his rooster dead in the garden. Desperate that his chickens will no longer lay eggs, he goes to the market in search of another. Upon arrival he sees a a large, heavy built rooster so he asks the seller:

“Oi! How many bucks for that one?”

“5000 dollars!”
...

When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)

I took my kids to the shooting range today.

But they said I had to use the paper targets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hitman

A man got word that his wife was cheating on him with one of her work colleagues.
After a little investigating, he found this to be true. They met up every Thursday afternoon in a hotel.

The man was heartbroken.
So much so, that he decided both her and her new man had to go, they had ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A ventriloquist walks into a bar (Long)

Starts doing his stand-up routine, where he’s really trying to establish himself. After too many jokes ending with awkward silences punctuated with a few small titters of laughter, he decides to go to ol’ faithful and break out the ol’ ventriloquist dummy. He hones in on the easiest target he can th...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you if you don't...

I've never shot a gun

because that would be a weird target

A mathematician, physicist, and a statistician go to a shooting range.

The three want to find out who is the best shot, so they decide to have a contest. Each competitor gets two shots, and the most accurate shooter wins.

They take their targets down range, and the mathematician goes first. He calculates how long it would take for the bullet to reach the target ...

Ever wonder why North Korea doesn't have any Walmarts?

They only have Targets there.

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger ...

How are Manchester City and Oscar Pistorius similar?

They lost both legs, but still managed to get four shots on target.

A drunk man at the carnival...

A horribly drunk man stumbled up to a carnival game booth and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment.

"Wow, sir that was amazing," said the operator as he handed the drunkard a live turtle. "You'll be going...

What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons... Civil engineers build targets.