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Sun Jokes

Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
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Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.
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I don’t get why people are bothered by the sun while driving.

I just close my eyes and it’s not a problem.
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What's the difference between you and the sun?

The sun's hot...
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Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 
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North Korea announced to have successfully landed a man on the Sun

During a live interview with Kim Jong-un, a reporter asked, "the Sun is very hot! How did you land a man?" Kim proudly replied, "we launch at night!"

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted while watching the live, "Haha what an idiot! There is no Sun at night!"
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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

A _solar_eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A _lunar_ eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…
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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me
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With a sexy smile, she said to me "Kiss me where the sun don't shine."

...so I booked us two tickets for a December holiday in northern Norway.

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Boobs are like the sun...

Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.

Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
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The Sun's Birthday

It's the Sun's birthday, so the whole Solar system is thinking about gifts. Earth, after thinking for a while, decides to gift the Sun the element Technetium, since it's a gift that no other planet could have given. The party goes by, and the Sun accepts the Technetium graciously and politely.
<...
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I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.
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The Sun doesn't need to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.
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North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.
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Why does the sun never set on the British empire?

Because God can't trust the British in the dark.
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What do you call an orange that spent too much time in the sun?

A tangerine
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God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...
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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's fucking Ra

My friends down here in Texas keep telling me about the sun having an eclipse.

I couldn't see anything, though. The moon was in the way the entire time.
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From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.
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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

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Stalin wakes up one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

What does the sun get with it’s sandwich?

Light mayo.
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third world countries
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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.
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What did the sun say to the ice?

You’re gonna have a total meltdown!


(My five year old just made this one up at dinner tonight. He’s so proud.)
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Chuck Norris walked on the sun once

The sun got chuck burns.
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What do you get when the sun god says he's sorry?

An Apollo-gy
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Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...
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Breasts are like the sun

If you wear sunglasses you can stare at them longer.
(I don’t know if this has already been posted here before, sorry if it has)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin...

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar,
an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand ...
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A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."
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Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sun roof?

Because there's more leg room.
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What's more useful, the sun or the moon?

The moon. Because the sun only shines during daytime, when it's bright anyway, whereas the moon shines at night.
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What did the Sun name his Kids?

Bright and Early
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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Sister Mary Margaret woke up and saw from the rising sun that she was late.

She jumped up, dressed in a hurry and headed down for morning prayers. Sister Agnes took a look at her and said "Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed today" and smirked. Sister Mary Margaret just shook her head, slightly annoyed, and kept going. Then she saw Sister Martha who looked at ...
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The Sun Names His Two Children After Himself

He calls them Bright and Early
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As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...
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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
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Let they who are without sun…

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the firs...
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Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches...

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
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Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

We know the sun turns around the earth

because Chuck Norris is on earth
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Today is the Perihelion, the day the earth is closest to the sun

Not to be confused with the perineum, which is closest to the moon.
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The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)
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What does the Sun do, that my wife won't?

Go down on me every evening.
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I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.
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What type of flower grows in the surface of the sun?

An Ultra-Violet
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Two pigs are sitting in the sun

One says: “I’m getting pretty hot!”
The other says: “Yeah I’m bacon!”
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Your face is like the sun

It burns my eyes
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Why must people sun dry after bathing in Afghanistan?

There's a towel ban in Afghanistan
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A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

Driving into the SunSet...

The couple drives silently in a car along the country road. She suddenly says,"Walter, I'm getting a divorce!"
He doesn't say anything, just accelerates slightly.
She says,"I've had a relationship with your best friend for a long time, and he's a better lover than you." He doesn't say anything...
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The Sun and the Moon walk into a bar...

Sun: Ahhh damn it! I forgot my wallet.
Moon: Hey no worries, I'll cover ya.
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Don't trust people who avoid the sun.

They're shady.
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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

It is hot, has curves, and is a thirst trap.

The sun is literally the perfect girl.
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A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

How come Voldemort hates the sun?

Because his sunglasses won’t stay up
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What do you get when the Sun gives you a handjob?

Heatstroke!
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a good girl should be like a sun, she should light up your life and..

Go down on you everyday.
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How did Joshua stop the sun in the sky over Gibeon?

He pressed the Heliopause.
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

8 CVS receipts
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A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip

After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars."
"Correct, Watson, and what do...
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun

Uranus takes only one.

If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun?

Only if they planet.
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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

As a guy who loves the beach and the sun

I rate myself a tan/tan!
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A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.
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TIL You can watch the sun through a telescope without any filters.

Only twice though...
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If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen.

He could have been protected from harmful rays.
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Would you like to be the sun of my life?

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
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If the world is 3rd from sun

Doesn’t that make America a 3rd world country too??
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What is a Irish and sits in the sun?

Patty O’Furniture
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The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
(I'll see myself out.)
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4 construction workers are parched from working under the hot sun all day.

They have run out of bottled water and decide to knock on the door of the 1 house on the block that is finished and occupied. An old lady answers , they tell their story and she invited them in.

They sit at her kitchen table to ensure the sofa stays clean. She goes to the kitchen to gath...
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"The child returned to the sun"

Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please t...
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Did you hear about those Amish who are running wild when the sun goes down?

They're Amish by day, but mennonite
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The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same
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“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
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Did you hear about the Scottish Space Agency mission to land on the sun?

They went at night to make sure it wouldn't be too hot
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Why does the Sun have sunspots?

Because it caught a Corona virus.
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The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"
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Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?

He had a total meltdown
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