A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

What did the farmer say when he became a DJ?

Lettuce turnip the beet.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can’t defend the towers

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

&#x200B;

But how did they get this name?..

&#x200B;

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

&#x200B;

Every...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

&#x200B;

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

&#x200B;

As ...

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

I dont understand all the worry about net neutrality, because

[Please make a £100 donation to AT&T for completion of this joke]

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

At what frequency does laughter become painful

1 gigglehurts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate big dick and small dick jokes, I have a medium dick...

It can talk to ghosts

I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple of dicks walk into a Vagina.

They had a few drinks and were there for a couple of hours. Eventually one dick looks at the other and says, “Hey man, I’m getting bored, want to go next door and get shit faced?”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

A chemist froze himself at-273C

Everyone said he was crazy. But he was 0K

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Two nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said

- Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent.
- I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us.
- Oh! What does he want.
- To rape us.
- What can we do.
- Let's separate. You go left and I will go right.
- He followed Sister Rose.
- Sister Mary re...

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

I stopped being breastfed at 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[At the chameleon store]

Me: Do you have any chameleons?


Clerk: I have no fucking idea

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted!

I didn't really want to work there anyway.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“N...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.


A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat".


He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France?

There's nothing left but de Brie

My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”

She said, “I think the baby is coming”

Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

&#x200B;

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

I’m trying to think of a joke about waiting for the bus at the wrong bus stop.

But nothing is coming to me.

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

I hated working as a valet at the anti-vaxxer convention.

all i got was bunch of measly tips!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

I quit my job at the helium gas factory

I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

I read that 9 out of 10 Americans are bad at math

I'm glad I'm one of the other 1%

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

Fire at the Pub

A firehouse got a call about a pub. The firemen rushed there to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see an Irishman trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how th...

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

A lady walks into a bar and sees a handsome man sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he's drinking.

"Magic beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after not icing that there isn't anyone else worth talking to, she goes back to the man and says

"That isn't really magic beer, is it?"

"...

Man is at a job interview

Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000.

Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,

as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar...

And checks his clock.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.

But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"

So he asks the barman for a coffe...

Why does Donald Trump tweet at 3 AM?

Because it’s 10am in Moscow during business hours.

Photons hit you at over 300,000,000,00 m/s, and yet you don't even flinch.

It must be because they're so light.

At a job interview, they asked me how well I could perform under pressure.

I told them I could hum a few bars, but I was more of a fan of Bohemian Rhapsody.

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

A German, a French and an English survives a plane crash at Pacific...

Before they figure out what to do, a local tribe captures and bring them to their village. As they enter to the village , a mighty chieftain appears. He goes next to the German and asks : “ Death?! or Onga-Bonga?!”

German answers with fear and hesitation “Onga-Bonga” without knowing meaning...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.

A man is driving down the road at midnight and his car breaks down near a mental hospital.

He didn’t know what to do because he knew nothing about fixing cars. A mental patient who was watering some flowers saw the scene and walks towards the man. The man seeing the mental patient coming his way, gets scared and stays quiet in the car. The madman tells the man..-“Good night my friend. Do...

Who was the roundest night at King Arthur's table?

Sir Cumference. He ate all the Pi.


(Sharing this in honour of national Pi day)

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked up to a girl with no arms or legs at the beach, she was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "I have never been hugged before".

So I crouched down and gave her a hug, she was still crying so I asked why she was still crying.

"I have never been kissed before", she said. So I leaned in and gave her a big ol' kiss.

She was STILL...

So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar...

and was immediately disqualified.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

What did the barber tell the janitor at the end of the day?

Take hair!

My 8 year old thought of it after his hair cut last night. I hope it’s OC as he doesn’t have a Reddit account, yet.

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the gates of the Vatican, there stood a jew demanding to meet with the pope.

The cardinals on gate duty knew him to be the head of an ancient Jewish family, that had tried to meet with The Pope for generations.

As they were shooing him away, The Pope walked by and heard the commotion.

"what is going on?" he asked.

"Your Grace, it is simply a jew who wish...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men with Alzheimer's at the beach

&#x200B;

They're peckish and want some food.

The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl walks ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?

I guess you had to be there

I was at the doctor's today and I learned I have Bartter Syndrome...

Wondering if anyone wants to trade?

&#x200B;

(Yes that's a true syndrome, and come on, you knew the punchline before you read it).

&#x200B;

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter\_syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bartter_syndrome)

Explaining a joke is a bit like an STD at an orgy

Generally everyone gets it in the end but it’s not really funny

Why don't women work at the post office?

It's a mail dominated industry.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

I got fired at the keyboard factory today...

I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates.

One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.”

St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.”

St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Ho...

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

I got mad and threw my mouse at the wall because it wasn’t working..

I don’t know why the people at the vet are giving me that look.

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.

Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.

(True story, for what it’s worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

“Like the Spanish Armada?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

“Well,” I sighed. “At least he isn’t called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.”

A girl winked at me....

With her both eyes

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.

He just sat there drinking coffee.

Like a psychopath.

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my...

I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.

Then I realised she can't even.

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

Who's the most popular man at the nudist beach?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six donuts.

Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning last nite. 2:30am! Can you believe it?

He was so damn lucky I was still up playing my drums or I would've lost it.
Some people have no consideration for others.

A tiny psychic was walking around town.

He was a small medium at large.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some ...

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?

Yoghurt.

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.


The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

I gave my friend some cash yesterday, he says he'll return it at Easter...

I'm a bit out of pocket, but I'm glad I Lent him the money.