I was so depressed that I decided to kill myself by taking a thousand Prozac tablets.

But after taking the first two I felt so much happier.

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mis...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Things that aren't formatted properly.

Do you know what I hate?

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

A man with a monkey on his shoulder enters the bar.

While he's sipping his drink at the bar, the monkey jumps around to eat everything he finds. He jumps on a pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender shouts "did you see what monkey did?"
"No, what did he do?" the man asks.
"He swallowed my billiard ball!" says thr bartender. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate big dick and small dick jokes, I have a medium dick...

It can talk to ghosts

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday,

I beat the raining champion.

At what frequency does laughter become painful

1 gigglehurts

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.

​

When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When sh...

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night

The bill was huge!

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an effici...

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

I dont understand all the worry about net neutrality, because

[Please make a £100 donation to AT&T for completion of this joke]

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

An Airbus is flying 30,000 feet in the air at 200,000 mph. Suddenly a eurofighter jet pulls up and slows down beside it and radioes it.

“Boring flight, huh, Airbus? Watch this!” The fighter proceeds to flip upside down and speed up, breaking the sound barrier before corkscrewing to skim the ocean, and coming up back beside the Airbus. “What’d you think?”

The Airbus pilot replies, “Not bad, but look at this.” The Airbus proce...

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

&#x200B;

But how did they get this name?..

&#x200B;

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

&#x200B;

Every...

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?

They can’t defend the towers

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are at a mental institution.

The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”

The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”

The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”

The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”

The pyromaniac says, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Why are priests bad at marathons?

Because they always come in a little behind

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking:

\- Yesterday my girlfriend came to me and told me she is pregnant.

\- Really? What did you say?

\- Nothing. I cried.

\- Really? Why?

\- Because I know what it means to grow up without a father.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

&#x200B;

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

&#x200B;

As ...

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

I was dining alone at a restaurant one evening.

In the middle of my meal, a very pretty woman of about 25 came to my table and asked, "Are you single?"

I smiled and nodded.

She took the other chair and brought it back to her table.

Jesus at the pearly gates

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask ab...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Today is the day "Bring your pet at school "

Can I bring my desert eagle?

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

Three men at a class about etiquette...

...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet."
The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."

The second one goes: "Well, everyo...

I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional.

I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was chatting up a girl at a bar, and I told her I had a joke about my penis.

"It's really long, though", I said.

"That's ok", she said. "I have a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

Those two girls at the party got mad at me because I called them hipsters.

Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple of dicks walk into a Vagina.

They had a few drinks and were there for a couple of hours. Eventually one dick looks at the other and says, “Hey man, I’m getting bored, want to go next door and get shit faced?”.

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and s...

A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the re...

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

At Polish man has an appointment at the oculist

The doctor shows him a sign:.


WYRZYKOWTACZ.


Doctor: "Could you read those letters?"


Polish patient: "Letters? I know that guy!"

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.

...

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

My neighbour was bashing on our door at 2am this morning.

Lucky I was still up playing the drums.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

Sign at a swimming pool: "Welcome to our ool."

"Notice there is no P in it. Please keep it that way."

What was the one legged man doing at the ATM?

Checking his balance

I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted!

I didn't really want to work there anyway.

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old l...

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

&#x200B;

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal"

Which company NEVER loses at blackjack?

Forever 21.

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

What happens if you laugh at a joke that doesn't have gold?

You lgh at it.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

I was at the museum the other day and saw my ex at the other end of the room

I was about to say hi but there is too much history between us

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Just in case she needed to draw blood!

Why was the Jewish kid who transferred to the catholic school suddenly so good at math?

He saw the guy stapled to the plus sign and knew they meant business

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

What do you call security at Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

Why are scarecrows always the best at their jobs?

They're outstanding in their field

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

I was asked at a recent job interview if I could perform under pressure

I said I don't know that one but I could have a fair go at Bohemian Rhapsody..

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

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I was given a choice at birth I could either have a large penis or a good memory

I don’t remember which one I picked

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Sam was at the bar

As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late.
So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "scre...

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

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There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guys face

. A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with a 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.

“Twice a day,”

“Nope.”

“Daily.”

“Nope.”

“Every other day.”

“Nope.”

“Weekends.”

“Nope.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

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A man asks his wife to make him happy and sad at the same time...

She thinks for a minute and says..


You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

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There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.

A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Le...

Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?

Me: It's pronounced "quiche"

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Disability benefits are really bad at the moment

I have a friend who’s a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

So I was at a gas station bathroom

And i dropped a five dollar bill in the toilet by accident. I ask myself would i stick my hand in that disgusting toilet for a mere $5? I said no.
So i took out another five dollars and chucked them in the toilet. I'll definitely stick my hand in that toilet for ten dollars.

What does a black guy do at the university?

He gets his master's degree.

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

So my sister told me to get her something hard to write on... then she got really mad at me

Thought sand would be pretty hard to write on

I was sitting at a bar last night and this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.

*Sometimes I even let her in.*

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's something you can say during sex or at a funeral?

I'm sorry. Were you close?

What do you call an erection at a funeral

Mourning wood

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In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

I was at a diner when the waitress asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes, please.”

Waitress: Sure. Today is special.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A janitor at a church is minding his own business cleaning the floors when the priest runs to him telling him he needs help

The priest says to the janitor
“J I need your help, I have to run an errand really quick but I need you to fill in for me for confessions.” J says, “Father I cant I don’t know what to assign for punishments or pennants.
Father replies saying, “Its fine there’s a sheet in there that will tel...

My last job was at an orange juice factory.

I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

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A dude is pissing at a urinal, when a short shrimpy guy steps up to the urinal next to him...

The dude is about to laugh at how frail and weak the guy looks, but he happens to catch a glimpse of the dude's shlong, fat as a pepperoni and as long as a cucumber.

"Holy fucking hell!" the guy says. "Not to sound gay or anything, but that's the biggest cock I've ever seen in my life!"
<...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?

He has the white cane with the red end you unfunny, reposting, karma whoring chumps.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

The new zookeeper was killed at work on his first day.

That’s why you shouldn’t lion your resume.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Three hillbillies are at work...

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”

Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plast...

So this Limbo Champion walks into a bar...

and was immediately disqualified.

There was a kidnapping at my school once.

A teacher had to wake him up.

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, “Yes, I am.”

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, “Sure, hold on a second.”

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, “I’m sorry, but it looks like your w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you l...

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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So there I was, staring at Medusa's boobs when she said "HEY! My eyes are up here buddy!"...

But I was already rock hard

How do you tell if there is a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard

I overheard some kids saying they were planning on doing a shooting at my old highschool.

I went over and told them I used to go there. I said i figured I'd save them some time and show them the best areas to do the shooting.

Afterward they thanked me but asked perplexed why i would help them.

I said "Just thought I could help some up and coming film makers. Us artists gott...

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Why are Nazis good at math?

They know the final solution.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”