One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”


To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you ...

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

I was walking by the fridge last night and I thought I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

What did the spring say to the airplane?

Boeing!!

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Just finished my spring cleaning.

Sometimes I wish I'd never bought a Slinky.

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??



It doesn’t last long and barely gets you wet!

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Why cant you trust math teachers in the spring time?

Because they'll always play matrix on you.

It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take...

Spring is finally here

I got so excited I wet my plants.

When I was a kid, we were so poor I had to bathe in the spring.

When money was good, I'd bathe in the fall too.

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

Why doesn’t Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

Why do blondes give more head in spring?

They've heard that one swallow doesn't make a summer.

Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no p...

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

Saw 1st signs of spring today.

Two crackheads were carrying a space heater into the pawn shop.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths

But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

Who is the only Irishman that comes out in the Spring?

Patty O’Furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spring is acting like a bitter, angry, baby’s mama.

Bitch, I just wanna see my sun.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this f...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

Why does Manny Pacquiao hate spring?

Because it has May weather in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

Spring is like a deadbeat dad

It keeps promising it'll be there, but never shows up.

Why do they call it Spring?

Because the weather bounces around more than a Slinky.

Spring is here, and the trees are getting their foliage back.

What a releaf!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the first warm Saturday of spring, so I asked my friends if they'd like to have some beer and hang out on my dock for a few hours.

Fucking autocorrect.

Found on a gardening store sign: We're so glad spring is here,

we wet our plants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student is going to Europe for spring break

He asks his grandfather for some advice, which he happily provides.

"Kid, you gotta go over there and really get rowdy. Fuck any girl you meet, beat the shit out of anyone that gives you the side eye, get your buddies and really tear the town up. You're only young once, and those bastards don...

The seasons are all mixed up right now. It's supposed to be spring but it feels more like salt.

I'm so wintery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad Pooper'.

The jogger is suspected in a shit-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.

One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"

Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".

The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never hike with a homophobe

Two friends are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a poisonous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What s...

Have you read Rusty Bed Springs?

It was written by I.P Nightly.

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

Why does Connor McGregor hate the spring time?

Because he hates MayWeather

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do trees in early spring, and shitty dads, have in common?

They'll both soon be leaving.

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my s...

5 years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me. Last spring, I asked her to be my wife.

Both times she said no.

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter

Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?

He wanted to see that booty bounce.

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring?

Stew.

I had a track accident last spring...

Now it has become a running joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Spring Break, and Little Johnny has been home for a week.

He's been tearing the house up and breaking things every day. Finally his Mom has had enough.

"LITTLE JOHNNY! I'm sick of you destroying everything! They're building a house across the street. Go hang out with the foreman and don't come back until you've learned something about construction. ...

What emotion does a tree feel every spring?

Relief

Case of a dead jackass

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drunk students meet in a bar on Spring Break, and decide to screw on the beach

Guy can't find his condom, but decides to fuck her anyways. When they finish, the girl says, "I should have asked before, but do you have herpes?"

Guy says, "No, I'm clean"

Girl responds, "Good - I don't want to get that shit again"

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that are getting married?

They're having a lovely wedding in the spring.

Thinking out of the box!

A cannibal and his son lay an ambush in the jungle and wait for some human to pass by. After a while, an obese woman comes around. The son looks at her excitedly and says 'Father let's spring the trap and eat her'. The father examines her closely and says 'No son, we wait. This one is so fat she wil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

How do you know when spring is here?

the Leafs are out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear ...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy gets transferred to Norway through his job.

He’s pretty excited about it. He’s working his dream job, he’s young, he doesn’t have a wife or kids, he’s looking forward to the adventure. The town he gets transferred to is beautiful. It looks like a Christmas card! The people are so nice and welcoming. He loves this town. He’s there for almost a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

At what time of year does F=-kx not hold?

Spring Break.

Horrible thing happened on the way home

Last night I was driving home and remembered that my remote for the TV had an issue. The batteries were bad and leaked acid on the springs so I always use salt water to clean the connectors and I needed new batteries - so I make a pit stop at 7-11 get the container of salt and a few double A batteri...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

I’m really allergic to pollen

But I feel this spring will be breathtaking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman’s husband passes away.

As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the chapel and down the stairs to the hearse they accidentally bump a pillar. They hear a noise from inside the casket and when they open it up the man springs up. Everyone is shocked but thankfully the man is alive and well.

Ten years pass a...

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.