How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

I was walking by the fridge last night and I thought I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song.

Turns out it was just the chives talking.

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Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days ...

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

To celebrate the end of winter, my local bed shop is having a spring sale.

The rest of the bed is still full price though.

What did the spring say to the airplane?

Boeing!!

Spring is finally here

I got so excited I wet my plants.

Just finished my spring cleaning.

Sometimes I wish I'd never bought a Slinky.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

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Big shot lawyer is driving through countryside on beautiful spring Sunday.

He's driving bit fast but there's no one else in sight. Feeling the power of car makes him feel great. He sees a crossroad with a stop sign coming up. Empty roads for miles. He slows a bit and swerves to left and speeds up.



Few moments later he hears sirens and sees red flashing light...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Why cant you trust math teachers in the spring time?

Because they'll always play matrix on you.

When I was a kid, we were so poor I had to bathe in the spring.

When money was good, I'd bathe in the fall too.

What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”


To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you ...

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??

Why is a spring rain like your ex-boyfriend??



It doesn’t last long and barely gets you wet!

Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take...

Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

Why doesn’t Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?

Because of Mayweather

Finally my winter fat is gone

Now I have spring rolls

Saw 1st signs of spring today.

Two crackheads were carrying a space heater into the pawn shop.

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

Why do blondes give more head in spring?

They've heard that one swallow doesn't make a summer.

TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths

But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Who is the only Irishman that comes out in the Spring?

Patty O’Furniture

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

Spring is here, and the trees are getting their foliage back.

What a releaf!

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Spring is acting like a bitter, angry, baby’s mama.

Bitch, I just wanna see my sun.

Stop trying to predict the next Arab Spring

Just pencil it in six weeks after Arab Groundhog Day.

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no p...

Spring is like a deadbeat dad

It keeps promising it'll be there, but never shows up.

Why do they call it Spring?

Because the weather bounces around more than a Slinky.

Why does Manny Pacquiao hate spring?

Because it has May weather in it.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

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It's the first warm Saturday of spring, so I asked my friends if they'd like to have some beer and hang out on my dock for a few hours.

Fucking autocorrect.

Found on a gardening store sign: We're so glad spring is here,

we wet our plants.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this f...

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A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

The seasons are all mixed up right now. It's supposed to be spring but it feels more like salt.

I'm so wintery

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A college student is going to Europe for spring break

He asks his grandfather for some advice, which he happily provides.

"Kid, you gotta go over there and really get rowdy. Fuck any girl you meet, beat the shit out of anyone that gives you the side eye, get your buddies and really tear the town up. You're only young once, and those bastards don...

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Your last spring break?

Three students are sitting in an apartment.

One of them asks: "Where did you spend your last spring break?"

Another replies: "I was in Monaco, partying with the biggest hotties in the world.".

The first one then tells him: "I was gambling in Las Vegas, and I won over 5 million ...

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Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad Pooper'.

The jogger is suspected in a shit-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.

There once was a young engineer, who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

Have you read Rusty Bed Springs?

It was written by I.P Nightly.

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

Why does Connor McGregor hate the spring time?

Because he hates MayWeather

Why did the pirate put springs on his treasure chest?

He wanted to see that booty bounce.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that are getting married?

They're having a lovely wedding in the spring.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and
pass in front of a very large gorilla, the
gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,
holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting
and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress....

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter

5 years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me. Last spring, I asked her to be my wife.

Both times she said no.

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

I had a track accident last spring...

Now it has become a running joke.

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A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

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What do trees in early spring, and shitty dads, have in common?

They'll both soon be leaving.

What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring?

Stew.

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It's Spring Break, and Little Johnny has been home for a week.

He's been tearing the house up and breaking things every day. Finally his Mom has had enough.

"LITTLE JOHNNY! I'm sick of you destroying everything! They're building a house across the street. Go hang out with the foreman and don't come back until you've learned something about construction. ...

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

What emotion does a tree feel every spring?

Relief

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Two drunk students meet in a bar on Spring Break, and decide to screw on the beach

Guy can't find his condom, but decides to fuck her anyways. When they finish, the girl says, "I should have asked before, but do you have herpes?"

Guy says, "No, I'm clean"

Girl responds, "Good - I don't want to get that shit again"

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

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So this guy gets transferred to Norway through his job.

He’s pretty excited about it. He’s working his dream job, he’s young, he doesn’t have a wife or kids, he’s looking forward to the adventure. The town he gets transferred to is beautiful. It looks like a Christmas card! The people are so nice and welcoming. He loves this town. He’s there for almost a...

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear ...

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

How do you know when spring is here?

the Leafs are out!

A priest, pastor, and clergyman are sitting in a boat, fishing.

Around 7p.m. , it starts to get dark and the three have to get to shore. Unfortunately , they hit a rock while rowing back and the boat springs a leak. The 3 begin sinking. The clergyman and priest begin freaking out, but then the pastor says, "guys, relax! We have faith in Jesus, remember? If we pr...

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Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

At what time of year does F=-kx not hold?

Spring Break.

Horrible thing happened on the way home

Last night I was driving home and remembered that my remote for the TV had an issue. The batteries were bad and leaked acid on the springs so I always use salt water to clean the connectors and I needed new batteries - so I make a pit stop at 7-11 get the container of salt and a few double A batteri...

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

What's wrong with Soviet agriculture?

Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter

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Three German Engineers, one from BMW, one from Mercedes and one from Audi are kidnapped by ISIS and taken to a prison camp.

There the sadistic commander told them 'out there are 500 land mines, if you can cross it without being killed you are free to go!'

So the BMW engineer starts crawling forward searching with his hands but eventually crawls over a mine he missed and is blown to pieces.

The Mercedes engi...

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An elderly woman’s husband passes away.

As the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the chapel and down the stairs to the hearse they accidentally bump a pillar. They hear a noise from inside the casket and when they open it up the man springs up. Everyone is shocked but thankfully the man is alive and well.

Ten years pass a...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

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One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

They should change the Canada Goose to America Goose

They're far from being the normal polite Canadian you meet. They come back every spring all rude and acting like they own the place.

Better Easter Joke

Three blondes die and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. Before I can let you into Heaven, says St. Peter, you need to answer one question. "What is Easter?"
The first blonde says "Easter is that time in the fall when you go door-to-door and people give you candy." "No" says St. Peter "Tha...

I’m really allergic to pollen

But I feel this spring will be breathtaking

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer...

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives hi...

The Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of
his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jack...

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.

Winter: Well you can build snowmen, and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!

Spring: Well sure but come springtime everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!

Summer: yes but I am undoubtably the overall best...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

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