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Daylight Jokes

A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight

She wasn't caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Daylight savings is coming up...

Don't lose sleep over it.

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.

Daylight savings time.

Is the government cutting off the bottom of a blanket and sewing it to the top and saying ,"see its longer now".

They always say that daylight savings is such a great idea

I give it six months

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

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Had sex for an hour and 30 seconds today

Thankyou daylight savings

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

I went to London the other day and was mugged in broad daylight at the train station.

Naturally I burst into tears, and then a policeman came up to me and said, “I’m fining you £10.”

“For crying out loud!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly,” he replied.

Daylight saving adjustments are stupid

Last time I got a morning wood in the bus instead the bed.

I’ve been trying to write a song about Daylight Savings Time

But I haven’t been able to come up with anything better than Spice Girls’ 2 become 1

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Did you know that Germans were the first to adopt daylight savings time?

It's definitely the second worst thing they've ever done.

My mother-in-law is visiting. I'm not saying she's fat, but...

when we hung her panties out to dry, we lost an hour of daylight.

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

Daylight Savings Explained

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

Daylight savings

On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

Daylight must be a woman

Because it's always a broad.

Daylight robbery...

I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.

I said, "Yeah, pump 6."

What do you think of the return to Daylight Savings Time tonight?

Eh, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time in the USA

I guess I'm still in the dark.

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Yeah, baby! I have sex for 61 minutes last night!

Thank you Daylight Saving Time!

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

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What’s old, annoying and only fucks you twice a year?

Daylight savings time

Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

I’m working 25/7

To come up with jokes about daylight savings time.

Apparently the clocks are going back next week

I guess that’s daylight robbery

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.

How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?

Just one with depression.

What did the former German chancellor's wife say to him to remind him to change his watch for Daylight Saving Time?

Konrad, add an hour!

Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. ...

I just gave my gf the best 1hr 30 secs of her life

Shoutout to daylight saving time

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Zack late to his work

Zach's boss was super pissed as Zack was an hour late to the work because of the daylight savings time.

After the boss left, Zack kick a lamp to vent out his frustration.

Suddenly a genie appeared and said - you have made me free. I will grant you a wish.

Zack - Can you bring pe...

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

I finally lasted 1 hour and 2 minutes in bed...

Thank god for daylight savings

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

If I ever run out of dad jokes....

I’ve always got daylight savings time puns to fall back on

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

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Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

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So I went to a party with a friend last night... NSFW

The host of the party was this really cute chick named Annie who was flirting with me pretty hardcore. She tells me she would like to go outside but says first I have to get her wheelchair... oh shit she's a paraplegic. I wasn't about to let that stop me so I help her into her chair and we go out ba...

Boss: "You're an hour late!"

Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"

Traveling salesmen and the farmer

A traveling salesmen is driving through the country one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains his situation and kindly asks to use his phone.

The farmer replies “Well we haven’t got a phone here, but ...

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Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life.

I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think i...

An boomer classic for you all...

A man was run down by a car in broad daylight.

An ambulance was called, and he was quickly rushed into it. In order to check his mental state, one of the medics started asking him questions about the accident.

"Well, I had just left the store, and was crossing the road to reach my car,...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

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A lady wakes up.

It's seven o'clock in the morning, an alarm goes off, a young lady gets up from the bed, opens the window so the daylight comes in, uncovers a cage where there was a parrot, puts the coffee on the fire.

The phone rings and answers "Hello".
"Hi darling, it's ...

Why is the moon so dark?

Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D

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Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.

However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.

Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat ...

Fishing is all location location location

Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was runn...

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