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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

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A male pornstar was robbed on the street in the daylight!!

He lost his hard earned money.

I’m extremely lazy... When Daylight Savings time arrives, instead of resetting my clocks...

I just do math for 8 months.

And I think a lot of other people do it too lol

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Traveling salesmen and the farmer

A traveling salesmen is driving through the country one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains his situation and kindly asks to use his phone.

The farmer replies “Well we haven’t got a phone here, but ...

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

Daylight saving adjustments are stupid

Last time I got a morning wood in the bus instead the bed.

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time in the USA

I guess I'm still in the dark.

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time...

My girlfriend thought I lasted 1 hour and 3 minutes!

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

What do you think of the return to Daylight Savings Time tonight?

Eh, I'm not losing any sleep over it.

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

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I had sex for an hour and 4 minutes last night

Thank you daylight savings for helping me set a record.

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If you see a bunch of raccoons hanging out in broad daylight they got rabies.

Blonde: So they don't have it at night?

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

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Zack late to his work

Zach's boss was super pissed as Zack was an hour late to the work because of the daylight savings time.

After the boss left, Zack kick a lamp to vent out his frustration.

Suddenly a genie appeared and said - you have made me free. I will grant you a wish.

Zack - Can you bring pe...

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

My wife doesn’t understand daylight savings time

But hey, who could think straight after being banged for an hour and 2 minutes

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

What did the former German chancellor's wife say to him to remind him to change his watch for Daylight Saving Time?

Konrad, add an hour!

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

Daylight must be a woman

Because it's always a broad.

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
...

Daylight Savings Explained

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

Daylight savings

On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.

Daylight robbery...

I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.

I said, "Yeah, pump 6."

Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.

How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?

Just one with depression.

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

An 80-year-old Irishman goes to the doctor for a check-up...

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says Don, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Irish whi...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

If I ever run out of dad jokes....

I’ve always got daylight savings time puns to fall back on

Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.

However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.

Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat ...

An boomer classic for you all...

A man was run down by a car in broad daylight.

An ambulance was called, and he was quickly rushed into it. In order to check his mental state, one of the medics started asking him questions about the accident.

"Well, I had just left the store, and was crossing the road to reach my car,...

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Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to bre...

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A lady wakes up.

It's seven o'clock in the morning, an alarm goes off, a young lady gets up from the bed, opens the window so the daylight comes in, uncovers a cage where there was a parrot, puts the coffee on the fire.

The phone rings and answers "Hello".
"Hi darling, it's ...

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So I went to a party with a friend last night... NSFW

The host of the party was this really cute chick named Annie who was flirting with me pretty hardcore. She tells me she would like to go outside but says first I have to get her wheelchair... oh shit she's a paraplegic. I wasn't about to let that stop me so I help her into her chair and we go out ba...

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Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

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Doug comes home very drunk one night...

He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell y...

Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

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A boy, two chickens, one donkey, and a maid

A country boy is travelling through the countryside to look for some livestock to purchase. He walks all day and all night until he finally comes across a farm. He walks up to the door and knocks. An old farmer opens the door and greets him.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.

Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."

Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."

"Sure.", says Wat...

Boss: "You're an hour late!"

Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"

I've been working 25/7

To come up with a joke about daylight savings time.

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Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.

3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.

Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and...

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I tapped my taxi driver on the shoulder and told him to pull up to the driveway ahead

He freaked the fuck out and almost jumped out of his seat like I just scared the batshit living daylight out of him.

I asked in confusion "WTF?"

He replied "Sorry, it's my first day being a taxi driver. For the past 10 years I drove a hearse"

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Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

Why is the moon so dark?

Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

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