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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog?

Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

My wife doesn’t understand daylight savings time

But hey, who could think straight after being banged for an hour and 2 minutes

What did the former German chancellor's wife say to him to remind him to change his watch for Daylight Saving Time?

Konrad, add an hour!

I really like daylight savings time, I got an extra hour of sleep last night

I was in bed for 7 hours, but when I woke up it was EIGHT HOURS LATER!!!!

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sitting quietly in the pub having a pint, when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac and then storms off again...

The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”

The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath."

Daylight must be a woman

Because it's always a broad.

Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself,

that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months.

Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.

Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.

Daylight Savings Explained

When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only the government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket."

Thanks to Daylight Saving Time

My girlfriend totally thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes!

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight?

Just one with depression.

Daylight savings

On Sunday we jumped back an hour, today we jumped back 50 years.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The t...

Daylight robbery...

I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.

I said, "Yeah, pump 6."

Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight.

It was a pretty brazen act of violence.

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi...

heading for Midway airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments ev...

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A lady wakes up.

It's seven o'clock in the morning, an alarm goes off, a young lady gets up from the bed, opens the window so the daylight comes in, uncovers a cage where there was a parrot, puts the coffee on the fire.

The phone rings and answers "Hello".
"Hi darling, it's ...

Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking
the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to bre...

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

Four Aliens

The are four aliens passing by our solar system. The don’t know a word of English. Their spaceship malfunctions and they manage to eject the escape pods before they crash land on Earth. Each alien lands in a different spot on the planet. They each decide they might as well try to learn some English ...

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I walked into my dyslexic friend’s room, and saw him putting black paint on his penis.

I said, “I know it is Daylight Savings time, but you are supposed to put your Clock Back.”

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

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Old man and a prostitute

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "but I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "c'mo...

Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Ba...

Ja man, down in da islands, what de call de dew in de morning?

Daylight cum
(Hope I did OK transliterating the Jamaican accent.)

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Since it was such a crappy day...

... I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life – and came to realize that as I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was sh...

Turkey Hunters (just in time for Thanksgiving)

Turkey Hunting

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor, who was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out chasing...

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

A stiff, and swollen upper lip

A british man staggers into a hospital in atlanta, badly beaten and bruised. 'Can someone help me?' he moans, before collapsing in a dead faint. When he comes to,several hours later a doctor and police officer are at his bedside, looking at him anxiously.

'Who did this to you sir?' asks the o...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are taking a walk in the garden nearby after a case.

Watson suddenly turns towards Holmes and says, "You must stop making fun of me now, Holmes. I'm not that dumb now. That was long ago."

Sherlock Holmes looks at Watson a bit mockingly and says, "OK, then. Show me what you can deduce from the objects you see around us."

"Sure.", says Wat...

The Detroit Lions are having there worst football season ever

They haven't been able to catch the ball or even score a single touchdown because they have an atrocious quarterback. One night, the Lions manager is watching the news when he sees footage of the Bosnian Civil war. While he is watching, he sees a rebel fighter run up to a government building and tos...

Few days ago an US Marine and a Russian General were talking at the beach

The Marine says to the General: "we have the greatest submarines on earth. We can last under water for several weeks."

The Russian interrupts:"no way our latest submarines last for 6 months without seeing any daylight."

The both stop talking as they are surprised by a submarine approa...

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A boy, two chickens, one donkey, and a maid

A country boy is travelling through the countryside to look for some livestock to purchase. He walks all day and all night until he finally comes across a farm. He walks up to the door and knocks. An old farmer opens the door and greets him.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably...

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

Boss: "You're an hour late!"

Guy who is about to invent daylight savings time: "Haven't you heard?"

I've been working 25/7

To come up with a joke about daylight savings time.

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So I went to a party with a friend last night... NSFW

The host of the party was this really cute chick named Annie who was flirting with me pretty hardcore. She tells me she would like to go outside but says first I have to get her wheelchair... oh shit she's a paraplegic. I wasn't about to let that stop me so I help her into her chair and we go out ba...

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A little Dutch boy was walking home one day...

When he saw a dyke leaking.. And the puddle was growing quickly.
So,fearing a flood, and being brave,he stuck his finger in the dyke.

She punched the living daylight out of him.

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

How do you make a child fall asleep at night?

You scare the living daylights outta them.

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Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.

3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.

Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and...

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Doug comes home very drunk one night...

He sneaks upstairs to his bedroom and passes out next to his wife, Shirley. All of a sudden, his room fills with a bright light and hovering over the foot of the bed is an angel. Doug is very frightened and has no idea what is going on. The angel says, "Doug, don't be afraid. I am come to tell y...

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The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I hollered at to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Why is the moon so dark?

Because the sun beat the daylights out of it. :D

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Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

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I tapped my taxi driver on the shoulder and told him to pull up to the driveway ahead

He freaked the fuck out and almost jumped out of his seat like I just scared the batshit living daylight out of him.

I asked in confusion "WTF?"

He replied "Sorry, it's my first day being a taxi driver. For the past 10 years I drove a hearse"

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Lunch Hour

I had a meeting in about 30 minutes and would hate to present the sales pitch on an empty stomach. 15 minutes was all I had to spare and 15 minutes to rush back and prepare.
Guess what, its lunch hour and every food shop in the city appears to have a long queues. Looking around saw a restaurant n...

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

animal football

The animals were bored.

Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field...

In a small town in the middle of nowhere...

Recently, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, a crime occurred which totally perplexed the local authorities. It seems that somehow, in a daring daylight robbery, an unidentified perpetrator managed to sneak into the crowded police station and systematically steal all of the toilets.
...

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