UPJOKE
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Closing Jokes

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

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A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

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A man is sitting at a bar at closing time, complaining to his friend.

How is it I always get in trouble with my wife for staying at the bar so late and you never get in trouble with your wife? When I come home from a night out, I do everything so quietly. I turn off my car and coast into the driveway. I sneak in the basement door. I take off my clothes in the baseme...

Telltale games is closing down.

'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman

Rockwool is closing their factory in Russia

In an attempt to further isolate them

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An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

They're closing sausage factories in Germany

They're calling it the wurst case scenario.

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

That one song about closing the goddamn door.

HaVe YoU eVeR hEaRd Of It?

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

Closing brothel

In a neighbourhood, there was a brothel closing down and selling or giving away furniture. Alongside the furniture was a parrot that was left behind, which had earned an experience from looking around and hearing stuff there. So an elderly wife with two children, a son and a daughter, decided to go ...

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

Did you hear that the guy that makes rings and necklaces out of steel is closing his shop for today?

Yes, it's ferrous jeweller's day off.

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Closing all the tabs after you finish an assignment is like closing all the tabs after you finish watching porn

Except you're the one getting fucked

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A bartender is closing down his bar

A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation.

As the bartender cleans the last few g...

It's closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in...

"No free booze!" says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick." says the homeless man.

The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.

"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. ...

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

Nobody wants to be alone. my old neighbor; newly divorced, beer-belly, balding, and closing on 50...

Hate to say it but -

I don’t like her chances

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An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.

The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.

When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.

To his surprise...

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Did you guys hear they’re thinking about closing the Philadelphia mint?

Im not opposed, it just makes cents

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

My grandfather said: if one door is closing - another will be open

Wise man, but terrible cupboard-maker

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Men can't move their penis without closing their butt...

And that is how you make any man clench their ass.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

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Your butthole closing after you take a poop is the second fastest known reaction in the world

The splash of water that races in is the first

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This thing is closing schools, paralyzing the nation and fucking new yorkers

We need to call it COVID9/11

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

Did ya hear why they're closing down the eunuchs club?

Cause they lost all their members.

What do you call Benedict Cumberbatch closing his front door.?

SherLock Homes

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what's harder than closing your blinds?

My dick as I watch you through them

What do they say when it's closing time at the divorced men's bar?

You don't have to stay here, but you can't go home.

Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

Closing time at the local pub...

....comes around and the first to leave the pub is John. John stumbles out of the door, trips and crawls across the parking lot. For 15 minutes he fumbles in his pockets for his car keys, During which time all of the pub's patrons have already left. John climbs into his car, and starts the engine. <...

A duck stumbles out of a bar at closing time...

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a duck stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for severa...

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. ...

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

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What's faster than your butthole closing after taking a shit?

The single drop of water that always makes its way in.

A man walks into a bakery right before closing time

And asks, "do you have any pita?"

The baker responds, "no, there's naan left."

How do you get a book to stop closing on you?

You break its spine...

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.

He asked if they had a license and, when they didn’t, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards — his where hers belonged and vice versa....

Closing Time at the Bowling Alley

My own "accidental humor" (True Story)

One night, my friends and I were out bowling, and it was getting late. Around the eight frame, the manager said, over the intercom, "We'll be closing in ten minutes," but we figured we had enough time to finish our game.

In the ninth frame, he an...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

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