The 105+ Best Session Jokes

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.

Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

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Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

I went to a faith healing session

at the local community centre last night but it was absolute rubbish.

Even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out..

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As the prostitute finished her session, she said,

“It was a business doing pleasure with you.”

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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. As he rested afterwards, he felt a bit guilty...

He thought it wasn't ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel much better until another voice in his head said, "..... but they probably ...

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said “my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore!” And storms out of the room.

The wife replied “divorce is strong with this one.”

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

My yoga instructor came to the yoga session drunk today

He put me in an awkward position

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A construction worker tells his story at a therapy session

"My name is Dave. I'm a good and honest guy, I'm loyal to my wife and work hard every day. Does anybody call me Dave the Hard Worker? I don't think so"

The doctor replied "Well, normally no one calls anybody that, so you can feel a little better. Continue"

"I've built t...

I went to a psychic, and at the end of session realized she wasn’t legit.

She let me write her a check.

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's...

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

What do you call a disappointing bondage session?

BDSMH

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It's my birthday today and I'm fucking fuming with my family, they all clubbed together to get me a course of psychiatric therapy sessions.

I'd asked for a crossbow.

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You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

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My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £5000.

She must think I'm crazy!!

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband

The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

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Trump, Pence, Bannon, Sessions, Pompeo, Flynn, Priebus, Tillerson.

Not sure Trump knows this but traditionally, you only need 4 horsemen.

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

After 12 years of regular counselling sessions,

my psychiatrist said something that made me cry like a baby.

He said: “No hablo ingles.”

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"How'd the session go with your new therapist?"

"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting."

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

I was at this girls house and we were having a particularly zesty session on her kitchen table. She heard a noise out front and she says, "Oh no! It's my husband! Quick, the back door!!"

In hindsight, I should've ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

What do Jewish men say to each other after a hard session at gym?

"Muscle tough"

A Chinese judge comes out of session.

Meets another judge who asks "What's so funny?"

"Oh, someone just told the best political joke ever."

"Care to share?"

"Can't. Sentenced him to 10 years for it".

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

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A good shit is like a good therapy session.

After letting everything out, you feel all the pressure relieved, and thankfully only one person could hear it.

My dad tried to host a workout session for our family over zoom

It didn’t work out

Wonder Woman walks in on Batman and Robin's training session

Batman asks "Have I ever shown you how to do a side-kick?"

Wonder Woman shouts "BATMAN! THAT IS VERY UNPROFESSIONAL!!"

During a Beatles recording session in the studio, John Lennon says, “Look! Yoko’s here!”

Paul, Ringo and George say, O No

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A husband and wife experiencing a crisis in their relationship have their first session with the marriage counselor.

He wants to start the therapy with something encouraging and motivating, so he asks them: "Tell me one aspect of your personalities that is common for you."

The husband replies with disappointed voice: "None of us gives blowjobs."

I'm inviting everyone reading this, to join me in a session to think about Stephen King's iconic shape-shifting clown.

Come to think of it.

During a hot and sweaty yoga session, a femur and a humerus got real close. What did the humerus say to the femur?

“Quite the trochanter”.

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

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A man walks into a therapist for his first session

Man: “I am extremely scared of the Backstreet Boys, I think they are after me”

Therapist: “Tell me why?”

Man: “oh my god”

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

I used to be against chiropractors until I had a session.

I now stand corrected.

What do you call it when you kill a yoga teacher before a session?

Premeditated murder

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I was in a circle jerk session last weekend..

I came in 2nd and 7th place

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

I wanted to set a record for the highest number of one liners ever read out in one session...

...but I couldn't quite get to my target of 1k.

I stopped just short of 911 jokes.

Patient: Doctor, these therapy sessions haven't really helped me.

Psychiatrist: You've just recently started, you have to give it time. So far you've only come here for a total of 8 or 9 hundred dollars.

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Which Star Wars character would always sneak off set for a cheeky masturbating session?

Obi Wan Kernobi.

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During a drug rehab session

Joke: During a drug rehab session, an addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing crack. When you're addicted to crack you don't have an appetite." The next addict shares, "I lost so much weight doing cocaine. I spent all my money and couldn't afford to eat." The next addict shares, "I lost so much ...

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A quick pint after work turned into a bit of session. I was far too drunk to drive, so I did the sensible thing and took a bus home.

Fuck knows how I managed to park it!

I attended a sign language session.

I was speechless.

An Old man attended a Faith Healing session

The preacher said "Stand up and walk"
Then the old man proceeded to stand up from his wheelchair and slowly walked. The shocked crowd yelled in praise.
The preacher asked him: "How are you feeling now?"
The old man replied: "I still can't see"

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

I've uploaded all my Satan-worshipping sessions to youtube

You can guess they've all been demonetized.

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It's such a shame about tomorrow's session on Prophecies

It got cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

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A Scotsman,

A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session
with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a
very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on
seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt.
They decide to look and discover he’s stark naked....

Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

Will Smith walks into a group therapy session for depression...

“So that’s it, huh? We some kinda suicide squad?”

At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown.

I never knew I had IT in me.

An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels.

When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal ...

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

The pastor is speaking during a normal church session.

One person is sleeping amidst the church crowd. The pastor says "Whoever would like a place in heaven, please stand." Everyone except the sleeping person stands. "Whoever would like a place in hell, please stand." The sleeping guy wakes up, only hearing the 'please stand'. He then stands up and says...

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The worst line to start a sexting session with

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit.

These are their stories.

How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session?

He felt dinosore.

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married...

At a marriage counselling session for men...

... the counseller asked the men to divide themselves into those that always listen to their wives as a group, and those that are able to stand up for themselves as another group.

Expecting a sweeping outcome, the counseller was surprised to see John sitting alone in the group for men able to...

Anybody out there interested in having occasional platonic hangout sessions?

Asking for a friend.

An American woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An English girl."

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airpor...

What's the difference between Jeff Sessions and a book about Jeff Sessions?

The book has a spine.

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What kind of pokemon is a vagina that's just had an extended session of hard sex?

Vulvasore :D

During a military training session, a General with a stern tone addresses a group of young cadets

"If you are captured by the enemy and a beautiful woman walks in to the room, the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut."

Someone from the back of the room asks, "What's the second best thing to do?"

Trump fired Jeff Sessions

The only confederate Monument he is actually willing to take down.

3 months of thorough dedication, proper diet and workout sessions but now the time has come, it is cheat day

can't wait to sleep with my girlfriend's sister.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

“I don’t recall.”

"Mr. Sessions, thank you for agreeing to testify before us today. Could you please tell us, what did you discuss with the Russian ambassador?"

"Our grandchildren."

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

Jeff Sessions was asked why the telemarketing company fired him

He did not recall

AG Sessions is a Keebler elf isolationist

and he is afraid weed is making cookies too mainstream

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

I heard a Jeff Sessions joke yesterday

But I can't recall it now.

A yogi killed a man in the park today...

Allegedly the man wouldn't let the yogi use their favourite spot for their yoga session.

They're calling it pre-meditative murder.

Mr Sessions... Do you swear to give the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

"Da"

How many psychiatrists are needed to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but they'll be more than 20 sessions to find that the lightbulb doesn't need to change.

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

A couple was in Thailand for vacation.

They ordered a massage session for themselves, one for him and one for her.

After massaging the man for 30 minutes, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis."

The man looked sheepish but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseur said again, "Massage ...

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Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the ...

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Therapist Joke.

So something happened to me recently.
You know a shenanigan gone wrong at work.

So because of that wrong doing, I was advised to seek mental guidance in the form of a person who was getting payed to listen to me.

Yes a therapist. Duh hoy.

So I met with said therapist, in whi...

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

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