UPJOKE
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Closed Jokes

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

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A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...

They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and
socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.

"I had tolio," He replied.
"Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress.
He tak...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

Finland have just closed their borders....

Which means no one can cross the finish line.

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

Please keep the bathroom door closed

The dogs have a drinking problem.

(Actual sign on a bathroom door)

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

Nail salons closed, hair salons closed...

It's about to get ugly out there.

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9 out of 10 men keep their eyes closed during sex

I have to keep mine open to look out for my wife

why did schrodinger want a closed coffin?

So he could have equal chance of being alive or dead

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Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

On his deathbed a wife asks her husband about that closed drawer.

He gives her the key and says that he did put an egg there every time he was unfaithful.

The wife opens the drawer and finds two eggs and thousands of dollars in cash.

"OK, two times in 40 years is not that much. But what about the money?". "Every time I had a full dozen eggs I sold th...

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

Did you hear about the origami shop that closed down?

Yeah. I heard it folded.

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

Closed Casket

An elderly couple were driving home from a wedding when they are involved in a head-on. The man is killed instantly, but the wife survives. The old lady explains to the funeral director that her husband had always wanted to be laid out in his good blue suit, but had been wearing it in the accident a...

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

The owners of my local strip club have closed until further notice

Apparently nobody wants to twerk anymore!

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Why do women like to have sex with their eyes closed?

Because they can’t stand to see their husband enjoy themselves.

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."



"Bummer, mate...!!!"



"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

You guys know why Disneyland closed?

It was because of Sneezy.

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

If schools stay closed much longer

I’m worried we’re going to start seeing homeschool shootings soon.

What happened when Finland closed their borders?

Nobody could pass telhe Finnish line!

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

My local brothel is closed due to covid.

The sign on the door says: Beat it, we're closed.

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

Why was the beach next to the power plant closed?

Because it is spark infested waters.

The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff.

They should've hired taller employees


(Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister)

Why are strip clubs closed at night on Nov 3rd?

Because that's when the polls close.

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

Why did they have to a closed casket funeral for the man with the world's worst cold?

He wouldn't stop coffin.

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Whoever closed last night did an absolute shit job of cleaning and prepping for tomorrow

I hate working from home

My friend's drone business closed down recently.

I heard it didn't really take off.

I crashed into a post while driving with my eyes closed

Couldn't see the signs coming

Thanks to COVID-19 both churches and casinos have closed

When heaven and hell both agree on something, you know it's serious!

My favorite Chinese food place is closed for COVID19.

The sign said they would wok from home.

Why is chick fil-a closed on sundays?

They need time to choke their chickens

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

The lizard and snake exhibits at our local zoo just closed down.

Turns out they have a reptile dysfunction.

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I was awakened with a blowjob today

I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

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My friend asked me if my wife closed her eyes during sex.

I told him yes. She'd do anything to keep from seeing me have a good time.

With lots of restaurants closed, Hooters still remains open for delivery orders...

They just go by Knockers now.

Case closed

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

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What do you call closed captioning for a porno?

Subtitties

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I closed Reddit, turned off my phone and stood up.

I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”

Trump Finally Gets His Parade

One of Trump's aide says to him, "Sir, I had a dream you got your parade. It was miles and miles long winding through Washington DC. Joyful Americans lined the route, literally in the millions. People were laughing, cheering, playing in the street. You were riding in the most beautiful carriage."...

With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died?

We can't even prop him up beside the juke box.

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I was supposed to do a talk at a premature ejaculation support group meeting, but the building was closed.

They must have all arrived early.

Two IT workers get married...

At Thanksgiving, their family asks them, "When are you going to have children?"

Couple: "Don't worry, we are working on it. ;)"

Next Thanksgiving, the couple still don't have children and their family asks, "Is there a problem? I thought you were planning to have children?"

Coup...

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