Hours Jokes - 100 Hilarious Hours Jokes

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

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I had sex for three hours last night.

We role-played as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for two hours and 58 minutes.

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours

They called it a day.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

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I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night…

The other 2 were gay, but at least I woke up feeling fulfilled.

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.

There stood her date.

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

I don't want to brag, but I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 3 hours.

The box said 2 to 4 years.

Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.

The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

24 Hour Market

Throwback to my favorite Steven Wright line:

Realized late one night I needed something from the store and remembered there was a 24 hour market down the street.

I went down there and arrived as the shop keeper was closing up the store.

I said, " I thought you were open 24 hour...

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his ...

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

Have you seen the difference 12 hours can make?

It's night and day!

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

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Yesterday I slept for seven hours straight….

…..and for one hour gay.

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It takes a slug three and a half hours to make its way up the front steps of a house. When he finally gets there, he knocks on the door.

A man answers, curses at the slug, bends over, picks it up, and throws it as far as he can.

2 years later, the slug returns and again knocks on the door. The man opens the door, and the slug looks at him and says, "What the fuck was that all about?

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

13 hours ago I was a man in a woman's body.

Then I pulled out.

If you watch 127 Hours backwards

It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours.

A**nd now I'm banned from Currys!**

What happens when you grill the chicken for 2 hours?

It will tell us why it crossed the road.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

By working faithfully eight hours a day,

you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Last Sunday, we had an internet service interruption during a few hours. The kids came out of their room.

We talked a lot. They seem nice.

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

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I ate nothing but beans for 48 hours

I now think I have Ass Purgers syndrome.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.

\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

I heard the new Tom Cruise movie has a run time of 2 hours and 43 minutes.

So then I asked “how long is the rest of the movie?”

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago

The performer went ballistic and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

I don't understand how people can spend hours binging netflix

Surely it's the first search result

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After masterbating for about 3 hours - I finally came…

to the conclusion that I jack off way too much.

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

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Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On an unrelated note, my mum needs a new garden hose.

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

A new study shown that 1l of beer cuts life for 5 hours

By my calculations, i died in 1872

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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would've asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

I got a new job at retail and spend eight hours a day being yelled at and criticized for things that aren't my fault.

I never thought my humiliation fetish would be good for my career.

Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

24 hours a day

I love the way the earth rotates

It really makes my day

24 hour store

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

What kind of doctor do you talk to when you call the hospital after hours?

An On-call-ogist

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(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

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I just had an orgasm that lasted six hours

It’s been a long time coming

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

Flight attendant: "Excuse me, one of our two engines is broken, so we'll be two hours late." After a while, the flight attendant said, "Sorry, the other engine has broken.''

Passenger: “Then we will arrive four hours late, right?"

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?"

I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

If your election lasts more than 48 hours,

consult a physician.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.

That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

I finally got eight hours of sleep

It took me three days, but whatever. :)

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I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.

I tapped that ass all night.

Timmy walked into class 2 hours late

His teacher said "Timmy! Why are you two hours late?"

Timmy said "Teacher, it was so cold and icy out there whenever I took a step forward I slid two steps back."

The teacher said "Then how in the world did you get to school?"

Timmy said "I asked myself the same thing and after...

Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day.

Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns.
Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins.
Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns.

What do you call a clown after you've boiled it for 10 hours?

A laughing stock!

The other night I spent hours and hours putting up a decent bookshelf. Came to sit down and the entire thing collapsed

Guess I've only got myshelf to blame.

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

What sign does the brothel put up in its off hours?

Beat it, were closed.

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

It took my wife six hours to push out our first child.

He’s old enough to live by himself now.

One day on Venus lasts 5,832 hours

The same as one Monday on Earth

What’s red, does 3 flips, and goes 80 miles an hour.

The car I was in a few hours ago.

How do you stump a boomer for hours?

Change the the televisions source input.

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