Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

Did you hear about the guy who left his phone charging overnight?

It overcharged, caught fire and burned the house down.

He was arrested on charges of battery.

Redneck sits next to the silicon valley kid on the overnight train ride

Redneck really wants to sleep, but silicone valley kid won't shut up, describing the wonders of technology.

\- Nowadays I can find an answer to any question, no matter how hard, you just need to know how to use tech!

Redneck really wants to sleep. But the kid keeps showing his gadgets,...

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde and her guide returned from an overnight hike

The blonde went straight to the hotel bar and ordered a stiff drink.

"You look frazzled," the bartender said. "Tough time on the hike?"

"TERRIBLE," she said after downing the drink. "The walking was hard, the weather was bad, and my guide almost died!"

"Really? What happened?" <...

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On the first night my girlfriend and I stayed togather overnight, we made a deal that whoever woke up first had to surprise the other with oral.

I dont understand why she was so pissed when she woke up with my Dick in her mouth.

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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

Did you hear about the village that moved away overnight?

It was unsettling.

What would happen if the United States switched from imperial to metric units overnight?

There would be mass confusion.

An orchard was stripped of all its apples overnight.

Police say their initial investigations have proved fruitless.

Working the overnight shift is so tedious and boring

Every time I go in it's the same shift, different day.

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ...

My Friend Shipped Me To Egypt Overnight

I can't believe it! Its been two days and I'm still in De-Nile.

Do you know why the USSR fell nearly overnight?

Because they stopped Stalin and were Russian!

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

How do you become a millionaire overnight?

Start off a billionaire then make a bunch of bad investments.

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack.

Divorce

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilise the eggs.

&#x200B;

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

&#x200B;

This took a lot of time, so she boug...

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight...

...by his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane crash in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!'
To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr P...

The Surgeon’s Operation

A surgeon urgently left for work one morning after hearing that a new patient just came in with 3 tumors. He got there as quickly as he could, despite living roughly half an hour away. He managed to get to work before any of his coworkers that were capable of operating on the new patient could. He r...

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3 men are traveling at night in the country when their car breaks down.

They see a house and push the car into the gravel drive way.

One of men goes to the door and rings the door bell. A farmer and his daughter answer the door and the man explains the situation.

The farmer agrees to let the 3 of them stay in his barn overnight just as long as they don't ...

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Riding on the bus one day, a businessman notices a very attractive nun...

...sitting amongst the other passengers. The bus comes to a stop and the nun gets off the bus. At the next stop, the businessman gets up to depart the bus but is stopped by the bus driver, who says:

"You know, that attractive nun works at the cemetery and typically stays overnight. I bet if y...

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School Essay Test

A teacher says to her class “Tomorrow morning there will be a set essay writing exam. You are all to be on your best form and well rested overnight”

One lad pipes up with a smirk “What if we are suffering from severe sexual exhaustion Miss?”

“Well,” she replies “you’ll just have to try...

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Group work can be tough...

I'm taking European history for a 'social studies' credit. Closer to the end of the semester we had a group project and my group ended up with the united kingdom as our topic. Almost immediately we ran into problems though because everyone was against group work and organizing this was growing ever ...

Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What’s the WiFi password?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molso...

The Ball Pit

A mother took her eager 3 year old son to a fast food restaurant for lunch. The boy finished his lunch quickly and asked his mom if he could go play in the play area. The restaurant had a special little play area at the side with some tunnels, a slide and a ball pit for kids, filled with plastic bal...

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The bu...

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the cr...

The living forest

There once lived a monk who took care of a sentient forest. The queen of a neighboring country heard of this forest and wanted to see it for herself, so she traveled there to meet the monk and see his forest.

The monk, honored by his esteemed visitor, showed her around, one beautiful grove af...

Area 51

The US Air Force has a high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated.

The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost and sp...

The Zoo Joke (Long)

So there's this zoo, and this zoo isn't very affluent, but, if someone visits the zoo, it is definitely to see their gorilla.

One morning, the workers come in early to open the zoo like normal and find, to their great sadness, that their famous gorilla has died of old age. The zoo staff are ...

A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down.

He hiked several miles to a farmhouse, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight.

“Sure,” said the farmer, “my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they’re off to college, and I’m all by myself, so I have lots of room ...

It's not difficult to be an insomniac

**I became one overnight.**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drinking with Coworkers

John stumbles into the office Friday morning after a night of heavy drinking with his coworkers. Everyone in his department looks worse for the wear, but he is the most visibly affected. After an hour or so of unproductive work, they meet up at the water cooler to discuss the antics of the night b...

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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.



edit: wow this blew up overnight! How do I flair this as racist?

edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.

Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the ri...

Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too i...

A joke about my Jewish Uncle Herschel

My Uncle Hersch and Aunt Sophie were married for 60 years and were both in their 80's.

One night Hersch gets up to use the bathroom and forgets to put the seat down when he's done. An hour later Sophie gets up to do the same thing, and falls right in. Worse yet she gets completely stuck.
<...

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Friedrich Nietzsche opened a club.

Overnight, it became the hottest new place in town. It seemed like everyone was turned away at the door for not meeting dress code. Eventually, one guy shows up and fights the bouncer after being rejected. When he won, the bouncer stripped naked, handed the guy his clothes, and told him he could hea...

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Mental hospital...

A man is brought into a mental hospital late one night, who claims to be Napoleon Bonaparte. Turns out, there is another patient there who also believes he is Napoleon, but is also flamboyantly gay. The director thinks it will be interesting to House them together overnight and see what happens.
...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video...

So, there was a horse who saw a m**e**tal music video, and he thought the guitarist looked really cool.

He said to himself "I want to do that!" and went to the phone book right away. He found som**e**body advertising electric guitar lessons and called the number.

"Hello, I'd like to l...

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Jim walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.

Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"

Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"

Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
...

Did you hear about the terrorist that took steroids?

He blew up overnight.

A farmer is having a bad harvesting season.

Nothing grew. He's trying to think about how to break the news to his wife and kids. They'll lose the house. They could starve. They spent so many hours tilling the fields and breaking their backs and they have nothing to show for it. He thinks of all the hours of his children's youth that he stole ...

The Golden Mouse

I was playing Terraria when I caught a golden mouse. I told my wife, 'I just caught a punchline.'

'What do you mean.'

'I caught a golden mouse. It's the punchline to any number of racist jokes.'

'Really?'

So I went into the one I knew best.

A man is having mouse pr...

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Grandma and grandpa were visiting their kids

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pil...

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A very rich man gave birth to a son.

On the son's sixteenth birthday, The man asked him what he wanted, and said that he would get anything his heart could desire. The son only asked for a pink ping pong ball. His father was curious, but complied. After they had cake and ice cream and the son opened his presents, he went up to his room...

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

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Bill Cosby went hunting

Bill Cosby went hunting in the mountains with his banker and lawyer, but their car broke down on the return trip. While hiking back to civilization, they came across a very small farmhouse, and asked to use the phone. The local towing company couldn't do anything until the next day, but the farmer g...

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A traveling salesman's car breaks down in a rural town in the middle of the night...

After walking several miles he happens across a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and explains his predicament to the farmer.
"Well" says the farmer "there's no mechanic that will be able to tend to your car until morning but I can't have you sleeping on the road side. You can shack-up in the bar...

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Young Indian Brave.

Once there was a young Indian Brave who could never do anything right. After years of being teased by the Tribe he had enough and wanted out. He went to the Chief and told him he no longer wanted to be part of the Tribe. Puzzled, the great old Chief said that no one but Death had ever left the tribe...

A joke my Pastor told during the sermon today

Two brothers are staying overnight at their Grandma's house. The Grandma says, "Now, don't forget to say your prayers before you go to bed tonight!" So they both get ready for bed and are sitting in the bedroom. Kneeling beside the bed, the older brother then begins to pray, "Dear God, I wish I coul...

People are like snowflakes.

If you crush them into a ball and leave them in your freezer overnight, they're dangerous to throw at other people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife is tired of doing everything, husband says it'll be okay.

**Husband:** "Babe, did you say you were making dinner? or what? I can't remember"

**Wife:** *Sighs* "I just wish you'd take some initiative and cook your own dinner for once...I've been at work too you know. So, what, now I come home and get to cook dinner, pack the dishwasher and then unpac...

A long-range trucker was returning home for the holidays

He was looking forward to seeing his family. However, the snows of December were coming in, and eventually it was a full blizzard. He decided to pull over and stay overnight in a little town. The next morning, he went to a diner to get breakfast. He saw eggs benidict on the menu. The waiter said it ...

I was walking through the park the other day

(NSFW) When I saw a frog sitting on a rock. As I walked past the frog said to me "Here mate, come here a second" and I was shocked! "WTF!! How can you talk??" The frog replies "I'm a magic frog, ofc I can talk" and I'm like "There's no such things as magic frogs" and he says "Fine I'll prove it! I''...

Jane Smith

John Smith's wife, Jane, was very ill, so John brought her to the hospital, where he left her overnight. He returned the next day to pick her up, and the Doctor approached him. "Good morning, Doctor. How is Jane?" The Doctor responded, "Sir, we had a little mixup last night. There were two women tha...

We need to start investing more in solar energy

But it's not just going to happen overnight

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fil...

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

A barber, a bald man, and a professor are on the road... [JOKE FROM ANCIENT ROME]

A barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor taking a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, ...

The Lonely Widow

Jack and Joe go on a road trip, but after driving for an hour, the car breaks down. They get it working, but they're seriously delayed and will never make it to the hotel they were going to stay at in time.

Upon seeing a farmhouse just off the road, they drive in, and ask if they can park in ...

The metamorphosis

One day, Franz Kafka's sister goes to wake her brother up only to discover that overnight, he has transformed into a giant hideous bug. Terrified, she calls out "Mother! Mother! Come quick. Look at what has happened to Franz!"

Her mother rushes to her son's bedroom only to see him transforme...

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Doctor, Machine and Patient... Joke Only For Adults

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away. The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), a...

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Sex is like a snowstorm...

Sex is like a snowstorm: It's advertised a beautiful, in reality gets messy very quickly, and if you take 10" overnight you are *not* moving the next day.

You know what I want

A guy taking a overnight train settles down in his bunk in the sleeper car, he hears someone climb into the bunk below him. He looks down behind the curtain, its a beautiful blonde woman. She takes off her blouse and removes her falsies, she takes off her false eyelashes, she removes a fake eye, tak...

1.What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage?

WATAAAH!

2.What is Bruce Lee's favorite hamburger?
WHOPPAH!

3.Which hotel does Bruce Lee stay overnight?
HYAAAAATT!

So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet?

My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...