UPJOKE
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A Few Jokes

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab...

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Last night I was out for a few drinks.

One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.


Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.


Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers...

I threw a boomerang a few years ago

I now live in constant fear

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

I’ve seen a few jokes about dwarfs recently and I’m sick of it.

My girlfriend has dwarfism, and is kinder and works harder than anyone I know. She deserves respect and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by you lot.

In fact, to make it up to her I’m going to make her a lovely meal, pour her a glass of wine, and run her a nice hot sink.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

A few years ago I was studying abroad...

...in Egypt. I was attending a beautiful university in the capital city, having a wonderful time.

One day I had a pretty important test to take, and I stayed up way too late cramming for it. I slept terribly and woke up with a crick in my neck and pain all throughout my back and shoulders. <...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

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I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked, but after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said.

"Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

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So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .

And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for...

Joke I read on Facebook a few years ago.

A man came into a shop with a
'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I- I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,"

said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s...

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

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A few years ago, baby boy was born without eyelids…

so when they circumsized him, the plastic surgeon used the foreskin to make eyelids. Now he walks around cockeyed.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

A homeless guy asked me for a few bucks

I thought: "I don't want my money to be wasted on booze and drugs." So I gave it to him.

My doctor said I only got a few months left.

So I gave him a shoot and the judge gave me another 20 years.

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

Found this on YouTube a few years ago

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest b...

A man is having a few beers in a bar

and finally decides to call it a night. He calls the bartender over to settle his bill and the bartender says, "I'll cut your tab in half if you give that guy over there a ride home. He can't drive but he lives near here and you'd be doing me a big favor." The man says sure, no problem and gets the ...

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

&nbsp;

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

A few nights ago I was preparing to go to sleep…

As I get into bed I hear a loud crashing noise so I get up panicked and open my door and a voice downstairs said “dont worry the cat just knocked over another vase”

So I calm down and go to bed and then I think to myself “wait I don’t own a cat”

A few weeks ago I ordered my favorite Eastern European mail order bride!

Still waiting. My Czech is still in the mail.

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

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A woman's birthday was in just a few days...

Her husband asked her if she could have anything she wanted on her birthday, no matter how impossible, what would it be?

The wife told him "It's kind of silly, but I'd really like to be six again."

That gave the husband a great idea for a big surprise. On the morning of her birthday, h...

I Was in Russia a few weeks ago

And I was watching a stand up comedian making jokes about Putin. To be honest I didnt really care for the jokes, but I liked the execution.

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

A few days ago, I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen..

listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the ...

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ...

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I ...

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I just took a shit a few minutes ago

When I told my friend, he said that it was “fucking disgusting” and that I should “put it back in the toilet and flush the goddamn thing”

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

I got thrown off of a TV commercial set a few years ago.

We were filming an ad for Taco Bell. The director didn't like being corrected. He kept saying "That's a wrap" when clearly it was a Taco Supreme.

a joke that i saw in a youtube video a few years back

Two markets were flying in the the sky, when suddenly Market 1 stops and says "Wait a minute, markets don't fly", to which Market 2 responds "Oh, right" before falling down to the ground. Upon landing Market 2 looks up and sees Market 1 still up above, so he shouts "Why are you still flying? Markets...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

There are a few hidden advantages of being a citizen of Switzerland.

Their flag itself…is a big plus.

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

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Three guys are having a few beers and talking about how dumb their wives are.

Guy1: My wife is so dumb she wants to spend $15,000 to redo the kitchen and she can't even cook.

Guy 2: That's nothing. My wife wants me to buy her a new $50,000 car and she can't even drive yet.

Guy 3: My wife is dumber that both of them. She bought 3 boxes of condoms to take on a bus...

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A rich man and a poor man were sitting at the bar, having a few drinks

They got to chatting and after a while, realised both of their wedding anniversaries were the next day.

Poor man : What did you get your wife then, for tomorrow?

Rich man : I got her a pink ferrari and a diamond ring.

Poor man : Wow, what made you choose those gifts?

...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

Last Sunday, we had an internet service interruption during a few hours. The kids came out of their room.

We talked a lot. They seem nice.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.





\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

An group of Asian men robbed my house a few nights ago.

The police said it was clearly a case of Chinese Take-Away.

Two old men, close to their last days, decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel...

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the ...

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

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I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

A few months ago, a friend of ours decided to quit his job to try to become a mime.

Haven’t heard from him since.

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago

The performer went ballistic and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

I used to work in a circus for a few years. I was quite handy.

I was the only person who could get the tent back in the bag.

A few thousand years ago an Arab guy made the very first condom out of a goat’s intestines.

A little after the Greeks perfected it by taking the organs out of the goat first.

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

I helped make a joke but it won’t be ready for a few months.

I hope it’s a boy.

Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?

He was a neck romancer.

A few days ago, a friend told me, "I didn't get any of your jokes."

I guess I should send them again...

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

I would love to lose a few pounds.

But I never lose. I'm a winner!

Joke from a few years ago at work.

A few years ago a group of my coworkers were asking what the strings on corn is called.

I chimed in almost immediately and said "Ear hair."

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A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...

The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.

It's because the cons outweigh the pros.

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Here’s one my dad told me a few months ago:

Billy the Kid, the great bandit of the Wild West, is finally captured by the long arm of the law. For all of his crimes, he is sentenced to life in prison. Before he is slammed up, the sheriff allows Billy three final wishes.

“For my first wish,” Billy says, “I’d like to make a request to my ...

.......but we try to have a few outside interests as well.’

A woman from Chicago attended a party in New York where
the hostess was determined to make her mid-west guest feel
cheap and unimportant.
‘My dear,’ said the New York matron snobbishly, ‘here in the
east we think breeding is everything.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the Chicago woman. ‘Wh...

I told my friend, “ I was really depressed after I broke all my fingers in a car accident a few months ago.”

He said, “How do you feel now?”

I said, “With my elbows, mostly.”

A couple had been dating for a few months.

And they decided to consummate the relationship.

As they were driving to the hotel the man says, “Just so you know I am really nervous about doing this, you see I am built like a baby boy down there.”

She replies, “OMG I bet that was really hard to to confess too! And I am so relieved...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few hours

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

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A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead

Turns out I can’t drive a bus very well when I’m drunk either

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

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An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.

The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?"

To which the Aussie replies, "Dunno, mate, but I do know it'll make us even."

A few members of the Obsessive Compulsive support group decided to start a band

The called it OCDC

A substitute teacher is calling roll for a class and notices a few kids are missing.

One boy comes in 5 minutes late. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. The sub marks him late and the boy takes his seat.

Another boy comes in 5 minutes later. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. T...

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

Great news! My son was born a few days ago!

I've been waiting for the dad jokes to kick in but I guess I still have to wait a bit.
In other news, the mail man on my street quit his job and became a comedian.

A few years ago, I saw a Hispanic magician

My favorite trick was at end, when he said he would dissappear at the count of three.

And he started counting "Uno...."

"Dos.... "

And poof, he was gone. Without a Tres.

A Ranger, a Bayou, and a few Marines

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger ...

A few months ago I lost the retaining clip while replacing a shear pin on my snowblower. I found it today after the snow melted.

>!Welcome back, cotter!!<

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

A few puns make me numb.

But math puns make me number.

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

Since there have been a few math jokes lately...

Q1. What do you get if you cross a mountain lion with a mountain goat?

A1. ||mountain lion|| ||mountain goat|| sin θ


Q2. What do you get when you cross a mountain lion with a mountain climber?

A2. You can't - the mountain climber is a scalar.

“A few years back when I’ve been on vacation in the Alps, my wife got pregnant. The year after that, a vacation in the Rockies, my wife got pregnant. Two years after that, a vacation in Aruba, my wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…...” “So what are you going to do?”

“I think I’m going to have to take her with me this year, just in case.”

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

Got a ferret a few days ago (old joke maybe repost)

My wife cried"What about the awful smell?"
I answered "He'll get used to it!"

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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I took a few pages from Moby Dick and boiled them to see what it tasted like.

It was just okay, but I might not do it again. It was a novel tea.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.

That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy, Richard, asked me to help him with "a few things" around the house.

When I arrived, he had an empty truck out the front. He wanted me to help transfer all his furniture to his new house that was over an hour away. I told him it was a Dick move.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

So my girlfriend came back from Abroad after a few Months

I went to pick her up at the airport.

Then I saw her and thought she put on some weight. Being scared that she might get angry if I called her fat I told her:

Honey I love you so much right now that when I look at you, I dont see anything else..

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Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

I have a few questions about the Buck Rogers TV series from 1979.

Never mind. I'll check Twikipedia.

I know quite a few terrorist.....

They are all mind blowin people.

I'm getting a new puppy in a few days.

Gonna name him after the Roman God Stimulus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

If you meet a person who own a few thousand bees, marry them.

They're a keeper.

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