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Twine Jokes

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

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A man goes to see a fortune teller

A man goes to see a fortune teller. The teller was renowned for their abilities, but even more so for their strange curios. The man walks into the fortune teller's shop, and immediately sees the teller, and a man curled up on the floor in a pool of his own blood.

"What's with him?"

"...

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A man and his mother-in-law bought a new mattress, but there was no room in the car for the both of them and the mattress.

Luckily, the man had a ball of twine in his pocket, and after driving 25 miles, they safely got the mattress home unscathed.

Later that night, the mother-in-law came home and bitched out at him when she hit a low bridge while she was tied on top of the car.

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

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There is this guy who has this major crush on this girl that works at the bar he hangs out at. He would love to talk to her but every time he sees her he gets the biggest boner.

One day he
noticed her behind the bar and quickly sat on a
bar stool. He felt this was the perfect chance
to talk to her knowing that if he got a boner it
would be hidden under the bar top. They get to
talking and he finally asks her out. She said yes
and the man was ecstatic, h...

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How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Englishman, Frenchman and New Yorker Meet The Cannibals

Oldie but goodie

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker are out exploring, and they're captured by cannibals. The king of the cannibals says "We're going to eat you now, because we're cannibals and that's what we do. But we're not savages like we used to be, so we're not going to tortur...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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