UPJOKE
packetbundleyardfieldpackageportionpackallotmentlottractparksharecontainerpiece of landparcel of land

I was delivering a parcel. I walked up to the front door and knocked, before noticing a sign.

"If not in, leave with neighbours."

I tried one more time and nobody answered, so I walked to their neighbour's front door.

A young couple answered. I said, "Get in the van, I've been told to take you with me."

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Apparently there's a new sex position called Parcel Force.

You stay in all day and no one comes

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

Some delivery guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I replied, "You've got the wrong house then, haven't you?"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor.

I think I've got the shakes.

A fantasy joke

A dwarf rides up to a brothel on the back of a donkey holding a honeycomb wrapped in oilskin. He walks up to the madam.

"My good woman, I've been alone on the road for weeks. I would trade you this donkey," he said, gesturing at the beast he rode in on, "For a room and a woman, and this honey...

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

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Donald Trump had a parcel of land with two buildings on it. One building he rented out to be used as a strip club, the other he rented out to be used as a porn shop.

Trump was therefore the Lessor of two evils.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

What is Ravioli's favourite party game?

Pasta parcel

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

I have decided to wrap myself up and sell my body.

I told the mail man to put a stamp on me and drop me as a parcel to whoever accepts me.
I just view myself as a bag of energy, but my intellectualism goes over people’s head.

Sadly, no one gets me.

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An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

*For Harry Potter fans* What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak?

Parcel-tongue

A woman and her 4yo son are driving to a new drive through letter distribution service.

A woman is driving with her son in the back seat to a new drive through service that allows for letter and parcel drop offs without having to get out of the car. It's supposed to be convenient.

When she gets there to drop off her letter there's a boom gate and a sign that says, "this boom gat...

What did the ravioli play on his birthday?

Pasta Parcel.

Ding Dong

"Hi sir, UPS, I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour"

"Oh then you've got the wrong house sir, he lives over there, bye"

A good friend of mine died last week.

A good friend of mine died last week. His wife asked me to speak at his funeral, but to please keep it short. When the time came, I was pretty emotional, but I was able to do it. I stood up, walked to the front of the room, and said "A small parcel of undeveloped land". I guess it was what she wante...

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I went to an ISIS birthday party once

The musical chairs were slow but fuck me pass the parcel was quick.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

What do you call a mailman who only delivers bills on his route?

Bill Parcells

Bad Couriers

I sent recently sent Reddit a joke about receiving parcels. Half of the viewers said they didn't get it. Must've been a problem with the delivery.

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today. I woke up in a great mood and I KNEW my parcel was being delivered today, so I thought I’d try and make the postman’s day a little better too. So I had breakfast, made myself a coffee and sat by the door waiting for him.

11am, he strolls up th...

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

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Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner?...

What is the fastest game in the states right now?

Pass the parcel

Negligence

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?”

“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but...

What Language Does a Mailman Speak?

Parcel-tongue

An Englishman, Frenchman and American are caught by a tribe of Cannibals....

And cannot escape. They do however get to chose the method of their deaths.

the American goes first, surrounded by the tribe, his friends tied up watching, he asks for his shotgun and one shell. He declares "Long live the dollar and the American way!" And puts the muzzle up under his chin and...

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was....

He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.

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