I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor.

I think I've got the shakes.

What do you call a mailman who only delivers bills on his route?

Bill Parcells

My wife put me in charge of buying prizes for the games at our 5 year old's birthday party.

I got a bag of fusilli and a bag of penne. They're going to love pasta parcel.

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Apparantly theres a new sex position called the Parcel Force ...

You stay in all day waiting for a big package, but no one comes.

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said "You've got the wrong house then, mate"

Created a profile on Tinder

when I was in California and in my bio had California >< Florida on it. Got a match who said she right swiped because she wanted a parcel delivered from California to Florida . Apparently I have been Fedex zoned .

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

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A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves woul...

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

What is the fastest game in the states right now?

Pass the parcel

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I went to an ISIS birthday party once

The musical chairs were slow but fuck me pass the parcel was quick.

What langue do UPS men speak?

Parcel Tongue

A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.

But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.

“The problem,” she said, “is that’s a piece of prime real estate.”

At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

It's the year 1987...

Last year the space station Mir appeared to be launched into orbit. The key word being appeared. The space station is actually just a hologram designed to fool the United States! Right here on Earth exists a tiny scale replica, containing tiny versions of every item that would go up in a real shuttl...

What Language Does a Mailman Speak?

Parcel-tongue

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

Butcher Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She ...

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Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner?...

*For Harry Potter fans* What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak?

Parcel-tongue

An Englishman, Frenchman and American are caught by a tribe of Cannibals....

And cannot escape. They do however get to chose the method of their deaths.

the American goes first, surrounded by the tribe, his friends tied up watching, he asks for his shotgun and one shell. He declares "Long live the dollar and the American way!" And puts the muzzle up under his chin and...

I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was....

He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.

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Halloween Joke

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed ...

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