You need to put another stamp on this parcel as it’s to heavy

But another stamp will just make it heavyer

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor.

I think I've got the shakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparantly theres a new sex position called the Parcel Force ...

You stay in all day waiting for a big package, but no one comes.

Some delivery guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I replied, "You've got the wrong house then, haven't you?"

I'm starting a Shakespearean delivery company.

We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

What is Ravioli's favourite party game?

Pasta parcel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump had a parcel of land with two buildings on it. One building he rented out to be used as a strip club, the other he rented out to be used as a porn shop.

Trump was therefore the Lessor of two evils.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

Ding Dong

"Hi sir, UPS, I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour"

"Oh then you've got the wrong house sir, he lives over there, bye"

A woman and her 4yo son are driving to a new drive through letter distribution service.

A woman is driving with her son in the back seat to a new drive through service that allows for letter and parcel drop offs without having to get out of the car. It's supposed to be convenient.

When she gets there to drop off her letter there's a boom gate and a sign that says, "this boom gat...

I have decided to wrap myself up and sell my body.

I told the mail man to put a stamp on me and drop me as a parcel to whoever accepts me.
I just view myself as a bag of energy, but my intellectualism goes over people’s head.

Sadly, no one gets me.

My wife put me in charge of buying prizes for the games at our 5 year old's birthday party.

I got a bag of fusilli and a bag of penne. They're going to love pasta parcel.

What did the ravioli play on his birthday?

Pasta Parcel.

A good friend of mine died last week.

A good friend of mine died last week. His wife asked me to speak at his funeral, but to please keep it short. When the time came, I was pretty emotional, but I was able to do it. I stood up, walked to the front of the room, and said "A small parcel of undeveloped land". I guess it was what she wante...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today. I woke up in a great mood and I KNEW my parcel was being delivered today, so I thought I’d try and make the postman’s day a little better too. So I had breakfast, made myself a coffee and sat by the door waiting for him.

11am, he strolls up th...

Bad Couriers

I sent recently sent Reddit a joke about receiving parcels. Half of the viewers said they didn't get it. Must've been a problem with the delivery.

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

Greek Philosopher Gets A Suit

A Greek Philosopher walks into a tailor's office and asks for 300 suits to be delivered to him.


The tailor offers some proposals: "I can send those in plastic bags, or I could even send those in parcels."


The Greek philosopher replies : "no, no, no I would like them to be deliv...

What do you call a mailman who only delivers bills on his route?

Bill Parcells

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to an ISIS birthday party once

The musical chairs were slow but fuck me pass the parcel was quick.

Shipment/Cargo

When parcel is delivered in Car it’s called SHIPMent . When delivered in Ship it’s called CARgo

What’s a postman’s favourite herb?

Parcel-y

Created a profile on Tinder

when I was in California and in my bio had California >< Florida on it. Got a match who said she right swiped because she wanted a parcel delivered from California to Florida . Apparently I have been Fedex zoned .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

At Indian Restaurant

"Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!"
"Samosa?"
"No, thank you, I'm full now."

*For Harry Potter fans* What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak?

Parcel-tongue

What langue do UPS men speak?

Parcel Tongue

What is the fastest game in the states right now?

Pass the parcel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sat waiting for a bus in Wales.

The older one turns to the younger one and says "Do you see those old mines down there in the valley? Twenty years I spent down there, man and boy, quarrying the coal out of the rock. Without me none of the houses up there would have had coal for the winter. And do they call me Dewey the Coal Miner?...

What Language Does a Mailman Speak?

Parcel-tongue

It's the year 1987...

Last year the space station Mir appeared to be launched into orbit. The key word being appeared. The space station is actually just a hologram designed to fool the United States! Right here on Earth exists a tiny scale replica, containing tiny versions of every item that would go up in a real shuttl...

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

An Englishman, Frenchman and American are caught by a tribe of Cannibals....

And cannot escape. They do however get to chose the method of their deaths.

the American goes first, surrounded by the tribe, his friends tied up watching, he asks for his shotgun and one shell. He declares "Long live the dollar and the American way!" And puts the muzzle up under his chin and...

I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was....

He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter.

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