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Don't you love it when you curl out a massive shit and it touches the water before it breaks off?

Well I had one of those this morning.


And now I'm banned from the diving boards.

They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

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toe curl

A virgin is finally getting his groove on with a willing young lady for the first time. Afterwards he's got a few questions about the experience and has to ask, What's the deal with your toes curling up every time I put my dick in you. Well she responded, you were so eager to get it on you didn't gi...

A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”

She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder...

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.


The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

Guy walks into a barber shop..

..and says “Chuck Wood here?”

Barber says “no we cut hair.”

Guy says “yeah obviously...I’m looking for my friend Chuck Wood.”

Barber says “oh yeah, he is over there getting in some curls.”

Guy says “Chuck doesn’t lift weights.”

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Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


Upon entering,...

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The Assassin

Two men had a tee time, and were about to get started when a man approached them, said he was alone and asked if he could join them. The two men agreed.

Making small talk, the subject of their professions came up. After the first two described their boring desk jobs, the third man said "I'm a...

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My friends and I get bullied a lot

I was at school, going to the lunchroom with my friends- James (he has Parkinson's Disease), Alex (he's mute), Megan (she's completely blind in both eyes), Abby (she has asthma) and Hayley (she's albino). I myself am paralyzed from the waist down and so I need to use a wheelchair. Since my friends a...

Guy meets a girl at the bar...

... and they get along really well. They decide to take it back to her place. On the cab ride they get frisky, the elevator ride up they're getting riled up, and by the time they get in the door they strip off in a mad fit of passion and drop to the floor right there, going at it at her request.
...

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Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...

Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, y...

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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

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An Englishman, Irishman, and Scot walk into a bar

They all get a pint and amazingly, at the exact same moment, 3 flies appear, each one landing in one of the pints.

The Englishman curls his lip and pushes the pint away, asking for another.

The Irishman picks out the fly and drinks the beer.

The Scot grabs the fly by the wings a...

Two sharks are swimming in the sea...

One shark sees a school of sardines, and says "bro you hungry?" and the other shark says "nah, I'm good. You go for it." So the first shark swims right into the sardines, and nom-nom-noms on hundreds of the little fishes. Minutes later, the shark curls up in pain. "Oooh, aaaagh, uuuurgh...." the sec...

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One day, a kid ran home to his parents to tell him something bad that happened in school...

The kid told his dad "a kid called me bastard at school!" His dad replied, "Don't worry, bastard means boy, like bitches means girl." Later, he walked into his parent's bathroom, where his mom was doing her hair and she dropped the curler, and yelled "Shit!" The kid asked, "Mom, what does shit mean...

A blind man goes on vacation

A blind man goes on vacation. He's never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he's amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he's ever sat in.

"Wow, this seat...

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Requesting jokes which need physical/pantomime to work - like this one.

**The Octopus**

A man is taking a long business trip overseas so he asks his friend to take care of his pet octopus while he is away. The friend agrees and asks what he has to do.

"It's simple" says the man "all you have to do it take the octopus out of his tank once a week and put it...

I've Studied Various Religions

And here's what I found:

* Christianity was too cross.

* Islam kept dropping bombs on me.

* Buddhism kept repeating itself.

* Hinduism made me have a cow.

* and Judaism made my hair curl.

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day finall...

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

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Duke!

A young man goes to pick up his date. When he gets to the door she's not ready and her father invites him in. He takes a seat on a big chair in the living room and begins to talk to her father. Within a few minutes, he realizes that he has to let go a really big fart. The pressure continues to build...

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An Arab wandering through the Sahara

finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.

"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."

"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"

"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you v...

Sometimes I come up with a punchline so terrible...

...so contrived and unfunny, that a mob forms around me brandishing flaming torches and pitchforks.

It happens frequently enough that I've devised a getaway technique for just this type of occasion...I run to the top of the nearest hill, curl up in a ball and throw myself down the other side ...

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Respect and Blowjobs

A girl and boy meet in high school and fall in love. They do everything together and eventually lose their virginity to one another, but the girl refuses to give him a blowjob. "I'm sorry," she says. "I love you so much and I'd do anything else in the world for you, but I'm afraid you'd lose resp...

The Late Wife (@midnite)

A man goes to a bar and notices a fairly attractive woman. He stares at her for a very long time and she begins to become concerned. Was he crazy? Did he know her from somewhere? She tried to pass it off but an hour later the man had yet to shift his gaze. A little drunk, and stricken with 'courage'...

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God and St. Peter have a meeting in Heaven

They're discussing and God decides that it's getting to crowded so he decides to implement a new rule. From now on in order to get in the newly deceased has to describe their last day to St Peter and if he decides it was a bad day they are admitted.

So St Peter goes back to his post at the Pe...

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Little Johnny goes camping

Little Johnny's Second Grade class is going camping for a class field trip. As nighttime comes, all the children get set up in their tents and get ready to fall asleep. A few hours go by, a storm approaches and thunder begins clapping, and little Johnny can't seem to sleep. Little Johnny gets out of...

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A young man is getting married...

...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a virgin (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.

The friend gives him details ...

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