UPJOKE
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Loop Jokes

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...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop.

Which really pisses me off, because that's what...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

One bird can't finish an entire bowl of Fruit Loops...

...but Toucan.
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What do you call an X-Wing pilot who makes too many loop-de-loops?

Puke Skywalker
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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

What is the legal loop hole in breaking and entering laws?

The Santa Clause
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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop...

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.
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I would have told an infinite loop joke

But you’d never hear the end of it
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I was going to make a joke about being in a time loop...

But then I realised I was going to make a joke about being in a time loop... But then I realised I was going to make a joke about being in a time loop... But then I realised I was going to make a joke about being in a time loop... But then I realised I was going to make a joke about being in a time ...
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No? Huh, you must be out of the loop.

Hey, did you hear about the guy stuck in a time paradox?
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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios?

Toucan play at that game
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Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game
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Why are Saudi Arabians out of the loop?

Because they live under Iraq!
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Infinity loop

a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"

Infinite loop explained

Boss calls his secretary: "Get ready for the weekend, we are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls her husband: "I've to go on a business trip this weekend so take care of yourself"

The husband calls his girlfriend: "Wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"...
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There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...
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What do get after you eat Front Loops?

Front Poops. Courtesy of my 9yr old daughter.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop?

To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ...
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What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.
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If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.
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After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios
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How did the Redditor get stuck in a loop?

I don't know, check the post above me.
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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

I used to be in a relationship with a Möbius loop

It was very one-sided.
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A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...
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TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks

His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"
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Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.
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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

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Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for br...

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...
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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...
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A guy goes in to join the circus.

The ringmaster looks at him and says, "This isn't like the old days, kid. We don't just take anyone off the street anymore. You have to have some kind of unique talent."

The guy pleads with him, "Just give me a minute and I'll show you what I can do."

The ringmaster says, "Ok, you have...
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A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.

She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"

Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"
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Knock knock .

Who's there?


"Help me I'm a time traveller stuck in a time loop"

Knock knock

Who's there


"Help me I'm a time traveller stuck in a time loop"


Knock knock ...
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Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.
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They put in a roundabout on my route to my parents' house.

It really threw me for a loop.

Note: tried this on my parents that night and went right over their heads.
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The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...
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Girls: Anal sex does not preserve your virginity.

Your poophole is not a loophole.

A string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The...
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A blind man walks into a department store..

And after hesitantly taking a moment to listen to the sounds of his surroundings, he proceeds to the middle of the store, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around by its’ leash in wide looping circles above his head.

Seeing this unfold, a store clerk quickly runs over before inte...
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Two boys were playing in their room about to go for breakfast.

One 8, one 5.

The 8 year old looks at his brother and says, "You know what, I think it's about time we can curse. We should give it a try."

"Oh, I dont know about that, mom could get mad at us!"

"Thats silly, we're big boys now, we can do it."

"Ok, I can try."

"Jus...

Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago...

...I really feel like I’m out of the Loop.
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Fighter jock and the cargo pilot

A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.

The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.

"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceed...
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Old airforce joke

A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radioes the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioes back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my be...
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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

Cerealsly amazing joke

Once upon a time, there was a Cheerio who wanted something to do with his life, because it sucked. He decided he wanted to marry someone. So, one day, he went to the town square and saw a beautiful Fruit Loop. He went up to her and tried to ask her out on a date, but before he could get any words ou...
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3 pieces of string walk up to a bar

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar. The first piece of string says I am going to get a drink. He walks up to the bartender and says " Bartender give me a drink!" The bartender replies, "Are you a piece of string?" and the string replies, "Yes I am!" The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't ser...
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A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that...
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The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

What do you call making four left turns while vaping?

A Juulers loop.
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Not one bit.

"KSSSHHHT. This is your captain speaking. As you all know, this will be my last flight. It has always been my dream to do a loop-the-loop, and was wondering if you all would enjoy experiencing that with me today? It would really mean the world to me..."

The 1st Class and Coach cabins go wild ...

Men vs Women

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,...
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A piece of string goes in a bar...

A piece of string goes in a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve string here."

The string comes back later and the same bartender off working there and kicks him out.

The piece of string unravels his ends and loops around and throug...
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Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...
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