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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

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…he said last time, we're stuck in a time loop

Which really pisses me off because that's what...

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthu...

Flying over the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring ...

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

About the chicken and a donkey

On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arri...

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A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.

What's the worst part about having two dads?

Twice the dad jokes.

**Bonus**

What's the worst part about having two moms?

Getting stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

Fifty Dollahs Is Fifty Dollahs

Herman and Zelda meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them. Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the...

No? Huh, you must be out of the loop.

Hey, did you hear about the guy stuck in a time paradox?

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

They put in a roundabout on my route to my parents' house.

It really threw me for a loop.

Note: tried this on my parents that night and went right over their heads.

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

Why are Saudi Arabians out of the loop?

Because they live under Iraq!

I was going to make a joke about a Mobius Loop

But it was too one sided

TIL the creator of Corn Pops also invented Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, and Apple Jacks

His tombstone just says "cereal entrepreneur"

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Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties

He said they punched his rights out.

A piece of string goes in a bar...

A piece of string goes in a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve string here."

The string comes back later and the same bartender off working there and kicks him out.

The piece of string unravels his ends and loops around and throug...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted...

A string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The...

What's a looping funny video with increasingly deep meanings?

The gif that keeps on giving.




Happy holidays!

How did the Redditor get stuck in a loop?

I don't know, check the post above me.

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Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for br...

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop?

To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ...

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Infinity loop

a woman walks into her hypnotherapists office and says " Doctor, I have been loyal to my husband for 12 years but, last night I broke that loyalty and had an affair. I just want you to make me forget it happened". The Doctor said " Not again"

Infinite loop explained

Boss calls his secretary: "Get ready for the weekend, we are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls her husband: "I've to go on a business trip this weekend so take care of yourself"

The husband calls his girlfriend: "Wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"...

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

Aerobatic piloting

A man goes on a flight with an aerobatic pilot. To warm it up a bit he does a very tight curve. Through the radio the pilot hears the man saying "Well, well, just as expected!". The pilot, feeling a bit challenged flies a screw in the other direction as tight as he can. Again he hears the man saying...

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Girls: Anal sex does not preserve your virginity.

Your poophole is not a loophole.

Men vs Women

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,...

A fighter pilot finishes refueling from a refueling plane.

The fighter pilot, feeling superior, gets on the radio and tells the refueling pilot to watch this. The fighter pilot goes through an array of aerial acrobatics. Tight twists, loops, and s-curves. He gets back on the radio and tells the refueling pilot he must be jealous cause his plane cant do that...

Cerealsly amazing joke

Once upon a time, there was a Cheerio who wanted something to do with his life, because it sucked. He decided he wanted to marry someone. So, one day, he went to the town square and saw a beautiful Fruit Loop. He went up to her and tried to ask her out on a date, but before he could get any words ou...

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

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Two boys were playing in their room about to go for breakfast.

One 8, one 5.

The 8 year old looks at his brother and says, "You know what, I think it's about time we can curse. We should give it a try."

"Oh, I dont know about that, mom could get mad at us!"

"Thats silly, we're big boys now, we can do it."

"Ok, I can try."

"Jus...

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

A man and his wife attends an airshow

The man sees a small aeroplane with an open roof and beautiful aesthetics. On a sign beside the plane wrote "100 dollars for a flight per person" The man asked his wife "can we take a flight? It is my dream to take a flight in this beautiful plane." His wife said "No, 200 dollars is too much money"<...

Buggy Ride

An Amish woman is driving her horse and buggy down the road when she gets pulled over.

"You have a broken reflector on your buggy," says the cop. "But, more important, one of your reins is looped around that part of the horse that I can't mention. Nevertheless, that's cruelty to animals. Have...

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago...

...I really feel like I’m out of the Loop.

Two strings walk into a bar.

The bartender yells " Get out we don't serve strings" and has the bouncer throw them out.
The first string is dejected and sadly heads home.

The second string stands up, dusts himself off and decides he is gonna try again. He bends over backwards turns to the side and pushes his head and ...

Bill Gates wanted to make a new friend.

He logged into his computer and found some strangers who seemed nice, so he sent them some funny pictures and told him a little about himself. For days, his posts went nowhere. He was never getting any responses, so he decided to send some videos instead, thinking people just didn't believe it was h...

Found this one at the end of the Sim City 2000 credits

These 3 strings walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bartender and says, "gimme a drink" and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve strings here."

So the second string thinks that maybe if he asks nice the bartender will give him a drink. So the second string says to the bart...

A customer at work told me this the other day, thought I'd share!

A husband and wife have been married for about 50 years. And every year, a carnival comes to town where they have rides, games, and a pilot who offers rides for $10! Now, every year, the husband asks his wife if she'd like to do it. Her response is always, "no, because even though it's not that much...

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

A couple went to the county fair.

They ate all the food and rode all the rides. When it came time to leave the woman asked her husband if there was anything else he wanted to do. "I would like to take a ride in that airplane, but it costs $20." She replied "20 dollars is 20 dollars."
He nodded sagely and they went home.

Ne...

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

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A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?

They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would...

$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"

The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"

Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."

And on they...

Knock knock .

Who's there?


"Help me I'm a time traveller stuck in a time loop"

Knock knock

Who's there


"Help me I'm a time traveller stuck in a time loop"


Knock knock ...

A programmer began to cuss

Because getting to sleep was a fuss.


When laying in her bed


Looping round in her head


Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

Old airforce joke

A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radioes the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioes back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my be...

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

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There was a famous WWII ace in the pacific

He was notorious for his drinking problem. After going out on a mission one day he landed his plane on the aircraft carrier and reported to the commanding officer on his mission.

He said, “Sir, I met five enemy pilots in the air. I shot down the first one, dove right, shot down the second one...

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Guy walks into a dr office complaining about a tennis elbow.

Dr- okay I need you to pee into a cup
Patient- why? It’s my EL-BOW!
Dr- ::sigh:: we have this new machine in back and all it needs is the patients urine and it will diagnose ANYthing. Will you just humor me?

The patient agrees, goes into the bathroom, produces a urine sample, hands the ...

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.

She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird"

Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

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The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

Earl and Peggy had been married 50 years

Every year they'd attend the county fair and every year Earl would look at Peggy and say, "Look at those planes! I'd love to ride one of those planes.."
And every year Peggy would reply, "Yea, but it costs $10, and $10 is $10!"

Finally, the year came of Earl's 75th birthday. They go to the...

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