Apparently you could fold the new IPhone now

Granted, you cant use it afterwards but you could fold it

A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.

"The Game"

I could see she was about to fold when I put my chips on the table…

"Move them," my wife said, "I'm doing laundry."

The Pope dies and ascends into heaven. St Peter mets him at the Pearly Gates and welcomes him into the fold.

"Pope, welcome. We would love to make your stay here as comfortable as possible in return for your faithful service to the Lord during your time on earth. What could we do for you?"

The Pope replied "I spent my life studying the word of God, but it was always in the hand of man, and therefore...

Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist...

...then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding.

I was playing fold yesterday with an old acquaintance

There were two women ahead who were playing really slowly. Eventually my golfing partner lost his patience and told me to go and ask them to let us play through. As I wandered up to them, I immediately recognised my wife and my mistress.

I went back to my friend and said I couldn't possibly ...

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who don't fold their clothes out of the dryer...

...and women.

My friend recently took up origami...

My friend recently took up origami, although he's not very good at making creases, and every time he messes up he gets angrier and angrier...


Trust me, you wouldn't want to be there when it all unfolds...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”

​

The little gi...

Long

An abusive husband and his wife were lost in the desert. While their walking they stumbled upon an old lamp. The wife rubbed it and a genie.
Since he is a misogynist he said : Ill give you three wishes , but for each wish your husband will get it ten folds...
The wife was shocked and vanquis...

Just impulse bought a blind fold...

Cant see myself wearing it...

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

Last night I played Origami poker

Things were going great, until I had to fold.

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A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

The Devil’s Offer

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in r...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

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Charlie marries a virgin.

On their wedding night, he’s on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

“Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table,” she says.

So Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, “Is this better?”

“Much better!”...

Phil got in an argument with his girlfriend two days ago.

And even though he was right she was still very upset. Because she was so mad Phil thought it would be smart to sleep on the couch. The next morning he woke up to a note on the fridge. “I’m going to be with my mother today, when I get home there had better get me something that’ll go from 0-200 in l...

Make me feel like a woman...

A man and a woman are on an elevator and the woman is immediately attracted to the man. He smiled and said hello, which only made her want him more. She could tell the feelings were mutual so she made her move...
Woman: “I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’ve never been so attracted to some...

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The last nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the ...

Overheard Tim Cook this morning when reading Samsung news about bending screens:

That's it! iFold.

Which piano player is the most predictable poker player?

Ben Folds

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

A baker was kneading some dough...

...and as he kneaded, he counted each fold, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, twelve..."

The baker's wife interrupted, "You missed one there."

"No I didn't," replied the baker. "I'm making uneleavened bread."

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A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

"Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great ...

A man and his wife die in a car accident.

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man. 

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man i...

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A man broke up with his girlfriend and decided to go to Jamaica to cheer up.

He went to an all inclusive resort. He ate and drank like a king; the only problem was the beach outside the resort was a NUDE beach.

He was feeling self conscious because he had a tattoo of his girlfriend's name on his penis.

Erect it said "Wendy", but when flaccid, some letters got ...

A pair of newlyweds go golfing...

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained pl...

A panda walks into a bar

A panda walks into a bar and orders some food. Upon finishing his meal, the panda pulls out a gun from his folds and points it at the patron next to him. Before the patron or the bartender realizes what’s happening, the panda pulls the trigger and gets up to leave.
“What the hell are you doing?! ...

A nice Christian joke

A man asks his wife to make him coffee, she refuses and states that he should instead make her coffee. He asks her why he should make her coffee and she says it's because the Bible says so. He states that if she can proove that the Bible says so he will fold and make her a cup of coffee. So she take...

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Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he ...

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Little Johnny is sitting in class.

When the teacher says I've got a supprise for the students who got the best grades on the last test. She calls up three students and blind folds each of them, she says I've got a full bag of candy for each of you, if you can guess what kind of candy it is.Johnny sitting in the back just watching kno...

What's the fastest way to double your money?

Fold it in half

^^....I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

Two cowboys go on a buffalo hunt.. (long)

So these two cowboys decide to go hunt buffalo and they hire an old Indian as a tracker. After leading the cowboys for a spell the Indian holds up his hand, and stops dead in his tracks. He crouches down and puts the side of his head to the ground for a moment. He stands up, folds his arms, looks...

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This absolutely stunning girl catches me looking at her so she walks up to me and says "I'll fuck you for $100".

This girl was way out of my league so I went into my wallet and practically threw the $100 at her. The girl folds it up and places it in her pocket, and before walking away she simply says "You just got fucked".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found a way to make my penis 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

A Guy Gets Home From Playing Poker....

...and says to his wife, "Pack your bags. I just lost you to Frank in a Poker game."

She indignantly exclaims, "How could you do such a thing?"

"It wasn't easy," he replied. "I had to fold a full house."

The price of paper is getting so high!

At this rate my origami business is going to fold

Paper is getting so expensive these days

With costs like these I'm certain my origami business is gonna fold

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men make a bet

Two men are sitting at a bar, on the top floor of a skyscraper.

The first man looks at the second and says, "Hey, would you give me $50 to jump out that window?"


"Bet," the other man says.


So the first man stands up, opens the window, and jumps.


Not five minu...

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Horse Trading [Long] NSFW

So, there's a little person with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. He finds his way to a horse farm and knocks on the door.
"Do you have any hawthes fauw thale?" he asks the horse breeder.
"Why, sure we got horses. Are you looking for anything in particular?" asks the farmer.
"L...

Why can't the professional origamist handle stress?

Because he folds under pressure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may s...

How are girlfriend like cults?

You have to prove your devotion before you're welcomed into the folds.

I have a feeling my wife would have liked Jesus.

Rose from the dead and first thing he did was to fold his bedclothes.

The Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking prou...

A man was searching for a specific pizza

A man was searching for a specific kind of pizza. He wanted to have a pizza that was folded in half before baking.
He searched for such a pizza around the world, until finally he heard of a pizzeria that served such pizzas, the pizzeria was located near a huge radio telescope.
Due to the r...

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[NSFW] [long] 3 dudes are lost in the desert

After weeks of dwindling supplies and failing hopes, they happened upon a luxurious tent. They were afraid, because their hunger had driven them to near madness. Sensing their apprehension, the eldest man says to the others,"I'll go check it out. Stay back."
The two younger men hang back and watc...

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How to make scrambled eggs

Step 1: Find omelette recipe

Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step

Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan

Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that

Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man is on a date with an attractive woman. She tells him "I won't sleep with you unless you have a 12 inch dick."

The man responds "I don't fold my dick in half for anyone."

A Preacher is at his dying church members bed

The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something

The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer
"What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked

The man looks a...

What's the difference between origami and a grandpa passing wind?

One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.

The popularity of origami has increased

ten fold.

Lawyer and the devil

So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him.

"I've got an offer for you" the devil explains

"Go on...." Says the young lawyer

"Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all lov...

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Prospective Members

Three couples were thinking of joining a church. After attending a few services, they approach the pastor to ask about getting baptized.

"Sure thing," says the pastor, "But before we can welcome you into the fold as true believers, you must pass a trial of faith."

"What do we have to d...

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

A man came home from a poker game...

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "I...

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New dog crossbreeds announced.

Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Pointer + Setter - Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet.

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel - Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mou...

Last Words

There was a man in the hospital who was very old and most likely not making it out so his family went to the church to get the pastor to say goodbye and the hospital, so the next day the pastor visits the man in the hospital, but the man suddenly is gasping for air and can't breath so he grabs a pen...

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A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.

Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he rep...

A man bought a new shirt.

He washed it as soon as he got home. Before putting it away, he said:

"Welcome to the fold."

Why do origami artists make terrible poker players?

They always fold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals. They are told that all three of them will die before the day is out. Their bones will be shaped into tools and weapons, their teeth made into necklaces, their skin sewn together to make canoes, and certain more intimate regions o...

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Two Irish men are digging a ditch.

Two irish men are digging a ditch while a third British man keeps watch on their progress. One Irish man asks t'other "why is it that we have to be down here in this mud while the Brit sits up there on his lazy arse." The second Irish man, indignant at this sudden revelation, stomps up to the man on...

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

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A man drives his Lada to a mechanic and asks, "Can I have a spare hubcap for my Lada?" The mechanic says, "Sounds like a fair trade."

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A Russian man enters a car raffle. Dropping the tic...

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Golfers Will Make Any Excuse for Another Hole (Golf Humor)

It's said that a golfer will make any excuse to their loved one to play more golf. The story goes a gentleman (our main character) picks up a few rounds of golf with some of the guys at the office once a week after work. On this particular evening a few rounds turned into a few more, and a few more,...

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a...

Three priests are in a boat in the middle of the lake...

...when one realizes he needs to relieve himself. Being a decent man, he decides that he will go in the woods on the shore. This priest folds his hands and begins to say a prayer before leaving the boat. Miraculously he steps out of the boat onto the surface of the water and easily walks to the shor...

Three Escaped Prisoners

Three men - who were not the brightest of individuals - escaped from prison one evening. They knew that the authorities would be hot on their tail in only a matter of minutes, so they decided to find somewhere to hide on a nearby farm.

The first prisoner climbed an apple tree, then kept as st...

An Austrian joke: The hare, the fox and the bear receive their enlistment order

An Austrian joke I like very much:

The hare, the fox and the bear turn 18 and receive their enlistment order, but don't want to serve in the military. This was back when conscientious objection was not as easy as it is nowadays.

They meet in front of the barracks and think about what t...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits...

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking. The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to know one
another's theology across sectaria...

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A few somewhat racist jokes...

* What do Nike and kkk have in common?
They both make niggers run fast.

* Why do Jews like watching porno's backwards?
They like the part where the Hooker gives back the money.

* Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
He heard Boys pants where half off.

* What do u call ...

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A guy and his new wife were about to consummate their marriage

The man starts pawing all over her. She pushes him away and says "if we're going to make this work, I want manners and respect!" The man smooths his hair down, folds his hands and says "my dearest, I'm so sorry, I'll be a perfect gentleman from now on." "Good" she says "that's better." To which the ...

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old man and trophy wife

An old man walks into a car dealership with his young trophy wife on his arm. He walks up to the manager and says, "I want to make deal with you. If you can do three things that I can do, I'll buy your most expensive car with cash plus 10% extra for you. If you can't, I get the car for free."
...

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One day, a pregnant lady was walking down the street...

when out of nowhere a man came up and shot her three times in the stomach. The shooter unfortunately escaped, but the woman was taken to the hospital and luckily her and her babies turned out to be okay.

Fast forward to about 16 years later:

One day the woman was in her bedroom folding...

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A worried woman...[nsfw]

A woman begins dating a new man, and it seems like their relationship is developing well. However, she's worried about the overly large size of her lady orifice. So, she decides to hold off the young man's ardor. She knows she can't wait forever, but she just can't think of what else to do.

F...

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A wife asks her husband . . .

Honey, can I get some money for a boob job? My tits are too small.

Husband, reading the newspaper, - Sure! How much do you need?

Wife - Just ten thousand dollars . . .

Husband, putting down the paper - Ten grand?! I've got a better idea. Every night, before you go to bed, wh...

Another jewish gag

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into ...

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Two business-types go drinking after work..

First guy says to the second "Man, I cannot get shit-faced tonight, my wife will kill me". They start off with beers, move on to mixed drinks and next thing you know, they're pounding tequila shots. First guy has had enough, runs to the bathroom and promptly pukes all over the place. He comes bac...

The worker at the match factory.

This guy works in a match factory on the assembly line.

One day he has an epiphany, the next day he marches up to the presidents office.

*"I figured out how to save you millions"* he says.

*"For my idea I want 1 million dollars, if you implement it and it works you have to p...