If the government is covering up knowledge of aliens,

they are doing a better job of it than they do at anything else.

The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

“But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried.

“Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose....

A Young Boy Goes to His Father, Covering His Ears

He says, "Dad, I've got a problem." The dad asks, "What's wrong?" His son winces and says, "It's my hearing, Dad. Everything I hear hurts my ears." The dad looks his son in the eyes and says, "Son, all sound hertz."

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate having sex in a sleeping bag, it’s too tight, you get really sweaty...

and it’s hard to breathe because your scout leader’s hand is covering your mouth

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

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The vintage motorcycle.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says"

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure ...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.

Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are...

It is now legal to park bovines with foot coverings in motorcycle parking spaces.

They're officially labeled as Cowasockies.

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

Saudi Arabia is not good at covering things like the Khashoggi killing

except women

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

I make a living cleaning Muslim women's head coverings.

It's a dirty hijab, but someone's gotta do it.

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost.

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could

forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines

covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings i...

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

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