This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael Phelps has began covering Eminem songs!

My favorite song from his new album is the Real Swim Shady.

Wearing a mask without it covering your nose, is like wearing a condom but poking a hole in the top.

Sure, it’s on, but sooner or later something bad will happen because of it.

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

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Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift.

One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse,
he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly,
well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork
back, an...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me to help indulge her fetish of covering herself in cake flour, butter, and eggs.

I had to say no. My mother taught me it’s wrong to batter women.

When it comes to social distancing and covering your face in public...

We have to give credit to Muslim women.

What other group of people are covered from head to toe, walking six feet behind their husband?

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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.


The do...

If the government is covering up knowledge of aliens,

they are doing a better job of it than they do at anything else.

Seven days into the wedding at Cana, Saint Joseph has a monumental hangover

He is laying against a wall, covering his eyes from the morning sunlight.

He asks: Mary, please, bring me some water. BUT DON'T LET THE KID TOUCH IT!

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day....

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day. It's extremely blustery and everything is blowing around.

He approaches a woman walking the other way who is struggling in the wind. All of a sudden, her skirt blows up! It turns upward, covering her face. The woma...

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the teensiest bit of a woman, the hat would lift by itself."

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

The Cleveland Browns are covering the playing field in cardboard for Sunday's game.

Because they always play better on paper.

911: what's your emergency?

**pig:** a wolf just blew my house down!

**911:** HOLY SHI—

**pig:** I know right?

**911 [covering phone]:** Frank, theres a talking pig on the other line

A pimp is driving around, checking up on his girls on the street...

... when he sees a man dropping one of his girls off on a corner.
This isn't out of the ordinary, and he doesn't think too much of it, but the next day he sees the same man driving the same car dropping off two girls at once.
Again, not too strange, but he takes notice.


The next nig...

A Young Boy Goes to His Father, Covering His Ears

He says, "Dad, I've got a problem." The dad asks, "What's wrong?" His son winces and says, "It's my hearing, Dad. Everything I hear hurts my ears." The dad looks his son in the eyes and says, "Son, all sound hertz."

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

A Priest and a Rabbi go for a Walk in the Park

As both come by a beautiful lake, the rabbi says: “Let’s take a dip, the water looks refreshing!”

“But we have no trunks”

“Then let’s go in as god has created us.”

Said and done, they go in. After a while, they get out and walk back to their clothes. There, a small group of peop...

I had a test covering several breeds of Chinese plants.

It was multiple choys.

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.
After swimming for a while in the shallow end of th...

A handsome man is on a nudist beach.

His only article of clothing was a hat covering his family jewels. An ugly woman walked by and looked at the naked man.

"If you are a gentleman, you would raise your hat to a lady." She said.

The handsome man replied, "If you were attractive, the hat would raise itself."

Nothing like selling an old man your selfies in skin tight outfits, covering strangers with your sticky white goo, and taking compromising photos when they’re vulnerable.

I sure loved the old Spiderman movies.

stolen from comments of r/showerthoughts

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

My landscaper isn't too bright. I asked him for a yard of topsoil for planting my tomatoes.

So far, 75 dump trucks have delivered soil, covering my entire yard, 12 inches deep.

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