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Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

Give a man a jacket..

and he'll be warm outside. Teach him to jacket and he won't ever leave the house

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

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In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

I was in the shop looking for a jacket...

... to buy for my girlfriend as a present.

I couldn't decide which one to get, so I asked the salesman, "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get?

He said, "A bulletproof one. I'm married."

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

What kind of jacket did hitler wear?

A fuhrer coat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Saw a Cop walking around wearing a Boeing Jacket and a hat that said Gulfstream

Turns out he was a Planeclothes Officer

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

My friend got a motorbike jacket gifted from his uncle

Along with his organs

What do you call a jacket that goes up in flames?

A blazer

What do you call the jacket on a semi-formal safari suit?

A trailblazer.

Satan's Jacket

Belive it or not, back in his day, Satan got around. On one particular crazy night, he woke up next to an angelic chick. Unfortunately, over the course of the night the temperature had dropped drastically, and she hadn't thought to bring a jacket. Now, Satan might be the devil, but he wasn't a douch...

Why did the jalapeno wear a tiny jacket?

Because he was just a little chili.

I blew all of my money on leather jackets and juke boxes...

I’m worried that I may be caught in a Fonzey scheme.

Why do jalapeños wear jackets?

They're just a little chile.

What jacket lays down the best farts

Wind breaker

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I'm excited to see how they turn out

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

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My wife fucked me with a leather jacket on.

I've never had so many cows on top of me at once.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

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My wife asked "Can you explain why I just found some crotchless panties in your jacket pocket?"

I said "It's because you're a nosey cunt."

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

If you're leaving the U.S. Embassy in Santiago, make sure to put on a jacket...

It's Chile outside.

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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

"What's The Pink Panther's favourite type of jacket?"

"No idea."

"Denim."

"Denim?"

"Denim denim denim denim denim..."

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas

That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.

Judaism is said to be successful because our religion has a lot of wisdom. Yes, the Jewish people always ask very wise questions...

Such as "Wise this jacket so damn expensive?! Dontcha have a discount for me??"

What do you think of wearing a straight jacket?

I think I could pull it off

Leather jackets are great for sneaking up on people.

They're made of hide.

Why did Snoop Dogg wear a rain jacket?

For the Drizzle

What's the difference between a sweatshirt and a jacket?

I don't sweatshirt 3 times a day.

So I went skiing with a man in a massive jacket...[Original Joke]

So I was going skiing last winter, and I was having a really good time. As I get on the lift to go up to the top of the mountain, a man in a massive puffy cotton jacket sits next to me. Now when I say massive, I mean MASSIVE! I'm not sure how this guy could move, nevermind ski. I start making polite...

What's the best way to make pants last?

Make the jacket first.

Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 tshirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says he...

Bought myself a really tight fit bomber jacket the other day

But once I had got it on it wouldnt go off...

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.

Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.

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A man goes into a bar followed by an ostrich.

He gets a beer and a sandwich. When he asked the bartender for the bill the bartender replied: "$7 33 cents"

The man puts his hand in his jacket pocket and randomly grabs a few bills and coins and drops it on the table. To the bartender's surprise it was exactly $7 33 cents.
"That was for...

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

Why was the jacket stinky?

Because it was a windbreaker.

A storm-tossed ship was about to go under

The captain shouted to the crew, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Apocalypse Now: Eh

I have this idea that at the end of the world, there will be one thing left... poof, Big Bang, and there they stand, in a flannel jacket and a maple leaf toque; a Canadian apologizing for it.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

I was going to steal a coat today

But I didn't have it in me to jacket.

Last night an Afghan put a jacket on me.

He said "You da bomb!"

Why did the Chihuahua put on a jacket?

Because it was a chili dog!

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times...

I was looking into buying an invisible jacket.

So I tried one on in the shop and it fit me great, but after checking how I looked in the mirror I decided against it.

I just couldn't *really* see myself wearing it.

A young guy suffers from debilitating headaches (slightly long)

After going through many tests over several months the doctor says the only way to cure them is to cut off his balls. After another couple months the pain is so great the patient finally agrees to the operation. A week after the operation the patient is super depressed and asks the doctor what he c...

A man goes to a bar with his friend after a day of work.

After a couple of beer, the man pukes on his jacket.

Man : Damn, my wife will kill me when she knows I puked on myself for drinking too much!

Friend : Hey, I got an idea.... put a $20 bill in the pocket of your jacket. Tomorrow, when your wife sees the mess, tell her that I puked on yo...

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A Wall Street playboy has seen it all

Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”.

Why not, he thinks to himself before...

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Guy named Eddie walks into the men's room at a bar.

As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?"

"What can I do for you?"...

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A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

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Two students are taking a physics exam

One of them enters and the professor says:

-Imagine you are riding a train and its really hot inside. What would you do?

-Well,i'd open the window.

-Excellent. Now, the windows surface is 1,5m^2, your compartments volume is 12m^3, train is going west at the speed of 80km/h, the ...

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

What kind of jacket would Michael J. Fox wear if he was black? [OC]

A parka, son.

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This literally the first joke with curse words that I remember knowing.

The boy who didn’t know curse words

There was a boy who didn’t know curse words and it was thanksgiving day. He comes out of his room and sits down with his sister. She is watching a reality show, the actress on the show calls out the actor “you dick” the little boy never hearing that word b...