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Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.

I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…

You can hide but you can’t run

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

What do you call a burning Jacket?

A blazer...

Why’d the momma pepper put a jacket on her baby?

Because he was a little chili

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!

He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

A man says to his wife 'Grab your jacket I'm going to the pub'

She asks 'Oh, are you taking me with you?'
'No, I'm turning the heating off'

I made a jacket entirely out of sleeves once...

It was my coat of arms!

Give a man a jacket..

and he'll be warm outside. Teach him to jacket and he won't ever leave the house

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

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In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

To the man in a wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run. (Hopefuly you haven't seen this reposted, I just thought of it)

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

I was in the shop looking for a jacket...

... to buy for my girlfriend as a present.

I couldn't decide which one to get, so I asked the salesman, "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get?

He said, "A bulletproof one. I'm married."

Satan's Jacket

Belive it or not, back in his day, Satan got around. On one particular crazy night, he woke up next to an angelic chick. Unfortunately, over the course of the night the temperature had dropped drastically, and she hadn't thought to bring a jacket. Now, Satan might be the devil, but he wasn't a douch...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

Saw a Cop walking around wearing a Boeing Jacket and a hat that said Gulfstream

Turns out he was a Planeclothes Officer

My friend got a motorbike jacket gifted from his uncle

Along with his organs

Why do jalapeños wear jackets?

They're just a little chile.

What kind of jacket did hitler wear?

A fuhrer coat

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

What do you call the jacket on a semi-formal safari suit?

A trailblazer.

I blew all of my money on leather jackets and juke boxes...

I’m worried that I may be caught in a Fonzey scheme.

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, a...

What jacket lays down the best farts

Wind breaker

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I'm excited to see how they turn out

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My wife asked "Can you explain why I just found some crotchless panties in your jacket pocket?"

I said "It's because you're a nosey cunt."

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

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My wife fucked me with a leather jacket on.

I've never had so many cows on top of me at once.

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

"What's The Pink Panther's favourite type of jacket?"

"No idea."

"Denim."

"Denim?"

"Denim denim denim denim denim..."

If you're leaving the U.S. Embassy in Santiago, make sure to put on a jacket...

It's Chile outside.

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas

That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.

What do you think of wearing a straight jacket?

I think I could pull it off

Leather jackets are great for sneaking up on people.

They're made of hide.

What's the difference between a sweatshirt and a jacket?

I don't sweatshirt 3 times a day.

So I went skiing with a man in a massive jacket...[Original Joke]

So I was going skiing last winter, and I was having a really good time. As I get on the lift to go up to the top of the mountain, a man in a massive puffy cotton jacket sits next to me. Now when I say massive, I mean MASSIVE! I'm not sure how this guy could move, nevermind ski. I start making polite...

Bought myself a really tight fit bomber jacket the other day

But once I had got it on it wouldnt go off...

I'm banned from my local dry cleaner

All I did was ask them if I could drop my pants and jacket off

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

What's the best way to make pants last?

Make the jacket first.

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John an Jim are in college and exam time has come

John gets in the classroom with the professor and starts speaking to him and answering his questions.

Professor then asks him: "This is the most important question, you cannot pass if you don't answer it. You are in a train and it is extremely hot inside. What will you do?"

John answe...

My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.

Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.

A Jamaican fireman...

...came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you...

This is a story about a man. His wife has told him that if he ever comes home drunk she will leave him.

Nonetheless he goes out. He drinks a lot and throws up all over himself. He turns to his friend and asks what he can do. His friend is helpful.

“Go home,” he says. “Tell your wife someone threw up on you. And put a twenty pound note inside your jacket pocket. Show her the money and tell her t...

What's white and blue and will kill you if it falls out of a tree onto you?

A refrigerator wearing a denim jacket.

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Angela Merkel invites to dinnerparty after G20 summit.

So, true story that has been leaked here in Germany, after the last G20 summit in Hamburg, Merkel invited all the leaders to a dinner party:

Sitting at the table Trump and Putin took a seat next to her, left and right. She notices the federal republic did not spare expenses and served dishes ...

Why was the jacket stinky?

Because it was a windbreaker.

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So I was smoking while on balcony. Couldn't find an ashtray, threw the butt off the window.

A little boy (maybe 10 or so) was playing down there, and cigarette landed right before his feet. So he looks up directly at me and says:
-You shouldn't throw rubbish out of your window, that's bad. If everyone stops doing that, we would live in so much better place!

That made me feel un...

Some of my favorites

Where do rabbits fly? Hare Force One.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

What do you call a jacket that’s on fire? A blazer.

I have 3 eyes, 2 noses and 4 mouths. What am I? Ugly.

Why do golfers always have 2 pairs of pants? In case they get a hole-in-o...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

Last night an Afghan put a jacket on me.

He said "You da bomb!"

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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

I was looking into buying an invisible jacket.

So I tried one on in the shop and it fit me great, but after checking how I looked in the mirror I decided against it.

I just couldn't *really* see myself wearing it.

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