UPJOKE
coatdresssleeveshirtblazerovercoatblousewindbreakerwaistcoatvestraincoatrobesweatertuxedosweatshirt

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide but you can't run!

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

Jacket

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

I bought a straight jacket the other day, and I'm starting to regret it.

I thought it would be a good look, but I just can't pull it off.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

What do you get if you glue sequins to your life jacket?

>!Flamboyancy!<

What do you call a jacket that's on fire?

A blazer.

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, ...

I got a camo jacket for Christmas…

I just can’t see myself wearing it.

Why did the knight wear an octopus jacket?

It was his coat of arms

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

What marine animal wears a red jacket and a sequined glove on its flipper?

Thriller Whale!

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Why did the jalapeno wear a tiny jacket?

Because he was just a little chili.

What did God do when yellow jackets started stinging the other animals?

Plan Bee.

A guy with a mask and a green jacket walks into a creperie

The waiter knows something crepe-y is about to unfold.

Did you know Napoleon always had his hand in his jacket because he broke his arm?

He had a bone-apart

Bought a new jacket the other day and it burst into flames.

Well, it was a blazer.

Why do jalapeños wear jackets?

They're just a little chile.

I went shopping for a camouflage jacket

I searched through the entire shop but couldn't find it

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

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in france a dinner jacket is le smoking

a track suit is le jogging. a camp site is le camping. a bowling alley is le bowling. that they call their swimming pools la pissing is why i've never been able to trust them

I convinced my friend to not purchase a camouflage jacket.

It's something I couldn't see him wearing.

I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as......

FLEECE NAVI-DAD

What's the difference between a jacket and a sweater?

A jacket is something to wear when you're cold.

A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?

I'm excited to see how they turn out

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I walked in on kim jong-un with his penis inside a jacket potato...

I didn't know what to say, I'd never seen a dick-tater before

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

My jean jacket doesn't fit right

I can only fit my arms in the leg holes but I don't have torso or back coverage

I talked my buddy out of buying a leather jacket

I dissueded him

Napoleon may not have been the sole designer of his jacket...

but, I believe he had a hand in it.

A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…

The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”

“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”

“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar,...

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

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What kind of jacket did hitler wear?

A fuhrer coat

I was in the shop looking for a jacket...

... to buy for my girlfriend as a present.

I couldn't decide which one to get, so I asked the salesman, "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get?

He said, "A bulletproof one. I'm married."

For Sale....Jacket, hardly worn, size 42 chest, Minor defect. Right sleeve slightly shorter than left....

Would be perfect for trombone player.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

A man who likes a drink...

A man who liked a drink was warned by his long-suffering wife that if he comes home drunk one more time she will leave him.

The next evening he is out with his colleagues after work, drinks way too much and is sick all down his jacket.

He explains that his wife is likely to leave him w...

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

Leather jackets are great for sneaking up on people.

They're made of hide.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

Why’d the momma pepper put a jacket on her baby?

Because he was a little chili

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A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...

What jacket lays down the best farts

Wind breaker

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Why was the jacket stinky?

Because it was a windbreaker.

My friend got a motorbike jacket gifted from his uncle

Along with his organs

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


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### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be ...

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My wife fucked me with a leather jacket on.

I've never had so many cows on top of me at once.

What do you think of wearing a straight jacket?

I think I could pull it off

A man says to his wife 'Grab your jacket I'm going to the pub'

She asks 'Oh, are you taking me with you?'
'No, I'm turning the heating off'

What's the difference between a sweatshirt and a jacket?

I don't sweatshirt 3 times a day.

I said to my tailor, "Do you know how to make a pair of trousers last?"

He said, "Sure - make the jacket first."

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

Saw a Cop walking around wearing a Boeing Jacket and a hat that said Gulfstream

Turns out he was a Planeclothes Officer

Why was the book freezing cold?

It lost its jacket!

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

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