This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

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A big brute of a Navy SEAL dies and goes to heaven...

As he’s standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter beckons him to come nearer.
St. Peter: What is it exactly that you did back on earth?
Navy SEAL: We’ll I’m a big, badass motherfucker, I have 218 confirmed insurgent kills, blown up strongholds killing hundreds of ISIS leaders. Even taken two b...

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks"what can I get you Mr.Seal"

The seal replies"anything but a Canadian Club"
(Sorry)

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

Why can’t seals be famous DJs?

Because they’re scared of club hits

Wanna hear my seal impression?

BABEH I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE DODEEDO

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to ea...

There was a woman who lived alone all year round because her husband was a navy seal. The house was near a train station and whenever the train passed, the wardrobe that was in the bedroom would fall.

So one day the woman calls a carpenter: "You know," she says, "whenever the train passes, the wardrobe falls and... ". Before the woman completes the sentence, the train passes and the wardrobe immediately falls down.

The carpenter seems to know the solution to the problem: "Leave it to me, I...

Why do seals have trouble eating bread?

Because they're seal-iacs.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

The singer Seal walks into a club.

Good thing he wasn't a baby.

What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?

A sealion

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

What’s the difference between a Sealion and a Seal?

A missing electron


(Creds to u/Koshkee)

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Why do seals swim in saltwater?

because it's a "sealion" solution

What do you call a seal with a non-neutral charge

Sealion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What would happen if I put flex seal in my ass?

It would be bad... No shit

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?

It's almost like they do it on porpoise.

I'm sorry I made it up

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

What do you call a Seal with an extra electron?

A Seal-ion.

All seals live at the same elevation

Seal level

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

Why do seals swim in salt water?

Because if they swam in pepper water they'd do nothing but sneeze all day

I had this really great seal clubbing joke I was telling my friend from Iqaluit last week...

but they were having Nunavut.

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of...

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.

But she wasn't really Inuit.

Joke that was totally told to me by a Navy SEAL and I am not lying or anything

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled...

How many Navy Seals does it take to change a light bulb?

Navy Seals don't change light bulbs. They only take 'em out.

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

What did the seal with a cast say to the shark?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.

It was very carefully orca-strated.

How does Voldemort seal his mail?

With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)

Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns...

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explai...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

What was the seal's favorite subject in school?

ART ART ART!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Maribe Raider, A navy SEAL, and a Delta Force operator are sitting around a campfire sharing war stories.

The marine says "I parachuted in from a helicopter at night with 50 pounds of gear on my back and killed 25 men with nothing but a knife." The SEAL says "That's nothing. I swam 6 miles up the coast, sprinted 3 more, and killed 60 people with my bare hands." He turns to the Delta Force guy. "What abo...

A thousand baby seals walk into a club.

The Inuit are happy with a good season this year.

What does a seal say about network switches?

ARP ARP ARP

6 years ago today Seal Team Six took out Bin Laden

Tonight I am going to celebrate with a drink consisting of two shots and a splash of water.

As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

A seal is neutral but a seal ion has a positive or negative charge

What did the eskimo say when he found out that his pet seal had been stealing from his fish reserve?

"Inuit!"

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

How did the seal find a date?

He went clubbing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin...

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

*Best joke i've ever heard.*

A baby seal walks into a club...

A baby seal walks into a club. He looks up at the hunter and yells at him "That was mean!" The seal grabs the club, tosses it into the ocean, then dives in and swims away.

The hunter stares at the ocean, shocked. "Wow, that was one smart seal."

The polar bear behind him grin...

It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion.

A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.

What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal?

Welp, seal ate her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brandon is shopping for a used motorcycle.

He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.


One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting fo...

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

What do seal hunters and teens have in common?

They both love clubbin'

What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?

A polar bear

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."

Does anyone know how to contact him?

What is a seal's favorite drink?

Club soda

A penguin is driving his car

When suddenly the car starts making rattling noises, smoke starts pouring from under the hood, and it continues to move forward by jumps and lurches. The Penguin sees an auto-shop up ahead and slowly pulls his car into the lot. The mechanic comes out and informs the penguin that's going to take ab...