Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

So a baby seal walks into a club.

Ooops didn't read the rules. But it's a short one. Been awhile since the seal hunters got a lot of publicity though.

An Asian doctor, SEAL, and astronaut walks into a bar

His name is Jonny Kim. Please don't let my mother know about him.

What do you call a seal with an extra electron?

A sea lion!

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron or two

I never realized seals were cool

They kinda slap though

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

What is SEAL Team 6's favourite colour?

Aquamarine!

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

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One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"

[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]

What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?

Do not eat if seal is broken

Why do Navy SEALs fall backwards off of their boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!

What’s a seal’s favourite drink?

Canadian Club on the Rocks

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her n...

A Penguin is driving on a scorching day out near Nowhere, Texas

… and his car breaks down. Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop.

Mechanic says “looks like you blew a seal”. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. So the penguin asks if there's anywhere to go to cool off while he waits. Mechanic says...

Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

after 3 weeks of lockdon

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do i...

I don't get why Clubbing Seals is so controversial?

I mean, I'm kinda curious what sort of music they listen to?

Why did Heidi Klum get a divorce?

She didn't approve of Seal clubbing

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk aro...

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Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?

Because they don't have pockets.

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?

In a narcophagus

What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?

His Parceltongue.

What’s better than a talking dog?

A spelling bee


What’s better than a spelling bee?


A navy seal

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Abram is coming home in grief and despair

His wife is asking what happened
\- *Oy vey iz mir!* \- he tells her - So much spending! So much money I am going to lose! Today our rabbi gave a speech: "For many years we are living among Russians but they still don't like us. And we don't even know why. I gave it many a thought and decided...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

A penguin takes his car to the garage

A penguin takes his car in to the garage to get fixed and he goes to have an ice cream. The ice cream starts to melt and goes all over his face.

When he goes to pick his car up the mechanic says “you blew a seal”

The penguin says “nah it’s just ice cream!”

What was the seal's favorite subject in school?

ART ART ART!

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

Where do baby seals go for date night?

To the club

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

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A big brute of a Navy SEAL dies and goes to heaven...

As he’s standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter beckons him to come nearer.
St. Peter: What is it exactly that you did back on earth?
Navy SEAL: We’ll I’m a big, badass motherfucker, I have 218 confirmed insurgent kills, blown up strongholds killing hundreds of ISIS leaders. Even taken two b...

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

With my Dad's military service, how did it take me 42 years to realize

I can call him the SEAL of Disapproval.

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

Did you know that seals can't hear bass?

It's true - the seal hearing range bottoms out at 1000 Hertz.

No wonder they don't like clubbing.

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My dick is like a Navy SEAL

It gets in and gets out with hardly anyone noticing.

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Pakistan is opening an amusement park

Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place.

The zoo is pretty cool, but you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late....

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

Why can't a seal be a DJ

Because they are afraid of club hits

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

Why did the seal cross the bay?

To get to the otter side!

What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?

A sealion

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What would happen if I put flex seal in my ass?

It would be bad... No shit

After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.

One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".

So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin...

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, b...

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Penguin blew a seal

Penguin stops at a mechanic because of a noise his car makes.
Mechanic-It'll be an hour before I can figure it out, head to the store across the street and get something to pass the time. So the penguin goes and grabs an ice cream cone, but without opposable thumbs its hard not to make a mess. ...

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

[NSFW] A polar bear takes his broken car to be fixed...

He tells the mechanic what the problem is; "There is a LOT of smoke coming from the exhaust." he says, "I'll leave it with you and go grab lunch. I'll see you in an hour or so."

After a few hours Bob 'the polar' Bear returns.

The mechanic gets straight to it, and simply says "well I'm ...

I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,

but had to take them back as the seal was broken...

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.

But she wasn't really Inuit.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

I had this really great seal clubbing joke I was telling my friend from Iqaluit last week...

but they were having Nunavut.

Wanna hear my seal impression?

BABEH I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE DODEEDO

All seals live at the same elevation

Seal level

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Is it obvious what would happen if i sealed someones asshole?

No shit.

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Aliens abducted a parrot, a monkey, and a blonde

Aliens abducted a parrot, a monkey, and a blonde. They got locked up in sealed, completely empty chambers with one tiny solid diamond window and a special force field to keep them alive. The aliens then gave each of them 3 titanium ball bearings, and left them for a week.

When they came back,...

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns...

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One of my favorite jokes

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar...

A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

What do you call an aquamarine aquatic mammal that expresses genuine enthusiasm for gelatinous foods?

A teal seal that feels real zeal for congealed meals.

Why do seals swim in salt water?

Because if they swam in pepper water they'd do nothing but sneeze all day

What’s the difference between a Sealion and a Seal?

A missing electron


(Creds to u/Koshkee)

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

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A man said his anus was sealed.

People thought he was full of shit, and so did he.

A walruses car broke down.

While waiting for the mechanic to troubleshoot the problem he decided to walk to the ice cream parlor. He ordered a vanilla ice cream cone and ate it while walking back to the car shop. As he finished the last bite he realized he forgot to grab a napkin. As he desperately tried to clean his very sti...

My daughter asked if I'd like to go out clubbing with her.

I said "sure honey". We stayed up all night long. That's good, because it's much easier to kill seals when they're sleeping.

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My favourite Old Dirty / Clean Joke

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrappi...

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A Maribe Raider, A navy SEAL, and a Delta Force operator are sitting around a campfire sharing war stories.

The marine says "I parachuted in from a helicopter at night with 50 pounds of gear on my back and killed 25 men with nothing but a knife." The SEAL says "That's nothing. I swam 6 miles up the coast, sprinted 3 more, and killed 60 people with my bare hands." He turns to the Delta Force guy. "What abo...

I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today

The box said 'WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken'. I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box................

As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

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[NSFW] A American businessman takes a trip to Japan

An American businessman travels to Japan for a very important business meeting that will make or break his career. He realizes that sealing the deal for their business will not happen in the board room and so he agrees to join them afterwards for a night out on the town.

After a night of dri...

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

*Best joke i've ever heard.*

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