What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?

“Do not consume if seal is broken”

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

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An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

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My dick is like a Navy SEAL

It gets in and gets out with hardly anyone noticing.

I had to throw out my animal crackers.

The package said "do not consume if seal is broken"

Credit to my dad :)

What did the seal say to the sea turtle?

Can you please scute?

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A big brute of a Navy SEAL dies and goes to heaven...

As he’s standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter beckons him to come nearer.
St. Peter: What is it exactly that you did back on earth?
Navy SEAL: We’ll I’m a big, badass motherfucker, I have 218 confirmed insurgent kills, blown up strongholds killing hundreds of ISIS leaders. Even taken two b...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar

But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

Why can’t seals be famous DJs?

Because they’re scared of club hits

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to ea...

Wanna hear my seal impression?

BABEH I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE DODEEDO

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So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks"what can I get you Mr.Seal"

The seal replies"anything but a Canadian Club"
(Sorry)

What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?

A sealion

Why do seals have trouble eating bread?

Because they're seal-iacs.

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

What’s the difference between a Sealion and a Seal?

A missing electron


(Creds to u/Koshkee)

What happens when you add a new seal atom to a seal molecyle

It beacomes a sea lion

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

What do you call a seal with a non-neutral charge

Sealion

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What would happen if I put flex seal in my ass?

It would be bad... No shit

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Why do seals swim in saltwater?

because it's a "sealion" solution

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

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What do a horny walrus and a tupperware container have in common?

They're both looking for a tight seal.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

All seals live at the same elevation

Seal level

I had this really great seal clubbing joke I was telling my friend from Iqaluit last week...

but they were having Nunavut.

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

What do you call a Seal with an extra electron?

A Seal-ion.

Joke that was totally told to me by a Navy SEAL and I am not lying or anything

After numerous rounds of, "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled...

Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?

It's almost like they do it on porpoise.

I'm sorry I made it up

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.

But she wasn't really Inuit.

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

Why do seals swim in salt water?

Because if they swam in pepper water they'd do nothing but sneeze all day

What was the seal's favorite subject in school?

ART ART ART!

How does Voldemort seal his mail?

With his Parceltongue. (...I'll see myself out)

The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.

It was very carefully orca-strated.

A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of...

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

An Inuit man walks into a pet store...

An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

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A Maribe Raider, A navy SEAL, and a Delta Force operator are sitting around a campfire sharing war stories.

The marine says "I parachuted in from a helicopter at night with 50 pounds of gear on my back and killed 25 men with nothing but a knife." The SEAL says "That's nothing. I swam 6 miles up the coast, sprinted 3 more, and killed 60 people with my bare hands." He turns to the Delta Force guy. "What abo...

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explai...

A thousand baby seals walk into a club.

The Inuit are happy with a good season this year.

What does a seal say about network switches?

ARP ARP ARP

Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns...

As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

6 years ago today Seal Team Six took out Bin Laden

Tonight I am going to celebrate with a drink consisting of two shots and a splash of water.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

A seal is neutral but a seal ion has a positive or negative charge

How did the seal find a date?

He went clubbing.

What did the eskimo say when he found out that his pet seal had been stealing from his fish reserve?

"Inuit!"

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So, a penguin is driving down the road...

So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here."
"Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin...

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A Green Beret, a Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Marine Recon Scout are sitting around a campfire...

...telling stories about their service.

The green beret said "I once sneaked into enemy territory under the cover of night, killed 10 men, and sneaked back out"

 


"That's nothing!" the navy seal said. "I once swam 10 miles into enemy territory, killed 25 men, and sw...

What's the difference between seal hunters and teenagers?

There's none, both like clubbing.

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Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal?

Welp, seal ate her.

How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

It's important to distinguish between a seal and a sealion.

A sealion is just like a seal, but it's either gained or lost electrons.

What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?

A polar bear

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to...

My Tylenol bottle says "DO NOT TAKE IF SEAL NOT PRESENT."

Does anyone know how to contact him?

What is a seal's favorite drink?

Club soda

A penguin is driving his car

When suddenly the car starts making rattling noises, smoke starts pouring from under the hood, and it continues to move forward by jumps and lurches. The Penguin sees an auto-shop up ahead and slowly pulls his car into the lot. The mechanic comes out and informs the penguin that's going to take ab...

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