What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

A baby seal walks into a club...

That’s the joke.

A baby seal walks into a bar....

Says I'll have a whiskey.

Bartender says what kind?

Baby seal says anything other than a Canadian Club.

What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?

"I've got Nunavut."

Baby seal walks into a club.

Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

A navy seal walks into a bar

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art App...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blew a seal

Penguin stops at a mechanic because of a noise his car makes.
Mechanic-It'll be an hour before I can figure it out, head to the store across the street and get something to pass the time. So the penguin goes and grabs an ice cream cone, but without opposable thumbs its hard not to make a mess. ...

Why can't a seal be a DJ

Because they are afraid of club hits

What do you call a seal with net electrical charge?

A sea lion

Why do Navy SEALs fall backwards off of their boats?

Because if they fell forwards they'd still be on the boat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret...

...are sitting around a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger...

If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...

You’re going to have a bad Thyme.

What did the seal with the broken arm say to the Polar bear?

Do not consume if seal is broken.

I met Seal once.

I told him I loved his music, and he was all "Arf arf arf arf arf arf!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big brute of a Navy SEAL dies and goes to heaven...

As he’s standing at the pearly gates, Saint Peter beckons him to come nearer.
St. Peter: What is it exactly that you did back on earth?
Navy SEAL: We’ll I’m a big, badass motherfucker, I have 218 confirmed insurgent kills, blown up strongholds killing hundreds of ISIS leaders. Even taken two b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like a Navy SEAL

It gets in and gets out with hardly anyone noticing.

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

Did you know that seals can't hear bass?

It's true - the seal hearing range bottoms out at 1000 Hertz.

No wonder they don't like clubbing.

Why did the seal cross the bay?

To get to the otter side!

What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both want a tight seal.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down...

...so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal." To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An archeologist is tasked with exploring an ancient sealed off tomb.

He cracks it open to find one long hallway. He feels dissapointed that his expedition will end without so much as a rubbing, until he finds at the end of the hallway, one large room.

Sitting square in the middle of the room is an ornately decorated coffin.

As he approaches the coffin h...

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic

The mechanic tells the penguin it'll be about 30min to diagnose. The penguin decides to go across the street to Dairy Queen. Gets a sundae. Eats the sundae using his flippers like any penguin would... He waddles back across the street to the mechanic's shop. The mechanic says "OH, well it looks...

What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

Why do Canadians not play club penguin

Because they club seals

Men often work just as hard for a baby as women do.

You have no idea what I had to go through to make my first baby.

First I had to dress really nice..

I took my wife out to some high fancy, upper class restaurant, I made small talk with her for an hour while I consciously avoided the basketball game on TV to pay attention to her instea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

War Story

When I was 19 I joined the Navy cause, why not?

I ended up as a Navy Seal and get deployed to Iraq for 6 years.

Not even sure who we're fighting at this point.
Lose half my friends I had in the Navy but come home.

My family hardly talks to me now, but at least my dog still re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

Penguin car trouble

A penguin was having trouble with his car and took it to a mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin it would take a couple of hours to figure out the problem.

The penguin went to get a vanilla Ice Cream cone but didn’t get no napkins.

The penguin returns to the mechanic and asks what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

Dirty Penguin

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

What do you get when you take away a seal's electron?

A sealion

A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion

Neutral

As in

Without an ion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would happen if I put flex seal in my ass?

It would be bad... No shit

Why can’t seals be famous DJs?

Because they’re scared of club hits

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

Wanna hear my seal impression?

BABEH I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE DODEEDO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should only tell your secrets to virgin women

Because their lips are sealed

After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.

One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".

So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin...

A penguin is going on a cross country trip

when suddenly his car starts making a bad sound. The penguin decides to bring it into a shop to get it looked at. While his car is getting looked at he notices and ice cream shop across the street and decides to grab a scoop of ice cream. When the penguin comes back to the shop to check on his car t...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it obvious what would happen if i sealed someones asshole?

No shit.

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

What’s the difference between a Sealion and a Seal?

A missing electron


(Creds to u/Koshkee)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do seals swim in saltwater?

because it's a "sealion" solution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man said his anus was sealed.

People thought he was full of shit, and so did he.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

I once bought a box of animal crackers

It said “Do not eat if the seal is broken”, sure enough.. broken seal, rhino, giraffe, the whole squad. Had to throw the whole thing away.

A penguin was taking a summer road trip...

A penguin was taking a summer road trip in the American Southwest when his car broke down and he got a tow to the nearest shop. The mechanic told him it would take an hour to check his car, so the penguin waddled across the street to an ice cream shop and ordered a vanilla cone, which he made a huge...

I had this really great seal clubbing joke I was telling my friend from Iqaluit last week...

but they were having Nunavut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.

But she wasn't really Inuit.

Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

What was the seal's favorite subject in school?

ART ART ART!

All seals live at the same elevation

Seal level

Why do walruses love tupperware parties?

They are always on the lookout for a tight seal!

Met a native Alaskan girl the other day. I asked her if all that stuff you see on the nature shows about Alaska is true How they hunt seals and eat whale blubber. She said yeah some ppl do that stuff. I asked her why she didn’t

She said she’s just not that Inuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

What do Walrus’s and Tupperware containers have in common?

They both like tight seals

Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns...

NSFW A penguin is driving in the desert...

...when steam and smoke start pouring out from under the hood of his car. The car has just enough life in it to roll into the service station in the next town.

The repairman says it will take a while to figure out what's wrong, so the penguin goes for a walk around town. The sun is beating do...

Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?

It's almost like they do it on porpoise.

I'm sorry I made it up

Why do seals swim in salt water?

Because if they swam in pepper water they'd do nothing but sneeze all day

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

A penguin is going on vacation, as he is driving down the road his engine start to make a funny noise....

So he pulls into a station and asks the mechanic to take a look at his car. The mechanic tells the penguin there two other cars before him but there is an ice cream shop across the street. He could go have an ice cream and when he is done come back and maybe he will know what's wrong. The penguin lo...

The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.

It was very carefully orca-strated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Maribe Raider, A navy SEAL, and a Delta Force operator are sitting around a campfire sharing war stories.

The marine says "I parachuted in from a helicopter at night with 50 pounds of gear on my back and killed 25 men with nothing but a knife." The SEAL says "That's nothing. I swam 6 miles up the coast, sprinted 3 more, and killed 60 people with my bare hands." He turns to the Delta Force guy. "What abo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 cowboys are riding through the desert

2 cowboys are riding through the desert, they get off their horses to take a leak. As they’re pissing one of them gets bit by a rattlesnake square on his ass.

“Oh shit!! Bobby, Bobby you have to ride back into town and fetch the doc!”

“Ok Leroy! I’ll go as fast as I can, hang on!!”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was working on sealing a leak in a crack in my foundation when a friend told me I should look for one at the sex shop...

...At first I was skeptical but I gave it a try and I must say, I was quite disappointed because it was everything but plugs.

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

An Eskimo's snowmobile breaks down

He brings it to the local mechanic who after some time pulls the whole engine apart and finds the problem.
Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal"
Eskimos wipes his face quickly and says
"Oh, That's just mayonnaise"

As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

A thousand baby seals walk into a club.

The Inuit are happy with a good season this year.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.