Loosen Jokes - 45 Hilarious Loosen Jokes

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

In Anime it isn't called loosening....

It's an Attack on Tighten.

My friends told me I needed to loosen up....

so we went to a club and had a few drinks, after the 5th one I was ready dance.

So I went to the dance floor and then "The Twist" began to play, and I did The Twist.

Then "The Hustle" began to play, and I did The Hustle

Then "Come on Eileen" played and I got banned from the club...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For some people, alcohol loosens their tongue; others

Their

A robot walks into a bar; says he needs to loosen up.

So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.

Yesterday I tried to loosen a rusty lug nut...

But it didn't turn out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and i...

What happens when a star has too much gas?

It gets constellation.

(Maybe it should loosen it's Orion's belt)

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

A friend was having trouble with her oldschool mechanical typewriter.

She said 'It's great to have such a retro device, however it doesn't work properly'.

I asked 'What is wrong with it?'

She replied 'Well some of the keys get stuck and I have to move them back manually'

'Ah I think I have a solution'

'Please tell me'

'Well what you ...

What did the 0 say to the 8?

You need to loosen up your belt

A rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "get out, we don't serve ropes here." So the rope leaves, loosens up its end bits, and ties its self up. The rope then walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "aren't you the same rope I just told to get out of here?" And the rope says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

There was a family of 3 balloons - long

Mummy, daddy and baby balloon. The time had come that baby balloon had grown so big he no longer fit between his mum and dad in bed so they decided it was best he slept alone in his own bed from there on out.

Bedtime comes and off baby balloon goes to be tucked in, only to still be awake an ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and a girl are romanticaly sitting in the park

Suddenly she loosens her blouse and while looking the boy in the eyes she asks: "do you want to know where they did surgery on my hart?"
The boy, being flabbergasted by this stutters a bit and then brings out: "yes... Yes please!" While looking greedily at her breasts.
The girl, happy with thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was getting very frustrated on the sofa, newspaper in hand.

"Honey, I need help with this crossword. Five letters, another word for 'rest' and 'loosen'. I can't get it for the life of me!!"

"'Relax'" she replied.

I said, " off, I've been on this for hours now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

I ate so much at Thanksgiving,

I had to loosen my Fitbit.

(Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

I took my car to an Irish mechanic yesterday

The mechanic was loosening a fastener with a tool when suddenly the tool snapped in half. Disgusted, he threw the wrench to the ground.

"Was that important? Does that happen often?" I asked him.

"Yes!" He proclaimed. "It drives me nuts!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

50th anniversary

For their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple in their 80s decided to relive their honeymoon. They got the same room in the same little cottage in the small town the got married in those many years ago.

While her husband excused himself to go to the bathroom, the wife thought she'd s...

It's just miracle water

So this man was pulled over at the customs.

They had a look in his car and found a big plastic can in the backseat.

\- What have we here?, asked the officer.

\- That? The man replayed, that's miracle water from Canada.

The office loosened the lid and put his nose to t...

How would it be living in an only men city?

I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

An American, a Korean, a Chinese, and a Russian walk into a bar...

...they settled into their seats and when they had loosened up after a few drinks they decided to extol the virtues of their homelands.

"American industry is so superb," said the American. "A sports team can decide to move to a different city, and within a year and a half we can build a stat...

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

3 aristocrats in the French Revolution

So during the reign of terror in the French Revolution, there was a line of aristocrats waiting to be executed by guillotine. Near the middle of the line, there was a clergyman, an artist, and an engineer.

The clergyman got up to the chopping block and said a short prayer, and miraculously w...

Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tigh...

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

A cop pulls over a man and his wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fast...

An FBI Interview

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interv...

A Politician's Tells

Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see...
When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth.
When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth.
When a poli...

The Professor and his driver

A big company Professor has been giving weekly scientific speeches at all kinds of conventions throughout the country for a number of years. Always accompanied by his personal driver James.

One day, on their way to a big congress, James looks into his bosses eyes through his rear view mirror...

A man stumbles and falls into a well....

....and grasps a spindly root that stops his fall but not before he has traversed a hundred feet. His grip loosening, he cries out in desperation, "Is there anybody up there?!"

He looks up only to see a circle of the sky. Suddenly, the clouds part and amidst them comes forth a beam of bright ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being shipwrecked, Joe washed up on a tropical island...

The modernized local tribe soon found him, fed and clothed him, then took him to their chief. Conversing in fluent English, Joe and the chief took a liking to one another, and the chief soon offered Joe his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage. Having just been shipwrecked and being a shy virgin,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver driver is pulled over by a policeman...

The policeman approaches the car and says, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Yes, because I was speeding."

"I got you on my radar gun going 20 mph over the speed limit. Any particular reason you were driving that fast?"

"Yes officer I was late for work."

"Well it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife visit Las Vegas for their 15th anniversary. Being the spontaneous couple they always have been the husband decides that their first night he will do all the planning.

They go out a fancy steak dinner and he pays extra to have the band sing their wedding song tableside and serenade his wife. She melts.

He then takes her to a magic show and pays extra to have her involved in the main act as the woman who disappears within the act. She is beaming with joy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are you likin' these sons of ?

One day a fisherman in a small town begins to catch a new type of fish in his nets that he's never seen before. Since he wasn't going to waste fish that he'd caught, he decides to go ahead and cook them anyways and see how they taste. To his delight, the mystery fish are quite magnificent. He digs a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing at the gate to heaven. ..

When st. Peter approaches. He looks at the fIrst man and says "alright then, what brings you to heavens door?" The first man clinches his fist and through gritted teeth begins "I had just started a new job in a new town after leaving everything to marry the "love of my life". Well I'm driving home f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

One day a man got a flat tire...

... right in front of an insane asylum. "Dagnabbit!" he cursed as he pulled a jack and a tire iron from his trunk. Just then he noticed a man in a white hospital gown staring at him from up on a hill behind the wrought iron bars.

The driver set about his task. He popped the hubcap off, loose...

Confessions Of A Heavy Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking bacme more and more i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.