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Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

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I was thinking about getting a cross tattooed on my balls

...but maybe that's sacreligous.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

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Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,




but never 0.

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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

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My son asked me if a dick and balls were the same thing.

I had to explain that there was a vas deferens between the two.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

Ball cleaner

I'm not going into detail, but the Dyson ball cleaner is VERY misleading

You know the smell of moth balls?

Well I don’t, I can never get their little legs far enough apart.

What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?

An Airstrike

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future.

Trust me, my friend Keith did it once and said he was gonna die and he did

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to appear in the new reality show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

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I've been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.

It's time for me to come clean.

2 guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “Awh man, I’d love to do that”.

Other guy says, “Hmm well maybe you’d better pet him first”.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

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What has 3 balls and flies?

ET, the Extra Testicle.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

What is the French term for "blue balls?"

Sack Le Bleu

I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball..

It was a lovely service..

How do you synthesize/summarise Dragon Ball into one word?

The answer is: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

What is the best adjective to describe Mario's balls?

Peach-like

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Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'

She said 'no, but I have'

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Joe went to the doctor and said "Doc, my balls really hurt"..

..so the doctor started examining his balls. After a while the doctor said, "Joe, I'm afraid you just have to stop mastrubating"

"Oh", Joe said worriedly. "Why"?

"Well, I'm trying to examin your balls"

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If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand, what do you have?

Shreks dick in you mouth

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A monkey and a cue ball.

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the
bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some
sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and
grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's
amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and
somehow swallowe...

A ticket to the State Troopers Ball !

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.

She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”

The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”
...

What do you call a potato on Kim Jong Un’s balls?

A dictator.



Came up with this in my history class haha

I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me on the ball's

My friend say's it's karma but if anything it's angrier than before.

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Ate some chicken balls from a Chinese restaurant yesterday...

The chicken must be massive!

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that."

The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

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balls

A man was born with 3 testicles, and he barely told anyone.

One day, he can't keep this secret no more, he approach to a guy and say : "You and I have 5 balls totally you know?"

The man surprised and said : "You only got one testicle?"

If you're looking for a cheap or inexpensive meal try deer balls.

I hear they're under a buck.

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What's got 200 balls and fucks rabbits?

A shotgun

If I had a Crystal Ball

I'd sit down VERY carefully

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Balls of Age

People who play basketball are 20. People who play baseball are 30. People who play golf are 60. Notice how when u grow older, your balls get smaller?

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A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing..?

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what is it for?” he asks.

“This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short...

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What did the cock and ball torture enthusiast say after getting home from a long day of work?

Time to hit the sack.

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

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Once there lived a man with a ball pain.

The man often had pain on his balls. So he decided to pay a very big fee and get a surgery done. But due to this, his balls were removed. He was quite depressed by this fact and so, he decided to start a new life! "Let's start this new life by shopping some new clothes" he thought to himself. So he ...

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No pair of balls are identical.

In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

I wondered why the ball kept getting closer to me...

Then it hit me

I love when they drop the ball in Time Square..

It’s a nice reminder of what I did all last year.

[shaking a magic 8-ball]

"Will my vision ever get better?"

**coconut:**

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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DONT HIT THE BALL!!!

DON'T HIT THE BALL

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beauti...

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a baby?

a bowling ball doesn’t scream when its rolled down the aisle

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

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After having his balls whipped in Casino Royale,

everyone in MI6 bullied Agent 007 by saying that he's been demoted to Agent --7

what's the difference between a ball and a prince?

one is thrown in the air and the other is heir to the throne.

My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies.

I think she's dumpling me.

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

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What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't empty a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up

But they don't understand the gravity of the situation

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A man is out playing golf one day. He finds some golf balls that have been lost by other golfers and they look like they are of a high quality so he puts them in his pocket and plays on.

Back at the club house he goes to the bar to get a drink when a stunning, large breasted young blonde lady comes and stands next to him. They get to some polite conversation and the guy is acting cool. The blonde looks down and notices a bulge in trousers and begins to blush in embarrassment as she ...

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

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What's the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?

Most men are happy to spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said t...

A ghost threw a ball at me once

At first i was confused......





and then it hit me...

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

A tennis ball walks into a bar...

The bar man asks: “have you been served?”

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

"In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how ...

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if linking my Gmail messages to my Microsoft email client would be a good idea.

"Outlook not so good"

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in.

Just dont put them in your back pocket......

A cowboy challenges an renowned native american warrior to a bear hunt ..

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes 5 revolvers, 2 rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native? Only one bow and just TWO arrows.

The cowboy is perplexed and has to ask:

Cowboy: "Are you sure 2 arrows are all you need?"

Native america...

As I shake the 8 ball I ask it, "Is the party tonight going to be amazing?"

8 Ball: "I'm a pile of cocaine what the hell do you think? "

Frieza from Dragon Ball Z gets a job as a medical receptionist

After a long day of fighting Vegeta comes into the Dr’s office to get some wounds looked at. As a new patient, Frieza directs him to fill out a hefty stack of new patient paperwork.

After some time, Vegeta brings his finished paperwork to Frieza only to be handed another stack of paperwork. ...

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What do you call a fat person with a crystal ball?

Four-chin teller

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls”

They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV....

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?

Sparky

I love these balls, they squirt in my mouth.

These bagel bites are so good.

-credit to my wife

A man see's a guy throwing a ball for his dog at the park.

He throws the ball, the dog chases it but as he gets close to the ball he falls to the ground and starts choking. The owner doesn't seem too fazed and the man watching is about to rush to help the dog when the dog gets up, snatches the ball and brings it back to the owner. The owner throws the ball ...

Did you hear about the scientists who lightly waved a feather over a man’s balls?

It was a test tickle.

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

Another wooden ball?

Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?

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What do you have when you have two little green balls in you hand?

Kermit's undivided attention!

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

While playing golf today I hit two good balls...

...I stepped on a rake.

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Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

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