What does the bowling ball who was taken hostage say?

Please spare me

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

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What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

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My girlfriend just punched me in the balls

Not what I meant when I said “time to hit the sack.”

Two rednecks watching a dog lick its balls...

The first redneck says, "I wish I could do that." The second redneck says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."

When is birthday cake like a golf ball?

When it’s been sliced.

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I know for a fact that getting kicked on the balls hurts more than childbirth.

How do I know this?

Most women want to having another baby despite going through childbirth, yet I’ve never seen a man ask to get kicked in the balls.

Stepmom: Cinderella, you can’t go to be ball.

Cinderella: but I love balls.

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the new reality tv show called “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Between ye and me, something's pissing me off.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

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Men born with large balls should do their best to behave modestly

Otherwise people will think they’re egotesticle

I threw a ball for my dog...

It was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

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The man with no balls

There was once a man who had no balls who started working in an office.


“Congratulations, Josh!” The boss exclaims, “Our office hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, but you can come at 10 AM”.


“Why is that?” Josh asks.


“Well you see, from 8 to 10 all we do here is play with ...

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What do you call balls that are delicious?

Tastycles

I was showing my friend my new golf ball.

I was showing my friend my new golf ball.
"It's impossible to lose," I said. "If you hit it into the rough it sends out a GPS signal so you can track it down."
"That's great," he replied, "but what happens if you it hit into the water?"
"Simple. The ball floats to the surface and tracks its...

Two drunks are in an alley and see a dog licking his balls.

One of the drunks says "I wonder if I can do that."

The other drunk "I think you better pet him first."

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

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What do you call an alien with 3 balls?

E.T the Extra testicle

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

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Did you know if you drink the liquid in magic 8 balls you can tell the future?

My friend said he was going to die then he died (:

What's the difference between a bowling ball and your mom?

Nothing. They are both picked up, fingered,and thrown in the gutter

What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

“Darling”

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Don't listen to your balls

Don't listen to your balls.

They're nuts!

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Girls also have two balls

Eyeballs

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

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Why did the monkey paint his balls red?

So he could hide in cherry trees.

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Elephants eating cherries.

BALLS FOR SALE (not mine)

This woman is cleaning out her attic, when she comes across a small shoebox she hasn't seen before. She opens it. Inside: 3 golf balls, and $50 in cash. There's only one golfer in the house, so she asks him when he gets home form work.

he breaks down completely. "Every time I was unfaithful t...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (nsfw)

Uggurkhgurkgurk gahhhh haaaaaaa

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The man who had 3 balls

This guy was born with 3 balls and when he got older, he started worrying about it. So he goes to the doctor.
‘Doc, I’ve got 3 balls. Am I abnormal?’
The doctor examined the guy’s sack. Ran a few tests.
‘Mate, you’re perfectly healthy and your balls are fine. Look at this way...you’re proba...

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I got my balls stuck in the wheel while I was driving again

It drives me nuts every time

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

What can you serve but not eat?

A tennis ball.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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Yesterday when I got home from work I pointed my wife's hair dryer at my balls and turned it on. My wife asked, "What in the world are you doing?" I replied, "Warming up your dinner."

Unfortunately, I didn't realize she had just started a new diet.

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

Damn girl are you a bowling ball?

‘Cause i want to stick 3 fingers in you!

Jack takes ball bearings to school

He gets bored during class, takes them out, and rolls them back and forth across his desk. A couple of them roll right off the desk, up the aisle between the desks, and right up to the teacher. She sees the ball bearings and realizes that someone has been playing instead of paying attention.

...

Why do some people use Ball jars, even though they aren't the best brand?

Because they don't Kerr

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What do skinny jeans and middle-class houses have in common?

No ballroom.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Someone should keep the ball safe so the Buccaneers don't get a Deflategate.

Nobody better Tampa with it.

Why was the tiny ball always agitated?

It was a little teste.

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A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?" "Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

Today at my appointment the doctor grabbed my balls, and told me to cough.

I should probably find another dentist.

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried.

Apparently, "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the response she was looking for.

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I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

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Authorities unveil the the rioter who tazed himself to death in the balls has been charged.

Charged in the nards

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

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My grandfather overheard me say I was tripping balls yesterday

He responded “I tripped over my balls yesterday too.”

I don't need to stay up and watch the ball drop...

2020 already dropped the ball.

Why do i have lumps on my balls?

wait this isn’t google

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I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

Moses, Jesus and the Old Man

One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up ...

How Do You Make The New Year’s Ball Drop More Entertaining?

Add another ball.

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What's the difference between ball-hair and a hairball?

One is found under a dick, the other comes from a pussy.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

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A mosquito landed on my balls

Hardest decision of my life.

A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.

He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.

“I came here on the bus,” she says, “Would you mind giving me a ride home?”

So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When the...

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What did the man have after his wife set his balls on fire?

Honey-Roasted Nuts

At the Barber Shop

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While sitting down on the barber chair, he tells the barber that he can never properly shave his cheeks.


The barber goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teet...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A dick says to his balls, "Get ready guys, we're going to a party tonight!"

The balls say, "No way, man, we're tired of it! You always go inside and leave us outside knocking!"

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My first NSFW joke that I proudly wrote when I was 9 years old: What's the difference between tennis and badminton?

A: One you play with your balls, one you play with your cock.

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Friend of mine pointed to a dog lickiin on his own balls and says to me: “Dont you wish you could do that!”

I says yeah! But I’d be afraid he might bite me.

What happened to the cat after she swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.

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If you've got one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand what have you got?

A big fuckin' moth.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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Why were the balls stressed out standing in line?

The guy in front them was a huge dick. The guy behind them kept spouting off and being a loud asshole

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What has six balls and fucks you twice a week?

The National Lottery!

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

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What’s got 99 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

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What do my Balls and Nevada have in common???

They both become blue in November... AND.. they both take forever to finish..

Why did the ape drop the ball?

He thought he was the king of the juggle.

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I got fired from my job at the golf club today, here's how the conversation went.

*"This is not acceptable at all! You're fired!"*, said my boss.

"But sir I-"

*"I'm not hearing any excuses! You put your dick inside the golf ball washer!!? This is not acceptable at all!"* my boss replied.

"I understand sir, I'm really sorry."

*"Good. You may leave at on...

Why did the golfers wife call for help when he hit the ball out of bounds?

Because he stroked out!

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She say...

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The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

One guy says, “I wish I could do that.” The other replies, “... well maybe just try petting him first.”

Why call them Blue Balls...

When you can call them a Cummy Ache?

What did the scientist say to rebuke his colleague for telling a joke to a ball of plasma?

"This isnt a laughing matter."

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My hot neighbor

I was excited when my hot neighbor said she would bring me something special last night, it turned out she wanted to gift me models for earth and neptune

She gave me blue balls and left

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I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

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Bob was mad at his Sex-Ed teacher for giving him a failing grade...

So in revenge he made a plan and told his best friend John.
“ So, in her room, I’ll hide, and when she comes in for lunch, I’ll kick her in the balls!

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Things that have hair.

A teacher asks the kids at class:

"I want you to name things that have hair on it"

"A cat!", the first kid says.

"That's correct", teacher replies. "A cat has hair on it. Can anyone tell something else that has hair?"

"An owl!", says another kid.

The teacher said:...

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

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I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

How did you get their legs apart?

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish...

Play Ball!

Two baseball players were talking about whether there was baseball in heaven.

Each agreed to come tell the other about it if they happened to die first.

Well, one day the first player dies and then comes to let the other know that they do in fact have baseball in heaven.

"Good n...

I used a magic 8 ball to try and find the best email service

..all it would tell me was "Outlook good"

Oingo Boingo

A group of men were captured in the deep darkest jungle by a tribe. They were trussed up, and marched into the camp, where they were drumming and singing.

The chieftain walked up to them and offered them each a choice. "Oingo boingo, or death?"

The first man said "well, I don't want ...

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Truck nuts. The balls are on the outside...

But the dick is on the inside.

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