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Ball Jokes

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What's the difference between a G spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

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I tried dipping my balls in holy water and a nun caught me.

I told her I wanted my nuts to feel the power of God, but she said that was sack religious.

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What has six balls and screws everybody?

The lottery.

I threw a ball for my dog the other day

A little over the top, but he looked great in a tuxedo

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? :P

She gagged. >\_<

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged and took it like a champ

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I was having sex with Vladimir Lenin and he asked me to grab his balls

Well what he really said was ‘seize the means of reproduction’

Why do mice have such small balls?

Because not many of them know how to dance.

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Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

A tennis ball walks into a bar

The barkeep says, “Have you been served?”

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros.

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If you have two green balls in your hand, what else do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

A women was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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Sport Balls

At age 25 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf

The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get

If I had a crystal ball...

I'd sit down *really* carefully...

Me : Shaking a magic 8 ball..

"Will my vision ever get better??"

Coconut :

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

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I'm going to become a fortune teller, and I went to buy a crystal ball from a mystic...

The mystic said, "always cover it with a black cloth when you're not using it."

I asked, "oh because it may invoke spirits without my knowledge?" "Of course not" she said.

I asked "oh because the neighbors might see and brand me a heretic?" "Not that either" she said.

I asked...

Where do psychics buy their crystal balls?

The Seers Catalogue

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

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How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

A golfer teed off, and his ball sliced off into the woods. He teed off a second time and the ball sliced, but hit a tree, ricocheted, and hit him in the head, killing him.

Suddenly he was standing in front of the Pearly Gates. Not expecting the golfer, Saint Peter looked at him and said, “How did you get here?” The golfer said, “In two.”

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

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Yo Mama is like a bowling ball

She likes it when you fill all her holes and when your done with her you can throw her in the gutter and the bitch always comes back for more.

I went to the pub as a tennis ball the other night.

I got served straight away.

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Banker's balls (nsfw)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office....

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You got one ball?

A man had 3 testicles. And was going to get married next month. But was very distressed about his situation.

His friend told him to go to the famous physician that lives on the hill.

Man goes to the hill but was shy to tell the physician. So tried to tell him in code words.

He s...

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No balls.

A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"?
He replies, "Yes caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before."
"Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, ...

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

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Dragon Ball Z is real.

Messi collected 7 golden balls and successfully wished for a world cup.

I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...

My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!"
I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"

I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

Outlook not so good.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball Z Who?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z

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Lost golf balls

A man slices his golf ball into a cow pasture. He hops the fence and starts looking for it. To his surprise, a woman golfer is out there too hacking around looking for her ball. Suddenly the man spies a golf ball wedged in a cow’s vagina. He thinks for a minute that he has found his ball, but no, it...

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I hit two good balls out golfing today.

I stepped on the bunker rake.

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Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts, huh ?

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

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why doesnt a snake have balls?

because it would look like a penis

my buddy told me his dog could bring him a ball from a mile away.

Sounds pretty far fetched.

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?

A man will keep looking for a golf ball until he finds it.

A guy is playing golf with his wife...

They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods. He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. it's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Listen, honey, I think if you hold the barn door ope...

My circus hired what has to be the world's worst human cannon ball.

Unfortunately he's unionised so we can't even fire him.

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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waite...

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

I can never get their tiny legs apart.

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A woman playing golf drives off from the tee and hits a man with her golf ball.

He put his hands between his legs, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

She rushed over to him and offered to relieve his pain stating she was a qualified Doctor. Reluctantly he agrees.

She gently takes his hands away and unzips his trousers. She puts her hands inside and gen...

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What has 90 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

As I rolled the bowling ball down the lane I thought to myself...

Please hit a few of those cyclists

A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, th...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

Dragon Ball fans are like creationists

If you talk about Evolution, they get mad.

[Long] A man was playing golf one sunny afternoon when he hit his ball into a pond.

As he approached the water to retrieve his ball, he noticed a small frog sitting on a lily pad.
To his surprise, the frog spoke up and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm not actually a frog. I'm a beautiful princess under a curse. If you kiss me, I'll transform back into my true form, and I'll be for...

I just want to say the Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner is tragically misnamed

and don't even get me started on the crevice tool.

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

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How do you tell if someone's balls are sensitive?

Give them a test-tickle

Two rednecks are sitting on the porch when they see a dog lick his balls.

One says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”

The other redneck says, “Be careful. He bit me.”

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I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

You can't lose this ball

Two golfers are about to play 18 holes when one of them says he's going to the pro shop to buy some golf balls, and asks his friend if he needs any balls.

His friend says, "No thanks, I have a ball."

The golfer says, "You only have ONE ball?? You're going to lose that, and then what w...

What do you call an alien with three balls?

An extrateressticle

Despite constantly dropping the ball...

Gravity is pretty reliable

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[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Between ye and me, something's pissing me off.

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common?

Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.

P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes!

Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's cloth...

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

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The cheapest meat is deer balls

They’re under a buck!!!

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

Ball volume

A mathematician, scientist, & engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a ball



The mathematician derived it using a formula given the circumference



The scientist measured the displaced volume when submerged in water

The engineer found the model # ...

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Blonde and Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a ve...

What do you call a dog w no hind legs and brass balls?

Sparky!

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

What do to call it when a ballerina kicks someone in the balls?

A nutcracker!

If you missed the ball drop last night....

Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl

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balls

balls defines a man, if you have 1 ball you are half a man, if you have two then you're a real man, if you have three then you're even manlier, if four, HEY GET UP, SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOU !

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

Did you hear about the mortician that tried to smuggle an 8-ball of coke in a dead body?

Authorities found it in the coroner pocket.

I spoke with a personal trainer about things I could do to help me lose weight, and he suggested I try a medicine ball.

I hate to have to tell him but I did, but no matter what I do or how much water I drink, I just can't swallow it.

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...

MAN: Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls.

The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...

DOC: WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls?

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

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At a public beach, a man decides to take a swim

As the water reaches his waist, he suddenly feels a hand grab him by the balls. A voice asks, "Plus two or minus two?"
Startled, the man quickly replies, “Plus two!” The hand releases him. He rushes to the shore and checks his pants to find he now has four balls.

Determined to fix the sit...

Large crystal ball for sale, only £50.

But you will haggle me down and buy it for £35.

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A Wife and Balls

Every night after sex wife starts rubbing her husband's balls.
Husband liked it for a week but then asked her curiously "Why do you do that? "
Wife: Because I miss mine.

Q. What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

A. Baby, darling, honey…

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there was a guy with 3 balls

he went to the doctor to get this checked, but he was too embarrassed to tell this straight to the doctor so he told the doctor: you know that thind we have down there? lets just say me and you together have 5 of them. so the doctor tells him surprised: are you trying to tell me you have only one ba...

I visited a psychic the other day and stole her crystal ball

She should’ve seen it coming…

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