Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

What did Cinderella say when she reached the ball?

*gagging noises*

I love the smell of moth balls...

but it's so hard to hold their little legs apart.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
ex...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

What do you have when you’re holding two green balls?

Kermit’s undivided attention

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Dad's Balls

After a successful strike dad would always love throwing the ball to the kids in the crowd.


After the 3rd time, he wasn't allowed in the bowling alley anymore.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.

She's a keeper!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the ga...

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

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A mosquito bit my balls last night

Got my balls sucked,later virgins

What did Cinderella find when she got to the ball?

Her gag reflex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog is so clever, he can swallow a whole ball of string.

I shit you knot.

If you had a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other what do you have?

A gigantic, male cricket.

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Did you know elephants paint their balls red to blend in with cherry trees? What’s the loudest noise in the jungle..?

A giraffe eating cherries

I was wondering why the ball was getting larger....

Then it hit me.

My partner asked how I got invited to the Archery Champions Ball.

I told her I had to pull a few strings.

What do you call a ridiculously strong man with no balls?

Absolute eunuch

What do you name a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog laying on the grass licking its own balls.

The first says “Man I wish I could do that!”

The second responds “Maybe you should just pet him first...”

I threw my ball into the crowd after I won the game.

And that's why they won't let me go bowling anymore.

:)

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

Keanu Reeves is celebrated as a saint for his hover hands. When I met him he kept cupping my balls!

Best golf partner I ever had.

Why did Cersei cut off The Hound's balls?

Because a Lannister always spays his pets.

If you drink the blue liquid inside of a magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

It’s true. My friend Carl drank one and said “I’m dying”, and then he did.

Why do mice have tiny little balls?

They don't care for dancing.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

A couple were taking a walk in the park, when they saw this dog licking its balls...

"Hell yeah! I wish I could do that! Says the dude.

"Well" his wife replied, "maybe you should pet him first?".

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If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waite...

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What has three balls and flies through space?

E.T. The Extra Testicle

What do you do when you're facing a Rhino with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Hippo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has 75 balls and screws old women?

Bingo

Why do policemen suck at 8-ball pool?

Because they always shoot the 8 first

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head...

It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

A golfer sets his ball on the tee and lines up his shot.

He takes a massive swing and puts the ball into a huge forest of trees along the fairway. He finds his ball and sees an opening he thinks he could sneak the ball through. Taking out his three wood, the golfer takes another mighty swing. The ball bounces off a tree and fires back at him, nailing him ...

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What do you say about someone holding a poo emoji stress ball?

Somebody who knows how to handle their shit.

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

What did the poke ball say to pikachu?

Catch ya later!

-via my 7 year old

I was wondering why the tennis ball kept coming closer.

But then it hit me!

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

NSFW What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

What's the difference between a man with one ball and a man with none?

Well, there's not a vas deferens

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So my wife walked in on me while I was shaving my balls and asked me what I was doing...

Apparently “meal prepping” wasn’t the right answer.

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

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What’s got 400 balls and fucks ducks?

A shotgun.

What’s got 2 balls and fucks cats?

Shane Dawson.

What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball?

A sand wedge.

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter

He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.

A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. After a while his friend says "What's that lump in your shorts?

”"That's a tennis ball" he replies.

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had t...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
...

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

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I have a little wheel under my balls

It drives me nuts.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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When I was young, I was courageous enough to shave my privates with a straight razor.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

Me: "Oh, Magic 8 ball, can I do anything right?"

Other people in the pool hall: "Can you give that back?"

My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn’t been the same since his lost his favorite ball

I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.

Did you hear about the guy who bought a surge protector for his balls?

He wanted to protect the family Joules

Why don't ants have balls?

Cause then they'd be uncles!

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.


- Credit to the writers of 'Hot Shots'.

What does a flat-earther do with a ball?

He plays Frisbee!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over.

About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

What’s the difference between Tom Brady and Lance Armstrong?

Lance Armstrong cheats with only one deflated ball.

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