UPJOKE
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What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance...

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

You can't lose this ball

Two golfers are about to play 18 holes when one of them says he's going to the pro shop to buy some golf balls, and asks his friend if he needs any balls.

His friend says, "No thanks, I have a ball."

The golfer says, "You only have ONE ball?? You're going to lose that, and then what w...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

###

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.


"First, you must wear a diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees.


"What's the se...

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."

10 minutes later he actually did!

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

A tennis ball walks into a bar..

Barman asks: hey have you been served?

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

If I had a crystal ball

I'd sit down a lot more carefully

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I hit 2 good balls today on the golf course

I stepped on a rake in the bunker.

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The cheapest meat is deer balls

They’re under a buck!!!

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

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So I was at the golf course the other day for a quick 18 but i got stuck behind this guy who was slicing his tee shot or just missing the ball entirely, but he wouldn't wave me past. I tells ya by the fourth hole I was getting pissed off and joked "geez mate what's your handicap?"

"I'm blind" he says

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This guy's balls are unbelievably attractive

It's pretty nuts

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What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frogs undivided attention

Why is it in poor taste to make fun of grandpa's balls?

It is low hanging fruit.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

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Why are a gingers balls the most patriotic?

They're red, white and blue

A woman's out golfing and she accidentally hits her ball through the window of a house near the golf course

She goes up to see if anyone's home and through the window she sees a man standing behind the shattered glass holding her golf ball in one hand and an old oil lamp in the other.

She said, "I'm sorry, I've broken your window. I can pay for it."

The man looks at the lamp, looks at her an...

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise and I thought to myself

Man! I should’ve made that sandwich first

What’s the difference between your wife and a bowling ball?

I can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

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What kind of balls does Elon Musk have?

Teslacles.

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

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I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

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Why is Putin and Zelensky neighbors?

Apparently a big dick needs a great set of balls next to it.

(Came up on my own :,))





Edit no. Unknown- Thank you for redditors who pointed out the mistakes in my post. Sadly, I can’t change the title. It is “Are” instead of “Is”.

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...
"Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls".
The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...
"WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls"?

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

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Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians

Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as Russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have balls of steel. Even women.

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

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Trucker is hauling a load of bowling balls to New York

A truck driver is hauling a load of black bowling balls to New York. He sees two chimpanzees riding bicycles on the side of the road so he stops to give them a lift. He doesn’t have room in the cab so he puts them and the bikes in the tractor trailer.

While driving through a rural town he is...

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

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Why should you not kick a Ukrainian in the balls

You may hurt your foot

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

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The nun and the Russian soldier.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later.”

The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked:

“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After ...

Sand trap

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted ...

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Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

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Why did noone see Zelenskyys balls so far?

Because the light cant escape the gravity well...


PS: You can really assume the mass of his balls indirectly through effect it has on surrounding world.

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Have you ever smelled moth balls before?

Thats funny, how did you get their tiny legs apart?

The Dyson Ball Vacuum…

Is a horribly misleading name for this product.

A mexican man was struck through the chest with a golf ball.

They called it a hole in Juan.

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

Large crystal ball for sale, only £50.

But you will haggle me down and buy it for £35.

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

What did Nancy Reagan say when she got to the ball?

(Gags)

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

If you have a green ball in one hand…

And another green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Complete control over Kermit the frog.

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

My first job was as a human cannon ball

I was hired and fired on the same day.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

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Why is president Zelensky still in Kiev?

His humongous balls keep getting stuck in the doorway.

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What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?

Brain freeze.

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what's another name for chicken testicles?

A fowl ball

Putin asks a fortune teller when he will die...

Putin starts reading all the stuff on the Internet about how he has cancer, is going to be assassinated or overthrown. He goes to a fortune teller and pays her 1,000 rubles to tell his fortune.

She looks in her crystal ball. He says "tell me what you see." She says "I see parades. People danc...

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What is a sport you see balls bouncing around at high sqeeds?

Jogging

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

I threw a ball for my dog

I know it's a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday & he looks great in a tuxedo!

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

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balls

balls defines a man, if you have 1 ball you are half a man, if you have two then you're a real man, if you have three then you're even manlier, if four, HEY GET UP, SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOU !

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried ?

Apparently 'balls deep' in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

Little Johnny and his ball

###

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, Mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off ...

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So the pentagon had to many generals...

so they had to fire a few, they would pay them 100,000$ per ft in anyway they wanted to be messured,

the army general wanted to be measured from his feat to the top of his head, he made 600,000$

the navy general wanted to be measured from his stomach around, he made 400,000$

the...

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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.


Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

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A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

I told my wife that since we're broke, we need to decorate our tree with blue ball ornaments this year...

That's right.

Christmas isn't coming this year :(

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "No...

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

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[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

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I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.

We had six balls between us.

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

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A Wife and Balls

Every night after sex wife starts rubbing her husband's balls.
Husband liked it for a week but then asked her curiously "Why do you do that? "
Wife: Because I miss mine.

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What do you name a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?

Sparky

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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend

After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls because it was something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because' she replied 'I really miss mine'

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

Why did the ball crossed the road?

Because the child didn't make it.

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

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I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits at the counter and orders a whiskey, neat. As soon as the barman pours his drink, a monkey appears out of nowhere, climbs on the counter and dips his balls into the glass of whiskey.
The man sits there, bewildered, as the monkey storms out of the bar. A few seconds later, he asks the barm...

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What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one but it takes 15 episodes.

What is the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

At the barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

\- "Just place this between your chee...

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All about stress

Tits - natural anti-stress balls! The irony is that they come attached to the most effective thing to create stress!

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

How do you make a pool table laugh?

You tickle it’s balls

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A Mathematician, and Physicist, and an Engineer

are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.

The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so they measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.

The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an o...

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How many kinds of boobs are there

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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[NSFW] What's an alternative name for Cock And Ball Torture ?

Crack 'N' Jack

Keep ‘em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your se...

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He's got a mate who has a property there, and he asks innocently, 'G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?' The Kiwi splits his sides. 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!' Still the Aussie says, 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?' The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise. 'How does he treat you?' as...

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