Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I was wondering why the ball was getting larger....

Then it hit me.

what did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

she gagged

Two golfers are starting a round. “That’s a weird-looking ball you’re using. What kind is it?”

“Oh, it’s awesome,” the second golfer exclaims. “It’s a completely unlosable ball! If it goes into the bushes, the ball lights up. If it lands in a water hazard, it floats to the surface. If it’s dark out, it emits a beeping sound until you find it. The ball is sensational.”

“Wow, that’s amaz...

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If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

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What has 75 balls and screws old women?

Bingo

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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waite...

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag


My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls...

"Man," says the first guy. "I wish I could do that!" "I don't know," says the second guy. "Maybe you should pet him first."

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

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What do you say about someone holding a poo emoji stress ball?

Somebody who knows how to handle their shit.

Why do chickpeas hate being pulverized to bits and rolled into balls?

Because it makes them falafel.

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It took some balls to make this decision

Im getting a vasectomy.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

I asked my friend if she has ever smelled moth balls..."she said of course I have and you haven't?"

I told her no because I couldn't get his little legs apart.

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter

He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.

A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. After a while his friend says "What's that lump in your shorts?

”"That's a tennis ball" he replies.

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had t...

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What do you call an alien with 3 balls?

E.T. the Extra Testicle

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

What's the difference between a man with one ball and a man with none?

Well, there's not a vas deferens

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What’s got 400 balls and fucks ducks?

A shotgun.

What’s got 2 balls and fucks cats?

Shane Dawson.

NSFW What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

What kind of sandwich would a golfer use to chip a ball?

A sand wedge.

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

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So my wife walked in on me while I was shaving my balls and asked me what I was doing...

Apparently “meal prepping” wasn’t the right answer.

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

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I have a little wheel under my balls

It drives me nuts.

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Did you hear about the guy who bought a surge protector for his balls?

He wanted to protect the family Joules

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
...

Me: "Oh, Magic 8 ball, can I do anything right?"

Other people in the pool hall: "Can you give that back?"

My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn’t been the same since his lost his favorite ball

I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

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An Old Couple and some Golf Balls

This couple has been married for 30 years. One day while the wife was cleaning and putting clothes away she found 3 golf balls in the mans underwear drawer and with $540 in 20 dollar bills. She was a little puzzled because her husband never golfed a day in his life.

Later that evening while...

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.


- Credit to the writers of 'Hot Shots'.

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I recently went to see my Doctor who also had a degree in mathematics for blue balls

After telling him about my issue he simply said "circumference" but it didn't fix my issue sadly...

What’s the difference between Tom Brady and Lance Armstrong?

Lance Armstrong cheats with only one deflated ball.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

What does a flat-earther do with a ball?

He plays Frisbee!

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If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

Why don't ants have balls?

Cause then they'd be uncles!

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A man with no penis took Slowpoke out of its Poke Ball and started humping it.

It took Slowpoke a while to realize how badly fucked it was.

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

Did you hear the largest rubber band ball has 200 Million rubber bands?

I think it’s a bit of a stretch.

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A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over.

About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with...

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I'm paying a man to fondle my balls today

But at least my insurance will cover it

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

Looking for a girlfriend that can play with my balls...

The same way that she plays with my feelings

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

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A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

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What do you get when you happen to have two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but it’s gonna take about 5 episodes.

My dad sent me a picture of his balls.

He said I should always remember where I came from.

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The difference between ‘Guts’ and ‘Balls’

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls", according to the British military.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however,

know the difference between them?



Here's the official distinction, straight from th...

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

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A dude has been going around town with his balls covered in glitter

It's pretty nuts.

Club Attender: Man, that security guard really didn't like that soccer ball...

Club Attender 2: Yeah, he was kicked out.

What do you call a snowman party?

A snowball.

Next time someone tries to tell you that pee is stored in the balls,

Just respond with, "Urine idiot".

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Just realized Deer Balls are the cheapest meat!

They're under a buck!

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My friend and I were watching my dog lick his balls and he said "I sure wish I could do that"

I said you better pet him first he's kinda mean.

A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.

Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”

He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.

He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A ...