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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

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I'm organising a charity ball next week, for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

Just let me know if you can't come

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

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Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts

If I have a cricket ball in my left hand and a cricket ball in my right hand

I then have the undivided attention of a very large cricket.

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Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really... He's best friends with a ball??

**Me, during quarantine:** Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch!

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Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

What do you call an alien with three balls?

An extrateressticle

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

Why couldn't T-ball coach drink the koolaid?

He didn't have a pitcher

3 objects were talking, a sharpener, a pencil and a ball. The ball was saying that the pencil wasn't sharp. The pencil retorted that he was very sharp. What did the sharpener say?

"No, no, he's got a point."

Downvote me all you want guys

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

What did my communist girlfriend say when she grabbed my balls?

I’m seizing your means of production.

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My balls

Are a touchy subject.

What's common between a beach ball and a girl?

They're both boyn't.

Somebody once said, "watch out for that ball".

I didn't really understand what he meant, but then it hit me.

It's just coming in to winter where I live, so I pitched a tent and put a disco ball inside.

Because now is the winter of my disco tent.

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What has 60 balls and fucks billions of people weekly?

The lottery.

If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can see the future.

Just trust me on this. My friend Dave did once & said he was gonna die & then he did.

ANOTHER WOODEN BALL..!!!!!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?...

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A doggo was born without hind legs, but had balls of steel...

They named him Sparky

As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?"

The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."

I wondered why the ball was getting larger

Then it hit me

You know why babies aren’t good at foot ball

They aren’t very aerodynamic

What did the Chernobyl victim name his balls?

Bill, Kevin, Tom, and Steve

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

You know how to smuggle something in a golf ball?

First, you have to get a hole in one...

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Why can you only get castrated once ?

Because you don’t have the balls to do it a second time.

What's the difference between a golf ball and G Spot?

A man will actually search for the golf ball.

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

"Crystal ball, how much time do I have before I die?"

"Five..." said the image on the crystal ball

"Five what? Years? Days? Decades?"

"Four... Three..."

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My son asked me if a dick and balls were the same thing.

I had to explain that there was a vas deferens between the two.

I just did something that took a lot of balls.

I used them as a Newton's cradle.

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Why single Men shave their dick n' balls

The chances of a random blowjob are low,




but never 0.

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What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

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Dad, how many types of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hang...

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I've been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.

It's time for me to come clean.

What did the lonely ball of dough say?

Noone kneads me :(

My friend just asked me if I’ve ever smelled moth balls.

I said no, I can’t get their little legs apart.

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

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I came home yesterday to find my roommate balls deep in the Planters guy.

I said "Are you fucking nuts".

He replied, "They're actually legumes".

Ball cleaner

I'm not going into detail, but the Dyson ball cleaner is VERY misleading

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An aging emperor was unsure how to divide his kingdom amongst his three sons...

After thinking on it for awhile he decided he didn't want to break up his empire and devised a plan to choose a successor. So he brought his sons before him and told them his plan.

"My sons, to determine who will inherit my empire I will send you all out on a quest. You must go out into the w...

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

You know the smell of moth balls?

Well I don’t, I can never get their little legs far enough apart.

What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?

An Airstrike

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

2 guys are walking down the road when they come across a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “Awh man, I’d love to do that”.

Other guy says, “Hmm well maybe you’d better pet him first”.

A state trooper pulls over a elderly lady

The state trooper approaches the car, and asks the elderly lady if she knows why he pulled her over. The elderly lady said “of course i do, you wanted to give me a personal invitation to the state troopers ball” the state trooper replied “uh ma’am. State troopers dont have balls.” He stood there for...

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Went for a testicle check up last week. The little tai nurse cupped my balls and said 'dont worry, it's normal to get an erection during this procedure'

I said 'i haven't got an erection'

She said 'no, but I have'

What is the best adjective to describe Mario's balls?

Peach-like

How do you synthesize/summarise Dragon Ball into one word?

The answer is: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to appear in the new reality show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?

F’yuck

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

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balls

A man was born with 3 testicles, and he barely told anyone.

One day, he can't keep this secret no more, he approach to a guy and say : "You and I have 5 balls totally you know?"

The man surprised and said : "You only got one testicle?"

I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball..

It was a lovely service..

What do you call a potato on Kim Jong Un’s balls?

A dictator.



Came up with this in my history class haha

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What has 3 balls and flies?

ET, the Extra Testicle.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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Joe went to the doctor and said "Doc, my balls really hurt"..

..so the doctor started examining his balls. After a while the doctor said, "Joe, I'm afraid you just have to stop mastrubating"

"Oh", Joe said worriedly. "Why"?

"Well, I'm trying to examin your balls"

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

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Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

A ticket to the State Troopers Ball !

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.

She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”

The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”
...

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

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A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

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I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor

He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.

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[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

If I had a Crystal Ball

I'd sit down VERY carefully

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me on the ball's

My friend say's it's karma but if anything it's angrier than before.

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that."

The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

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Ate some chicken balls from a Chinese restaurant yesterday...

The chicken must be massive!

If you're looking for a cheap or inexpensive meal try deer balls.

I hear they're under a buck.

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Balls of Age

People who play basketball are 20. People who play baseball are 30. People who play golf are 60. Notice how when u grow older, your balls get smaller?

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One day in a classroom

One day in a classroom a teacher asked her students “Who can give me a sentence with the word ‘indefinitely’ in it?”

Little Timmy’s hand shot up but the teacher ignored him. She gave Beth permission to answer instead “A line with no ends can be extended indefinitely.” Responded Beth, “Very g...

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Once there lived a man with a ball pain.

The man often had pain on his balls. So he decided to pay a very big fee and get a surgery done. But due to this, his balls were removed. He was quite depressed by this fact and so, he decided to start a new life! "Let's start this new life by shopping some new clothes" he thought to himself. So he ...

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What's got 200 balls and fucks rabbits?

A shotgun

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I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

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A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your balls off!" Alien responds "I don't have any balls". The waiter says "Then how do yo...

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

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One morning a man wakes up to find a large lump growing out of his forehead.

Concerned, he goes to the doctor who runs a bunch of tests.

The doctor then tells him he has a penis growing out of his forehead, and there's nothing that can be done about it.

The man says, "So you're telling I'm going to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and see a cock stick...

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No pair of balls are identical.

In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

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What did the cock and ball torture enthusiast say after getting home from a long day of work?

Time to hit the sack.

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

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Ladies Playing Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rus...

Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls

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