UPJOKE
batpitchbaseballwalkball gamespheresoftballcatchballplayerbasketballfootballbuntretiredeliveryfumble

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How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*Grgglluhhgghh*

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

Balls

Two guys were sitting on the porch. The one guys dog was licking its balls. The other guy said “I wish I could do that.” The dogs owner said “well… he’d probably bite you”.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

my buddy told me his dog could bring him a ball from a mile away.

Sounds pretty far fetched.

what is the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search of a golf ball.

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

I threw the dog a ball the other day

It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!

I just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

Dragon Ball fans are like creationists

If you talk about Evolution, they get mad.

I got the ball rolling

It only went downhill from there

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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Sport Balls

At age 25 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf

The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get

I visited a psychic the other day and stole her crystal ball

She should’ve seen it coming…

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Ever here about the guy whi dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

What do you call a Clown’s Balls?

Jestercles

This guy is walking down the street with his best friend and sees a Golden Retriever licking its balls…

He says… “What I wouldn’t do to be able to do that!”

He friend said if I was you, I’d pet him first!

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

###

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.


"First, you must wear a diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees.


"What's the se...

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

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My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my balls would stop itching.

Cool tip.

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What has 90 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

The golfing nun

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play g...

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The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen

Snowballs

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

Why do health inspectors get blue balls?

Because they can’t come on the weekends

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That spot between your balls and your inner thigh, y'know they call that your "groin"?

I had no idea. I went my whole life thinking people had cockpits.

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there was a guy with 3 balls

he went to the doctor to get this checked, but he was too embarrassed to tell this straight to the doctor so he told the doctor: you know that thind we have down there? lets just say me and you together have 5 of them. so the doctor tells him surprised: are you trying to tell me you have only one ba...

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

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The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

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I finally got up the courage to go see a doctor about my four testicles.

He said: "You have a lot of balls coming in here

Why do mice have small balls?

Not many of them know how to dance...

Fun Fact: If you drink the inside of the magic 8 ball, you can see the future.

My friend did it one and he said "I think I'm gonna die."

10 minutes later he actually did!

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowmen have snow balls.

How are Kobe Bryant and Melania Trump similar?

They both made fortunes just by playing with orange balls.

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls! They’re under a buck…

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

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What did the balls yell at the penis after the vasectomy?

You’re nutting without me!

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The Cigars and the Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few ...

You can't lose this ball

Two golfers are about to play 18 holes when one of them says he's going to the pro shop to buy some golf balls, and asks his friend if he needs any balls.

His friend says, "No thanks, I have a ball."

The golfer says, "You only have ONE ball?? You're going to lose that, and then what w...

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Hole-y Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.

The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.

Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.

Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land ...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Two old people playing golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.



"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."



"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"...

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The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel....

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

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Another guy comes home from work to find his wife very upset....

"Honey, what's the matter?" he asks.

"This!" she says, pulling out a stack of heavy duty S&M porn magazines, you know, the really hardcore German stuff with whips, chains, leather suits & ball gags. "I found these in our son's room when I was changing the sheets. What are we going to ...

Why can boys outrun girls?

They have 2 ball bearings and a stickshift and a girl has an cracked axel.

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A soldier is running from the military police.

Just in time he sees a Nun and asks if he can hide under her dress explaining that he doesn’t want to get sent to Afghanistan. She agrees and he is able to outwit the MP. When he crawls out he says “you have a really nice pair of legs sister.” The Nun says, “yeah and if you had looked up, you’d hav...

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So I was at the golf course the other day for a quick 18 but i got stuck behind this guy who was slicing his tee shot or just missing the ball entirely, but he wouldn't wave me past. I tells ya by the fourth hole I was getting pissed off and joked "geez mate what's your handicap?"

"I'm blind" he says

Motherhood is like a fairytale...

... _*but in reverse*_

You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

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What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frogs undivided attention

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

If I had a crystal ball

I'd sit down a lot more carefully

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

Why is it in poor taste to make fun of grandpa's balls?

It is low hanging fruit.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

What’s the difference between your wife and a bowling ball?

I can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave.

The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran o...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise and I thought to myself

Man! I should’ve made that sandwich first

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

A woman's out golfing and she accidentally hits her ball through the window of a house near the golf course

She goes up to see if anyone's home and through the window she sees a man standing behind the shattered glass holding her golf ball in one hand and an old oil lamp in the other.

She said, "I'm sorry, I've broken your window. I can pay for it."

The man looks at the lamp, looks at her an...

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I hit 2 good balls today on the golf course

I stepped on a rake in the bunker.

Two cannibals found a guy lost in the forest and decided to kill and eat him.

They thought that the best way to do it was for one to start at the head and the other to start at the feet and meet in the middle. After awhile, the cannibal at the top said, “How’s it going down there?” The other cannibal said, “I’m having a ball!” The first cannibal replied, “Well slow down, you’...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

A man was wandering around a carnival.....

and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THR...

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One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...

MAN: Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls.

The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...

DOC: WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls?

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey...

The monkey immediately runs up to a pool table and eats one of the cue balls. The man profusely apologizes to the bartender but the bartender said it was no big deal.

The following week, the man returns with his monkey but this time, the monkey's up on the counter taking peanuts from the bowl...

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

If you have a green ball in one hand…

And another green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Complete control over Kermit the frog.

A mexican man was struck through the chest with a golf ball.

They called it a hole in Juan.

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the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

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Why are a gingers balls the most patriotic?

They're red, white and blue

I'm a terrible golfer.

I played the other day and only hit two good balls, and that was when I stood on a rake.

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

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When people rub your pregnant girl’s stomach and say congrats

But nobody tickles your balls and say well done

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What kind of balls does Elon Musk have?

Teslacles.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear.

And what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls.

Still no fucking idear.

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Holiday experience.

I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.

We had six balls between us.

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The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

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A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

A tall golf tale. It's a long one....

On Bryan's 35th birthday, his wife gave him a set of new golf clubs. He was excited to try them out, so he drove down to the country club to play. He noticed a man there, in his 60s, who also didn't have anyone to play with and asked him if he would like to join him. The older man agreed and told hi...

Why do seven dwarves laugh as they run a race outside?

Because the grass tickles their balls

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

A woman with a rare heart condition walks into the doctor’s office

The doctor concludes that her heart is very weak and prescribes her a male pill that boost testosterone.

“This should strengthen your heart,” the doctor says. “Come by in a month or two to see me for a checkup.”

A month passes and the woman returns to the doctor’s office. “Doctor,” sh...

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

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Another golf joke

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it, a man in the yard says,

\- "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says,

\- "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it... please...

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After reading about Zelensky's massive balls all over the internet Putin calls up Zelensky to prove him wrong. They decide to meet up in Ukraine to put it to a test.

"He, who ejaculates most wins!" said Putin. Zelensky agreed.

First up, it was Putin. He began stroking his tiny member and after a few seconds, out came his seeds.

"100 millilitres!!" shouted someone from the back.

"Piss off, Trump. It's just 10 millilitres" said Biden who h...

Golfing

Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it.

She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband John.

As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every which way!

“My goodness, John,” she said, blushing at her ineptitude...

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Trucker is hauling a load of bowling balls to New York

A truck driver is hauling a load of black bowling balls to New York. He sees two chimpanzees riding bicycles on the side of the road so he stops to give them a lift. He doesn’t have room in the cab so he puts them and the bikes in the tractor trailer.

While driving through a rural town he is...

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took balls.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, s...

What happens if you take cat hormones?

You get fur balls

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

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So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter...

When I thought to myself "Man...I'm fucking nuts."

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