I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches...

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket...

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Balls..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant
following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, but the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waite...

I don't get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.

There is a vas deferens between the two.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gag


My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

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A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?

8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.


- Credit to the writers of 'Hot Shots'.

Did you hear about the dog that can get a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

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If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

What does a flat-earther do with a ball?

He plays Frisbee!

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a Golf Ball?

A guy will actually try to find a golf ball.

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...

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A married couple comes home to their mansion situated on a golf course. When they get to the living room they discover their giant picture window is broken, glass everywhere and there is a man sitting on the couch holding a golf ball.

The husband gets irate and starts shouting at the man. “ Who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?“.

The man responds, “Calm down, when the ball went through the window it bounced off the floor and hit the vase is that was on your mantle. The vase broke and I popped out, I am a Genie...

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

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Grow some balls

Why do people say, "Grow some balls!"? Balls are weak and sensitive. They should say, "Grow a vagina!" Those things can really take a pounding!

Looking for a girlfriend that can play with my balls...

The same way that she plays with my feelings

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A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.

So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over.

About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with...

Did you hear the largest rubber band ball has 200 Million rubber bands?

I think it’s a bit of a stretch.

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

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A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

Why don't ants have balls?

Cause then they'd be uncles!

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

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Today at my appointment the Doctor stuck his finger up my ass, then grabbed my balls & told me to cough.

I really need to find a better psychiatrist.

The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

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I'm paying a man to fondle my balls today

But at least my insurance will cover it

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The difference between ‘Guts’ and ‘Balls’

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls", according to the British military.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however,

know the difference between them?



Here's the official distinction, straight from th...

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An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex

English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!"

French Woman: And so what? Does it work?

English Woman: If it works? My...

My dad sent me a picture of his balls.

He said I should always remember where I came from.

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What do you get when you happen to have two little green balls in your hand?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dude has been going around town with his balls covered in glitter

It's pretty nuts.

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Just realized Deer Balls are the cheapest meat!

They're under a buck!

Next time someone tries to tell you that pee is stored in the balls,

Just respond with, "Urine idiot".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks past a dog that is licking his balls

He says to his friend I wish I could do that.
He said go ahead. He looks friendly.

I was wondering why the ball kept coming closer

And then it hit me

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, but it’s gonna take about 5 episodes.

I can definitely get 10,000 ball bearings for a dollar

I definitely can. 100 per cent

Why do baboons have big red balls?

So they can hide in apple trees.

What's the most dangerous job in Africa?

Picking apples.

Whats the difference between a woman and a bowling ball

You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball

That's not a bowling ball, dad.

This weekend me and my dad were out bowling, you see. He gets his shoes on, and picks his ball from the rack. A nice, shiny, pinkish purple ball. He throws it down the lane, and we can't find it. The thing is gone. We look for at least an hour for this ball, but it's vanished. In the car on the way ...

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What has 6 balls and fucks poor people?

The Mega Millions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What has 6 balls and fucks Mexicans?

The California State Lottery

Why do mice have small balls?

So few of them can dance

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because you can't make a fist with a paw

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more...

What do you call a dog that always fetches the ball?

An over-retriever

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

The Ball Pit

A mother took her eager 3 year old son to a fast food restaurant for lunch. The boy finished his lunch quickly and asked his mom if he could go play in the play area. The restaurant had a special little play area at the side with some tunnels, a slide and a ball pit for kids, filled with plastic bal...

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

Did you, like, hold it by the wings?

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 ball

You can see the future. My brother did and immediately looked at me, said he was going to die, and then he died

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –

– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

I have an amazing joke about Dragon Ball Z.

Find out tomorrow on R/jokes!

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

Corporal Bread is patrolling through the jungle when suddenly his squad gets ambushed. An incendiary grenade lands by his feet and explodes in a ball of flame. Private Panini exclaims, "Is he dead?!"

The sergeant sombrely replies, "He's toast"

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

Well how did you get their tiny little legs apart?

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A person throws a bunch of balls in their friend’s face at a high frequency.

The friend said it Hertz a lot.

What do Lucille Ball and Waluigi have in common?

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

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I just realized I have no idea what moth balls smell like. Have you ever smelled a moth ball before?

“Yeah, they’re awful!”

How’d you manage to get those tiny legs apart?

We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

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A man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, I have a golf ball stuck up my butt”

The doctor asks, “how did that get up there?”
The man replies, “ I don’t know but it’s up a fairway”

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Don't worry about the asshole behind us, we work for the prick in front.

This was my grandfather's favorite joke.

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are Santa’s balls so big?

Because he only comes once a year