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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball

"Gagging sound"

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Two Balls

A man goes to a doctor and tells the doctor that he has a problem down there. The doctor says "what's the problem? You can tell me everything. Don't be shy." The patient whispers to him "one of my balls is very small and the other one is very huge". The doctor asks him to show them. But the parient ...

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

It was pretty nuts

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A mosquito landed on my balls

Hardest decision of my life.

What do you get when you jingles Santa Claus' balls?

A white Christmas

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.

He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.

“I came here on the bus,” she says, “Would you mind giving me a ride home?”

So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When the...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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Why were the balls stressed out standing in line?

The guy in front them was a huge dick. The guy behind them kept spouting off and being a loud asshole

Why did the ape drop the ball?

He thought he was the king of the juggle.

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

What do you do with an Elephant that has three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the Kangaroo

Play Ball!

Two baseball players were talking about whether there was baseball in heaven.

Each agreed to come tell the other about it if they happened to die first.

Well, one day the first player dies and then comes to let the other know that they do in fact have baseball in heaven.

"Good n...

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

How did you get their legs apart?

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What do my Balls and Nevada have in common???

They both become blue in November... AND.. they both take forever to finish..

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of peanut butter,

then I realised I'm fucking nuts.

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

One guy says, “I wish I could do that.” The other replies, “... well maybe just try petting him first.”

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

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In the car, a mother is trying to advise her son after practice: "Billy, if you want to be a running back, you've got to learn how to hold a ball!"

Billy: "I can't! Coach buys these footballs that are shiny and too slippery."

Mother: "You can't blame the coach. You need to take responsibility."

Billy: "Oh yeah? You try to hold one of those things. Pretty easy to be a backseat coach on the field."

Mother: "Bi...

I used a magic 8 ball to try and find the best email service

..all it would tell me was "Outlook good"

In a lot of sports, a ball is used.

But it's usually pointless.

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What has six balls and fucks you twice a week?

The National Lottery!

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So you guys know what magic 8 balls are?

If you drink the blue liquid in it, you can see the future. Believe me, a friend of mine drank it and said that he was gonna die and then he did.

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Why were the balls angry at the penis?

He left them outside knocking at the door

After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd

Apparently that’s frowned upon in bowling

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Truck nuts. The balls are on the outside...

But the dick is on the inside.

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What’s got 99 balls and fucks old ladies?

Bingo

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

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What do you call a Russian man with 3 balls

Whodyounickabollockov

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

What’s the difference between a woman and a bowling ball?

You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

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I was at the doctor's office and this guy told to drop my pants then he cupped my balls and told me to cough.

The nurse then leaned into the waiting room and told me the doctor was ready to see me and asked who the guy was.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish...

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I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Why call them Blue Balls...

When you can call them a Cummy Ache?

If I had a Crystal ball...

I’d sit down very carefully!

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

So one time I was dating alinty and I found out while I was playing 8 ball

She was playing with 18 balls

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

What do you call Linux' bodyguards with no balls?

Unix

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So There I Was, Balls Deep In Some Mayonnaise...

When I thought to myself, "Man, I really wish I had made that sandwich first."

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Sailor has some balls

Two Generals of the Army and Marines are joined by an Admiral of the Navy around a campfire off the landing zone doing shots of rye whiskey when someone calls out and asks who’s got the most balls.

The Marine General goes all right and says, “Marine,” over the radio, “I want you to take that ...

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Did you hear about the guy who never forgot a single ball sack he saw?

He had scrotal recall.

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I got kicked out of hobby lobby for dipping my balls in glitter

Pretty nuts huh!!

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

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My friend who used to live in russia became a father today. His son had a mutation of a sort that made him have 3 balls instead of 2.

I immediately saw the opportunity and replied to him "chernoballs" .......he hates me now
Jason im sorry if u read this

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Don't worry about the asshole behind us, we work for the prick in front!

This year is my wool anniversary so I got my wife dryer balls.

After seeing the gift she told me she got me blue ones.

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How do you blue-ball Ryan Reynolds?

Call him green lantern right before he cums.

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a small ball

The mathematician measures the diameter and calculates the volume.

The physicist drops the ball in a tank of water and measures the displaced water.

The engineer examines the ball for a part number.

When I was a kid, you could go in a store with 10 dollars and get out with a new ball, 4 milk jugs, a shirt and a pair of shoes.

Nowadays you can't. There are security cameras everywhere.

Moses, Jesus, and an old man go golfing...

They’ve been going for a bit now and they’re at the final hole. It’s a large course with a big lake right in the middle of the fair lane, with the hole on the other side.

Jesus goes first. He hits the ball and it lands on the shallows of the lake. Jesus walks across the water and hits it and...

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People often act like a cock and balls is all one unit

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

Why can't dogs play foot ball

They're constantly fouling

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

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What Do You Call A Man Who Takes Huge Pride Over The Size Of His Balls ?

Egotesticle

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

What did the car wear to the ball?

The proper attire.

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I was holding a charity ball for people who had trouble ejaculating.

Sadly, most of them couldn't come.

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After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. Th...

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

A few years back there was a spike of interest in games that were played with a racket and a ball. I don’t recall exactly what year...

...but it was around two thousand and tennish

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I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way

It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart

did you guys hear about the sequel to ball-in-a-cup?

I hear the developers really dropped the ball on it

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

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Friend of mine saw a dog licking his own balls and asked me if I wished I could do that myself.

I said yeah, but I’d be afraid the dog might bite me!

This morning I slipped on a gum ball and landed on my face pretty hard.

Actually it was a jaw breaker

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

“Balls!” Said the Queen.

“If I had two I’d be king!”

“Nuts!” Said the Prince. “I’ve got them and I’m not.”

Who is Gordon Ramsays least favourite Dragon Ball character?

Frieza

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Did you hear about the tennis tournament that forced its players to masturbate to determine who gets the ball?

First cum, first serve.

What's the difference between a ball and a baby?

One of them bounces and the other cracks.

Why are the Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

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I'm organising a charity ball next week, for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

Just let me know if you can't come

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...

Guy Takes His Blonde Girlfriend To Her First Football Game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."...

What do you call a fat ball?

Orbese

What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?

The harder you hit it the more English you get.

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If Prince Albert is when you pierce the head, what title does Albert get when the balls are pierced?

Baron

What time does Sean Connery play the game with two rackets and a yellow ball?

Tenish.

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

If you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what have you got?

A bloody big moth!

What do you call an alien with three balls?

An extrateressticle

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

3 objects were talking, a sharpener, a pencil and a ball. The ball was saying that the pencil wasn't sharp. The pencil retorted that he was very sharp. What did the sharpener say?

"No, no, he's got a point."

Downvote me all you want guys

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

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My go-to joke: the monkey who dunks his balls in the whiskey

This joke has probably been posted in here before, but what the hell, it’s my favorite.

So this guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of whiskey, double shot, no ice.
“There you go, sir”, says the bartender, and hands the man his whiskey.
Suddenly, a monkey appear...

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

A tennis ball walked into a bar

It was served right away

Teacher:"What have you learnt in quarantine"

Me: if a ball is too big for your mouth it’s not yours

I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartende...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

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A man goes to the doctor to have his balls checked..

"Doc, there's a dull pain in my balls."

"A dolphin?"

"No. A pain that is dull."

"Let's see. Your scrotum *looks fine* but there seems to be some sort of lump on your testis."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"No, sir! There's a vas deferens."

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A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker.

He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

I've got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other.

This is one unhappy Leprechaun.

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A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

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Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really... He's best friends with a ball??

**Me, during quarantine:** Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch!

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Jokingly punching someone in the balls isn't funny.

Its a dick move

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A penis says to his balls: "I'll take you two to a party."

The balls reply, "You fucking liar!!! You always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking!!!"

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Well, three to be exact.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

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