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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.

One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

My Mum gave me a right earful and a lecture about having an imaginary friend, after that she said get your coat: I said why where are we going? She replied.

Church:

Two blondes are trying to unlock their car with a coat hanger.

One says, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

I was going to steal a coat today

But I didn't have it in me to jacket.

That old woman in a fake fur coat who had ink thrown on her really had it coming!

Does she even know how many innocent fauxes have been murdered to make that coat?

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A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

What do you call a French leather coat maker...?

Jim Lapel.

I'm starting a new line of reversible coats

I can't wait to see how they turn out

A man walked up to 3 nuns sitting on a bench. He opened up his trench coat and flashed them.

The first nun had a stroke.

The second nun had a stroke.

The third nun couldn't reach.

A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room. After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing. She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dum...

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...

But without the wallets

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.




(I'll get my coat).

What’s the worst part about being locked out of your car outside and abortion clinic?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

Hate it when you’re looking through your room and can’t find a coat hanger

You have to go all the way to the doctors to get an abortion

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Two farmers meet in the middle of a field

One farmer says to the other

“what are you doin with that chicken wire”

He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken”

“You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer

And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load ...

I just bought a coat that's waaaay too long! :D

It suits me right down to the ground! :D

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

Why did the painter give the wall 2 coats?

Because it was winter

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

What do you call an alligator in a trench coat?

An investigator

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum

One guy says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"

The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"

Wife: "Get me a coat hanger, I don't want the baby anymore."

Hubby: "Are you crazy? It's too late for that! May I remind you our child has already been *born*?"

Wife: "It's not too late to let it play with the wall socket."

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

Why should you sneak in a leather coat?

Because it’s made of hide

What's the best part of having a suicidal coat?

It hangs itself

A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.

"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"

The woman looked strictly at her daughter.

"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

I need some help finding a playful hunting dog with a short white coat.

Any Pointers?

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A man in a trench coat walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building...

He sits at the bar and he orders a double, followed by another, and then another...

Across the bar he notices two gentlemen arguing back and forth about which one of them is the "bravest"...

The man in the trench coat finishes his third drink and sloshes his way over to the two argui...

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The other day, I walked in on my wife masturbating with a coat hanger.

"Are you bored, honey?" I said.

"I'm a bit horny..." she replied.

"Why don't you use a dildo?"

"What do you think I'm looking for?"

Millenials are Killing the Coat Hanger Industry

more than half of them support legal abortions.

A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat..

..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??"

"It is not mink, it's polyester!"

"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"

I told my wife to put her coat on...

She said 'why, are we going out?'

'No,' I said, 'I'm going out and I'll be turning the heat off.'

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

What do you do when you see a nice coat that you really want to steal?

You jack it!

Which elf was the best singer?

Elfis Presley

(I’ll get my coat)

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?

In case she locks her keys in her car.

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A kid got in trouble for masturbating in the coat room

All he did was jacket

How many cats does it take to make a fur coat?

None! Cats can't sew!

I was trying to make a joke about coat hanger abortion with my mom

I was just having a poke at it.

Whenever my mum tells me to budget wisely, I remind her that she spent £80 on a dog coat.

And we don't even have a dog.

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique wa...

I just got a great new lab coat!

The meat was pretty good too.

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Friends of an old guy hire him a prostitute for his 90th birthday...

She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

The old man thinks a second and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

Burlington Coat Factory.

I'd rather be cold.

Why don’t Painters wear sweaters?

..............................cuz they already put on two coats!

So three nuns are walking along when a guy with a trench coat steps up to them...

He opens his trench coat and is completely naked underneath.

The first nun exclaims "Ohh my goodness" and has a stroke.

The second nun yells "Well I never" and has a stroke.

The third nun, well the third nun doesn't touch it at all.

A blonde woman canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs...

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the doo...

There are two hats on a coat rack

One says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead"

A blonde is looking to make some extra cash

She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some

She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do

She goes up the huge ...

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How my dad taught me how to button my suit coats.

He said *"Think of it like a woman; sometimes the top, always the middle, but never the bottom."*

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A man taps the shoulder of the girl in front of him and says "excuse me, I think you have some semen on the back of your coat."...

The girl looks puzzled and says "nah, that must be yoghurt or something"

"nah, it's definitely semen. I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

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A young boy is out fishing with his Grandpa (NSFW)

As they are sitting together, the Grandpa pulls out a cigar from his coat pocket. The boy, around 12 years old, looks over at his Grandpa with a curious gaze. The grandpa then takes out a lighter and ignites the cigar.

"Grandpa" he says, "Do you think you could let me try that?"

The Gr...

Three ropes are lost in the desert.

The group of ropes find a town, and find the bar. They run in and ask for water.
Ropes: can we have some water!?
Bar keep: didn't ya see the sign, no ropes! Get out!
And the bar keep kicks them out. The first rope has an idea: what if two of us stack up so that we look like a pers...

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A stranger walks into a local bar...

He is a big guy but no one has ever seen him in there before.
"Who is the toughest guy in here?", he shouts to the bar keeper.
"Well right now I suppose it is Clyde over at the pool table."
The big man walks up to Clyde, rolls the pool balls around, picks up a pool que and just beats the da...

A man and his wife were going out for the evening.

A man and his wife were going out for the evening and the last thing they did was let the cat out. As they were going to the taxi, the cat went back inside. The husband ran inside to get him while the wife waited in the car. Not wanting it to be known that the house would be empty to the taxi driver...

Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat?

Because they are lazy and have small hands!

Did you hear the one about the umbrella in the trench coat and sunglasses?

He was looking shady.

I made a jacket entirely out of sleeves once...

It was my coat of arms!

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A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.

"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar ...

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench

One of the villagers, wearing a trench coat, comes up to them and starts talking to them about the local church fair coming up. Suddenly, without any warning, he opens his trench coat and flashes them!! Two of the nuns had a stroke.

The third couldn’t quite reach.

A father in Alabama asks his priest about getting an abortion...

'Father, my daughter was raped. Tell me it's okay her her have an abortion'

'No, my son. That is a sin'

'But father,' he pleads, 'they were illegal immigrants! Surely it's okay to abort a BROWN baby?'

'No my son, that is still a sin'

'But father, I'm fairly sure they we'...

You don't loss in this lotto

A wife arrived home flashing a new diamond ring."Where did you get that?" asked her husband suspiciously.

She said: "My boss and I played and the lotto and we won, so I bought the ring with my share of the winnings."

A week later, she arrived home wearing a new Italian leather coat. "W...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

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