A proctologist pulls a thermometer out from his coat pocket...

Great, now some A**hole has my pen!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

Why did the painter give the wall 2 coats?

Because it was winter

During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...

But without the wallets

I'm starting a new line of reversible coats

I can't wait to see how they turn out

Just ask for a hand

This is Freezing outside in Shanghai. I was walking out of the hotel ,seeing three miniskirts coming in through the door way. My coat is stuck in the door and
I asked that , could you give me a hand . I am stuck here.
They said , enh ,fine, if hand job ,398 Yuan.
What a city, they don't e...

3 old women are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of them have a stroke

The other one couldn’t reach that far

What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coathanger

Hate it when you’re looking through your room and can’t find a coat hanger

You have to go all the way to the doctors to get an abortion

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two farmers meet in the middle of a field

One farmer says to the other

“what are you doin with that chicken wire”

He responds “well I’m gonna go into town and get me a chicken”

“You can’t get no chicken with a chicken wire” responds the farmer

And sure enough the next day the farmer came back with a truck load ...

What’s the worst part about being locked out of your car outside and abortion clinic?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.




(I'll get my coat).

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

What do you call an alligator in a trench coat?

An investigator

A guy gets diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and is feeling down, his doctor tells him that type 2 is less serious than type 1 and that he should stay optimistic, the patient replies "doctor, please don't sugar-coat it for me"...

Doctor says: "sir, I'm being candyd"

Why should you sneak in a leather coat?

Because it’s made of hide

An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum

One guy says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"

The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"

I just bought a coat that's waaaay too long! :D

It suits me right down to the ground! :D

Wife: "Get me a coat hanger, I don't want the baby anymore."

Hubby: "Are you crazy? It's too late for that! May I remind you our child has already been *born*?"

Wife: "It's not too late to let it play with the wall socket."

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat..

..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??"

"It is not mink, it's polyester!"

"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

I need some help finding a playful hunting dog with a short white coat.

Any Pointers?

What's the best part of having a suicidal coat?

It hangs itself

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in a trench coat walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building...

He sits at the bar and he orders a double, followed by another, and then another...

Across the bar he notices two gentlemen arguing back and forth about which one of them is the "bravest"...

The man in the trench coat finishes his third drink and sloshes his way over to the two argui...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The other day, I walked in on my wife masturbating with a coat hanger.

"Are you bored, honey?" I said.

"I'm a bit horny..." she replied.

"Why don't you use a dildo?"

"What do you think I'm looking for?"

A woman was trying on her new fur coat.

Her teenage daughter walked up to her and said.

"Mother, do you realize that this coat is the result of the suffering of a poor, defenseless animal?"

The woman looked strictly at her daughter.

"Young lady, don't you dare talk about your father like that."

How does a coat steal something?

They jacket

So my mom was poking me with a coat hanger.

I told her to stop, and she didn't, so I asked why she was poking me and she said "because I should have done it 16 years ago"

Nowadays I can't even say "Black Coat" anymore because it isn't PC...

No, now I really need to say "Jamal give me my coat please."

Which elf was the best singer?

Elfis Presley

(I’ll get my coat)

I told my wife to put her coat on...

She said 'why, are we going out?'

'No,' I said, 'I'm going out and I'll be turning the heat off.'

What do you do when you see a nice coat that you really want to steal?

You jack it!

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?

In case she locks her keys in her car.

Millenials are Killing the Coat Hanger Industry

more than half of them support legal abortions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

A BLONDE & HER TWO COATS

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.
After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.
She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women a...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid got in trouble for masturbating in the coat room

All he did was jacket

I was trying to make a joke about coat hanger abortion with my mom

I was just having a poke at it.

How many cats does it take to make a fur coat?

None! Cats can't sew!

Whenever my mum tells me to budget wisely, I remind her that she spent £80 on a dog coat.

And we don't even have a dog.

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man was sitting on his front porch....

He watches a boy walk by with chicken wire.

Old man: “hey boy, what are you doing with that chicken wire”

Boy: “I’m going to catch some chickens!”

Old man “that’s not how that works, but have fun”

An hour later the boy comes back with a stringer of chickens

Next d...

I just got a great new lab coat!

The meat was pretty good too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

What brings out your inner kid?

A coat hanger.

So three nuns are walking along when a guy with a trench coat steps up to them...

He opens his trench coat and is completely naked underneath.

The first nun exclaims "Ohh my goodness" and has a stroke.

The second nun yells "Well I never" and has a stroke.

The third nun, well the third nun doesn't touch it at all.

A rich woman calls he husband

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang. A man answered and put it on speaker, the other men in the locker room stopping to listen.

Man: hello!

Woman: hi honey, it's me, are you at the club?

Man: yes.

Woman: I'm at the shops now an...

I got my beautiful wife a lovely woolie hat and a coat for Christmas.

She's gonna need it because I've just lost our house to gambling.

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home one day after being called an idiot. (Long)

He asks his mother what an idiot is, and his mother says it means ‘ladies and gentlemen’. He goes into the kitchen and hears his father whisper ‘fuck!’ after cutting himself with a knife. The boy asks what that means. The dad says it means ‘preparing’. He goes upstairs into the bathroom, and finds ...

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How my dad taught me how to button my suit coats.

He said *"Think of it like a woman; sometimes the top, always the middle, but never the bottom."*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.

The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."

"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man taps the shoulder of the girl in front of him and says "excuse me, I think you have some semen on the back of your coat."...

The girl looks puzzled and says "nah, that must be yoghurt or something"

"nah, it's definitely semen. I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

There are two hats on a coat rack

One says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan...

The frog goes up to the teller and says ‘hey, could I get a loan please?’ The teller, Ms. Patricia Wack, looks at the frog and decides he doesn’t look to reliable. ‘Sure,’ says ms. Wack, ‘but you will need to provide collateral, what can you offer to ensure we are making a safe investment?’ The frog...

I ran into my priest buying condoms at the grocery store

I tried to hide them under my coat, but if he didn’t see them, he definitely saw them later that night.

Man: Dude my wife just crashed my mustang!

Friend: OMG is she okay??

Man: Well she may need some buffering and new coat of paint but she should be alright.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

...

A man is on a safari

A man is on a safari taking pictures of the wildlife. One day he looks out across the Savannah and sees an elephant bellowing like crazy and rearing up on its hind legs. The man looks through his binoculars and sees that there’s something wrong with the elephant’s foot. He gets closer and looks agai...

Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat?

Because they are lazy and have small hands!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This literally the first joke with curse words that I remember knowing.

The boy who didn’t know curse words

There was a boy who didn’t know curse words and it was thanksgiving day. He comes out of his room and sits down with his sister. She is watching a reality show, the actress on the show calls out the actor “you dick” the little boy never hearing that word b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

Did you hear the one about the umbrella in the trench coat and sunglasses?

He was looking shady.

Did you know that there's a breed of dog who loves science?

You can tell which one it is because they're always wearing a lab coat.

so, I was out walking my usual night walk.

a woman was walking, a few meters in front of me, she was about 5 years younger than me. She had a purse that looked kinda expensive and a fur coat.

suddenly she started to walk faster, I got startled why did she begin to walk faster? I was too scared to look behind me so I just started walki...

Patient: Doctor, tell me, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: I'm not going to sugar-coat it, you have diabetes.

A man walks into a bar in New Orleans

He sits down next to a man in a jacket. Both of them are watching a preview of the upcoming nfc championship. They both start debating over who will win, and the debate turns into an argument. The man says “100 bucks my saints win!” “Your on” replied the man as he unzipped his coat to reveal black a...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Old Man and his Wife

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her...

Have you tried duct tape?

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the ru...

A stormy night.

A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push.

"No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face.

"Who was that?" calls his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for...

Can someone explain this joke to me?



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A Man Walks Into a Bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"
The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."
The man reaches...