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Wise Guy Jokes

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What's the difference between a wise guy and a butt sniffer?

One's a smart fella, the other is a fart smella.

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"The body of Christ"

A "Wise guy" went to Church to partake of Holy Communion. When his turn came he got close to the priest and opened his mouth. The Priest placed the Holy Host on his tongue saying "The body of Christ" but at the same time released a silent but deadly fart caused by the lentil soup he had for dinner t...

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A university professor was preparing...

A university professor was preparing her students for the next day’s final:

“Other than a life-or-death emergency involving you or your family, you must be here tomorrow at taking this test. Your grade depends on it. No excuses!”
One wise guy in the back asked, “But what if I’m suffering f...

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient, "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't", the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!", says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman"

"Oh yeah, wise guy", growls the first guy, "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because", the first guy responds calmly, "I am Superman"

The first guy...

My friend is from another culture, and he’ll ask me questions about Christianity

Like this one time, he was confused about the story of the birth of Jesus.

“Why was the mob involved?

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Says right here, that there were three wise guys there.”

(Edited thanks to u/soveranol for the better joke)

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

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Every Christmas with my family truly feels like the first Christmas.

There is no room, just three wise guys and a complete ass.

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to ...

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

What's the difference in an Italian Nativity

An Italian nativity has Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, and a couple of wise guys

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A man is driving down the highway when he is pulled over by the cops

The cop goes up to the window and asks a question.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No Officer."

"Ah, well you're being pulled over because of your exemplary driving! You just won 1,000 dollars! What are you planning to do?"

"I'm gonna finally get my license!"
...

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The science of ping pong balls...

Long, Science

A science convention is in town. So a chemist, physicist and engineer walk into a local bar. The bar tender sees them and says, "hey, you're all wise guys, how would I figure out the volume of this ping pong ball?" The chemist takes the ball from him, pulls out a graduated cylin...

I went to the butcher's shop...

I went to the butcher's shop around the block from my house to get some ribeyes for the long weekend. I'm excited because I don't eat steak very often and these are dry aged to perfection, cut an inch and half thick and pretty much the best steaks you can get! I'm all set to leave, when I notice a ...

Traffic Stop

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer:
- "Is there a problem, Officer?"
- "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and I'm pleased award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're to do w...

So my First ever joke on reddit, it starts with an immigrant to the United states.

An Italian immigrant to the US, just arrived to Ellis Island. Lucky for him is Uncle is a citizen and could sponsor his entry. His Uncle also owned a fruit cart business in New York City. The young Italian knew no english when he arrived, so his Uncle taught him three phrases to aid him in selling...

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