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Knows Jokes

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A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

A college girl really wants to buy a monkey...

A college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.

He sends the money, and she buys the cute little monkey. After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling out of...

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Frank and Pete are playing outside

Frank asks Pete: hey Pete -, do you know what a penis is?

Pete thinks about it but doesnt know either.. :"i'll quickly ask my dad - he knows everything.

Pete finds his dad in the kitchen and asks;, "Daddy, what exactly is a penis?"

His dad is kinda overstrained and struggles to...

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A man has a personal problem

A man is convinced of himself that he has sex problems. He constantly thinks about sex and he knows this ruins his life. One day, he finally goes to a psychiatrist, to try and fix whatever makes him think about sex constantly. She, the psychiatrist, agrees to try treating him.

\- Okay, let m...

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

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A man's life quest.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a st...

There's a robbery at a bank.

One of the robbers accidentaly drops his mask. He puts it back, but he knows it is too late.

So he asks the closest man: 'Did you see anything?'

'Well, yes, I was close and...'

The robber shoots him instantly. He then goes to the second closest: 'What did you see?'

'Nothi...

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I just got wrongfully fired from my job for "being in a state of constant sexual arousal"

Which is absolutely ridiculous. Everyone around me knows that I'm a dedicated employee who is always hard at work.

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A new teacher is assigned to teach geography class in school.

When she enters the classroom, she's horrified by what she sees. The kids are fighting, cursing, throwing chairs, drinking, and smoking.

"Hello class" she says.

"Fuck off, bitch!" the kids shout back.

Crying, the new teacher runs to the principal's office.

The principal...

Everyone knows smoking causes cancer

But have you heard it can also cure salmon?

Ever heard of the wizard with the poor sense of balance?

He only knows dizzy spells.

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There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

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4 out 5 forest fires are started by people...

Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to light matches.

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A man comes home late from the bar

He knows his wife don't like it when he drinks, so he sneaks his way to the bathroom so he can piss.
When he opens the bathroom door, the light automatically turns on. He finds it odd, since he didn't buy any automated lights or something like that.
He thinks that maybe his wife had installed...

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

A moth goes into a pediatrist's office. (Norm)

The pediatrist says to the moth "what's the problem?"

"Where do I begin? I go to work for Kareem Benbouda and all day long I work. Honestly doc idek what i'm doing anymore I don't think even Kareem Benbouda knows. He only knows he has power over me and that seems to bring him happiness. I wak...

Who is the worst spy in history?

James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

A woman says to her husband,

"You don't know how to do anything for yourself. I cook for both of us. I clean up. I do laundry. I do the finances. You don't know how to do any of that. Now look at our friends Frank and Joyce. Frank knows how to cook, clean, do laundry, and pay bills. If something were to happen to Joyce, Frank w...

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

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Success is like pregnancy.

Everybody congratulates you,

but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it..

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